Just tell her "still married" is a deal breaker for you, wish her well, yada, yada...

Thanks KC. I feel stupid about it b/c I think it was in her "profile" and I just missed it. Maybe some sort of subconscious wishful thinking. (or maybe it wasn't there at first and she updated it a couple days ago, I dunno). It won't be a tremendously hard conversation, but I still feel kinda bad cause we were planning to get together this weekend. Oh well.

As for the date this evening, it was a lot of fun. We went to a really nice place on the water. Neither of us were that hungry so we just shared a plate of muscles. The waitress knew not to bug us every 5 minutes, so it was the right place as far as the service.

She talked a lot, which was fine with me. She is adorable, she has a great voice and I was in heaven just sitting there listening and watching her move around like only a lady can and smell so good. Her laugh is intoxicating. It's been so long since I just heard a woman (who was interested in me) laugh sincerely like she was having fun and was relaxed.

She thinks I'm good looking (maybe her vision isn't so good, I don't know...) and fun to be around. The night ended with nice kiss and plans to get together Saturday.

Not bad for a blind date, and totally cool for the first date I've had since who-knows how long. Unfortunately, "dates" with the ex stopped being "dates" a looooong time ago...

Maybe I could've waited longer after the divorce was final (2 months ago). But I'm definitely glad I got this first one out of my system. I needed that. This girl ain't "the one" but I really enjoyed myself and look forward to another nice time this weekend. Realistically, I've put some safeguards in place to ensure I don't get too involved (locked up much of my 'free' time with various commitments). Plus, she's going to another state to live for 5 months this winter; leaving within a month I guess. Being vulnerable and knowing it, I think those are good speed bumps.

Any thoughts?

Opt

Sounds like you REALLY enjoyed your first date! Good for you!

Well, if you already know that she will be away for 5 months, I can see why you would like to put some safeguards in place. It will all depend on how quickly you two 'connect'...., then this 5-month separation can be a pretty tough one. If you intentionally put some distance, you won't get hurt but the separation will not be hard either.

Why is she going there? For work?

It sounds like you had a really enjoyable date, that's great! Being as everything went well, how is it you already know she is "not the one"? Yes, knowing she's going to be gone for 5 months right away is a good speed bump, and God only knows speed bumps are probably a good and safe thing.

Good for you man!! Does she have a sister?

Aww thanks you guys are great. It's so good to get the perspectives of trusted folks here who I know are in the same boat as me and have been through some similar experiences. Not to mention have knowledge of MB principles and can help me apply them to this crazy world of after-divorce life.

@milkshake: you're right, the next month I suppose could be a set up for the tone of the 5 months she'll be away (a planned re-location which she has access to through work.) I have no idea what lies ahead though, I'm just taking it a day at a time. On a positive note we talked on the phone today and both expressed that we had fun together. I have to admit that's a really nice feeling.

@KayC: I really appreciate your words. Who knows right? I was unfair to make a judgement about the future based on just one meeting. Again, I think one step at a time is wise. Right. I will be careful and keep my priorities straight. Thanks.

Opt

....

Was it worth the wait????.....



I'm glad it went well for you......truly I am.....

Not

Hey Opt, I have to say I was amused at your recounting of your foray back into the world of dating.

If you are ready and are safeguarding yourself against getting too serious too quickly, I say go for it.

I'm about 3 months out from the official divorce, and I can tell you that waiting a year ain't gonna happen. I don't want to jump into any serious relationship, but it would be nice to have some female company again.

I may have to bite the bullet and join one of these internet dating sites. Or, maybe your friend could set me up as well.

What does this mean?

AGG

I was curious about that too.

Wow you guys are tough. Can't get away with anything around here.

When KayC first questioned me on this, it really made me think. Not sure I've come up with an answer as to why I felt that way after the first date. Or why I chose to make the statement. I'm thinking I was allowing "logic" to prevail - the logic of probability that literally the 1st woman I go out with after a divorce could be the woman I wind up actually spending the rest of my life with. You've now got me questioning my "logic" - logic that got me into a marriage that, in retrospect, was not built on the right principles.

I have tried to get myself into an emotional state of strength to not fall into the "rebound" routine. Was telling myself 'she's not the one' my way of keeping emotional distance?

What concerns me was that I may have hastily come to some sort of weak conclusion that this person couldn't ultimately meet my needs for the long term (and maybe that I couldn't meet hers). That's bordering on DJ territory. She has some history - married to an alcoholic who also was unfaithful; did I let that mar my impression of her? (like I don't have some history...good grief!). She doesn't necessarily meet the picture I had in my head of the 'one' (she's a little older than I envisioned); now I'm wondering if I let that throw me off.

I think I need to go back to my EN questionnaire and make sure I have a strong sense of what's most important to me. Then, as this progresses, if it does, I'll be able to evaluate on the fly if there are flags or deal breakers lurking.

Thing is, I've talked to her a few more times. She's turning out to be even more nice, and sweet, and sincere, and honest than I thought at first. She seems to appreciate my position and was real sensitive to the fact that I'm only two months out (her D was pretty traumatic and was final about a year ago). She's voiced respect for the notion of taking one step at a time, while she also really digs me --now there's a feeling I haven't had in a really long time.


Well, we're supposed to go to a halloween party tomorrow night. I was flattered that she wanted to take me since she'll see some old friends. I feel a little pressure, but I think I'm up to the task; I'll try not to spill or break anything, lol.

I think I'll stick with honesty and openness, let her know how I feel about things and see where that goes. I already know what happens without O&H.

Opt

You already know the answer to that. I owe it all to you and others who joined the chorus a few months ago when I thought I was ready to take the leap. You helped me recognize some important boundaries that I had yet to evaluate properly. I really can't thank you enough.

Yes, it was worth the wait. In clear conscience and a position of relative strength I was able to enjoy myself and the company of a beautiful woman with many similar interests and experiences. And who knows what lies ahead, but we've already started off on solid ground as far as I can tell at this point.

Opt

Shtoop! thanks, man. No way not to grow stronger after going through what you have. You'll be much appreciated out there, when you're ready. That's for sure.

Opt

Well, my point in asking was that you don't need to make any decision at this point. Time will tell if she's the one.

What I would urge you to do, because I can see you going in that direction already, is to really hold off on the "exclusive" idea. You are too fresh from a divorce to put all your eggs in one basket at this point. You are likely to do what most of us did in your shoes - fall head over heels for the first person that was nice to us.

I would suggest that you see this lady again, but maintain all your other options, go out on dates with other women if you can, before falling into a "relationship". Try to focus on what you like about this woman, how you think she meets your needs, and whether she has any characteristics that you do not want in a partner. Remember, this is an evaluation process, not a race to get exclusive.

Sorry for being a bit of a wet blanket, just asking you to go slow. A lot of people say they "go slow" while they are in fact totally involved; I am saying hold off on being involved beyond your knowledge of this woman.

AGG

It sounds like it's going really well. I agree that it's way too soon for "exclusivity" and time will tell. Meanwhile, enjoy yourself!

Well, how did the Halloween date turn out? Fill us in Opt. Since I've broke up with my long distance girlfriend, I�m living my life vicariously thru you!!

Hope your date was another fun time together, Opt! Good for you TTF, you finally broke up with your g.f.!

Well, time has told, lol. I'll elaborate later.

I kept this in mind as we had our 2nd and 3rd dates over the weekend. You're totally right, and I'm glad you were kind enough to "wet blanket" me a little. I'll admit I could feel myself becoming quite smitten and could easily have gone the head-over-heals route, at least at first. She definitely has many good qualities.

This is excellent advice and I appreciate you saying it AGG. The evaluation process took place with pretty definitive results, but I'm not necessarily sure what to do about them. If I've identified characteristics that I "do not want in a partner," does that mean I can't see her again? We had a good time. I could envision other good times. She isn't looking for a "boyfriend" - made that pretty clear. And with dating being (as Gg puts it) high energy/low yield occupation, at this point I'd almost rather go with the medium yield and then focus other efforts on other things as well (like continued recovery, regaining independence, etc).

I have another problem with all this. With the limited (but somewhat intense) experience I had with this woman over the weekend, I'm not sure I have it in my nature to see more than one woman at a time. The barriers include not having enough time to hardly see one at a time, not having the mental capacity to keep everything straight, and quite frankly feeling like a cheater (even in the absence of big intimacy). As I was going through this in my mind throughout the weekend, I'm thinking I wouldn't have minded if she said she had other dates planned, but I just couldn't envision myself going out with someone else (a bassackwards way of not being exclusive, huh?). Again, the time commitments I have on my hands right now makes it exceedingly difficult to be non-exclusive. Just a little quandary I'm trying to work out.

Okay, I probably was in a bit of an emotional tailspin at the beginning of the weekend, but now I've reigned it back in. Fortunately, I think she feels the same way; gut feeling.

Thanks again for the advice and for taking the time, AGG; it was very helpful.

Opt

lol, TTF. You know what they say about gentlemen never kissing and telling. Let's just say there were some good moments... but you'll do just fine, I'm sure of that.

Opt

Thanks everyone for your support and caring. I read through threads here and often think I don't have much to offer, and yet those same folks are here for me. It's quite humbling.

Just to recap my above posts. Halloween weekend date was Saturday night. Again I found a very sweet, caring, very attractive, sensitive woman who was into me and seemed to bask in my energy as I did in hers. Very cool.

The conversation remained quite heavily one-sided, however, and this would continue when we got together again Sunday afternoon for late lunch and football watching in a fun Halloween atmosphere.

It became clear that as much as she insisted she's over the ex, she ain't. You don't talk about someone as much as she did if you've recovered and detached. It became laborious. I don't care to talk about myself anyway, but I'd like a date to be interested in at least something about me; she didn't really seem to be.

So, even though the ultimate nature of the conversation didn't do much for me, it was really really nice to spend time in the company of a beautiful sensuous woman; she (I know I keep going back here) smelled so good, and laughed so cute and pretty, and filled up her space so elegantly and gracefully. There's not much I would trade this weekend for.

I'd go out with her again (next opportunity wouldn't be til next Sunday and then the following Saturday - I'm a busy boy). But if she loses my number, I won't be devastated.

Opt