I have used the analogy of walking around in a blizzard without a coat on to demonstrate some of what you described. When we are cold and fighting to remain alive, getting warm is our only real need. Nothing else even matters if we intend to survive the ordeal. This is why Openness and Honesty is typically the TOP EN of most BS when the chance to examine them and rank them according to importance first takes place.

But once we get inside by the fire and begin to warm up a bit, we might find that we are also quite thirsty because while we struggled against the cold we didn't even consider drinking a bunch of fluids to keep ourselves hydrated. It paled in importance when compared to getting to a place of shelter so we could get warm.

After we have satisfied our thirst, we might realize that we are also pretty hungry since eating too had taken a back seat during our struggle to survive and find shelter. We also expended a huge number of calories just trying to keep enough warmth to stave off hypothermia and maintain enough brain function to find a solution to our ordeal. This is why we "shiver" when cold, BTW. It is our body's way of burning more calories to generate warmth. It is a sign that our core is cooling rapidly and we need to find a place to warm up right away.

Then after we have had a meal, we find that we are quite tired. In fact we feel so exhausted that we can hardly imagine the things we know we already went through. Nothing else matters now except getting some rest and we fall asleep quickly, our minds finally getting some peace as well as our body's beginning to recuperate from the exertion.

When we are going about our daily lives we don't even think about the air we breathe. We inhale, exhale and go on with what we are doing. But if our air supply is suddenly cut off, we suddenly need and want nothing more than to get our next breath.

Needs can and DO change according to circumstances as well as based on what is or is not being met at the moment. Keep in mind that the same is true for your wife. If SR is struggling with something the kids are doing, FC is likely to move up her list. If she has to go a week without being able to get everything she wanted to get at the grocery store, FS might be her top EN. If she is struggling with something she wants to discuss with you, Conversation might be at the head of her list.

Generally, based on what our actual top ENs really are, they will quickly move back into the top 5 once the circumstances have changed. Also remember that there are 4 ENs that are a bit unique. Called the Intimate Emotional Needs by Dr Harley, they are SF, Affection, Conversation and Recreational Companionship. These 4 are special because they are signs of intimacy between you and your wife and are in fact the very things that help to create intimacy in your life together. Typically two of these 4 will be among your top 5 just about all the time except under specific circumstances related to a crisis situation that needs addressing immediately. Just like getting warm can be more important than eating when you are freezing to death but once the crisis is passed, things like thirst and hunger and sleep are what drive you every day of your life. Emotional needs are very much like physical needs in that regard.

Once we feel warm and safe again, we are content to focus on what we need on a day to day basis and not worry about things that are not pressing. But this is why we need to make sure we are striving to meet the needs of our spouse as well because if we get too complacent in our own satisfaction, we tend to lose focus on what we ourselves don't really need at the moment.

Mark

Go to the bank TODAY. And close the joint accounts and move the money into an account w/ just your name.

Still trying to figure out my next move. No clue.

I just want to mention that her ENQ is very directed towards convincing you that the marriage was hopeless.
She is very invested into convincing you that you never should have gotten married, that you shouldn't stay married, and that the best thing for the kids is that you remain cordial and friendly during the divorce.
She will try to convince you that you don't need lawyers -- you can use a mediator!

Her email to OM is to keep him on the line. She HAS to be in the process of divorce, otherwise he might lose interest.

THE BLAME GAME

By now, you should be aware that all of this MUST be your spouses fault, however, your spouse may not understand this completely yet, so you need to start planting the seeds.

There are several ingenious ways to put the blame on your spouse, and we will be exploring them all.

Method 1: The Non-Blame Statement

I'm trying not to blame YOU

This statement implies that you are "not putting the blame on them" but on closer look (which your spouse is guaranteed to be doing) The words actually put all of the blame on the spouse (where of course we know it belongs).

Method 2: The Passive Blame Statement

I don't think that I can live with you.
My opinion never mattered to you.
I cant' live like this.
We rarely have fun anymore.
I don't want to live this way anymore.
(There are many more I'm sure you can think of)



These are passive statements that don't actually assign blame to your spouse, but your spouse will definitely get the idea if you use them. They can't help but see that it MUST be them that makes you feel this way.

Method 3: The Direct Blame Statement

You never listen to me.
You never put creases in my pants.
You use bagged salad.
You never keep the house clean.
You are going to do it your way.

All of these are direct statements of blame. You should mix actual faults with things that don't really matter to make it more confusing, and make your spouse feel as bad as possible about themselves.

Your spouse has probably already started doing the hard work to look inside his/herself (Yuck, what an awful thought!) and will take on all of the faults you list to try and correct them. This will keep them occupied for awhile, and you can avoid any serious relationship talks while they apologize for and try to fix all of their own faults. Make sure that you don't actually accept the apology, that way you can continue to bring the fault up which will slow down their self improvement process. Remember, they are working on becoming better human beings, and you wouldn't want that to happen to fast, as that would interfere with your ability to string them along.

WW: Yeah, we're talking. Everybody keeps telling me to take the high road,

I guess everybody's a marriage counselor now

However my favorite part of the class was when the instructor said so how many of you have already started a relationship with someone new and a bunch raised their hand and she said, well you might get more out of this class 4 years from now when you are taking it again.