I still am included with my true friends that are married. I have been friends since they were single though and have known them a long time. I have been to their house with their husbands and am friends with them as well. I think it depends on the nature of the friendships.

Most of my friends here are married. Most of the single women are looking to hang out to go meet men and I am just not interested in going to bars.

Why do people feel that the way to "get over" a D is to find a new man? Like one can replace the other.

Have no desire to date or get to know anyone. Just not there.

Because they're idiots, lol.

Another one is that to the man/woman, when I say I'm getting a D, or in the process or whatever, people always say "I'm sorry to hear that" or something similar. I appreciate that and it seems like a totally respectful way to respond.

Now let me ask you, as a woman, how do most people react, or what is a common response when you've told them you were divorcing? [I'll reveal my theory after you post]

opt

It really depends who I was telling...

When I told my family that XH was leaving me they started to bash him. Most were totally shocked as I was. Wanted me to move back to my home state and just get out of here.

Friends and coworkers --- You don't need him, just move on, or the classic "don't worry you will meet another man soon". arrrgggghhhhh...

When I finally told people I was very honest and said that XH walked out on us and was having an A with his direct report. Maybe if I just said I was divorcing they might say they were sorry for me.

Would like to hear your theory.

I think it is because they are overwhelmed by loneliness and are convinced that if they just had a nice man, everything would be dreamy. That idea is sooo much easier than taking the time to heal from the divorce and re-exam our lives. I have no desire to complicate my life right now either with a new man. I'm not ready. I know it. I do want to meet new people though so I try to talk to people at work, I go to the gym, I go to church, and I go to dinner and movies on the weekend by myself. When I am ready to meet someone, I will. Until then, I am getting my life in order.

Well, it's a loose theory, but you affirmed it above to some extent. I just think people are more supportive with the man's bad news. With women, in my limited experience, people come up with these weird things to say.

My stbxww said someone actually asked her "are congratulations in order?"


Maybe people just assume that when the woman divorces she automatically gets full custody, the house, CS, and a big fat alimony check; and the opposite being true for the man.

Either way, I stick to my original theory: People are idiots.

-------------------
SS2 said it best.

Most people wouldn't dream of actually taking an opportunity to make themselves better people in the face of incredible adversity. I guess that's what makes us better than most people.


opt

I remember when my lawyer sent me an email to let me know that my divorce was final. The subject line was: Great News. WTF? I cried.

I haven't had anyone congratulate me. People ask me why I got a divorce and I tell them that my husband was unfaithful and left. The response that I get has been interesting. For the most part, people open up to me and share similar stories if they have them. I get this response the most! There are a lot of people hurting out there from similar wounds. Even people that haven't suffered from infidelity are very sympathetic. Frankly, I'm tired of the sympathy though. I need to find a way to answer that is less pitiful.

I compare Divorce to cancer. It attacks and is relentless. You fight it, sometimes the pain returns but then there is a point where you finally get stronger.

I feel I have overcame the cancer but don't have the strength anymore for the battle. Don't have the heart or soul for a new R.

Like you I am trying to be more social. I joined a poker group that plays once a month that is fun. I work out at the gym, go to church, work a 2nd job cleaning to fill my time and mind, and just try and keep busy.

I was always a very independant woman even when I married. My XH did not think I needed him was one of the fog babble statements he made to me.

I am very lonely but for the man my XH was not the alien he has become. (Thus my thread name "The Divorced Wife")

I feel exactly like you hope...I just dont have the heart and soul for a new R....and that would not be fair to the new person ya know? Thats how I feel about the D too...I just dont have any fight left in me to start that and NO desire for a new man. So I feel what would be the point.

I too would love a man, but my DH, I want him back...not any other....

I don't think divorce is a cancer since it was "man-made." It didn't just develop naturally or happen as a result of too much sun. And it's definitely not an accident.

And this vile thing -- this divorce as a result of an affair -- was done BY the one you and your kids loved the most.

So comparing it to cancer -- I'd compare it more to a mad scientist purposely infecting his own family with a flesh-eating bacteria that rots their brains and ruins their sanity just to made his family go away. More like poisioning than cancer.

Cruel. Thoughtless. And -- surprisenly -- LEGAL. Too bad we can't have them thrown in jail for poisioning their families.

HH, you crack me up. But, you are right. I buy the addiction theory, but only so far. My XWH and yours have been purposely cruel. They've treated us worse than someone they would pass on the street. With less dignity than they would give to any other human. It was a conscious decision on their part to hurt us. You would think that as long as they have known us that they could at least treat us with some respect.

I also have no desire to get into another relationship. Honestly, I don't understand how they can go from one right into another one. And another marriage? That is such a major life decision yet they make it as easily as they make a restaurant order. Just don't get it.....

Need to vent today. Saw my XH with PP.
Had to go to all hands meeting. A couple of my friends grabbed me on the way in and sat with me. Felt comfortable surrounded by friendly faces.

In walks XH with PP. XH comes 2 rows behind me; I don't think he saw me initially because PP grabs his arm after he starts down the row.

Everyone just stops talking and look at me. I wanted to get up and find a new seat but hey I was there first.

I turn my back on them. It hurt. I understand wayward behavior but this is the first time they sat together in front of me anyway. I thought it was cruel and disrespectful to be with PP in front of me.

Maybe they figure it is "ok" now they they are having their affairage in october.

It hurt to see her grab his arm in ownership. That was my husband...that was my life you are holding onto.
Hate it.

The only part of this that I enjoyed was during the presentation and the director started talking about ethics. Gave some examples and he mentions about a manager and relative working together and then a supervisor having an inappropriate relationship with worker.

One employee starts to laugh when they talk about this. I look back and PP is sitting there uncomfortable.

After the meeting they are going to have cake and punch. PP and XH get up and walk out of the meeting room as fast as they can.

Miss my old H, the not perfect guy -- the one that had a heart though.

On a better note took DD16 for yearbook pictures. So many nice ones to chose from but we are on a limited budget. She looked grown up -- no longer my little girl.

I was asking about links to see pictures. I was going to email it to XH in case he wanted to order some on his own and maybe remember what his daughter looked like after 15 months of not seeing her. DD hears me and says I don't want you to send the link to Dad. I do not want him to see me even in a picture. She was adamant about it. I agreed.

Hi there hope-

I am soooo glad you have some great people at work who will "get your back" when things are dicey.

I loved this:
As much as WXH and PP may want to pretend that everything is "okay" now, they do know deep down that it isn't. They also know that everyone else knows that too.

They are a joke.

Of course they high tailed it out of there as soon as they could. It will NEVER be okay, and they got a taste of it today.

Hang in there.

Hope, this is what my WXH and his OW did to me at baseball. Always showing up together. Always putting on a show. But in the end feeling uncomfortable as everyone they were showing off to had a degree of loyalty to me - even if it was simply that they knew my name and that I'd been around the league for years. Even those casual acquaintances had some level of disgust.

This year is my third season post d-day when OW started showing up. She has not made it to one single game. There is only one regular game left and then the tournament with a banquet afterwards. They came to the banquet the first year, but not last year. I used to have to seriously twist WXH's arm to go as he really despised social situations. If OW doesn't want to hang out with the league, he's not going to go.

I understand the workplace is very different from a sports league. Nobody is forcing me (or WXH) to sign up. Either one of us could find another league or just quit playing. But work is different and in many ways you are stuck. However, people do leave jobs, even long held jobs. Either one of them could stumble across a new job and, if they constantly feel uncomfortable at the current job, they may pursue it. Or it could even be a transfer within the same company. Anything could happen. It sucks that you have to face them, but at least you know your coworkers have your back.

I think that way-wards co-workers at work don't get it, that they just don't lose the trust of their spouses, but of their co-workers too, and the only people that would associate with them are people at work that are untrustworthy too.

Hugs to Hope. I am so sorry that you just have to live this thing day after day, and in your face. UGH

Well, I have to admit that it has gone a lot longer than I thought it would, but really, there will be an end to it at some point. The circumstances dictate that it isn't all what they are pretending it is. To admit otherwise would be to admit that they made a wrong decision and it ain't gonna happen until it gets so bad that it blows. It will blow you know.....

Sorry you have to put up with such crap in your face day after day. You have way more grace and strength than I think I could have demonstrated.
Be proud of your self; your life will be so much better and fulfilling in the long run. You are getting to know yourself all over again, You can choose the what and when's in your life. Celebrate the incredible woman you are, and that everyone here knows you are.
{{{{Hope}}}}

Hope, are you still thinking about relocating after your daughter graduates?

Hi Hope!!!!!

Nice to see some SAA group stopping by.
John's twin, thanks for your post. I always admire you and the grace you had during your difficult time.

Chrisner you are peeking in here too!

Not sure what I am going to do about relocation. When we sell the house don't think it will give me enough to move in one of the most expensive cost of living states. I hate winters but the downer is all of my family is there.

Lately I have been thinking that maybe I will stay here till I retire. Work is much less stress (except when I see XH and PP) and cost of living is better. Who knows how I will feel tomorrow.

Had a nice night. Went shopping at Kohls with DD16. Bought her some school clothes and grab a few items for myself. Of course I spent more than planned but it was fun and we had dinner after that. When a teenager wants to spend a Friday night with you, you need to appreciate it.

She is a pain sometimes but she is my blessing.