YES, do this - if she wants a divorce SHE must pay for it. Stick to your mantra "I will not support the destruction of this family". She should NOT use family money to tear it apart.

She needs some reality.

This isn't going to be sweet and pretty like in the movies.

She wants to go out and meet other guys, she is going to do it single, without her kids, and working a job to pay her bills.

You only support the FAMILY, not her affair.

Close the account, protect the money.

She'll be mad - but right now she isn't trustworthy.

How did you get it taken off?

Steve, I would go quietly open another account and move most of the money out of your joint accounts. Leave just enough to pay the bills and buy food in the joint account. Can you go down to the bank and do this ASAP?

She WILL wipe you out if you don't.

I tried this just now... he doesn't show up, but my ww does... even a picture of our house.

[/quote] Steve, I would go quietly open another account and move most of the money out of your joint accounts. Leave just enough to pay the bills and buy food in the joint account. Can you go down to the bank and do this ASAP?

She WILL wipe you out if you don't. [/quote]

I bank with USAA which is in TX. Can't just drive there. I'll call them, but I am almost for certain neither one of us can close the account since it is joint. We would both have to sign something. What I could do with withdrawl most of the money, open an account at another bank... Navy Federal for example and deposit it there. Then change my direct deposit to the other bank, and only fund the account with money she needs for regular expenses, groceries, gas, etc. I pay all the bills through automatic payment plans, so I would need to change all of those as well.

Do it.

It can take up to a month to verify that all automatic payments are also transferred. Things that I auto pay are car loan, mortgage, gas and electric, etc. They all have to be moved over, don't want them extracting money from an account that has no money in it. Use a bank statement to determine who auto-pays from your account and contact them all to change accounts.

That same FB posting had the instructions. I think there is fine print at the bottom with a link to a form to get it removed. It's been a while since I did it...HTH!

Thanks, Susie, I figured it out.

Looks like OM figured it out too!

Darn it.

Forgive me if you have already posted, but do you have his phone #? If so, you should be able to get a report at intelius on who the phone is registered to and also that report should have the address. I did this for OW1 and OW2 and it worked for both. It was $15 at the time...

I use that same bank. You can open up an account in your name only online. You could leave your pay going into the current joint account and then move your pay from the account the DFAS has into the other account. Also, if you have payments coming out of the joint account, you could move money back in. It can easily be done online. I move money from one account to another all the time, keeping the original account for the direct deposit.


AM

You really gotta get a separate account so YOUR not paying for her lawyers!

And btw, wheels closed our joint account and I didn't HAVE to sign for ANYTHING!

CALL NOW! You already know she is looking for a lawyer, yes they usually don't charge the first visit, but they sure do start paying after that!!

Ok next topic: she just left the house so I was snooping around the computer room and I found that she completed the ENQ. I am going to post the results, and some of it is a little personal to me:

Top 5 Ranked in Order

1. Honesty and Openess: Need: 6 out 6 Very Unhappy, Extremely Dissatisfied, not open and honest with me.

Comment: You are rarely ever open with me and it took me a few years to learn that you lie very easily and I can't even tell. This makes me question a lot of the things that you say which I think in turn makes you aggrevated with me

2. Conversation: Need 5 out of 6. Very Unhappy. Extrmely Dissatisfied. Not enough conversation and when we do it is not the way I like it

Comments: Don't walk when I am speaking to you. At least try to listen when I am telling you about a problem. Don't blow me off or make some negative comment about why I shouldn't feel the way that I do. Talk to me about what is going on with you.

3. Affection: Need 6 of 6. Somewhat unhappy. -2 of -3 dissatisfied. not enough affection and when he tries it's not the way I like it.

Comments: I don't know.

4. Admiration: Need 6 of 6. Very Unhappy. -2 of -3 dissatisfied. not enough admiration and when he tries it is not the way I like it.

Comments: Sometimes I feel like the only thing you admire me for is sex.

5. Recreational Companionship: Need:6 of 6. Very Unhappy. -2 of -3 dissatisfied. not enough recreational companionship and when he tries it is not the way I like it.

Comments: I don't want you to do things with me and the kids if you don't really want to. Going somewhere with you being miserable is worse than going by ourselves.


Ok those are the top 5 she focused on. I think I have a gold mine in my hands right now, but what I really need from you all is to coach me on how to start impacting the necessary changes with everything that you already know. After reflecting back on our marriage over the past 10 days since she told me she wanted to leave, I can honestly agree that nearly every feeling she states here is spot on. Still does not give her the right to have an affair, and she should have spoken about these problems to me sooner. Maybe she did and I didn't listen or understand. But I really want to save my marriage, and I know it can be done if she buys in. I know I have to expose the affair, but while I am gathering intel, what do you recommend to get me on the path to meeting her top needs?

Thanks I'll look into it right now.

This begs the question: why was she taking you places you didn't want to go to?? Apparently she made plans without your input [independent behavior] or you agreed to something you did not want to do if you were "miserable."

I think some of this is legitimate, but keep in mind 2 key things:

1. you aren't going to be very successful at meeting her needs now because she won't let you

2. The top 4 intimate emotional needs are going to make the FASTEST love bank deposits, ie: conversation, affection, rec companionship and sexual fulfillment

Openess and honesty is going to make very minor lb deposits becasue that does not build intimacy which leads to romantic love. We have lots of people on this forum who are or whose spouses are in love with very dishonest people. So, while you need to avoid the lovebuster of dishonesty, the needs you should focus all your attention on are:

conversation, affection, rec companionship [without kids!] and sexual fulfillment

armymama... mission complete. Created new accounts. Now to start updating bills and direct deposit. BTW I left enough in the checking account to cover upcoming bills for the next few weeks until everything gets due time to change over. Then I will drain the account down to only necessary expenses for the home and kids.

Also need to work on our joint investment accounts.

Good job!!

Here is a *LINK* to something Doormat-No-More (DoNoMo) wrote about how he handled his WW's needs.
He would be an excellent resource person for you in this regard. Mark1952 would be an excellent resource as well.

Later, when you have the time, you might start a "call out" thread to these wonderful guys.

Take care.