STB4-



Would they talk with just me? I always assumed that any type of MC (or coaching, in this case) wouldn't work w/just one person involved.

I do need someone to help me figure out a plan but would it be the right plan to truly recover our marriage if Steve or Jennifer only hears my side of the story?

I just know that I am very frustrated, hurt, angry, confused, and overwhelmed right now. By everything. And I know me, once I get started, it's going to be hard to keep all those emotions from from clouding my perspective- I'll end up making WH look like a monster and that's not my intent.

I HATE what WH's choices and actions have done to me and our marriage. But the part of me that is clinging to reason and hope knows that it takes two. He chose to cross the line. That's on him. I know that. But there are a lot of other issues with LB that we both need to work through.

Has anyone had experience doing the MB phone coaching w/o their spouse?


I read that few a couple of times, and printed it out. And left it on my desk at work, under the "to do" list

I have a list in my head though

-I need to gather more intel. Which means an SMS tracker on the phone & a keylogger on the computer since WH deletes everything
-We have a "talk date" scheduled for tomorrow. I need to insist on full NC again.
-Since we both have this weekend off, I am planning time for our talk, a "date night" at home for the two of us, and some family time with the kids.
-I need to start calling the IC's that are approved by our insurance
-Read, read, and read some more. I wish some of the forums here weren't closed. There are a lot of MB concepts that I am still trying to really understand- not sure if I agree with everything and I don't know if it's because I just don't "get it" yet
-Yard work. It needs to be done. Before the talk date, preferably. Don't know if I can be trusted around WH after the talk date with heavy machinery at my finger tips.

Yes they will and I highly recommend it. When we were in our FR (False Recovery) I had a session alone with Jennifer.


Yep because an affair is an affair is an affair...they are all the exact same. Your H is foggy and taking hits from the crack pipe daily; that's all they need to know.


You need to kill the A first ~ you can eliminate YOUR LBers at the same time (it won't hurt you) but truth be told ~ the A needs to die before he's going to notice any big changes anyhow.


I'm going to urge you to use the program as a whole ~ I've yet to see anyone use MB "cafeteria style" and FULLY recovery their M.

To tell you the truth MJ you need to get the goods FIRST ~ all this other stuff hardly matters until you have cold hard proof that there is an A AND you do nuclear exposure.

My H's A died the DAY I went nuclear with my exposure. The first time around I half-*ssed my exposure (didn't know about MB) and all that got me was 10 months of pure h*ll in a false recovery. Don't make the same mistakes I did.

MJ -

I'm not a veteran but I can give you a few pointers on your Plan A. The big picture with Plan A is to be the best spouse you can be to show your WH what he would be missing if he didn't stop the affair. You do not discuss the affair or your relationship. You simply let your husband know that you love him and want to recover your marriage but cannot do so when a third party is involved - then CHANGE THE SUBJECT. You won't discuss causes or changes until after your husband commits to No Contact and send the NC letter to the OW.

If WH continues to not commit and Plan A'ing him his becoming emotionally impossible, that's when you go to Plan B in which you will outline requirements he must meet in order for you to accept him back into your life.

Vets - If I got anything wrong or you can add some helpful stuff, please feel free to correct me.

EDIT: Woah. Just realized I was not reading the latest post. This reponse is a little late. Sorry about that!

aBetterMe

I am sorry for not responding to the advice given before now. I try not to get online on the weekends when WH has off of work (attempting to work on UA since that was always one of his complaints about me)

MarriedForever-



Maybe I am misunderstanding your meaning, but these two seem contradictory. I have read that, in order for MB to work, it needs to be followed to a T- and I am not disagreeing with that. Which is why I am doing so much reading, trying to understand everything.

I'm not saying I don't agree with some of the MB principals, just that, since this is all new to me, some of it is a little confusing to me, and I am trying to figure out what it all means.

"All this other stuff" is me trying to make sure I understand the program so that I can follow it as it is laid out. And, while I am waiting for enough evidence to do a full exposure- what better thing to focus on?

IF (big if) I am wrong and the EA really has ended- then all this information can go to good use anyway. And if, in the more likely situation, I am right, shouldn't I fully understand it and be prepared to act on it once I have the evidence? Besides, just sitting here waiting for him to slip up so I can catch something is driving me nuts!

Abetterme-

Thanks for your description of a Plan A. I think I have a better grasp on it now. WH and I ended up not having our conversation about the EA this weekend. I wish we had, but it seems like now is not the time to really discuss this with him.

My only problem with Plan A- and I am just going to have to trust that it will work- is I am afraid that he is going to think my redoubled efforts to make our home life and marriage better mean he is off the hook, know what I mean?


Can I ask what you meant by that? I am not sure what was too late.

One more update...

I have the VAR, and have not gotten anything "good" from it. But wow, can that guy talk about fishing until my head hurts! I guess it's good that there is no proof on the VAR though. Whatever he is doing, it's not with someone (at least, not this past week)

I have an SMS tracker on his phone, but I didn't get the nerve to do that until this morning. I was worried about him finding it before. Now I am so mad I couldn't care less if he does.

Last night we had a great night together. Watched a movie, and then stayed up talking for hours, something we haven't really done in a while. We went to bed together around 11. This morning I looked at his phone while I was getting ready for work. Apparently, after I fell asleep, he decided to come downstairs and text the OW for a little while. So now all his incoming and outgoing texts are being sent to my email.

I have also called our phone company- Cell. South doesn't give detailed records on unlimited plans, but you can request them from the store and have them mailed to you. I did this on Monday- I am having the records sent to me at work just in case.

No money for a keylogger yet- but I have been checking his emails and nothing suspicious there. I think he is primarily using his phone anyway. D*mn unlimited everything plans- he has text, email, internet, etc... all right there, doesn't need to use his computer.

I'm hurt and frustrated, especially since I have a conference to go to that I cannot get out of. Everything has been paid for by my boss- and I don't have $1500 to pay them back for canceling at the last minute. I guess this is just the "make or break" time for us. I have all the monitoring stuff set up, and me being gone for 4 days is going to give him enough rope to hang himself.

EDITED TO ADD

Any advice for how to handle a confrontation once you have evidence? I'd like to hope that he will be faithful, but I doubt it. I think I am going to come home with more than enough evidence, and I am wondering what the best way to present that to him is. Those who have done this before- how did it go?

Hi MJ, I just skimmed thru your thread.

Great job on all the snooping. Come back here when you've got the goods and we'll help you with the next steps.

I totally hear what you're saying. However Plan A is supposed to show WH that you are capable of change and making a happy home and putting effort into meeting his needs. PAIRED with exposure, it's supposed to make the relationship with the OW much less appealing. It definitely does NOT get him off the hook.

When he commits to the marriage, that's when you make your list of requirements, one of those being he joins the MB train. At this point you are BOTH basically working on meeting each other's EN's and putting boundaries and expectations in place.


Can I ask what you meant by that? I am not sure what was too late. [/quote]

I had only read page one when I posted this but there were 2 additional pages. You had already gotten a ton of great advice so I felt silly!

aBetterMe

No confrontation, that will only drive the affair underground. You must EXPOSE it to EVERYONE. His family, your family, friends, co-workers. We can help you prepare the exposure letter. I'm not exagerating when I say exposure is CRITICAL to killing the affair. Once the affair is out in the open, you better believe the relationship is going to lose its appeal, and FAST. During this time you Plan A the heck out of him and avoid talking about your marriage or the affair until he RECOMMITS to your marriage.

I know exposure is scary, but YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING TO WARRANT HIM CHEATING. There is nothing for you to feel ashamed of or embarassed by. NOTHING! HE should feel terrible for his mistake.

So many other posters either avoided exposure, did too little exposure or did it too late and they regret their hesitation. So steel yourself for the inevitable so you are ready to do the right thing and get your husband back. We're all here rooting for you!

aBetterMe

So, I expose to everyone without telling him that I know? I thought I was supposed to tell him what I know, ask for/demand NC and then expose.