Opt, you are no different than many of us were post divorce. After being married for many years, the idea of dating numerous people does seem counterintuitive. Hence this:


However, I can assure that this is exactly the wrong attitude to take with you into dating. You are not married, and you are entitled (and encouraged) to look around. By getting "serious" with the first nice smelling (and looking) body, you are really depriving yourself of learning what you need and want in a partner. Yes, the nice smell and looks can count for a lot, but they can never make up for somebody being wrong for you. Three dates in a couple of days is too much, and does not give you the chance to reflect and to think about what you learned on each one. And before you know it, poof, you're involved up to your ears.

It sounds like you did manage to see some red flags, and I commend you for that . But given that, why plan the next date, and why pre-empt the option of seeing other women?

Dr. Harley encourages folks to date 20-30 people before choosing a partner. I never dated that much before getting married the first time, but I did the second time. And I can tell you that it makes a lot of sense. It gives you the ability to evaluate people without feeling the need or pressure to "get involved" before you really know them. It gives you the ability to say "I like A's smell and looks, but I like B's humor, and I like C's conversations with me, etc"...

You are fresh from divorce, do not look at dating as "spouse shopping" - look at it as a chance to gain some relationship experience, and when the right one comes along, you'll know. Hint - the right one will not be the first or second or third woman you meet, but that's OK - you'll learn a lot even from Ms. Wrongs.

AGG

Wow, this is deep, AGG. I learned a lot from this as well! Didn't know that Dr. Harley encourages to date 20-30 people! But this includes casual dates, not having '20-30 relationships', right? I mean, I will die if I have to have 20-30 relationships before settling........

Well that settles it. I'm never getting married again!

I just turned 59 and I don't think I've had that many dates in my life. And I've now been married and divorced twice. I guess it also explains why.

I'm horrible at dating. No, I take that back, I'm horrible at asking for a date. I am a gentleman and know how to conduct myself on a date, I just can't get to the starting line.

I'm reminded of my very favorite saying about running: "The miracle isn't that I finished, the miracle is that I had the courage to start." I simply lack the courage to start -- which is asking for the date.

And to do this 20-30 times? I'm sunk.

You are too funny Fred, but I agree!

Let's just say you can manage to have one date a week. This assumption itself is VERY aggressive. We are all busy here, having a brand new date every week, that's overwhelming and unrealistic. But even at that pace, it will take 5 - 8 months! If you have a new date once a month, then it well take 2 - 3 years..., just to go through all of these new faces!

We need to live for a VERY long time...........or stop working so that we can have 2-3 dates a week, which is just as equally unrealistic

On a second thought, you know what, maybe 20-30 dates does not mean that you have to have 20-30 dates with 20-30 different people. Among them you might have the same dates; if you can double count, then this number seems to be a bit more manageable. I'm sticking to this idea

It took me 8 years to get remarried, I don't regret waiting .

Sorry, but let me barge in on this thread.

Way to get back in the game, Opt! I agree with all of AGG's sentiments. This is the time to shop around, enjoy meeting new people, and not be in any hurry to find the next "right one". Just enjoy being with these women for their company, there are plenty out there that are in your same shoes and not in any hurry to lose their independence. As long as you're up front about where you are and what you are looking for right now, there is nothing to feel guilty about. You are not "cheating", and the only harm is to your wallet, LOL.

I have to confess that I have entered the sordid world of online dating. I was very reluctant, but it is a much better alternative than bars and I was going to go a llllloooonnng time before meeting someone the conventional way, especially as shy as I am.

All I can say is WoW! It seems if you have all your teeth, most of your hair, minimal gut, and can string a few coherent sentences together, then you are a much sought after commodity.

I have one date scheduled tomorrow with a woman who was a former pastor at our church and is now with another across town. Don't know why she's divorced, but I can only guess that adultery can find its way into any profession. Always found her attractive and she's great to talk to.

Have another date with a woman who has been divorced for 20 years. This woman is VERY attractive, and quite frankly out of my league. This one makes me nervous, so we'll see how it goes.

I've also been contacted by an ex-girlfriend of my brother's from many years ago. This one's a little awkward, don't think I'll actually follow through with a date with her.

Anyway, it's a whole new world out there and I think I'm going to enjoy exploring a little.

Excellent Schtoop! You'll have fun just asking questions and talking some more. Ain't nobody out of your league, either Schtoop. You have a lot to offer. We all know that from being with you here for these last months. It's just up to her to find out how awesome you are.

Opt

You asked if you needed to feel a certain way if you were to continue to date her... I would answer it depends on if you are wife shopping or just out to enjoy yourself. If it's the latter, did you enjoy yourself? Therein lies your answer. I would also be frank with her and mention you'd rather not hear so much about her ex, that it's the two of you enjoying company at the moment. (She needs to vent to her family, friends, therapist...not you.) It's a common mistake many of us have made when we were newly divorced and had someone kind enough to point it out to us.

Right. This philosophy might be directed to those in their 20's; folks that haven't been through a marriage. At 20, average 3 dates/year gets you married by 30, and well informed. Personally, I think my experience counts for something so I'm not necessarily waiting until the 30 mark to start officially spouse shopping.





Opt

Fred, seriously. You've defeated yourself so stop telling yourself this nonsense.
Try a different way of saying it, maybe you're getting caught up in the wording you hear in your head. There's always the "we should have a cup of coffee sometime, I would enjoy that." --not really asking out, but definitely putting it out there for a response.
You could do like me "My friend ------ gave me your number and said you might be interested in going out with me."
worked like a charm, lol.

If you're good on a date, think of how much you're depriving her by not asking her out.

Opt

Thanks so much KayC for addressing this question that was still lingering to me. Definitely not wife-shopping. I did enjoy myself and that was nice. She did too I think, and as I said she actually stated she wasn't looking for a boyfriend, which was fine with me.

As for being more assertive, I appreciate that suggestion. I was not kind enough to point it out. I am genuinely interested and was happy to listen, but I bet she would have appreciated it if I had just put the kibosh on further discussion of her ex. She actually said "I've said too much" and then would go on again. My instincts were just to let her talk, but it did get old after a while. I'd try to change the subject, then eventually it would get back to the old subject. Good grief. Maybe there wasn't really much I could do; turns out she might be a little off anyway - I'll elaborate later.
Anyway, I learned a lot from the experience and processing it here with you folks has helped a lot.

opt

I appreciate the support, opt. This is something that has troubled me my entire life -- and I'm not a spring chicken anymore!

I'm not sure where it comes from. The fear of rejection doesn't bother me in any other endeavor, but somehow the prospect of asking a woman out on a date paralyzes me.

A psychiatrist would have a field day trying to dope this out.

If the fear of rejection (which is normal, by the way) does not bother you much, then just go for it! It's just a woman you know..., in the end we are all humans, we like good food, nice conversation, having fun, wanting to love and to be loved....

Look at the celebrities. With the endless funding, fame, beauty, plastic surgery (lol), etc., they still have exactly same issues as we deal with day in day out. You are no different.

If asking someone straight out makes you feel uncomfortable, you can flirt a bit with her to see her reaction. And I don�t mean sexual flirtation, but innocent and fun conversation. Say you like to joke around and be a goof. You do this with her, and if she does not �get it�, and then maybe you don�t need to ask her out. You like her reaction, then stay casual and ask her if she is in a mood for a nice hot cup of coffee. As a woman, I prefer when a guy asks me out casually initially, unless I have known this guy for a while.

Opt, perhaps a gentle way to bring it up to her would be...when she starts to go on about her ex, interrupt at the first good opening and say "I'm much more interested n learning about YOU than your ex!" If she STILL goes on about him you might say, "He doesn't sound like anyone I'd care to know, can we talk about YOU instead?"

Oh Fred, you seem like such a nice person, if you were in Oregon, I'd ask you to coffee! (and I'm not even interested in dating) Don't sell yourself short, I'm sure you have a lot to offer and are very interesting. Just pretend you feel great and interesting and you'll come across that way...your feelings about it will catch up eventually.

You are soooooooooo right KayC. I thought of this (even the exact same wording) just about the time you were mentioning this situation above (about her bringing up the ex). Doh!
It was me just trying to change the subject; but I should have just come out and said it straight - what you said above. Oh well, I learned a lot from the whole thing, and as usual you folks here have helped me learn even more than I would've on my own. I won't make that mistake with the next one.

Opt

My thoughts are that if someone talks nonstop about their ex, the problem is not that they are talking about them, but they are obviously still mentally consumed by them. Which suggests to me that they are not ready for dating yet. So getting them to stop talking is not really fixing the underlying issue.

And like someone said, most of us did the same thing right after our divorces, because, well, because we were not yet ready either .

AGG

ooh, my one thousandth post! lol.

AGG, there's a good point. Very good.
I still wished I would have addressed the whole situation a little differently, but in the end, yeah, it doesn't appear she's really moved on.

Your statement is encouraging to me however: My ex never crossed my mind the whole time. Not once.

~Opt

AGG is a man with lots of wisdom

Indeed, Milkshake. We're lucky to have him.

Just to elaborate on something I mentioned above and never got back to:
Halloween Date has evaporated like a ghostly apparition. On Monday after, I got a call back from her in which she pretty much alluded to the concept that she wasn't interested in talking to me, at least for the rest of the night. I was a little dumbfounded, but calls wouldn't go through - voicemail full.

Haven't heard from her since.

I'll admit I'm a little heart-broken. I really liked her. And not knowing what happened is a little off-putting. I was really sweet to that girl. I can't think of anything I did to make her be like that.

Oh well. Since I have the luxury of making up my own story, I've decided that maybe I was simply too much for her. Or maybe that she's a Russian spy.

~Opt