Here's the way it works in my state. It is a no-fault state and assumes shared custody as a baseline.

As far as division of assets and liabilities (debts), this is the way it works. You list all of the marriage's assets and debts in a financial affidavit that you are both required to provide the court.

Then either in mediation, or a judge will do it if it goes to court, the assets and liabilities are then split in a roughly equal manner. But, that doesn't mean that you each get half of the assets and half of the debt. It's the difference of the two that needs to equal out in the end. In your case, your retirement would be a large plus in your asset column. However, if the amount of debt you take on cancels out a large portion of that, you may end up close to equal with your wife. Talk to you lawyer, he will guide you through all of this.

After a few months of marriage counseling and on and off again no contact (I found later there was contact all along), I gave my WW three ultimatums. 1) Absolutely no contact EVER again, 2) Major lifestyle changes for both of us, but including her no longer going to single bars until all hours of the morning, and 3) Firm commitment to working on the marriage. When she tried to negotiate around all three, I knew we were done.

Have spoke with a lawyer, and he more or less said the cards are stacked against me. I know I am on the losing end of the stick due to my income level. I will probably have to assume all debt, just to get me to 50 percent of my retirement, let alone a larger portion. Alimony is somewhat limited in this state, at least they doing usually award huge checks. Its more about temporary "get on your feet" amounts. Mediation was my best bet for fair and equitable, and cheapest method, but if I really care about custody more so than my financial stability, I think court may be my best option.

Sometimes things have a way of working out...

In two days I will close on the refinancing of my house and cut the XWW a check for her share of the equity. This a great time to be refinancing and I got a hell of an interest rate. Standing on my own financially was one of my biggest fears of divorce, as my wife is an engineer and made roughly twice my salary.

But I have to say, things are looking pretty good for me on the financial front. By cashing out most of the equity in our home, I will be able to pay off my truck and a credit card and have the mortgage as my ONLY debt going forward. We were also able to divide up the assets so that each of us kept our own retirement accounts.

The monthly budget doesn't look too bad, either. I am amazed how far my salary goes without the XWW's frivolous expenses. Let me list some of them for you:

$150 per month expensive cell phone plan
$150 per month payment on a larger flat screen TV that I never agreed to (she got the TV and debt in the settlement)
$300 per month gas for her large SUV
$500 per month on credit cards (she got the majority of CC debt in the settlement)
$60 per month to massage envy
$50 per month gym membership she never went to
$150 per month for hair cuts
$40-60 per month for manicures/pedicures
$50 or more per month on Mary Kay cosmetics
$120 per month prescription drugs
$200 per month on a diet doctor (this stopped when he was arrested for prescription fraud, I'm not making this up).

$ literally thousands of dollars on clothes over the past year as part of her mid-life crisis

$Who knows how much on going out to restaurants and bars on her party nights

In addition to my budget and debt situation looking good, I've had a windfall in cash income in the last month. The university I work for came up with 3% bonuses for faculty because we haven't had a raise in three years. That bonus was in my last paycheck. I was reimbursed $1,500 from a pre-tax day care account a week ago. I will be getting back $2,000 from the retainer I paid my lawyer. The final bonus happened when I canceled a credit card, turns out I had gained something like 30,000 bonus points that I redeemed for $300 cash back.

One story for you on the XWW and family front. A bit of background, we have a family that we had been friends with for 15 or more years. XWW worked with the man at her first job and they have landed together a couple more firms in the course of their careers. At her last job, it turned out that he became her supervisor and they didn't get along and the frienship soured. I exposed to this guy during exposure and telling him and her old job was what really infuriated her about exposure. As a result of the friendship souring, the families haven't spent time together for a couple of years. The only exception is that our oldest sons are friends and they get together yearly for a birthday sleepover.

Well, this past weekend was her turn with the kids. This old friend planned to have the yearly birthday sleepover for his son and a few friends (including our son) at his lake house this past weekend, also. Friday afternoon he calls me out of the blue and invites me to go along to the lake to help entertain the boys and to hang out. I agree and tell my son I will be going along. When we exchange the kids Friday evening, I tell XWW of my plans and my son begs her to let him stay with me since we are going together to the lake tomorrow.

To her credit, she agreed without too much fuss. I know it burned her up inside that I was hanging out with an ex-friend she now wants nothing to do with. On top of that, I got to spend the weekend with my oldest son instead of having to mope around the house by myself.

So here I am..., financially stable, reconnecting with old friends, and still heavily involved with my children's lives. I have them for the labor day weekend and will be going to my mom's house on the coast to visit with family and go boating and fishing all weekend.

This post-divorce life might not be so bad after all.

That sounds great! Since she made twice as much as you, will you be able to get spousal support? She BLOWS more money than I LIVE on, that's amazing! You'll be okay in the end, you'll see.

I'm glad to hear you are doing alright.

Funny thing is the WS always thinks post divorce will be the best thing for them...when they realize it's not ROFL!! And always the BS always thinks that post divorce will be the hardest thing ever when in reality....it's the BEST decision!!



Stupid WS'S They don't see anything!

I'm so happy for ya shtoop.

You'll probably find yourself doing a lot of things that just wouldn't fly before. It's not all a bed of roses as you have acknowledged but there are definitely advantages to things being this way. Enjoy it.

opt

Just checking in, nothing much to update.

I'm falling more and more into a routine as a single dad now. It was WW's weekend with the kids, so it worked out that she had them 5 days in a row. The good news is that it didn't bother me so much this time, I busied myself hanging out with friends, doing chores, watching football, and putting my touches on the house.

But, that doesn't mean that I didn't see the boys. The youngest has football games every Saturday, so I got to see them and hang out a little at the game. Then they have scouts on Sunday where I help lead the dens, so I got some time with them on Sunday also.

Speaking of the house, the man-cave is rounding into shape. WW got in the settlement the expensive, giant flat screen TV and entertainment center that she unilaterally decided to purchase last year and moved them out of the house a week ago. Well, I went on a shopping spree and purchase a new TV stand and 42" flat screen to replace them. Total cost of her purchases (which were all put on credit card): $4,500. Total cost of replacements (I paid cash): less than $900.

I rearranged the furniture and hung my surfboard on the wall over the TV. The surfboard is an older Bud Gardner longboard in nearly perfect shape, really a beautiful board that is now considered a collector's item. She would never let me hang it in the living room. Now the room has nautical theme to it and the boys said they like it better!

Now all the rooms have been cleaned out and reorganized except for the two back bedrooms. One was a combo playroom and hobby room for her scrapbooking (that she hasn't done in 2 years). The boys share the other room. I plan to reorganize them both, get rid of a ton of unused toys, and give the boys separate rooms.

One of the benefits in living without the WW is that now I can keep a neat and tidy house. I always did about 90% of the household chores and had grown tremendously resentful that WW not only wouldn't help, but would scatter her crap everywhere and make keeping things organize nearly impossible. Now the man cave is nearly spotless and stays that way.

Speaking of the WW, perhaps the single life isn't all it's cracked up to be for her. She's complained several times in the last week how busy she is at work. On top of that, she's had the boys the last 5 days and all the running around to soccer and football practice, games, scouts, preparing meals, etc. that goes along with it. She had to drop the youngest at my house yesterday afternoon because she just couldn't do it all.

Another interesting tidbit, I noticed she has an active profile going on match.com. I guess things aren't all rosy with Mr. Wonderful. I always got the feeling that she was the pursuer during her affair and that he didn't want to be serious. I also know that she was more enamoured with being single and chasing multiple men than the typical WW who is hung on one guy.

Hope she gets lots of action (losers) on match.com. It must suck to be a wayward.

sh2p,
glad things are coming along for you. That's a great visual of the surf board above the television.

I put a pull-up bar going into the living room. I also bought a electronic piano that I always wanted and could never quite justify. Now my back doesn't hurt as much because the pull ups are strengthening my lats and playing every night has been really good for me.

I recognize (as do you I'm sure) that I could have POJA'd these things and others, once I knew what that was. But, I guess the short story is that opportunity just wasn't something I could get my hands on with my first marriage partner. So, making the best of being single (something I never wanted) is the best I can do.

Amen, brother. I had a hard time with the deep cleaning I had to do after stbx moved out because all I could think was that all the time she was having her little tea parties with OM's, dust and grime was piling up. It was an obvious manifestation of her irresponsibility (and now I'm recognizing that it was also an obvious manifestation of my lack of boundaries...but, live and learn).

You'll see them a lot. And with stress levels down and schtoop finding his own stride, they will really enjoy time with you. I'm so much of a better parent now that I'm rid of a lot of the stress of knowing deep down I was in a marriage where I wasn't satisfied.

Being separated has allowed me to re-examine my likes/dislikes in the absence of the outside influence. I'm trying to really get a grasp on what things are important to me (my faith, my music, the stuff hanging on the walls, how much clutter is acceptable, what kind of friends I want, how I spend my free time, etc.), and just how important those things are. Multiple advantages to this including that I'm starting to tolerate myself much more; I also feel I'll be better able to identify deal-breakers in a potential Mrs. Opt if I ever get to that point.

Anyway, sh2, I can totally identify with a lot of where you're at. I think you're doing great.

May I suggest you talk to the guidance counsellors at the kids schools and get them involved with a "Divorced Parents" group? My daughter 9 does it and loves it. She actually asked the teacher herself when was it going to start. I know it's a little different for boys, but still a good thing to bring up with the teacher since this is all so new.

DS14 was over tonight, doing his homework and hanging out (even though it's not my night...). He said "Dad, I've noticed we haven't ordered out since you got separated." WW used to get so many subs and order pizza at least once per week. I make my own food. The kids haven't even asked - he just brought it up b/c he noticed. Also the cable box has been on the fritz for a week, I can't get motivated to call the cable company and reset the box. Previously, this would have been a national crisis.

I think both our waywards were just wayward in general. That fantasy will crumble, and it's not going to be pretty. Are you truly ready for her to come crawling back? Because I think it could happen with you, schtoop. I think you're starting to detach pretty well. It takes time and you're doing a lot of things right, in my estimation. Just be ready for any contingency, right?

Frankly, being single at this stage in life is bad enough. But, yeh, knowing in your heart you threw away your marriage and being single... that would be tough to live with.

opt

Haven't posted in a long time, but I've been on here and kept up with some of the threads. Thought I'd do a little update for my MB's friends.

First, things are going well at the man cave. This past weekend I finished sorting through the piles of old toys and totally cleaned out the back two bedrooms (one the boys shared, the other was a playroom/craft room). The boys each have their own room now which they helped arrange and decorate and they are really excited about that.

Had the boys this past weekend and we had a great time. Had soccer and football games on Saturday, then they hung out and played with the neighborhood friends the rest of the afternoon. Sunday we went out on my boat for beach, swimming, and fishing and brought along a school friend of my oldest son. Finished Sunday evening by grilling out, then catching up on homework. The math was hard and my oldest actually worked through it with me rather than fighting me the whole time, a very rewarding change from the usual homework struggle.

I'm so glad that I'm in the old house with access to their old friends. All I hear about mom's "house" is how there's nothing to do there.

There's been a couple bumps on the co-parenting front. Last week I had to leave town early in the morning for a work trip, so we had to exchange the boys late at night after they were asleep. In the confusion, I forgot to pack their shoes for school the next day. I had also let them watch a R rated movie last week (the original Terminator, tame by today's standards) and I guess I playfully told them not to tell mom. Well, I got a nasty email about forgetting the shoes and making them late for school and for telling the boys to keep "secrets" from her. In it she mentions something about "good parenting".

As much as I wanted to blast her with a five-page dissertation on the lack of good parenting she's displayed in the last year, I held my tongue and simply responded with the facts and that I didn't need a lecture on parenting.

Now this week I hear comments from my oldest on how mom will get him a new game system for his birthday if dad will pay for most of the party. All of this is news to me and really puts me on the spot.

Speaking of the WW, guess who has a very active account on Match.com? Guess things are pretty dead with OM#1, or she just wants to bang every man that shows a remote interest.

Oh yeah, she's also going on a 5-day cruise with some of her "girls" to celebrate her 40th birthday in two weeks. It's the prospect of turning 40 that started all this partying and wayward behavior. That's alright, I will be spending her weekend with the boys while she's out blowing her settlement check.

I can hear the young Mick Jagger singing, "What a drag it is getting old...."

Did I also mention what a drag it must be to be a wayward?

nice to hear your update..

*Edit*

WTF?

Coulda been spam ~happened on my thread too. Look at the number of posts -10.
O

Freaked me out at first, thought it could have been xWW.

schtoop,

Been wondering as you were leading up to your mediation did you have talks with the ex about the settlement, throw some numbers around, and how did that go.....

Did you use all that journal stuff to help sway the mediation ?????

What was the most effective thing you did to help your side ?????


Did you pull out the A evidence in the mediation ????


Did you tell the ex about any of the evidence you had prior to the mediation ???

Is there anything you wish you had done differently ??????


Been trying to lay low off my threads for awhile ....got another month before I have our mediation now..

Hey, stillcommitted.

First of all, maybe I can put the process of mediation in proper perspective. Mediation is for you and your STBXW, not for the lawyers or anyone else. No one knows your situation like you two, and if you can put emotions aside, you can arrive at a much better solution for both of you rather than leave it in the hands of a judge who only knows what he can gather in a one day trial.

What I did and what I would advise is what I call "radio silence". Only talk about the divorce proceedings when it is necessary and then keep it all business (it was necessary when assembling financial documents, we actually did this together). Do not give away your strategy or threaten legal actions. Do not give any indication of how prepared you and your lawyer might be or what evidence you have. The more you keep them guessing, the better position you will be in.

Going into mediation, my xWW made it pretty clear that she wanted to avoid trial at all costs. I felt sort of the same, but was fully prepared to go to trial if we couldn't arrive at what I felt was a fair agreement.

We did have the opportunity to discuss what we could agree on before the mediation and it was very helpful. We pretty much agreed the 50/50 custody was best and even who kept the house and what to do with some old beach property we own. But, keep these discussions on the level of just finding out what each other is looking for in the agreement and DO NOT actually make agreements or concessions in these kind of conversations.

Now to answer your main question, mediation is not the place to bring out all your big guns or evidence. My lawyer briefed the mediator confidentially (you can tell the mediator what is OK to share with the other side and what is to be kept confidential) on my wife's infidelity and gave him a preview of what we would present in trial just so the mediator knew our position and could advise the other side that going to trial might not be a good idea if they were to get stubborn. Otherwise, the evidence or even adultery were not mentioned again.

Never gave my wife one hint of how prepared I was to go to trial. I was never this thorough and organized before, so she likely doesn't know to this day how much I had assembled. I would advise to not even hint about any journals or evidence you have prior to mediation.

What helped me the most? Probably my xWW's desire to avoid trial and the fact that I had hired a big gun, bulldog attorney. Definately came into the mediation from a position of power.

Final advice, the division of assets and debt and child support is pretty cut and dried under most state laws. You guys will decide how to divide the assets and debts, but in the end the net difference on each side needs to be equal and your lawyers will assure this. Child support is done pretty much by a formula based on custody and both spouse's income. If you agree in principle on the major issues, don't get bogged down in the details of the property split.

Anything I would have done differently? Looking back there were a couple of financial maneuvers I could have done leading up to the settlement that would have benefited my side of the ledger, but they only cost me a few thousand dollars which isn't that critical in the long run. We both left the mediation feeling like we left some money on the table, so it was probably pretty fair.

Hope this helps.

schtoop,

Thanks for the input, I'm trying to lay low for awhile on my tread just in case.

My kids are grown and having that out of the equation is a huge help.

Alomony is what it is all about for me and nailing that down reasonably is what we have left to fight over. My problem is I don't think she should get a dime and she has no problem asking for tons of it.

Our mediation has been put off for another few weeks so I still have some time to finish preparing.

Thanks for the input it helps me to feel better, no question about it I still have a long way to go and having you guys on this board is a life line for me.

I read your entire thread today. I'm in the midst of a messy D that's been going on nearly 2 years with no end in site. The fact is that my WH can't come to grips with the fact that he wasn't suppose to spend marital funds -- OUR MONEY -- on OW. He's bobbing and weaving and stalling and hiding -- which is funny since he's the one who started the D process and he's the one who's living with and now engaged to OW. Anyway, my stranger-than-fiction thread is on the Infidelity Forum but I hop over here once in a while for legal advice. SO... thanks for sharing!

I think you have handled your situation admirably. You're a great role model for your kids and WW is such an idiot. One day, she'll regret it like they all will. It just might not be until their deathbed.

I just have to comment on one of your earlier posts where you outline WxW's spending. I nearly choked when you noted $50/mo. on Mary Kay Cosmetics.

See -- the manipulative, gold-digging OW in my sitch sells Mary Kay as her full-time (ha) job. I can bet that at least one of your WW's bar-fly friends is selling this crap to your WW AND feeding her the Mary Kay mantra of cutting out negative people in her life, living for herself, ignoring the truth, acting "as if," etc. I've gathered quite a bit of intel on both OW and Mary Kay -- even finding a website called Pinktruth which exposes the wayward thinking of Mary Kay. I swear -- it talks about the fog of the Mary Kay approach, how it misleads women with half-truths and it's own kind of reality, how it feeds a void in these women's lives, etc. Mary Kay sounds EXACTLY like the script that OW and OM say in affairs. VERY WAYWARD!

My WH stupidly lives with OW who's already had 2 H's even though she's only in her 30's. I heard OW's friend who also sells Mary Kay just filed from D from her H. My inlaws neighbor who sells Mary Kay is on H #4. I believe THE original Mary Kay Ash had 5 Hs. I'd bet good money that the woman selling Mary Kay to your WW is either divorced or going through a divorce. And your WW may be the next Mary Kay recruit since the saying "birds of a feather..." still goes.

But who cares about WW. You -- Keep up the good work. You've got your head on straight and you are headed in the right direction. Good job!