nw,


You are now at the six month mark. It is not unusual to have a lot of anger right now. Pretty typical pattern.

What bothers me about your recovery though is that your posts and thoughts really haven't changed over time. Your feelings toward him don't look to be moving much. I've looked at how your thoughts are processing, and you are thinking much the same way as you were when you first came:

disgust at what he has done

fear that you were not enough for him

uncertainty that he will repeat once you feel like things are "normal" again

death of any previous attraction toward him which now looks like is moving toward emotional indifference toward him



I am concerned that the two of you are not working on a program together that is meeting any of your emotional needs. It appears to me that he is looking at what he needs, and making moves to get his needs filled, but that your needs are not being met.

Go back to the basics, fill out the emotional needs questionnaire again, and figure out what YOU are not getting from him.


Also, you need professional guidance. Call or email the Harleys.

it will take time but you will heal from this. Thoughts of the A will eventually fade. I hope you are okay just keep posting.

These questions (about SA and recovery/relapse) may be better answered by a professional who deals in that field.

I harldy know of any addict who can (just up and) say "I'm done!" and it is over... but I don't really know that many.

I can not even begin to tell you what you should do. You have pointed out some serious questions/consequences that are more layered than the typical A.

I know you love your H. You can tell by reading the angst in your posts.
That being said.....

I agree with SB post above, at some point you are going to have to chose your path.

Well here I am again, lost dazed and confused. I found out he had a fake facebook profile and a fake email set up, and had been chatting and sharing pics with local girls, He sent me a friend request, supposedly to spy on me and see if I would cheat. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT DUMB [censored]. He cheated and he doesnt trust me. What the @%$@^& arrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Then when I checked the messages on the email side, he had the nerve to say he was trying to create a believable history, like I am an idiot or something. If that was the case then he would have just stayed on fb, but he was talking to a local girl on the email, so they could send pics, cuz he wasnt allowed to get them on the coumputer he was on. Even when he was busted, he is still lying straight to my face not admitting what he has done. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo lost. I want to walk out, right now, but I cant I refuse to sweep my daughter up in a big mess in the middle of the school year. I just dont know how I am going to pull off over 6 months of playing happy family till I get things in order. makes me sick. Im so sad(

IMO, it would be far better for your DD to go through her parents separating than to watch her mom slowly go crazy. And you would, if you try to grit your teeth and play nice for so long.

Mr. Nave needs to move out now. You need to enlist the support of whatever family and friends you need to go to Plan B now. Today.

You don't have to make the decision whether to D or not right away. That can come later after you are NC with him for a while, and have some space to clear your head and begin to heal. You deserve that.

This latest incident cannot be minimized in any way. It was an assault on your M, and an assault on you personally. You will suffer terrible effects if you do not protect yourself immediately from his abuse. Your DD needs at least one sane parent, but you will not even give her that if you attempt to stay together at this point.

Separation does not automatically mean divorce. Your (fully justified) resentment may be more than you can overcome, but that's a question for another day. Get into Plan B, and get some peace for yourself.

How can we help you make this happen?

I am so sorry you are going through this.

My parents became separated in the middle of a school year when I was a boy. It was traumatic, but ultimately it became helpful when I also became separated from the damaging parent.

Your husband is obviously not acting in a way that is taking care of you. This is terrible not only for you but also for your daughter. I beg you to get him out of your lives immediately, for now. Even if you have to pull your daughter out of school to do it.

Please, your daughter is in a big mess now. You need to save her.

navewife,

Get out TODAY. He has broken your trust again. You will not survive this if you stay.

Your daughter is only 6. It is not like she is in high school. Make it an adventure for her. Show her strength not fear.

Go to your family and let him fall hard.

I totally agree. He is way, way sicker than you knew (and that was bad enough) and is long past the point where you can help him. He is an addict and he is drowning and he will only pull you and your daughter down with him.

Get him out today. Get your finances in order - open a new bank account that only you have access to and keep enough money there to run household and care for you and your daughter - and get him out.

He's going to have to clean up his own mess. You cannot help him with this - you've already tried that, but it means nothing to an addict.

Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is let them hit bottom on their own. That is the ONLY thing ever known to wake up an addict and make them want to change.

Get him out today, take care of your money, and go to a very, very dark Plan B. We can help you here.

Mr. Nave is now Mr. Nave's problem - not yours.

Yeah well found out even more today, he made a fake profile on a website for moms that I belong to, posing as another woman to spy on me to find out if I was leaving him, grrrrr he cheats and I'm the one being spyed on...really. I'm so so angry I don't want to make any huge decisions while I feel this way. Going to stay and take some time to get my head together, all while buiding an exit stragety for the next time he screws up, which given his track record I am expecting won't be long from now.I'm done with the crying,preaching, fighting. He will either figure it out quckly or watch us hit the road. Not going to worry about him anymore, going to concentrate on getting myself mentally and physically together, raising my kids, updating resume, and there will be no sex no affection, just coparenting and cohabitation, I told him if he wants to save us he has to get it together but he has pretty much shattered what little trust I started to build so he is pretty much starting from scratch. I'm here for now but like I said not making any big decisions. Time to work on me a while so I can be stong and better able to make the right choices. Emotionally I'm a mess right now. I am determined to overcome that. Thanks for all your support. I will check in later

It is time for you.

When I posted to you two or more months ago, he was still working on what pleased HIM.

He is still doing that.

Coparenting and cohabitating will not change him or his behavior. He gets what he wants - you, cleaning his house, raising his child, and meeting all the domestic needs, and then he has this ONE need not met (SF)......so he uses this as an excuse for continuing affair behavior.

And he will blame you.



Get him out of the house.

Go to Plan B.


during Plan B you will have a MUCH BETTER chance of getting your head together, working on yourself, gaining the strength you need

and figuring out if you even want this guy in your life at all.

Meanwhile, he gets NO ENs met by you, and learns what it is like to be Mr. Single and Free. He will quickly find out it is not what he thinks. Or not.

Either way, you will be away from his poison and you can rest in quiet - without his constant presence making you feel sick and self-blaming.


GET HIM OUT OF YOUR HOUSE, or MOVE. You must get away from this man, go to Plan B, ASAP.

I believe it is your only hope of retaining any sense of sanity around Mr. Nave.

I searched "Bisexual" hoping to find a thread where someone is going through what I'm through and found this post. It is now over two years since there was any activity and I'm wondering how things turned out for Navewife.

I have not recently had a baby, but the rest of this story is very similar to my own. I'm only a week into trying to sort through my feelings but I know that I very much so want to fix my marriage and get it back on track. I hope it is possible, but I wonder if it is.

So Navewife... how are things? Can you give me some hope???

Hi, Betrayed,

Dr. Harley has indeed helped marriages recover from this situation, but I don't know if we know what happened in this particular marriage or not.

How about going back to your original thread and giving us an update? If your husband can't be brought on board with the recovery program, there is probably not much reason to hope. But if he will do what it takes, your prospects are good!

You might look through the archives of Dr. Harley's radio show. He has had calls about same-sex affairs several times.