I think you need to be at an attorneys office like yesterday. Even if you cannot file based on cause, you can make sure your attorney has any of the evidence you've collected so far. That way, if she tries to force you out with some sort of restraining order, you can document that was part of her plan to be with the other man.

If I were you, knowing what I know from experiencing a WW, I'd file first, file for remaining in the home, and if she wants the divorce, she can leave, leave the children, etc.

Filing for divorce doesn't mean you'll get one. But if you are the one asking, and if you are filing for cause if that's allowed, that puts you in the drivers seat with respect to the time table.

Hmmmm, looks like he IS married. And is looking to D his W.

The way that he used the word "actually" makes it sound as though they hadn't discussed this earlier??

Funny how he didn't mention your WW's unhappiness about sending your DD to school. He just jumped in w/ what is concerning him about his life. Almost like, "who cares about your problems...I've got my own concerns."

Steve, I'm betting he has a wife with a family cell plan. Her number may be similar to his. Try his cell number, but go up one digit or down one digit from his phone number. We have had 2 different carriers and both times my H and I have had numbers one digit apart. EG 555-1234, 555-1233, 555-1235, might work out for you. I'm also betting that your WW's divorce announcement will cool him off a bit. OM don't like it when the playing field is no longer even. GF

Marshmellow, that e-mail was from my wife to him... she is the one looking for a lawyer. I did walk into the room and she told me what she was doing. She would prefer that we work this out without lawyers to avoid a costly divorce. I am the only one with an income at this point. That money has got to come from somewhere.

Florida is a no-fault state so my understanding is that reason for divorce does not matter.

Oh, duh. Sorry.

Going Forward, I am not sure I am following you here... wouldn't OM be happy that WW is moving forward with divorce. Frees WW up to be with him. Maybe it kills the fantasy of being together, but after she is divorced they will be able to be together all they want.

Make sure you are not giving her any MONEY! When my husband heard about the affair he started separating our joint accounts, he just got rid of our joint and opened up another one for him, so I suggest you start doing the same, if she has no money let her know, "if you want to act single then by all means live like a single person, I am no longer going to support you in having an affair." My husband didn't say anything to me about this, he just DID IT! Am I mad? NO! I had my own accounts for my business and really didn't think about it. My husband was very smart about changing accounts.

That's easy enough, if she wants to leave, she can leave. You'll let her have the children every other weekend. Since she's the one who wants to end the marriage, all she has to do is leave, and sign the agreement your attorney will present and she'll be free as she wants to be.

This is not the time to be nice. I'm not saying be mean. I'm saying don't expect her to look out for the best interests of anyone but herself. She's not looking out for the kids, or you.

It's best her exposure to the children and you is minimal as long as she's in the wayward mindset.

If she succeeds in getting primary custody of the children, and staying in the home, your pretty much cooked.

So make it clear, and document it, that you meant what you said when you took your vows, that marriage was forever, that this home and family the two of you built is part of that vow. Just because she wants out is no reason for you to give up living in the home and being with your children every single day.

Stay on point. Make it clear that if she really means what she's saying, that she wants out, that you can make that happen. However, you are not willing to pay the cost of her choosing to renege on her vow. The decision to leave is entirely hers. However, she will not take the home or the children without a fight.

You are taking the stand that vows mean things, and by choosing divorce, she is breaking her vows. That's no reason for you to lose primary custody of your children.

Don't be mean, don't curse, yell, etc. Deliver that message as lovingly as possible. Via e-mail if possible, to document her response when you go to your attorney, which should be this afternoon if you are not already on the way there.

Also, I would not let her know what you know about the affair. Make it about her behavior at this point. You can talk to your lawyer about the proof of the affair. He'll know what to do.

Stay on point, that you meant your vows, you love her, and if she continues on the course, she is damaging the family and breaking her vows. Make it clear she is free to go, as you cannot hold her against her will. Make it equally clear that you expect the same courtesy, that she not force you or the children to leave the home simply because she no longer honors her vows.

Steve,

Try not to despair. Just remember that waywards are so focused on getting their next fix. She is likely not 100% committed to D yet but a) trying to get you to back off and give her more space and b) trying to get OM to respond to her.

SteveinJax,

Just read your whole thread. I�ve been in your shoes with the exception that you�re actually doing everything I wish I had done. The WW fog babble is nearly identical to the stuff I heard, with the same justifications. My WW saw that I was actually serious about forgiving her infidelity and doing what was necessary to save the marriage, but she threw me when she told me, �the only way we could have a chance of being together again is if we divorce amicably and have time to heal.�

I was in a very weak state of mind, having just returned from a deployment, and I fell for it. She basically took everything and it took a massive legal battle to secure my rights as a father.

The decision to divorce or stay together is ultimately yours. You haven�t said anything about your WW that makes me think that things aren�t salvageable. So press forward hard with Plan A, Plan B if necessary.

That being said:

Protect yourself legally. Get a lawyer immediately and provide her with the emails you have. You have a right to have that software on your computer since it is joint marital property. You can put any kind of program there. The evidence may not be admissible, but you may be able to use it during discovery.

Also, think hard about filing first as a protection. File on grounds for adultery. The legal process is slow and it is very advantageous of you to file first (if your lawyer says so).

Some of the success stories on this board are from men who filed and protected themselves until WW came to her senses.

If you don�t wish to file first, then be ready to respond with an immediate order that the children be kept in the marital home. Do not lose your cool or your temper, but any time she talks about D, tell her you only talk about marriage. If she pushes, let her know that D will neither be easy or amicable and it is a road you�re not willing to go. Let it be clear that you will not let the children be taken from you and you�d rather put your efforts into fixing your marriage but that you will fight for custody of the kids, especially if she�s having an affair.

Part of my WW�s fantasy was that she and I would be friends after our D. We�re anything but. I feel indifferent towards her now, but that�s 5 years after the fact. You�ll go through all the emotions of detachment in a D which involve despair, depression, anger, rage, hopelessness, and fear. None of it is good.

But you�re being smart, my friend. Under no circumstances are you to reveal that you have spyware on the computer. I made that mistake and it only served to send her further underground, it eliminated my sources of intelligence, and gave her ideas on how to turn it around on me.

Finally, pay $100 to a PI and get all the info you need on OM. They�ll provide you with all you need by using tools you don�t have easy access to. This will help you with eventual exposure, which will be explosive.

Just a heads up on that: exposure will drive her nuts beyond belief. She will tell you that you�re just being vindictive, are out to ruin her rep, and destroyed any chance you had to save your marriage. This fear keeps many bs�es from acting and exposing, but it works.

Her anger eventually subsided, but exposure is sometimes enough to drive the OM away, especially if his family or wife is involved.

You have his email, name, and facebook page. That�s enough info for any good PI to get you the goods.

Find out if Florida has an alienation of affection law and threaten to file one.

Bottomline: retain a lawyer and be prepared to play offense. Gather your evidence. You�re being very smart and I commend you for it.

You�re acting for your kids and for you. The WW is an alien. She�s not the woman you know or married.

Forgot to add:

You might be able to file for alienation of affection in his state.

Just keep that in mind.

Steve, she would prefer that you cooperate with her intended destruction of your marriage. Just stick to your plan and tell her you are not interested. She can file if she wants but you won't cooperate. Tell her you will cooperate only with repairing the marriage.

Also, she has no money and no income so how is she going to file? Waywards rarely file for divorce. More often they talk about it alot.

I agree 100%.

Her email sounded weak, w/ "I guess" "I don't know" "I'm just.."

She just wants to get another fix from OM.

Mel, our accounts are joint... she will just use joint accounts to pay.

Do this.

OM did NOT like when you called him, nor did he like the idea of having to go to court for a woman he only "likes".

A little more pressure from you and I bet he'll bail.

Part of the nuclear exposure bomb, when you get there, will involve opening a new bank account in your name only and putting all of your family's money into it.

This will protect you and your kids. Again, I say this from experience and from having seen it on these boards. A WW will clean you out.

I trusted mine because "she just wouldn't do such a thing." But she withdrew most funds from our account into one she had for herself.

She wiped me out while smiling at me and telling me we had a chance to be together someday. I'm telling you that WW'es are among the most evil and cunning creatures you've ever met.

So be ready to protect your finances and get another account ready. You can often set it up easily with USAA if you use them.

Go to the bank TODAY. And close the joint accounts and move the money into an account w/ just your name.

Have you tried spokeo.com for info on OM?

One of my FB posted a warning about checking if your personal info is on it. I went there and punched in my name and sure enough it had all my info, spouse's name, phone no, even a picture of my house or street or something. I got it taken off but a lot of people don't know about it yet...