Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
#2428958 09/22/10 07:58 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
S
SallyS Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
Hi, My name is Sally and I am new to this site. I am looking to support and answers. My husband had an affair last christmas with an ex-fiance that he had not been in contact with for 23 years. He found her on facebook and they began communicating, well, one thing led to another and he took a "trip" to visit and old Navy buddy, who turned out to be his excuse, and spent 6 days out of state with "her". Now he clains that there was no sex, but admits to "sleeping" in the same bed with her. The long and the short is I still don't believe that it was not sexual, he continues to communicate with her and I am expected to "understand" that they are "just friends" and trust that nothing will ever again happen between them, but I just can't get past it. The knowledge ( which he doesn't share) that he still communicates with her keeps the affair like it just happened, I have good days and bad, but mostly I can't find a way to forget or forgive. So how do I find my way to peace ? I just want one day that it doesn't bother me , that I can look at my husband and believe that he loves me and still wants me ?

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Sally, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here. frown Your husband is still in an active affair. He is calling it a "friendship" to keep you off his back. They did sleep together when they met.

The problem is that he doesn't want to end his affair. And he won't unless something is done to stop it. We have several methods to help you stop this affair. I would ask the moderators to move this thread over to Surviving an Affair so the posters can help you. Just click on "notify" and ask the mod to move it for you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,738
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,738
Recovery can't begin until no-contact is established. Your husband is following the Wayward Script to the letter!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

Look at M.S.'s husband. Here he is, thousands of miles from his lover, and yet he still feels compelled to call her. Can you imagine the trouble M.S. would have had separating them if they had not moved? Their move was the best thing that could have happened to their marriage because it not only revealed the affair, but it also set up the conditions that would make ending it possible -- total separation.

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.

Last edited by Doormat_No_More; 09/22/10 01:10 PM.

Doormat_No_More
(Formerly Barnboy)
Original thread lost in the forum purge of '09.
4 months after D-Day
1 year after D-Day
Two Years Later
Four Years Later
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 375
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 375
Dear Sally,

You can not find peace before there will be no contact for life between affair partners. And you shouldn't. This is absolutely normal. And it is also very common that WS refuses to end contact and I guess you know pretty well, why. Why give away something "good"? Instead of it, lets try to convince others that there is no harm.

For bystanders, the excuses (like "just friends") are very lame but waywards will do anything to keep contact including making themselves complete fools for others. But for them, I guess, it is worth it.

So, how to solve that?

By making the affair more painful than the good he is getting from it. And for that, Marriage Builders give you the best tool you can get - exposure.

You see - what kind of joy is secret affair for you after everyone knows it and despise you?

And do not let them fool you - the affair is still very alive.

I hope you will read everything suggested above and move your thread to Surviving an Affair thread. You will get the best help in the world.


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 375
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 375
Sally, I read from another thread that you exposed to OW. But there is no point to expose the affair to waywards, they do already know!

Is OW married?


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by SallyS
Exposed in an understatement, and I've actually gone head to head with the "other woman". They both claim that they are "just friends" now and she protects what they "shared" by refusing to tell me her side of what happened. So basically I just get to imagine. When I try to ask more questions I get told that they are just friends and that is all. I guess I'm supposed to be satisfied with that, but I'm not. I want to know exactly what happened, not what I can read between the lines, and I want the contact to stop ! I can't seem to get this across to either, they just think I'm being over dramatic.

Exposure isn't intended for the waywards. You didn't 'expose' anything to them - they already know they're having an A. You need to compile a list of people who can put pressure on them to end the A. Those are the exposure targets.



D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Sally, is the OW married?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Sally - I don't want to throw a lot of stuff at you, but I'd suggest you print off all of OW's FB contacts before you lose access to her site. The chance is good that your H will "shut down" his FB site, then put it back up after he thinks he's convinced you that he's not on there. You'll probably need those contacts for exposure.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Sally sorry you are here, and I am hoping you are following the advise that these people are saying, it is crucial for your marriage, with out it you have no marriage.

Please keep reading and posting if you have any other questions.

Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
S
SallyS Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
No the OW is not married , she is widowed, and her adult son and my husband have formed a friendship also. THis includes facebook and sending jokes over the phone. The OW had this son by a previous marriage so my husband knew him as a child.

Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
S
SallyS Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
I have all the contacts, and the phone records. I have exposed him to his family and "our" friends. Our children and their friends and family know also, even his employer knows, but it doesn't stop. I deleted her from his fb account, and blocked her from his phone, but they found a way to stay in touch. He deletes everything from fb as soon as he reads it, but he has not realized that it also records on his hotmail acct, and I check it regularly. I don't want to but I cannot stop. When confronted he pulls the "didn't I tell you" or the favorite, "I don't call her or send her a message, but if she "pops" up then I will chat with her. After all they "will always be friends" ?!

Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 375
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 375
Have you read about plan B - I think it is time to prepare for that. Do not give away your source of intel (hotmail).

Did you expose to OW-s family (her son etc)?


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
S
SallyS Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
Ow took my husband to her family, proudly annoucing that they had rekindled their love from 23 years ago, only when he was forced to back off did her family get mad at him for leading her on. But she still contacts him and he still responds, laughing and talking about the past, and talking in code, if you know what I mean.

Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 375
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 375
Originally Posted by SallyS
But she still contacts him and he still responds, laughing and talking about the past, and talking in code, if you know what I mean.

Yes, I do know from personal experience what you mean.

This must stop otherwise it will destroy you. You have to demand no contact and if it still does not happen then remove yourself from the situation by plan B.

I'm sorry, the situation you are in must not last. It will lead to rekindling the full affair (if it is not already underground) or to some serious mental problems for you.

It is not normal although your WH tries to convince that all is ok and you just have to deal with it.

Please act.


Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 375
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 375
Have you read "My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me" by Anne, Brian & Danielle Bercht?

Anne's husband stopped the sexual side of the affair but continued to be "just friends". It leaded to ultimatum to stop contact of any kind. The ultimatum was eventually successful.

**edit***

Last edited by Fireproof; 09/24/10 06:39 AM. Reason: removing link to other website

Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by SallyS
Ow took my husband to her family, proudly annoucing that they had rekindled their love from 23 years ago, only when he was forced to back off did her family get mad at him for leading her on. But she still contacts him and he still responds, laughing and talking about the past, and talking in code, if you know what I mean.

Sally, I would plan to separate and go into Plan B. Get the book Surviving an Affair and bring yourself up to speed on the dynamics of the affair, and most especially Plan A and Plan B.

Start off by demanding that he end all contact with her and sending her a no contact letter. Tell him you are willing to stay in the marriage only if he will end contact for life and commit to a program of recovery. Otherwise, he needs to move out.

Dr Harley only recommends that women stay in Plan A for about 3 to 4 weeks because affairs are so damaging to your mental health. What are Plan A and Plan B?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
Sally,
I agree that your marriage won't have any kind of chance if your husband continues to contact or speak to the OW.....
I agree it's time to give your husband one last chance to save your marriage by committing to only you and never having contact again with the OW.....
If he continues to need her in his life in any way then he will need to move on with his life separate from you and your life.....
Tell him this is just to painful for you and that you won't accept another woman in your marriage or his life, tell him this is not love and not something that you are willing to tolerate........you wish him luck and move on with your life, go to a lawyer, set the ball rolling.....
Tell your children and family that this has been his decision and that you need to protect yourself from all the pain that this situation causes you.....
Keep yourself busy and just know you are making this decision because you really don't have a husband this way.......get the book that was suggest above and learn all you can about the marriage builders plan to save your marriage, it's tough to be strong like you need to be here, but he will do this forever if you let him, stand up for yourself........
good luck


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by SallyS
I have all the contacts, and the phone records. I have exposed him to his family and "our" friends. Our children and their friends and family know also, even his employer knows, but it doesn't stop. I deleted her from his fb account, and blocked her from his phone, but they found a way to stay in touch. He deletes everything from fb as soon as he reads it, but he has not realized that it also records on his hotmail acct, and I check it regularly. I don't want to but I cannot stop. When confronted he pulls the "didn't I tell you" or the favorite, "I don't call her or send her a message, but if she "pops" up then I will chat with her. After all they "will always be friends" ?!

Spouses don't keep 'friends' who are a threat to their M. After D-Day I found out that a male friend of my FWH knew about the A and didn't counsel him to end it. He is no friend of our marriage. My FWH no longer speaks with him.

The least your H should agree to is to longer be in contact with someone who presents a threat to your M.



D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
S
SallyS Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
Thank you all for the support. I guess I have known all along that I need to move on. I have a hard time giving ultimatums, and I have tried to accept and believe that he can be friends with the OW, however it has never worked for me and he cannot understand why I have a hard time dealing with her. She lives in Georgia and I in Iowa. My H says that he "is here" and that should be enough to show me that he wants our marriage to work, but the reality is that he has no-where else to go and I am a whimp. The night it all finally came to a head I asked him to leave, packed his bags, asked for his wedding ring, and then felt bad because he had no where to go. I ended up letting him stay and tryed to believe that I was making too much of the whole situation. I clung to the fact that he was here and she was there and that he couldn't run to her without major upheaval to his life. That was 9 months ago, and it haasn't gotten any easier for me. The fact that he won't "let her go" cannot continue to be a part of my life. I have told him this and he just refuses to "get it". I told him last night that I was done and that I was removing myself from the equation. It upset him, and as much as I don't want my marriage to end, he won't agree to not talk to her is she contacts him. Time for this nightmare to end. Financially I have things in order, I purchased my home and it is in my name only, same with my car, bank account, and all the bills. I guess I only have to take that last and final step, I just so don't want to believe that 17 years of a good marriage can end so swiftly, but the sad reality is that his needs have always been more important than mine. I am a giver and he a taker. God help me, I never thought I would be alone at 45 years of age, I actually believed the fairy tale of growing old and sitting on the porch together watching grandchildren play in the yard, I never thought he would cheat either?! Does this ever get easier?

Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Sally Please do not be afraid of Plan B, yes you are separating yourself from this pain that he is giving but do not give up on the marriage.

Plan B is to only help you keep that remaining love you have for your husband.

Have you got your plan B letter done? I know there is a thread for those who needs help on a plan B letter and what to write.

Just give him the letter and have him leave.

Do not worry about him OK?

This was his choice, he could have stayed and worked on the marriage but no he decided he wanted to keep in contact with the OW, and you can not sit there and watch your marriage fall apart. You are making the best decision FOR YOU! OK?

I will try to find that thread for a sample of a plan B letter.

When are you planing on giving it to him?

Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 33 guests, and 37 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,804
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5