Welcome to the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum
This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
(((((Hope)))) I haven't been on much lately because my work blocked MB! (So I brought my laptop and my own connection to work). Anyways, just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and I'll be around on FB this weekend if you need me.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage ********************* “In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
(((((Hope)))) I haven't been on much lately because my work blocked MB! (So I brought my laptop and my own connection to work). Anyways, just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and I'll be around on FB this weekend if you need me.
Sorry PM but this made me LMAO....Did they really just block MB... ...You naughty girl.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B
It must be working because I am doing well today. No tears or depression. Maybe it will change on 10-10-10 affairage day. Maybe they are getting married at 10 am?
Keep having the thought that this is "the beginning of the end" for them.
Coming back facing bankruptcy, no R with his DDs, being a renter in her house, gaining so much weight and drinking drinking.
Remember Animal House. This is the toast I would give on Sunday...
"Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son." ...Dean Vernon Wormer
I asked myself why wouldn't PP be worried how bad he looks or about his finances or about his health...why should she. That is the difference between a loving wife and the OW.
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years D17, D30 alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08 Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also) H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08 Plan B 1/09 D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
I asked myself why wouldn't PP be worried how bad he looks or about his finances or about his health...why should she. That is the difference between a loving wife and the OW.
Exactly.....They are all so selfish that they only think of themselves...They are incapable of thinking of anyone else.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B
"Loving" wife versus "selfish" OW. Just the topic Crefflo Dollar preached on this week. I'm telling you -- this minister is SPOT on with his message.
GOD Love Faith Kingdom of God (the Word) Life cycle Health, prosperity, deliverance Eternal life with God
satan selfishness fear The world's system death cycle sickness, poverty, bondage death, hell
Selfishness gives birth to fear. Need to get away from WHO is feeding your mindset.
I'm sure you can find his message under World Changer's Church or on Youtube. His message this past week has been on restoring Godly families. He is of MB mind regarding infidelity and the anatomy of affairs. He has a wonderful segment on "change." It can happen. It DOES happen. But it has to happen in the mind first. And it has to start with God.
Sorry I didn't provide a link but it's so worth it to find his website and watch him.
Hope, I don't post often but I do read your thread every day. I understand that you are facing one of the hardest days of your life. I have been thinking of you all weekend and will continue until I'm sure you are ok, even though you are so strong. Even your MB name - Hope- gives s and I know you will get through this.
I really just want you move past these trials. I know it feels impossible, especially because you work with XH and OW, but I want you to move past them. You are such a special person. I can't begin to describe how much you have inspired me. Please, know that you have and that I wouldn't be where I was today if it weren't for you.
You are so strong. Your DD's see it. We at MB see it. Even the lurkers who never post see it. You are amazing. I want you to know that because this weekend is testing that very strength but we know that you will prevail. We are with you.
I wish I could pray for you. But I'm not religious and it wouldn't be sincere and you deserve my sincerety. So please accept my thoughts and my love. They are with you right now. It's not much comfort, I know, but it's all I have and I wish it all for you. You are very, very special to me, whether you know it or not. Your inspiration has pulled me through more than one crisis during this journey.
Hope, please feel peace today and tomorrow and always. I will gladly carry your pain for you, cry for you and mourn for you so you can have a day of rest. Please accept this as my Thanksgiving (Canadian) gift to you. I mean this.
Praying for you too. And the affairiage WILL not last. Fwiw, my ex married the ow the DAY AFTER our D was final.
He actually (lame I know) attempted to ask me out on a date during affairage year two, but me being the woman I am (plus I was totally out of any residual feelings for him at that point) totally refused him and told him I "didn't date married men". Lol! And your xh will do the same as the affairs always die. Always. And an affairage is the same. Just somewhat sorta legal somehow. Should be a law against it!
My ex married her on the first day after New Years' Day when the court was open. Married at courthouse. Fun huh? No white dress, no huge reception, no excitement. Nada. Zilch.
It's not pretty in an affairage. You have tons of baggage you didn't process, you stuff down all the real love you harbor for your betrayed spouse somewhere inside, and all of that "stuff" the waywards DON'T deal with just spews out like a volcano on a timer. It is not a matter of if it is going to happen, but when.
Like a dumb, idiotic, stupid train wreck that you watch from a distance. Just let the affairees have it to themselves. Let them "own it". When people ask why you divorce tell the truth. My ex said it was because we didn't get along. I told the truth. I'd say "Sure we didn't get along. He was HAVING AN AFFAIR. That kinda causes you to not get along doesn't it?"
They bend truth, spin tales worthy of a bestseller novel. And most importantly, rewrite history to make their affairs justified simply because the truth is far too painful and makes them look bad (something waywards HATE). It's all about their ego. And truth doesn't sit well with the ego of a wayward. Please remember that. Kinda like a vampire and garlic.
Anyhow, toast yourself. I suggest you do as I did, and have a 10/10/10 "the perfect date for a perfect party for a perfectly gorgeous single woman" night. I remember what I did on the first new years' eve single (day or two before he married the ow). I got glammed out. Went to a high profile new years' party and somehow wrangled my way into getting snapped in a photo which was placed in a large local magazine in the social/parties section. Need I say I wore a hotter than hot dress, looked amazing? YOU do that too tomorrow. And get seen and get the word out.
Anothe thing I did was send out instead of a Christmas card, a "happy new year" card to everybody (including the ex and his friends from his firm) showing me in the photo. I wanted to flaunt my fabulousness and my SINGLENESS in his face.
You see, the irony in this is only YOU are the single one in the divorce. Only you have the freedom to actually when you feel like it to date around and have fun. He's already tied down to a less than desirable person, one who would lower their standards to cheat. One who agreed it's ok to rip apart a marriage and family. YOU are the only one with a FUTURE!
That was how I saw it anyway. I was the hot commodity, he was the loser. Oh and on NYE, I had the band play my theme song and my friends requested it at the stroke of midnight. Feel free to borrow my divorce renewal song ok? "It's My Life" (version by No Doubt).
YOU can run around and act wayward. Go out and date single guys when you feel like it. He's got a ball and chain. Laugh at him.
And you're right. Their days are numbered. My ex told me when he asked me out he "hated seeing me run around (which I didn't) and date around and that he messed up. That he missed his family". I told him I didn't date married guys, and that he had a baby and a new otherwomanwife (what I called her to degrade her position and give him a bit of truth at same time).
My ex and the otherwomanwife are divorcing now. She filed a few weeks ago. I would say it's sad, but it was foretold in their beginning you know?
Revel in your new life, you're perfect. A perfect 10 as I see it. Flaunt it. Live it. After all, you're the only one with a real future now.
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
Wow, Peachy. What you said to Hope -- WOW. You are just the veteran Hope needs to hear from... heck, we ALL need to hear from. I'm going to keep rereading your post as though it was written to me. Life lessons are the best teachers.
My ExH M'd OW almost a year after our D. He kept the M a secret. Never even told my DS. I actually found out by accident 4 mos. after they married. ExH would remove his wedding ring when he came to take DS for visitation. Twisted huh? They had a baby the following year.
I was devastated. That was my worst mightmare come true, and then the new baby to boot, when I so wanted more kids and ExH told me no, he was too old.
But somehow I got through. IC helped me. And realizing that all the tears and wishes of it not happening, wasn't going to change a thing. Just hold me back from living.
Peachy is so right. We are the ones who are single and can pick and choose who we want, when we want. They are stuck with cheaters.
My ex WH also had a baby 3 mos after marrying the ow so I understand the pain of it cat. The baby was ironically due on my birthday. Luckily that didn't happen either.
Also, my ex never would wear his affairage ring either. He would slip it off before being in front of me. On some level they do know they are doing wrong. Also he hid his hospital band on his wrist (what you have to wear to visit your baby in the hospital) because he didn't want me to see it during a dropoff for visitation.
Oh yea. My ex named the baby the SAME NAME, A-------- that I had picked out for a girl name. How sick is that?
But I lived and moved on and loved. And had a blast somehow during all of it. HE and the OW are the losers. Cheaters who are dumb enough to marry their cheating scumbag partners get what they deserve. Future ain't bright. Affairages are built on quicksand and over time they sink slowly a little bit each day.
Imagine. You're out with new couple friends and they are getting to know you both. Affair couples always have to meet new friends b/c old friends usually frown on them yanno.
They're all talking, laughing, and then the new friends ASK the affairees how did they meet. Granted, they both come up with lies to say and both are eloquent in how they play it, but imagine the GUILT they feel on some level in meeting people and the simple, the SIMPLE question of how did you meet comes up. There is always some level of pain, angst, and guilt. It lives with them each day. They breathe it. They eat it. They sleep with it at night. And over time it overcomes their sham of a relationship.
Last edited by peachyisback; 10/09/1009:18 PM.
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
How horrible him naming the child the same name. Thank goodness ExH didn't do that. ExH was to pick up my DS for visitation the day OW went into labor, so he called here telling me he couldn't take him as he was in the hospital and the whole time I could hear the prenatal monitor beeping. That was tough. Oh did I mention OW is 17 yrs. younger than ExH?!
ExH has no problem wearing the ring now. He actually makes sure I see it if I am ever around him, which I try not to be.
He seems happy. ExH, OW, new baby and my DS all go out to dinner etc, when ExH has DS for visitation, like they are one big happy family. I hate that and I know it is very hard on my DS, but he keeps it all in. He's the same age as your DS.
But I do agree that they spin it to others so it doesn't seem so bad. I know he's told people that he met OW through work, which he did, but she had nothing to do with our M demise. M was already over...
They do have to live with the lies and I guess for some it doesn't bother them. He's a well respected person at his job. I thought the A would hurt his image, but he actually got a promotion! Go figure.
It still hurts at times knowing he's in a relationship and I'm still going through it all. Thought I finally found happiness but that's another thread!
I keep telling myself that good things come to those who wait...just wish it would hurry up!!
Just checking in and even with the weekend I appreciate the MB gang checking in on me.
Tabby I had a little tear in my eye by your kind words, strangers that I wouldn't recognize in the street are the kindred spirits to me during these dark days.
Went to a BBQ tonight and guess what I had fun. There was a couple with a little baby and I got such a kick out of dancing around the kitchen with her.
Have not cried today at all. Not once. When I left the BBQ I looked up at the beautiful clear sky and the stars were shining and I felt sad that XH was missing the view.
He has the lights of Vegas, bright and flashing and not real. It is all a facade that he has created.
Peachy so true about explaining to people "how did we meet". My DDs loved to hear about how XH and myself met when I was on vacation in his country and how he came up to me in a pub and started talking. Within a year we were married.
What kind of story can they say. Oh, he was my married boss and we had an affair. How romantic for rutting pigs.
One couple that are are in Vegas my XH could not stand the the wife and hated the husband and thought he was obnoxious and now they are good friends of OW and XH. Guess they will accept anyone as friends as long as they accept their situation.
After tomorrow my XH will have a new wife. It feels weird but I feel it is the beginning of the end.
DD and me have plans to go to church, lunch and then a comedy movie. I am blessed.
My biggest challenge will be seeing OW gloating at work but I know she is pond scum. Why should she feel so special. Obviously marriage means nothing to each of them since they both treated our marriage so bad why should it be different for them.
"For God didn�t give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control."
I appreciate your support.
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years D17, D30 alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08 Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also) H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08 Plan B 1/09 D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
Be still and know that He is God Be still and know that He is holy Be still, O restless soul of mine Bow before the Prince of peace Let the noise and clamor cease
Be still and know that He is God Be still and know that He is faithful Consider all that He has done Stand in awe and be amazed And know that He will never change Be still
Be still, and know that He is God Be still, and know that He is God Be still, and know that He is God
Be still; Be speechless
Be still and know that He is God Be still and know He is our Father Come rest your head upon His breast Listen to the rhythm of His unfailing heart of love Beating for His little ones Calling each of us to come Be still, Be still
Hope, just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you today. I am also thinking about PP. Of course, those thoughts are that I hope she falls on her plastic face and breaks her nose. What lovely wedding pics that would make.
(((((Hope)))))
Know that you are so much better than the pond scum and your XWH is a loser for not seeing it. Maybe he did and realized that he wasn't good enough. Take care.
Reality will hit him square in the jaw. He will wake up and realize that YOU were his rock in life. You kept him grounded. He's on the wrong end spiritually, morally, financially, physically, emotionally -- and any of the other "...allys" out there.
YOU were the best part of him, not the other way around.
HE is crumbling because YOU are not there for him.
Stupid waywards -- especially those in long term marriages -- just seem to "forget" that their lives were pretty damn good and drama free before the affair. Sure -- they can blame us all they want because it's convenient to do that AND we aren't around to defend ourselves.
But in the dead of night -- when he's lying in bed and wondering where/when his life started heading south -- it should eventually dawn on him.
Yes Hope, today is the first day of the WORST of their lives.
I have knowledge it will be. It happened to my ex H. He swore up and down (oh how I remember this) that he was soooo happy, I was bitter, that she was prettier than I was (we're a 180 from each other;she an uneducated brunette model myself an attractive well-educated blonde), and how he was marrying for the last time.
Their "happiness" didn't last long as he began cheating on her immediately. He never did find that happiness. She really however, did try w/their marriage. Sad I know. But when it is written in God's book to not tear a marraige asunder, and the waywards and the op DO that, it is not a blessed union. It cannot be. Negative energy begins their marriage (even if you don't believe in God, but I sure do) and that same negative energy will destroy it.
Her wedding day is like Vegas. A sham. A bet. A bad gamble and the house always wins. YOU are the house.
I do know that he will think of you today and remember another time in his life. You will hurt, but do as I said...do something FABULOUS for you today as you are the only one truly free today. He has a ball and chain to an adulteress. Not pretty.
Wanna know something funny? About three and a half years after my divorce, when I was least expecting to meet somebody, on a whim I got dressed up to meet some girlfriends out for dinner. That was the night I met my DH. I felt ok to go on and I had no residual issues keeping me from moving forward with him. The waywards? Oh they will always have an issue with this or that and their past of how they became a we.
When I married my DH this summer on the beach, there were no memories of my old past. Of my ex H. None of it. I had joy, real joy, a different joy than before. But I was so happy. God had truly healed my life and allowed more joy and love than I thought I'd ever get, and my beloved child was at our sides as we married.
You will have this again in time. Right now, TODAY is not about them. IT IS ABOUT YOU. YOU and your BELOVED KIDS. Move, run, laugh, play, and realize your family is a perfect 10 all around as it is NOW. God is moving in your life and healing you as of this very second. Allow Him to move and heal in your life.
Don't focus on the fake facade of the vegas affairage. It is just that. Carefully placed sets to mimic a larger than life, glitzy reality. Like a 2d movie set. It only looks real at a distance. You have reality. They have fake.
And you have DIGNITY, real peace, and a real future and a chance to love again when your heart is healed again.
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
(So I brought my laptop and my own connection to work). Anyways, just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and I'll be around on FB this weekend if you need me.
Sorry PM but this made me LMAO....Did they really just block MB... 
........you've been on my mind and in my prayers this week.......Not