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Originally Posted by johnstwin
Quote
One of the last movies she watched jumped out at me, "The Other Man" about a woman leaving her husband for a new man.

puke
I agree.
I try not to jump to conclusions, but this is romanticizing her previous A, a present one, or one that she is hoping to have.
I just looked up the trailer for that movie, could hardly finish watching it.
(cuz of the theme, not cuz of Liam Neeson wink )


Originally Posted by Gerka
Yes. I feel that I'd be a lot further along my personal recovery if I had given up on this horrible person months ago.
I suppose this depends on how you view personal R.
Looking back on my own sitch, I think personal R had it's first baby step,
when I took control of what I could.
I couldn't control WH, but I could influence the direction of contact with OW.
-----> Exposure

I couldn't make my WH choose me, but I could influence his view of me as the preferred person to be with.
Plan A is not just for the WS to see, it is also for the BS to gain control of their own life. (mentally and physically)
-----> Carrot of Plan A

I couldn't stop his choices or engrain in his head what he was doing was wrong, on so many levels,
but I could stand firm to my values and make them known.
-----> Stick of Plan A

By doing all these things, I grew stronger, I became a better person.
This does not speed the healing process, that takes time,
but I do think that this was the beginning of personal R. IMO for me.

There will always be the 'what if I had of done this', this IS a common feeling Gerka.
You did the best that you could, under your circumstances, and you did it well. smile

Again, cuz it bears repeating over and over, you or your military sitch,
was not the cause of her choice to have an A.
There are many, many people who don't have A's, in your situation or hers.








M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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Where's RIF?
He's okay right?

I think I read that he's back at work?????


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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Hi there gerkaguards,
I have also being following your thread and I have to say you have done everything possible here but she isn't willing and it is time to call it a day.
You have blocked her # and email so the contact with her is over, make sure she gets her stuff that way she will have no reason to contact you anymore.....
Then move on with life and what it has to offer you.......
Be strong..........good luck


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
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Gerka,

I think seeing her ugliness in person is the closure you needed to help you with the next step, whatever you wanted it to be. She can�t stand that you�ve dropped the nice guy for what is, in effect, a Plan B.

This isn�t a woman you want in your life in any way nor one you will want to have children with.

Heal, my friend. I know it sucks and it hurts. Perhaps you�re past that point and are seriously not feeling anything for her, but give yourself some time to heal.

Coming home from a deployment is hard enough. There is a big adjustment under normal circumstances. Don�t be afraid to reach out for support.

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Well it's been several days. I'm sure she's figured out that her number is blocked. I haven't gotten any emails. I'm a little worried she's just going to show up.

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Gerka,

If she pops in unexpectedly, I am certain you will handle the situation with your usual calm and grace. In the meantime, nothing to be gained by worrying about it. When I was a kid, my mom used to say that 90% of what I worried about never happened. She was right, of course.

Are you taking block leave? Visiting your family at all? Our son just redeployed from Iraq to Germany. We won't see him until November when he rotates back to the states for his next assignment. I, of course, can't wait.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Nope, not taking leave. The BDE commander pulled me aside in the gym today and talked to me about some things. Highly recommended I take leave.

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Oh man, my wife emailed my boss over the weekend explaining that I had blocked her calls and was ignoring her, and that she wants her stuff back and she needs her SS card and passport in order to PCS. And accused me of conduct unbecoming an officer for ignoring her.

They have to do an investigation, but they seem pretty annoyed with her at this point. She never even tried emailing me.

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MWHAHAHAHA...sounds like she is PISSED!! laugh Good for you!!

Tell your boss "My wife is cheating on me, so yes I am ignoring her phone calls"

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They already know. They know all about it. They're just sick of her shenanigans.

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If it were me, I would box up all of her stuff, mail it to her along with a nice, short letter telling her that you don't want anything more to do with her ever again, and then be done with it. It's time to let yourself get on with your life. You won't be able to do that until all this is over.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Oh man, my wife emailed my boss over the weekend explaining that I had blocked her calls and was ignoring her, and that she wants her stuff back and she needs her SS card and passport in order to PCS. And accused me of conduct unbecoming an officer for ignoring her.

They have to do an investigation, but they seem pretty annoyed with her at this point. She never even tried emailing me.

Aren't you glad you are going to finally be rid of her? You are seeing the real woman now. She's a very ugly and narcissistic person.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Investigate what? That you aren't talking to her on the phone? Sounds so silly. And the SS card and passport to PCS? Most Soldiers don't even have a passport and once the Army gives you an ID card, they could care less about SS cards. She looks really stupid emailing your boss. It certainly highlights how much she wants to unload another round of caustic comments in your direction.

Please consider taking leave. You have been under a huge amount of personal and professional stress. Once things ease off a little, there is a tendency for some people to pop off. And if you stuff everything, it just comes out a different way later.

You haven't said much about your family. Do you get along with them? if so, visit. You don't have to talk to them about everything. Just be with them. If you don't want to visit them, do you have college roommates to visit? Go somewhere, away from the Army for a couple of weeks. Choose your favorite beach/mountain/city and chill out for a little bit.

AM




Last edited by armymama; 08/17/10 03:19 AM. Reason: more typos than anyone should have

BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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I had a pretty close relationship with my parents, but now I feel so embarrassed about failing at this marriage that it's like that's always hanging in the air when we talk. That's why I haven't gone to visit them.

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Gerka,

I say this as a parent: Your parents will love and support you no matter what and they are hurting for you right now. You may be a 20 something officer and war veteran, but you�re still a boy to your parents. They would love to pick you up and comfort you during this time.

Don�t feel an ounce of shame going to them. They could be your greatest source of support.

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
I had a pretty close relationship with my parents, but now I feel so embarrassed about failing at this marriage that it's like that's always hanging in the air when we talk. That's why I haven't gone to visit them.

Dude, why are you embarrassed? You didn't cause this marriage to fail. I know you FEEL you disappointed your parents, but I'm sure they are proud how you have handled yourself through all of this. I think you are projecting your own disappointment onto them. You have got to open up to them. My parents (my mom especially) are as Catholic as they come. They don't even believe in birth control. However, after they found out about my WW's affair and how she was treating me, they wanted me to divorce her. True, they wanted me to see if the church would annul it as well, but they had no problem with me ending my marriage.

The ONLY thing you should possibly even be SLIGHTLY embarrassed about is being so blind to the selfish, narcissistic person your STBxWW was. Even then, lots of people do stupid things for love. As long as you don't do anything immoral for "love" (say, like stealing another person's spouse), then you should have nothing to feel embarrassed about. Don't punish yourself for your WW's behavior. Go home, see your family, do things for you, have fun, and go back to being yourself pre-WW. The best revenge on your WW is to live well while she continues to live in her own misery.

Last edited by jmwc95; 08/17/10 07:15 AM.

Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
I had a pretty close relationship with my parents, but now I feel so embarrassed about failing at this marriage that it's like that's always hanging in the air when we talk. That's why I haven't gone to visit them.

Oh, Jeff, if it hangs in the air when you talk to them it's b/c they are HURTING for you and don't know how to make you feel better, not b/c they are ashamed at you b/c your marriage ended.

You don't have anything to feel embarrassed for. You behaved honorably.

So go home so your mom can fix you your favorite foods and your dad can let you know how proud he is of you.

There's no better place to lick your wounds than home...w/ the two people in the world who couldn't love you more.


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Gerka,

I am a parent to two adults. DD is 37 and DS is 22. They both live far from me (one in FL and the other in Germany) and tend to go on radio silence when there is trouble in their lives. I know if I don't hear from them they are struggling with something in their lives. I would like nothing better in those rough times to reach out, give them a big hug and listen to them. Don't be embarassed to see your parents. They are hurting for you and I know since you are close that they would love to see you. Take the leave, get away from the Army and your WW for a couple of weeks, decompress and have some fun.

AM



BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Gerka,

I couldn't agree more with the others about your parents. Reach out to them. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, and know that it's okay to show them your emotions. They won't think you're weak.
Heck, I don't know WHAT I would have done without my parents. I had to put that fake, bogus, macho "male ego" aside, and just open up to them. They understood and loved and listened more than I ever thought possible. They were always there for me during the divorce and the divorce fallout.
For your sake, don't let your (unnecessary) shame put a wall between you and the biggest source of emotional support you can have. You did NOT fail at anything. Not one person in this world would think that of you. That is all coming from inside your own head. YOU DID NOT FAIL. In fact, you stood strong when others would have (justifiably) kicked her to the curb. You got a "free pass" to have a second chance at life, a happier, more fulfilling life than the one you got trapped in because of her actions.

Honestly, go see your parents. Trust us on this.

Best wishes.


Formerly ConfuzedHusband
BH
WW (Now XW)
Married 4 years, No children.
EA/PA from 2/2008 to 5/2008.
DDay: 5/17/2008 - Separated 6/1/2008 - Filed 8/3/2008
Divorce final 3/2009.

Now in a committed relationship with a woman of character who loves me so much better and deeper than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea what I was missing out on and am so grateful God gave me a free "second chance" at love and life.
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Please tell your parents and get their support. You have been the honorable one through all of this. Things must not be going well for your wife. Sounds like she is getting desperate.

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