You sound like you're still foggy.

Aw, SC, I have such a low level of tolerance for this kind of stuff now. I would have an incredibly hard time biting my tongue and keeping it together.

I think you should totally ask her about looking externally for her happiness - her M didn't give it to her, apparently, her OM didn't give it to her, her new OWH (?) ... ? I don't know if it will be worth it, and I suspect she will spin her whole "finding herself trip" into her answer, but... Interesting to bring up, no less!

Ask her how she feels about playing a part in the destruction of peoples marriages, and does it bring real long lasting happiness.

This chick sounds like a Rielle Hunter clone - you know, John Edwards's hippie ho who helped destroyed his marriage so she could "find her authentic self".

Well, I'd say she succeeded in that last part.

I asked for this book for Christmas almost 2 years ago because of all the hype about it. I have been trying to get through it since last March. Here's my thoughts. I'm not sure what all the hype is about, except Oprah liked it. I find it kind of boring. Within the first several chapter my A-dar was at full strength and it was pretty obvious that the author left her M because of an affair. She is just to wimpy to say it outright. She moved in with the OM immediately after leaving her H. My guess is that she had her H sign some sort of gag order and in return he got a pile of cash.

The author is just an example of someone trying to purchase her spirituality. How many people can travel around the world on someone else's dime in order to "find themselves"? Truthfully I would have gotten a lot more out of this book if she would have admitted she was a WS who had learned from her mistakes. However she just pines away for the OM through much of the book.

Finally, I have been disgusted by Julia Roberts since her A, which was even before I became a BS. She is an example of the worst kind of OW. She was really nasty. Somehow she got away with it, maybe because back then the attitude about these As was more tolerant. Julia was the perfect person to play the part of the author. No, I won't be seeing the movie, nor will I finish this boring book.

I skimmed the author's website and looked at the Q&A column that is all about her research and thoughts on marriage. Interesting that she's so opiniated on a subject she hasn't had much success in, and, yeah, she's got the freeloader/renter mentality...

Anyway, one of her ideas on marriage that she mentioned more than once is that people shouldn't be marrying young because they need to have more life experience under their belt, etc., and if more people would wait until they were older, into their 30s, the D rate would be much lower. This is obviously a justification for why her first M didn't work out and her 2nd one will.

But frankly, it triggered me and pi$$ed me off because that's what my H said over and over when he was wayward, we married and had children when we were so young, blah blah... ugs...

What part sounds like I am still foggy? If Elizabeth ends the marriage and then chooses to travel the world that is a choice she is entitled to do. Elizabeth elected for a year of celibacy to get to know herself before embarking on another relationship. I think this is quite sensible. The only part that was not sensible was the fling she had after the marriage, at a vulnerable time. I would like you to be specific about why I am still foggy?

In the book she only got involved with another man once she had ended the marriage and the divorce was going through. I am not sure Wikipedia is that reliable.

I just think you need to cut this lady some slack. There are some things that i don't agree with, however she chose not to talk about the reason the marriage ended, we are all guessing that she didn't put the effort in, maybe she did, maybe she didn't who knows. I just believe that we can't jump to conclusions and jump on this womans back without sound evidence.

I think her book 'commited' is very useful for those considering marriage and all the elements that need to be considered. A lot of what she came up with in Commited is aligned to Marriage Builders.

The statement which I bolded in the quote. That you believe it is self-indulgent to NOT set free your spouse if they want to 'go find themself'.

It's blaming the victim. How is it self-indulgent to expect someone to uphold VOWS they made to you?

CWMI - My post did not mean that, I agree with you that is entirely self indulgent to do this whilst married. I meant that if a marriage ends in divorce, then I don't think it is self indulgent to take some time out to go travelling. I was more talking about references to her social circle family and friends who were opposed to her going travelling. Yes I think it is very self indulgent and totally wrong to do this when married!!!! Elizabeth did not decide to do this when married, it was some time after she left her husband.

I will probably refrain from posting on this thread as i am upsetting some people. I am not here for book reviews anyway.

The reason why she didnt talk about it in her book is because her M ended because she left her BH for OM....she obviously knows this was wrong....if there is nothing wrong with it why doesnt she just put it in her book...She is the typical entitled, selfish wayward...

I think she didn't listen succinctly enough to that voice in the bathroom that told her, "Go back to bed, Liz."

Perhaps the voice should have said, "That is YOUR bed, Liz. Lie in it!"

To me that was the most striking bit of 'different interpretation' between the author and I...but I'm only on page 100 of the book. She apparently heard, "Nothing to do right now but rest up for tomorrow's adventure!" and I would have heard, "Grow the eff up and handle your business, you self-indulgent twit! There is a MAN in there who is counting on you to keep your word. Go to him and figure this out together."

ITA, CWMI....I dont think I could even read that book...It would get me too annoyed at her stupidity.

I think she actually did talk about why the marriage ended...she said that they both went into the marriage believing that her wanderlust would dissipate around age 30 and she'd be ready to settle down into the suburban home and start making babies, but 30 came and she wasn't. She said a lot of the downfall was her fault, but that he wasn't 'completely blameless'.

Yeah, he expected her to settle down, like she'd said she would. So I imagine there was all kinds of 'pressure' from him to follow through. The lousy guy probably expected her to come home at night, or show up for funerals or something, what a jerk! :rolls eyes:

This is what V posted about wikipedia.. Me thinkst there is some rewriting history by Elizabeth...So she can say the "affair" was not what broke up the M...Like all waywards say..

It is so obvious she had an A and that the A ended the M. There was no reason why she could have not worked the M out. She herself admitted that the problems where mostly her fault...so what does she expect from her second M?
She is certainly not enlightened, if that what she thinks she is... even after her long journeys in Italy (pleeease), India and then Bali.
One does not need an outward journey to find oneself. In fact I believe she is probably the same person who left her first husband. She just dusted herself and now she thinks she is all shining, but her work is only on the surface.
It is going to be faily easy to follow her life from now on as she is a celebrity...she got involved with a man who is much older....and from a different culture. Many challenges right there...but I am sure she will be so good at handling them. Pride will play a big role...she will put extra effort in order for this relationship to work...extra effort that could have saved her first M....
But then she could have not written the book and become successful....
blessing

Unfortunately there is no way to prove this. And actually our culture does everything to show us that running away does make you happy. Gilbert has glamorized this and so has Julia R. in her personal life.
These famous waywards and even the less famous ones are run by pride and will never admit they made a mistake, never. So who knows....
I am sure at the stage Gilbert is now (success etc..) she is not thinking about her first H and her failed M, unless it brings her revenew.
blessing

Atena, we really can't know what people are thinking and how they are feeling at their quiet moments. There are many people who not only run away figuratively but they run away mentally and emotionally. They stick their heads in the sand and wish away their problems. It doesn't make the problems go away.

There are many people who already have a wayward mindset and reading these kinds of books or watching these types of movies only validates them. I never read this book or saw this movie and I never wanted to. I wasn't aware that Julia Roberts had an affairage and I have lost a lot of respect for her. I know it won't affect her in a personal way because she doesn't know me, but I will pass on the info at every opportunity I have. No more Julia Roberts movies for me.

You are right, we do not know what they are thinking, but their actions speak volumes...
I mean this literally in the case of Gilbert. Her thinking is messed up, however she is able to put it in a book and convince people, because, sadly, a lot of people feel trapped in unhappy relationships and feel the only way out is to run away with a new person....
This is how we solve our problems in this culture.
So in a way it is hard to think that a WS has actually any remorse or any problems when they leave the M.
Many times it is shown to us that their lives actually improve.
Julia has 3 kids with her affairage and leaves happily on a ranch making tons of money...
Gilbert's books sell very well, she has a new man, is spiritual and successful....so the proof of it speaks volumes.
Sure we do not know what goes on in their head but we can assume they just go on with their lives as anybody else does.
blessing

Yes they go on with their life just as everybody else does. Sure they have money. Maybe even fame and fortune. BUT does that truly get them happiness. I feel sorry for those children. I hope that Julia and her affairage husband are able to get out of their wayward selfish mindset and actually be able to take care of those children although they may end up with an obscure sense of morals which will not serve them well in life.

There is more to life and happiness than money and fame. It is true that while some waywards NEVER wake up from their wayward thinking, they AREN'T happy. Find me people who are merely going through their existence who are truly happy. You will find people who are just getting by. Surviving and not thriving. Of course there will be moments of happiness but when you are at your final judgment, what do you want said about you? How do YOU want to be remembered? What do you want people to say when they are saying good-bye to you?

I can answer that question. I choose to live my life by making choices that will positively effect me and as many people around me as possible. Things that will make people BETTER. That is one of the reasons that I come on here and try to help whenever I can. I want to have a positive effect on other people's lives. That is what brings me true happiness, TRUE JOY. I wish the best for people and I hope that everyone can find their inner peace. Staying in a negative mindset does no one any good. We are not the product of our circumstances, we are the product of our choices. I CHOOSE to do better. I make mistakes, I am human. I choose to learn from my mistakes and become a better person everyday. There is an inner peace that comes from living like this.

One of the things I hated about my WH's affair was the person it was making ME become. I am learning to become a better person and for that I am grateful. I wish only joy for all of my fellow MB posters(and the lurkers too).