Hi, Autumn Day. I truly appreciate your thoughts. Things actually aren't going too well at the moment. I've actually wanted to post about this to get some feedback, since it's been bad at home lately, but I didn't have the heart. But I need to get this out there. Here's the issue:

I've maintained NC with OM. Things with him are only dealt with through lawyers. So no news there. However, my BH seems to HATE me. I don't use that word lightly. Pretty much all of our conversation is about how much I've screwed up his life and how much his parents will hate me once they find out about everything. I think he's depressed, but he refuses to get help. Keep in mind that we have a baby who demands a lot of my time, but I've done everything I can think of to demonstrate love and affection to him and put his needs right up there with the baby's needs. It's a juggling act that I simpy can't handle anymore. I'm barely sleeping so that BH doesn't have to lift a finger around the house, and I'm also working another job so that the lawyer fees don't dip into our savings. We're still in the middle of the court battle, and who knows when it will end. But no matter how much I'm investing in the love bank, my BH has nothing but anger, cuss words, and insults toward me. I know I deserve his anger and lack of trust, but this can't possibly be healthy to raise a child in this environment. And the temptation to go back to OM keeps increasing with each angry outburst (which is daily, even hourly on some days). I will never do that or hurt my BH again even if it kills me, but it's tough to want to stay in a M where you feel despised by your spouse. My BH has never been the emotional type to show affection or say "I love you," but this is just getting borderline abusive. We are all miserable, and for what? But he absolutely does not want me to leave. So...is there any hope for us?

How much longer will this last? Will he ever be able to love me again?

Have you asked your BH to read MB articles or materials?

What has been going on with the legal issues?

17 pages is too much to read so I'm sorry to have to ask again.
Maybe you can use a post script as others do here.

What was the time line of your BH finding out you had an affair, the day NC started, when you were pregnant with OM child, to now?

Why not leave the computer on at MB. This way your BH curiosity may get the best of him and he can fine some Harley articles?

Or as you read an article say to BH there's this story here that is what were going through.

Well - I know for me seeing the child everyday would set me off. Yes I would probably love the child as it is an innocent, but probably hate you because it was not mine. I would probably get over the hate at some point but it would be a long time.

He needs to go to counseling at some point or at least talk with a mentor or something.

Another thing that would annoy me is you running around doing everything in the house. Set some boundaries of your own. Not in a mean way but if you keep going like this all exhausted that's not good either.

Are you guys spending the required UA time? Get someone to watch the baby though. It's important to have that time to communicate and get that connection back.

I agree with the prevoious poster- summarize your story in your tag.

Hello to all,
New to this. Not sure what all the abbreviations mean. My wife and I have been married for 2.5 years. About eight months ago we had a miscarriage, about 3 months ago I found out she was seeing another guy. She met him at work. I was blindsided, I never thought she would do this to me. I'm struggling not to blame myself. Neither one of us handled the miscarriage well. I thought we were trying to move on and trying to get preganant again. And we did try but it didn't happen. I had no reason to believe anything was wrong! Now this thing is so broken I don't know if we will ever get back to where we were. I love this woman so much desptie what she has done. But she still says that she's not in love with me. We can be really passionate one minute and really distant the next. The whole thing is just really exhausting. Trying to convince myself not to throw in the towel. We are trying to work things out. We have only been to counseling once. At first, my wife seemed to be very humbled and wanted forgiveness. Now just a couple of months later, that humbleness is gone. I'm really struggling with this....just trying to hold on.

Hi turnthepage. Please ask the moderators to move your message to the Surviving An Affair forum, or better still - start your own thread there.

This forum is for folks who have children resulting from an affair. I don't think you're THAT far gone, yet.

As for the abbreviations, there is a post in the Notable Posts forum here.

I'm sorry you've had to find your way here. This is the club that nobody wants to join.

But you'll find some incredibly helpful people here. Read all you can from the articles on this site, post your story and get set for the hardest struggle of your life. You CAN do it -- with the help of the folks here.

Good luck, and God bless.

Because this really isn't about the OC anymore, rather it's about surviving the A, I've moved this discussion to the Infidelity/Surviving an Affair thread. I don't know how to put the link to that thread in here--sorry. :}

want, does your H help with the baby?

when we brought oc home i wanted nothing to do with her. felt it was FH's responsibility not mine.

then one day i held her to stop her from crying while FH was taking a shower and i was wrapped around her littl efinger.

once i made th ebond with the oc it helped bring me back to FH. after all the baby was part of her

That's interesting pops. I would be interested to hear how want's BH is with the baby as well.

It was totally different for my BH. He went to my ultrasounds with me when I was pregnant and cut the umbilical cord in the delivery room when she was born. She was definitely HIS little girl before she was even born. He has always done so much with her. He took off 2 weeks after she was born and got up with her at night so that I could sleep and heal from a very physically traumatic birth. He bathed her, changed her diapers, fed her (still does in fact).

But I know everyone handles these situations differently.

I believe that want's BH didn't actually find out about the A and the OM until after the baby was born, but I'm not sure on that one.

You are correct that BH found out afterwards, but even after finding out his feelings never changed. He's been active with her since day 1. BH and OC have a special bond even this early on. She may be cranky all day, then he comes home and she's all smiles. Her face lights up when she sees him. She is 100% daddy's girl. That's why the angry outbursts result--he's scared for that to change.

Want,

How long has it been since your BH found out about your A and that his child is not really his?
It typically takes about 6 months for BS's once they find out about the A to feel safe enough that the WS isn't leaving to be able to feel the emotions, and anger that they need to go through. This doesn't give the BS a right to abuse the WS, however, it is something that they go through. The suggests for your BS reading the MB materials and helping himself heal are very important.

As a BS, whose WH created an OC. Trust me, the pain does not go away in the tiny little amount of time you have given him so far. It is a long process, and far longer with OC than without. REmaining NC and only allowing your attorney to interact with the OM are great steps on your side for helping your BH heal. But he will need more from you for as long as HE needs it. The average A recovery time, to rebuild trust and be successful (if it is going to happen) is two years. With OC, especially one living in the house, you can expect real recovery to be about five years. There are improvements all along the way, but that is how long it takes to be able to look back and not start to cry and feel the pain of the betrayal for most BS's in this situation.

The depth of damage and pain caused by an A cannot even be imagined until it is lived.
Very happily 5 !/2 years into recovery!
Fled

Thanks, Fled. We're about 7 months post-D-day. I've been putting into practice all of the advice Dr. Harley and the wonderful MB advocates on this forum have offered. I've made a lot of changes and my BH has made a lot of changes, and the AO have pretty much ended.

BH says he feels he's healing and I can tell that he's not so stressed about all of the court stuff--he's actually laughing and smiling and enjoying life again. I couldn't believe how effective the advice is; it really helps!

Do you have a relationship with your OC? How is that going? My BH says he's fine with whatever we have to deal with (we're still in court over the paternity--it's not 100% been established yet), but he really wants to know how people with OCs deal with OM in custody arrangements. My BH does not want to have a mediator transport OC and arrange for visits, and BH would like to get along with OM for the OC's sake (I of course would never speak to or see OM again--my BH would have to deal with him), but is that realistic? He just wanted to know what other people have done and what is realistic in a situation like this, since BH cares a lot about OC having a healthy environment--whether with or without OM.

A mediator would be an excellent choice.

POJA this with your H.

BH is VERY protective of OC and doesn't trust a mediator to drive OC around, and BH even may insist on supervising any visits until he can trust OM with OC. But that just seems like it'd be very hard on my BH to have to deal personally with OM like that, knowing what OM did. I know pops dealt with OM regarding his OC, but I don't know what other options we have to make this easier on BH if he doesn't want a mediator.

I know we're jumping the gun on this, since right now we haven't even gotten the official paternity test ordered from the court, but my BH wants to start planning ahead for how we'll deal with this in the best interest of OC.

I do most of the interactions with xOW now. FWH still does most of the p/u's and d/o's but I talk to OW about OC issues and scheduling. It never gets easier for me. Maybe it will for your BH but I pray you are successful in fighting this interloper even having the CHANCE to be in your OC's life.

We do not have C with OC or OW. There are some BH's with OC around maybe they can speak to this. Writer is also a WW with OC, they do not have C either. Emotionally for your BH's sake I would recommend a mediator or maybe another family member that he is comfortable with that could be a go between if it is necessary. The best scenario in my view, is NC between OC and OM, that your OC grow up with you and your BH as the parents without the conflict of the OM if possible.

Fled

When there is no chance of denying the OM his paternity test in your state, have you thought about relocating? (at least officially) As many WS have to leave their job and relocate in order not to see the OP again, might that not be an option? The court in your new state of residence would be responsible then. If you pick a state where the OM has no rights...