txn, this man is going to literally drive you insane. And I use the term "man" loosely. He's really a sneaky little 10-year-old who lies to and manipulates Mommy so he can do what he wants without any consequences, and then is very proud of himself for succeeding.

And it's working.

He is pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing and wheedling and whining and sniveling over your boundaries. He is wearing you down and It's Working.

He has no interest whatsoever in being a responsible, grown-up married man.

His goal, which is clear in your posts, is to keep Mommy at home and out of the way (and taking care of his laundry and his dinner) while he goes out on his dates and has fun like a single guy.

You are 100% correct when you said he was passive/aggressive. P/As are very, very emotionally immature and are heavily invested in remaining victims. "yeah, I lied but SHE MADE ME DO IT!"

Does that sound like a grown man or a 10-year-old boy??

Please Google "passive-aggressive spouse" and you will see what you are really dealing with.

Here is the boundaries post:

*******************
A boundary is not defined as "something I don't like."

A boundary is defined as "something I will defend no matter what."

A very common question is, "How do I enforce a boundary? How do I make my spouse stop lying, how do I make my spouse stop dating OP, how do I make my spouse start taking care of our family instead of someone else's?"

The answer is: You don't.

Trying to "make" people do the things listed above is not enforcing a boundary. It's control, it's manipulation, it's laying down demands, etc. etc. etc.

And none of it works.

The answer to the question, "How Do I Enforce A Boundary?" is virtually always the same:

You remove yourself from the situation. You stop allowing the boundary trespasser to have any access to you at all.

This is what's meant by, "You can't control others. You can only control yourself."

You can't "make" your spouse stop lying to you - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

You can't "make" your spouse stop dating OP - - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

You can't "make" your spouse take care of your family instead of someone else's - but you can remove yourself from their presence and no longer allow them around you until they do.

Get the idea now?

Boundaries are for *you*. They are to protect you from people who would do you harm. They are NOT about "making" others do anything. They are about protecting *YOU*.

Castle walls don't make the invaders stop their cruel and destructive attitudes - but they do protect you from their intrusion.

Boundaries are castle walls.
******************

Oh, that's why OW shows up at games, even the men's games? I had to go back and read thru your post cuz I didn't understand why she would be there.

tx, just reading about this made me sick to my stomach.

Why have you gone along with this??

GREAT question!!

Actually she's never ever been to a men's league game. Which is why I was ok with him playing on just a men's league. I haven't seen her in over two years, so it was a complete shock to see her there. I don't think she showed up on purpose. I think she showed up to watch a few players on the other team. I'm sure us being there was a surprise to her as well.

Either way, it just demonstrates that even playing the sport puts us within a circle of people that I just don't want to be around at all. (And I know softball leagues are also breeding grounds for affairs). From what I've heard through the grapevine this OW has had multiple affairs with various team members over the years. (Which I pointed out to H, didn't exactly make him special, right??!)

I definitely see how PA my H is and how he is playing the role of a child. I'm going to continue getting my plan B stuff ready and maintain calm as much as I can. My H is aching for a fight, aching for me to yell and scream because I know that he uses that as a justification to then do what he wants.

BTW, thank you for any and all 2 x 4's. I really need to keep on track!

-txnatheart

MelodyLane,
I have a question about your post regarding filling the vacuum left by softball. Since my H is quite evidently giving up softball unwillingly. I'm uncertain about whether or not to purposely schedule time during those game times. Meaning, I don't want to get in the habit of trying to "entertain" him during game times, right?? And because I am trying to meet needs regularly, I'm unsure as to how much responsibility I should take over this. Meaning at this time, I am the person orchestrating all of the alone time with us. So I'm afraid that I am kind of enabling him, as he already looks to me to pretty much do everything regarding the relationship. Oh he goes along alright, but very, very seldomly takes the lead.

Any advice on this?

-txnatheart

My H used to do something similar to this, only instead of softball, it was guitar playing. He would "jam with the boys" all the time. Late into the night.......

Oh, we fought about it plenty. He could not see how this time away got in between us. How much time (HOURS!!!! - and EVERY WEEKEND, and often weeknights too) his jamming overtook everything else. He saw it as just time with the boys. He had to have his time with the boys. All-important. No time to help at home, no time for anything but himself. Oh, and time for the boys.

One night after I had recently had my second child, I was sick, the baby was sick and I needed him to come home and relieve me. I called the house where he was "jamming". Of course there were women there. I told the wife of one of the guys my situation, and she put him on the phone (which he avoided, because one of his "rules" was that no interruptions were to be made when people were playing music!). He was angry - but I explained the illnesses and asked if he would come home. (My youngest daughter was a very sick infant, and it lasted about 18 months, so he knew about this). He said he would be home in 30 minutes.

An hour later, I called again. He was still jamming. He would be home in 30 minutes. This happened three more times.

Finally, at 130 in the morning, I called for the last time. I did not ask to speak to him. I simply told the woman who answered to tell him NOT TO COME HOME, because by the time he got there I will have the locks changed and he would be unable to get in the door.

I was done begging for him to be my husband. Period.

And I told her to tell him that whatever he did, do NOT come home. Because if he did, the fight he was in for would be something he did not want to have.


He was home in less than 15 minutes.


He never did it again.

We did talk about it the next day.

What your husband is missing - big time - is the point that he is a GROWN UP. Whether he likes it or not, he has to sacrifice some of his time with the boys so he can take care of his MAN DUTIES. Like, being a husband and father.

The time for the toys of youth are past. He needs to limit himself, and GROW UP.

Or he will lose it all.

SB

SB,
What happened after? Did he still go out and jam with the boys? My question is, my H has claimed to "give up" co-ed softball, but I know he is currently blaming me and of course being sulky and pouty. So with regards to now having the time available that was filled with softball, should I take the responsibility of trying to fill that time? I don't want to constantly be put in the position where whatever activity I come up with does not complete with the apparent joy of softball. Does that make sense?

-txnatheart

So I am officially in plan B and I feel miserable. H spent all last week ignoring me and pouting because I still "won't let him play softball". I've had enough. I live in a marriage with a H who doesn't respect me, our marriage, and any boundaries. He blames me for everything and has stated that he feels the last two years have been the most miserable of his life and that he feels like a prisoner and I am the warden. So since he feels this way, I basically told him that I'm giving him the key and freeing him from his prison. This all happened yesterday, so I feel numb and sad.

Deep down I know I've made the right decision. I can't keep trying to compensate for him and making this marriage work on my own. I can't keep taking responsibility for all of the things that have gone wrong in our marriage.

So, that's where I am. I'm trying to stay strong, but I feel terrible. Hopefully it will pass....

-txnatheart

txnatheart, he moved out? What do you mean you are in Plan B? Since when?

I asked him to leave yesterday. I gave him the letter and asked him to leave, which he did. He's staying at his brother's house.

-txnatheart

ARe you truly prepared for this? What arrangements have been made for visitation of the kids? Finances? Do you have an intermediary? Change the locks?

What are the conditions in your Plan B letter for him to come back?

Good for you!

You are right, you did the best thing for your marriage.

Just remember to go DARK, don't cave in and call, text, email, or FB him, if you need to block EVERYTHING! So you don't have that weakness.

Also who is your IM?

Sorry, I missed this earlier. For future reference, you and your H should schedule activities together during that time. Sit down on Sunday night with a piece of paper and schedule out the whole week.

I'll be honest, I'm not as prepared as I had hoped to be. I kind of lost it and went at it way too rushed. I'm also in a place right now that I know is dangerous. I'm starting to really question whether or not I want to be married to this man. It's so hard to want to save a marraige to someone who you know doesn't protect you or respect you.

I haven't changed the locks, but I don't think it will be a problem. Finances will stay as is for now, as I do all the bills and manage all finances. My intermediary is a mutual friend and I didn't set specific visitation. Basically because his work schedule doesn't really allow it, so I've said he can contact the intermediary to set visit times.

Honestly, I have very little hope that my marriage will survive. This is a DJ, but my H is a coward. I seriously doubt that he will fight at all for me and our son (also why I don't think changing the locks is necessary). He also has serious loyalty issues with his parents and twin brother. He has always allowed himself to be torn and I have fought for years to show him that he should be focusing on his wife and child first instead of mom/dad/brother.

I also have little hope because the conditions I have set are very high. Along with counseling with Steve, I want to move from the area. Being around his family is not healthy for us. And my H is very dependent and connected to them. So I am not hopeful that he will meet those conditions.

-txnatheart

txnatheart, there are alot of people here who can help you through this tough time. This first week will be the toughest, but after that it will get easier and easier as long as you can keep your Plan B airtight dark. If you can make it through the first 2 weeeks, you will feel better than you have in months. You will be surprised.

Do you have a plan in place for when he tries to contact you?

What usually happnens is the WS will go for awhile to see if you cave and contact him. When that doesn't happen, he will try to contact you. When he finds out he can't get through, he will become enraged. A WS does not like losing control over his spouse.

It is important to not let him through because if you, he will know you don't really mean it and that he does have control over you. That will forfeit any and all leverage you have from Plan B. So don't let him get through! Have a plan in place. Don't read his emails, don't take his calls, don't listen to his voicemails.

And please send this link to your intermediary: Intermediary Training School

(((txnaheart)))

It seems like every time I see a BS say this...the WS ends up making contact, because the BS wasn't prepared! He is used to getting his way and used to you meeting his ENs, so I don't think you can REALLY predict how he will react to your going dark...

I saw Mulan post one time "Plan B = Plan Boundary" one time. So true. You have admitted to having weak boundaries before. So prepare yourself to want to cave in and want to make excuses for why a little contact is OK. DON'T DO IT! Please post here often and let us help you. Hang in there!

Please stay dark and get the rest of your Plan B figured out so you will be able to focus on your healing.

When your WH has visits with your DS, he won't be coming into your home or seeing you in any way right? Have you given thought into all of the ways he would try to contact you? What would you do if your WH was talking on the phone with your DS and asks to speak to you, what would your DS say? It's a lot of prep time to ensure a dark Plan B. It's not too late.

You are about to go through a very hard withdrawal yourself. Hang tough. Get through these first few weeks without contact and you will feel better and better.

Congratulations txn. You deserve to protect yourself.

So true. Us poor boundary people will always have a tremendous sense of guilt once we start defining and enforcing our boundaries. We don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But remember you may be hurting him, but you're not harming him. Big difference.

I'm glad you have so much good guidance and support. I don't know you that good txn, but I know you can do this because you know it's the right thing to do, for you and your child.

~Opt

tx, how are you? How is your Plan B going?

[7 days later...]
I was wondering the same thing.

Hope all is well, txn.

opt