Hi there, even though I am new to the forum, I have done a lot of reading on Dr.Harvey's topics.

I have been knowing a colleague for over e yera now and never thought of him as someone I could like,bceause married men are ''off limits'' according to me...I've grown to know him oevr this last year (e-mails, visits to office, text msg)and I kind of like him, but never thought about acting on that..

However, during my last visit of the breanch of our office a month ago (he lives/works in another town) there were events involving going out at night & he expressed how he wanted to take things ''further''....Of course, I refused and did not alow him to come to my room.There was no physical contact,but it was not easy to resist either.
Ever since I left, he's been offering to come pick me up to stay for the weekend in one of his appartments, or to come stay over in my town, but I have refused all the time...The thing is, even though I know all of this is wrong, I still like him and feel attracted to him & am scared I might fall for him. He calles me daily, texts me with 10-20msgs ( of course, I reply, of which I am guilty)...

He says his marriage is not good (but I know they all do whan they want to get someone into bed) but I feel trmendous guilt to be caught up in this situation.
I told him he should sort out his life and then call me if he still likes me. He says he's in love with me, but I am affraid he might be just infatuated and loves the thrill of the chase, i.e. the fact that i did not give in when tempted...

How do I get out of this mess...I tried to tell him no contact until he sorts himself out, but only lasted for 3 days after which he e-mailed and said he does not understand why can we not have reasonable conversations...
I said ok, we can have limited contacts as friends, but he should not tell me how he feels or push me to arrange to meet him.....I am just scared that this tactic iw wrong, as conversation leads to emotional bonding...
It doesn't help that I miss him, too if I don't hear from him for more than a day....
I know it's a stupid, childish mess and it's obvious what's the right thing to do, but it's easier said than done
Anyone been in this situation?

His name is Dr HARLEY, Anita.

Welcome to MB. I'm glad that you are here seeking help, rather than pursuing this affair.

What is your own situation? Are you married yourself? How old are you? Please give us details of your own situation.

Be honest with yourself, Anita. if you wanted this pursuit to end, you would have ended it.

You are flattered by the attention you are receiving. It boosts your ego and makes you think that you must be special. However, it shouldn't. This MM sees something in you that tells him that he will be able to buy you a few drinks, perhaps take you to dinner, send a few flattering emails and then use your body. He doesn't think highly of you if he thinks he can use you like that; he is banking on the hope that you are a woman with no self-respect who will settle for the scraps from under his wife's table. I hope that you are NOT that kind of woman. You are not a stray dog, or a cockroach, are you? They feed off other creatures' scraps. Is that kind of life what you want for yourself? Make a decision for yourself that you are not that kind of woman.

He is still with his wife because he knows she is precious, and he wants to maintain the love and care that she gives him. However, he wants a bit of free snatch, too, and he thinks you are the woman who will give him some. He doesn't respect you and you should find this insulting.

Your telling MM to "sort out his life and then call me if he still likes me" is not good enough. Are you encouraging him to divorce his wife? Do you think that is a moral thing to do? If he does leave her, would you really be happy entering a relationship with a man who could act like that?

This is much more than "a stupid childish mess". This is activity that risks breaking up a marriage and devastating a wife and child. You can easily stop yourself from crawling into that cesspit right now. All you need to do is find your self-respect.

Find out how to contact this man's wife and then write to her, explaining how her husband has been pursuing you. Offer to send her copies of the text messages and emails if she would like to see them. Promise to stay NC with her H.

At the same time, write to Human Resources and say that this colleague is giving you unwanted attention and you would like them to intervene.

Both those actions will stop this affair dead. It's really not hard.

Are you in Europe? I am in England.

Anita,
Be honest with yourself. Do you really want a relationship with a man who runs around behind his wife's back and cheats on her? Do not think you are special in the sense that he would cheat on his wife with you but then NOT cheat on you too. It doesn't work like that. If you allow this man to keep pursuing you, you will ultimately be back here complaining about how he cheated on you, but you may also have the added weight on your conscience of breaking up his marriage and harming his children.

Right now you are playing with fire by trying to allow him to still have "reasonable contact" with you. You know he is going to keep trying to get you into bed and if you let this go on, eventually he will succeed. If you actually want to stop this and are not just "blowing smoke", contact his wife. If you aren't strong enough to break the addiction to his attention on your own, enlist her help because she will watch him like a hawk after that. Contacting HR is another good idea from Sugarcane.

Don't you deserve more than to be the mistress of a would-be adulterer?

First of all,

Let me aploogize to Dr.Harley about getting the name wrong, I obviously read everything carefully, apart from the name. Thanks for the note.

Both Sugarcane and Unfettered, thanks a lot for your feedback, it helps a lot to confirm what I though about him and me, for that matter, in the first place.

Sugarcane, you said:

You are flattered by the attention you are receiving. It boosts your ego and makes you think that you must be special. However, it shouldn't. This MM sees something in you that tells him that he will be able to buy you a few drinks, perhaps take you to dinner, send a few flattering emails and then use your body. He doesn't think highly of you if he thinks he can use you like that; he is banking on the hope that you are a woman with no self-respect who will settle for the scraps from under his wife's table. I hope that you are NOT that kind of woman. You are not a stray dog, or a cockroach, are you? They feed off other creatures' scraps. Is that kind of life what you want for yourself? Make a decision for yourself that you are not that kind of woman.

I completely agree with all of the above. I told him that I am not that kind of a woman and that he should back-off! I refused him to kiss me or anything physical. However,even after I lef his town, he continued pursuing me even harder...Offered to drive to pick me up etc...This is where my guilt starts, probably. As you say, the fact that i am lonely has taken its toil - I am single, 33 and for a moment when he said he is in love with me and sees everything in me, I foolishly started to believe he might not just want to get me into bed and this is when I said he should sort his situation first and then come lookign after me.
I DID NOT, by any means, encourage him to leave his wife!!! I am not a person that could build happiness on someone's misery. Even when he tried to say disrespectful things about her in front of me, I told him to stop talking like that about the woman who is the mother of their 2 children, cleans, cooks for them and has a career. I even told him about this site and told him his wife might not be meeting one of his emotional needs and offered to send hm the link.
Of course I know I shouldn't be interefering in their marriage, but I am not perfect and I am trying to do what's right and best for everyone.
I admit I didn't want to lose the attention and this is my mistake that pulled me into this mess. I thought it would be ust harmless flirt, but I kind of started losing control.

I would like to make it clear ( and I also emphasized this to him) that I did not want him/ encourage him to leave the wife for me. I told him i will not allow him to use me as an excuse or a reason for his coward-like behaviour. I only said he should either stay with her and repair the marriage or divorce her first before he seduces other girls. I have been firm on this, but he seems to be obsessed with chasing me for a month now...luckily I am far, so the temptation was not so big.

I was trying to keep a balance between attention and ''the right thing''....However, as you say, it seems like I am getting too close to the fire i have been playing with.

When you mentioned HR and me calling his wife (I threathened once to do that) I must say i panicked. I panicked because I know I have a fair share of the guilt myself, so what would I tell them: ''I've been flirting with a married man and now he wants to get me into bed?''...Even calling his wife? What would I say? ''Oh, I've sent affectionate msgs back to your husband and now he wants to sleep with me''?

I am even embarassed to say what kind of affectionate msgs. I've sent him in moments of weakness....

Therefore these 2 things are not an option.
Instead, I will tell him to stop contacting me alltogether and seriouly threaten him that I'll resort to HR and his wife, if need be! I'll have to handle the shame, but I will do this before any other damage is done!

As I said, this must be happenning bcs I am 33 and single. I've never understood women who could be the other woman. I have even detested them, to be honest. I have single men showing me attention all the time, but I did not like any of them and to be fair, no one seemed as interested in me as this married guy. Now I know why!!! Obviously he knows what I need to hear!

I guess for a second I got carried away by his sweet-talk and affection. I was also fed-up of all ppl telling me I am too picky or too strict on men & that i just might be wrong that this guy is a cheater I believed him to be.


Thanks again for reminding me & reassuring me I had a good judgement call to refuse him to come here at least 10 times and to refuse him to kiss me when he was next to me...It was not easy, but at least I have proven to myself I am worth a good man..

It is exactly because of my strict/high standards that I am still single and not willing to settle for 2nd best (let alone second woman)

So, what do you think I should write in the e-mail tomorrow so that he backs off? I want him to take me seriously this time.

p.s. He is 36, has been married for 10 years and has 2 kids aged around 6 and 10.

Anita,

The two underlined statements contradict each other.

What is the point of threatening if "these 2 things are not an option"?

Hi, Anita. BTW, it's HarLey.

I 'kinda like' a lot of men that I work with in my job. I 'kinda like' a lot of women, too. Ooohhhh. You mean you kinda LIKE him. Anita, you are a big girl, right? I mean, you're not just some quivering nerve that is helplessly exposed to stimulation, correct? You've got a brain attached to your neck, I assume. Then you know that married men are OFF LIMITS for romance. You have identified that you will not accept this boundary. You have identified that you do not respect marriage, yourself, or the OM's wife. Why do you have no self-respect? Why would you do such a horrid, life-shattering thing to another woman? Do you realize that some betrayed wives have killed themselves after the A came to light, because of the horrific emotions that they have to deal with? Are you aware that many betrayeds have compared their spouse's A to rape or the death of a child, and have said the affair IS WORSE???? Is the temporary attention of a POS like OM worth the life sentence you are handing down to this woman??


Hooo boy, that's a knee-slapper, right there. Yep, every POS married man on the prowl for a little piece of strange has a bad marriage. My H had a 'bad marriage' when he was screwing around with the office secretary/skank. It was funny, in an unfunny way, how his marriage immediately improved the day I learned about the affair and he was begging me not to leave him!

Here's what you're not getting: there's nothing for him to sort out. It's all quite simple for him: he is married and intends to stay that way (or he would have been divorced and out of his 'bad' marriage by now.) He wants a little nooky, and you'll do. Very simple. Nothing to untangle, here.


Because he has indicated that he wants to get in your pants. That's when reasonable conversation time is over. Duh, OM.

Darn. Just when I thought you had a lick of sense. NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CONTACT 'AS FRIENDS' WITH A MARRIED MAN WHO WANTS TO GET IN YOUR PANTS! Look at your next statement and you'll see why:


Yeah, just about every wayward has been in your situation, Anita. They typically end up here, trying to save their M after the affair is found out by their spouse. We may get to meet your OM, after you screw around with him and his wife finds out. And she will, Anita. They always do. Then you get the fun of having to apologize to her, which, of course, does absolutely squat toward helping her heal from this terrible, life-destroying thing that you've done to her.

You want to end this? Here's how: block OM from your phone and email. Go through the withdrawal that you'll experience for a day or two.

If you really wanted to be a big girl, I would suggest that you inform OM's wife that you and OM have been involved in an emotional affair, and that he feels he loves you, based on little more than phone calls and text messages (which should tell you just how outlandish his claims of love are.) She needs to be warned so she knows what her husband is up to and she can keep an eye on him. Because you're not the only one he is chasing, Anita. You are NOT SPECIAL.

Make the right deision. You know what that is.

DId you read this advice from Dr Harley? It was written to a married woman on the brink of an affair.

The only parts that do not apply to you are about the damage you are doing to your own marriage (since you are not married). You need to adapt what is said and apply it to the damage you are doing to the innocent wife's marriage. you are just as responsible for what would happen to her as her H would be.

You are on the brink of an affair, and once you jump in, you may not be able to get yourself out before you have done untold damage to your family. (Here is where you must substitute "her family", Anita.) Sooner or later most affairs die out, but in their wake they leave unspeakable pain. Your husband (his wife) would rather have his hand cut off than go through the agony of your unfaithfulness to him. It is the most cruel decision you could possibly make. Avoid that choice at all costs...

First, you should avoid seeing the man at work altogether, and it will mean quitting your job. You are already addicted to him, and your emotions will control your decisions whenever you see each other. It won't be long before you have thought through a justification of your behavior, and then there will be no stopping you. You will lose all perspective and ruin your (her) marriage and family, to say nothing about intentionally hurting a man (a woman - the BW) who cares a great deal for you (for him and her children). Six months after your affair has started you will be so up to your eyeballs in guilt you will be contemplating suicide. Get this man out of your life at all costs!

Full article: Escaping the Jaws of Infidelity

He'll be different with you, you're special.
Author Unknown

You two have a "connection," a rapport that he didn't have with his wife. You have more things in common, similar personalities. He's pointed out all the ways that you two are so alike - it's just uncanny. You are so lucky to have met him at this point in your life. He says that he really appreciates you for who you are - and he's the first person to really do that, isn't he? Sure, he said the same things to *her* when he got together with her (and then grew to hate so many things about her), but it's different with you. He couldn't possibly be operating from scripts anymore. And it's so nice to finally have someone YOU can lean on, isn't it? It's hard being on your own, managing a household, and doing it all yourself. All of a sudden, here's this guy offering to help in ways that no one ever did. Knowing all the things you have been longing for and wanting in a partner. He couldn't possibly be hooking into your heart-felt desires and hurt places and pretending to be the answer, because he knows that's where you are vulnerable. He couldn't be pretending to like the things you like, and want the things you want, and be the person you have been looking for, because it's part of his patterns. Just because he did that with the women that came before you, doesn't mean he's doing that with you. He's really sincere this time.

He's told you all his deep dark secrets (at least, all the ones he thinks can win him sympathy and attention). He's acknowledged how he behaved badly in the past (even though it was brought out by who he was with). You two must have a very special connection for him to be so open and "honest". And he seems to be remorseful, so that must mean he won't do that kind of thing again, right? Not with you. You're special. So what if he told his wife the same kinds of deep, dark secrets, opened up in the same way? So what if he exhibited the same kind of remorse for things he did to partners before HER? So what if he told her all the same sob stories and pretended to be working on his [censored] with her? So what if he lied to his therapist and others? He really means it this time, with you.

He says things are going to be different with YOU. Even though he SAYS he accepts responsibility for his actions, he also says that it was really things in HER that brought out his bad behavior. He's not going to be like that with YOU. Sure, he said the same things to HER, but this time he'll be different, because he's told you how YOU are different from her. (So what if he's told other people how you remind him of HER? That doesn't mean he's following the same old patterns, targeting the same types of women. That doesn't mean that he'll be turn emotionally abusive with YOU at some point...) He's such a sweet, wonderful, helpful guy, it MUST have been something in HER that caused him to act badly, right?

So what if he was busy cutting her down behind her back with their mutual friends while he was telling her she was the "best thing that ever happened to him", and that he had "never loved anyone as much as he loved her"? That doesn't mean he still has the capacity to be manipulative and dishonest and cruel. He was just confused, the poor man. And besides, he won't be like that anymore, with the right woman to love him and dote on him. She just didn't give him the kind of attention he really needed. But YOU will. So he'd NEVER do that to YOU.

So what if he didn't leave his wife before he got together with you? It's not like an abuser should spend a few years in therapy, and work on his stuff before getting involved in another intimate relationship, right? I mean, after over 4 decades of emotional abuse and being an abuser, he can get himself fixed up enough to stop harming others in a just few months, with the right woman to rescue, er, "help" him.

And those stories of how his wife emotionally abandoned him... He's just had it so ROUGH all his life! He told you how she didn't even try to keep the marriage together or say that she wanted to try to salvage their relationship when he said he wanted to separate. She was just so unfeeling! The poor man - here he was trying so HARD and all - seeing a counselor and everything! It couldn't possibly be that SHE was so emotionally beaten down by his behavior that she was RELIEVED when he wanted to leave... He couldn't have been emotionally abusive and dishonest with HER too! If his wife didn't trust him, it had nothing to do with HIM and his behavior - it must have been HER issues.

Even if in his past, he DID say, "Some of the problems I bring about by vamping, pumping up the emotional content of a situation. Of course that's easy to do with a new friend. I have a stock of techniques and behaviors, tested. I'm also inventive ... so I pick up new techniques fairly quickly ... It's just I'd rather enjoy the "romance". It comes naturally to me. I enjoy doing it. It's also a head trip for me, with my poor self esteem, to have someone so taken with me. I like the first results, the joyous feelings, the elation, the euphoria, just not where it leads." ... he couldn't possibly still have been doing that with his wife, or even YOU. He has REAL, deep feelings for you. You've even seen him cry and show his vulnerable side. That MUST mean he's sincere, right? He couldn't possibly be using YOU for an ego stroke. Not the man YOU know.

He's just so caring and sensitive and considerate. He's so sweet, rubbing baby oil all over you, making love, sending you little cards, doing all those romantic things. He really does seem too good to be true - cooking, cleaning, intelligent, literate, creative, affectionate. So what if he was like that for the first year or so with her too... before the subtle patterns of abuse started to creep in? So what if all that "wonderful" behavior shifted until he was telling her he loved her one day and then telling others how horrible she was behind her back the next? He wouldn't do that to you too, down the road. She must have brought it out in him. He couldn't possibly be playing the same game over and over again, with you as the next target. No. This time, he'll be different, with you.

So what if he has been incapable of honesty and integrity all his life? So what if he actually admitted to his wife (just about the time you two started up again): "I am afraid of truth-tellers. I have so many lies in my past and present. The truth burns." That couldn't mean that he was telling lies to YOU. After all, he was so HONEST about his dishonesty so THAT'S got to count for something... It must mean he realizes his mistakes and won't make the same ones again, right? The fact that he acknowledges things is so CONVINCING. If he acknowledges it, then he couldn't possibly STILL do those sorts of things. Sure, sure. He had HER convinced too. But he couldn't possibly be STILL lying to YOU. You're special.

Yeah, sure, he might have done those kinds of things in the past, but the past is the past, right? It doesn't have any danger of repeating itself with you. Because you're special. His love for you is so strong and your connection to each other is so different (at least, that's what he has told you, and you know you can trust him, right?), he wouldn't EVER do anything deliberately hurtful or malicious to YOU. He wouldn't undermine YOUR support network and use your friends to hurt YOU. He'd never make snide remarks about YOU behind your back and then make sure you found out about it. No no no. She must have brought that out in him. But you, you're special.

Besides, he's been in therapy. That must mean he's sincere, right? He wouldn't possibly be using the whole "therapy" thing as a cover-up to make himself look better because his reputation got damaged after the fiasco with his wife. He couldn't possibly be using contrition, and the "I feel so bad about myself"-line to get sympathy and support! He couldn't possibly be going after women who have a strong sense of personal responsibility because he knows how to manipulate that to try and get them to feel responsible for HIS sick feelings. He couldn't possibly be seeking out active, intelligent, dedicated women, so that he can PUNISH them when they don't direct all that energy to HIM. Just because he has engaged in such manipulative behavior in the past doesn't mean he would be doing that NOW. Not with YOU. You're SPECIAL.

He's so contrite and sincere about "working on his issues", he couldn't possibly be lying about that. Just because he has a history pathological lying to himself and others, doesn't mean he'll be that way with you. Besides, if he has deceived himself so completely that HE doesn't know it's a lie, then he can't be held accountable for it, right? He can always claim that he doesn't have good "memory" for things in the past. But don't worry. He won't use that sort of deception and evasion with YOU. You're special.

The poor guy just made bad choices before (you). Sure he made mistakes, but if his ex doesn't want to have anything to do with him, and now think he is mentally ill, it must be because SHE is unstable - I mean, look at how amazing and kind and charming he is with you... He couldn't possibly have been like that with HER TOO... He wouldn't be using stock romance "lines" on YOU.
This time, it's REALLY love. You're Special.

Sure, he did a *few* things in his past that were unkind, but he needs to be forgiven for HIS behavior, (after all, she drove him to it), but HER mistakes and reactions to his emotional abuse, were unforgivable. But things will be different with you. He won't think YOUR mistakes are unforgivable. He won't apply a double-standard to YOU. He won't expect YOU to be perfect and subtely criticize you when you don't measure up to his standards. You're the one who is going to change his life.

And speaking of unforgivable, of COURSE he can't forgive her for doing things that *hurt* him (he's so deeply sensitive, you see) - but he couldn't possibly have lied about the things he said she did. He couldn't possibly have "set up" situations so he could cry foul... He wouldn't have ENCOURAGED her to do things so he could later claim that he was hurt by her... And, well, even if he DID, maybe do that, he certainly won't do it with YOU. You're too special for that. Any time he tells you he's happy for you and he encourages you to do something, he'll REALLY mean it, with YOU. He won't create a revisionist fantasy of your past so that he can insist you did things to hurt him as a justification for his cruelty to you. He won't secretly resent you for not devoting all your time to him. Even if he DID do that with her, he won't do it with you. Especially after he makes all those sacrifices for you. He won't secretly be dependent on YOU for all his attention. He won't be more demanding of you and your time and resent you when you don't give it all to him. Not THIS time. You're SPECIAL.

He's such a nice guy, he won't "help" you (especially unsolicited) and then have an unstated hidden agenda like he did with all the others. He's going to claim his right to be "selfish" now, because he's been so USED from all the excessive GIVING he did in the past that nobody really appreciated. The poor guy. He's never taken time to be selfish in the past - not even when he was sitting alone in his room, sucking off his hurts, or using other people. That wasn't selfish - that was just "acting out". But he's better now. Don't worry. He won't use his new-found right to be "selfish" against YOU. No. He really is a changed man, with you. With you he will give unconditionally.

It's no WONDER he behaved so badly! Look at how his wife was always hurting him, oppressing him with her refusal to live her life solely for him, expecting him to be honest with his feelings and actions, when he just wasn't ready. And besides, he just can't handle confrontation, you know? And like, she's just so SCARY when she's upset (it's just so unbeCOMing when women display any anger!) that he HAD to act that way. She actually raised her voice at times! Can you imagine? Nobody else is allowed to have anger and raise their voice except HIM. Because, like, he can't DEAL with it, and he shouldn't be expected to! He couldn't possibly have been projecting HIS issues on her so that someone else could have his anger FOR him, or so that he could get angry with someone other than himself! He couldn't possibly have been DELIBERATELY hitting all her hot buttons to hurt and upset her so he could lay blame. And, well, even if he DID do that for years, he won't do it anymore, with you.

And if somehow you accidentally do things that "trigger" his old abuse patterns, he'll be so sweet in telling you how you are doing things that remind him of her, so that YOU can change YOUR behavior. After all, you wouldn't want him to start acting emotionlly abusive again because of something YOU did.

And you don't have to worry about that, because you'll never get upset with him, and you'll never challenge him to be honest or to accept responsibility for his actions. SHE did that, and it was "controlling," but it'll be different with you, because you know better. And you won't need to worry about calling him on his behavior anyway, because he'll NEVER lie to YOU. He'll always be completely honest and upfront with you. He won't have to "forget" any promises he made to YOU. If he is inconsiderate, it won't be DELIBERATE, with you. If he lied to her or anyone else, it was because they drove him to it. With you, he won't withhold information, or distort or omitt the truth. He won't break fundamental relationship agreements with YOU. He won't HAVE to, because you'll be right there validating him 24/7, supporting him and telling him how he's so CLEVER and BRAVE to have escaped such a horrible relationship, and how wonderful it is that he is working so HARD to overcome his terrible past!

And it's a good thing he's not going to do any of those things he might have done in the past, because then you won't have to worry about forgiving him. You see, she REPEATEDLY forgave him for the lies and the accidentally-on-purpose "mistakes", and all that did was make him feel bad about himself - that she could forgive and he couldn't. Wasn't that AWFUL of her to make him feel so bad that way? So she DESERVED to be punished even more. And she should NEVER have shown any guilt when he manipulated her. It just caused him to hurt her more. He told her it was "like blood in the water for sharks" for him. She should have known better. YOU know better. But then, he won't be manipulative and passive-aggressive with YOU. He'll be different with you. You're SPECIAL.

And sure he made her work at the relationship when he wasn't really trying, but that wasn't being dishonest - he just didn't know what he really wanted, so that made it OK to put the burden of the relationship responsibility on her. Sure he admitted that he wanted her to make him the first priority in HER life, but he wasn't willing to afford her the same consideration. But that wasn't one of his patterns. He won't do that with YOU. Besides, he admitted his dishonest behavior after he abandon her, so that makes it ok. It erases everything. His slate's clean. He even said he was sorry, months later, so that shows how sincere he was. He couldn't possibly still have been interlacing the apology with blame. He's not STILL acting manipulative and projecting issues.... and well, if he is, he's only doing that with HER because of their history - he wouldn't do that with YOU.

And it's so sweet how he still talks about how much he cared for his wife, how much he did for her out of love. Sometimes, he even talks fondly of his treasured memories of her, of how she "helped" him (when she wasn't hurting him, the witch) - that must mean he's a deep, sensitive guy, right? Maybe you can even "help" him to forgive her and heal from his terrible past... Just like SHE thought she could "help" him.

And besides, he did so many NICE things for her and all those other women. That should count for SOMETHING, right? It's not like he was emotionally abusive or manipulative ALL the time. So it kind of cancels things out, right? It's not like he HIT anyone or anything. At least the things he did didn't leave any VISIBLE marks. Besides, he probably just made honest mistakes, that's all. He couldn't have actually got off on seeing them hurt and crying. He wouldn't have LAUGHED condescendingly in someone's face while she was crying. Not the man YOU are involved with. HE certainly doesn't remember doing anything like that - and HIS memory is inviolate.

He's told you how different he feels with YOU. How different he IS with you. How healing your love is. How much he NEEDS you. What a wonderful person he thinks you are. How important you are in his life. How much he values and appreciates you, and misses you when you are not together. How amazingly transformed he feels now that he has finally met someone as SPECIAL as YOU. So what if he told her the same things? He really MEANS it this time, with you. He's a changed person, (this time, for REAL) with you. You're special.

You don't need to talk to any of his ex's to find out what he was REALLY like, because the past is the past, right? You couldn't possibly learn anything from their experiences, because he's not going to be like that anymore. It couldn't possibly be that they have anything valid to say. Besides, you trust him to tell you the WHOLE TRUTH about his past (as far as he can "remember" it), right?

And he's such a sensitive, caring guy, he REALLY does wish he and his wife could be FRIENDS now. He can't understand why she would have NO desire to have any contact with him, NO desire to have anything to do with him - after all he did for her, after what they had. After all, SHE is the one who did unforgivable things. He's so uncomfortable around her now, because of how much she hurt him. He wouldn't STILL be projecting HIS issues on her, and implying that they are HER issues... After all, he's a changed man.

But you don't have to worry. He won't PUBLICLY divulge YOUR insecurities or deeply intimate things you told him in confidence to other women - he won't betray your trust - like he did with her. No matter what happens between you and him, you'll ALWAYS BE FRIENDS. You and he will always be able to work things out. So what if he said EXACTLY THE SAME THING TO HER (and all the others) too? It'll be different with you. You're special.

He won't wait a year or two before he starts in on YOU. He won't then use his knowledge of YOUR insecurities and emotional hot buttons to deliberately hurt YOU. He won't start using psychological warfare to couch his deliberately hurtful actions in social plausibility with YOU. He won't flirt with your close friends and use any attraction they might have to him, against YOU. NO. He won't tell you that you just weren't meeting his needs or living up to his expectations. He won't expect you to read his mind. He won't try to make it look like YOU are the reason he is unhappy, and YOU are the cause of your relationship problems. He won't set you up to get upset with him so that YOU are the one who breaks it off with him, (or you get so angry with him that he HAS to break it off with YOU) and HE looks like a martyr (AGAIN). So what if he made all the same promises to her? Just because he was following some of his old patterns when he got involved with you, doesn't mean he's going to follow through on the rest of them. He's CHANGED now.

You're special. Just like SHE was when he was with HER. Just like they ALL thought they were.

YOU are the one who can "fix" his wounded ego. Your relationship with him will be So Much Better than his last ones, because you're special! With you, he'll be honest and straight-forward for the first time in his life. He won't become cruel or passive-aggressive. He won't play headgames anymore. He'll stop using and discarding people like old kleenex. He won't be rude or unkind or disrespectful like he was with those other women. HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH, HE'S NOW A CHANGED MAN. (Changed for the better, of course.) Not because of therapy. Not because he's removed himself from relationships and taken some serious time to get his [censored] together. Not because he's done any REAL work. Not because he's actually admitted to his real motivations, or made a single sincere change.

He just needed to find the RIGHT woman to "save" him from himself and "help" him become a better man, and that's YOU.

You just KNOW he'll be different with you. Right?

Wow, Marital bliss, I definitely didn't see that one coming...

You are very harsh I must say...but I understand and accept your tone of voice as it seems to help me most! It's like a wake-up call!
At least I know what I look like to the outisde world, especially how i would look like to his wife if she finds out.

In my head, I am still the honest/good person that DID NOT act on whatever wrong/false feelings I might have had, but I will do a reality check.
I only thought that maybe I deserve just a little bit of credit for not acting physycally, but I guess i was wrong...

It is humiliating enough to be drawn up to this kind of an emotional affar, so please don't make me feel like the ultimate [censored]...:(
I already blame myself enough for it and I am willing to take responsibility for my mistake...

I now feel I can stop replying to his mesgs,calls and e-mails alltogether.

My only question is whether you think I have to tell his wife? Is it not hypocritical to first enjoy her husband's msgs and then all of a sudden - I think of what's best for her?

Is it really my responsibility to be telling her or is it his responsibility? Maybe she does not want to know, or maybe she knows about him cheating before, but pretends not to see? Is it really for me to interfere?

I'd rather stop everything, disappear from his life and mind my own business...

Anita. If you were in her position, would you want to know your H was messing around? That he cared so little for you and your M, that he had zero boundaries and/or desire to protect them, that he would jeopardize all you two had created just to get a little somethin' somethin'?

You absolutely have a moral obligation to tell her. Sure, you're a participant in her H's wayward ways; however, you are (hopefully) seeing the error in that, and I hope you realize that you are now privy to information that she has every right (more right than you, in fact) to know. THIS IS HER LIFE.

Sure, she may know of her H's cheatin' ways. Sure, she may not want to be bothered. However, I am 99.9% sure neither of those is true, especially the latter.

And if a moral obligation doesn't ring true to you, think of it practically. Her H goes out, sleeps around, gets an STD. He brings it home to his unsuspecting, trusting wife.

Or her H fathers a child with his affair partner.

Or her H files for divorce, leaving her and her children without a second thought.

Affairs ruin lives. Even if you and her H didn't do anything physical, she deserves to be warned of her H's destructive behavior. She deserves to have a chance to build a M of care and protection, to recover and have her WH get right. She does NOT deserve to be blindsided further on down the line when her WH gives her HIV, knocks up his OW, ditches the family...or all of the above.

I've read all of it...I've read other forums and articles, too... I just needed to be ancouraged & helped in my determination to end this addiction...

I had doubts as to how nasty this can end, but your replies have definitely sobered me up.

I can stop replying to his calls,e-mails texts with no problem.

Thanks a lot

Hi MRs Vanilla,

I guess you are right...the only problem is I have once had a similar situation.
My close friend's boyfriend had my e-mail because I was translating some documents for him.My friend knew I was doing this for him and that he had my e-mail. The translated documents was the only exchange of e-mail I ever had with him.

Shortly after that, I found out he was having dirty talks with some lady online and accidentaly he had forwarded a very explicit e-mail of corespondence with his mistress to me.

Of course, I told my friend about this immediately and showed her the e-mail. Not only did she not do anything about it, but she also stopped being close to me....and started avoiding me

Anita, it's hard to express things when it's an 'impersonal' website. If you were here, sitting across from me, I would be hugging you and telling you the same things. But you would hear them much differently.

My words are harsh, I admit that. But what's happening with you and OM is harsh, with an outcome that you cannot imagine until you've gone through it yourself. I'm giving these words to you as a form of a wake-up for you, so you don't have to go through the outcome. My goal is for you to say what you said above, that I put in bold.

I do give you great credit for coming here when you did. We've had a lot of waywards come here after the fact, and the damage they've done to themselves is great. You've saved yourself a lot of heartache. That is my wish for you.

Anita,
Those are all just justifications to not tell his wife. But understand that they aren't for anyone's benefit but yours. You aren't keeping her in the dark for any reason other than you don't want to face what you almost did. If you actually did take responsibility for an emotional affair with a married man, you'd tell his wife as part of your atonement.

But to put it in terms you might understand. You have already told us that you haven't been strong enough to stop this on your own. If you don't change the dynamic, eventually he is going to talk you into rationalizing this and before you know it, this will be a physical affair. I cannot tell you how many people come to this board saying they never meant to have a physical affair and don't know how it happened.

I'd contact his wife and tell her that you got caught up in the flattery and courting that her husband was giving you and you want to extricate yourself from the situation because its WRONG. Tell her that nothing other than some suggestive texting and emailing has occurred, but you are deeply sorry for your involvement in this. Tell her that you are notifying her because she has a right to know and because you haven't been strong enough to end all contact with him. End with apologizing again for playing this role of an interloper.

After that, you won't have to worry about him pursuing you any more and you won't have to worry that you'll be back here in a few weeks apologizing for a sleeping with a married man.

Anita, I would like to disabuse you of any hesitation you have about informing his wife and HR. This man has treated you despicably. Every time he comes to you, he is insulting you by implying you are a cheap ho who would hop in bed with a married man.

Any married man who comes onto another woman has done nothing more than spit in her face. It is not a compliment, but an announcement that he thinks you are a SKANK. I don't believe you are a skank or you would have already hopped into bed with him.

It is an illusion that he "loves" you, because he if he did he wouldn't be degrading you in this way. And just imagine what his "lurve" will get you? See what it got his wife?

This guy is a scumbag but you can help him be a better man by printing up the emails he sent you and dropping them off to his wife. She doesn't know about the problem in her marriage and doing this will give her an opportunity to save her marriage.

You are in possession of information vital to this woman's very existence. Please re-read the first page of posts to you here, as well as any of a number of betrayed spouse's threads on this forum. Do you still not understand the consequences of infidelity?

You are putting your own feelings first.

How she handles the information is her choice.

Do you really want to live your life as one who covered up adultery? One who had such a selfish concern for her own feelings and running away from the problem that she couldn't tell? One who was too scared and couldn't be bothered to own up to her role in this and at least do the victim the very basic courtesy of warning her?

Thanks I feel better now...for a moment i thought I was being hated by the whole world...I don't know what I was thinking to let myself get this deep!!!!

I was raised to be better & if my family knew they would kick my stupid ar*se!!! I have always lived my life by the policy ''Don't do to the others what you don't want to be done to youself''

And I think this very pronciple was the only one that stopped me from going any further. I was not even worried about the consequences i would suffer...I was constantly thinking of how horrible would that be for his wife and children....

I guess I have turned for help to the right people
xxx

Anita, this is good advice. You said you have not been strong enough to end all contact with him. Moreover, as a previous poster mentioned, you have left the door open for him: e.g., "if you leave your wife, then I will..."

Remove the option. Take the temptation away from you. Tell the BW, block all contact, do whatever you have to do.

\
Anita, I applaud you for doing the right thing! I would strongly suggest you do it again in this situation.

She may or may not be grateful, but you will be doing the right thing. It is always right to warn someone when they are being harmed behind their back. It is the decent thing to do.