Sooooo, I suppose it's update time. I've put this off because of these:

But! We POJA'd! And so. Let the update commence.

*DH and I went back and forth, up, down, and all around over this "what are we doing with the rest of our lives" stuff. We finally both agreed that medical school for me was our most viable option - one that met a lot of criteria that became more evident in their importance as our discussions progressed.

*We entered into the med school decision on a trial basis. We'll give it a few weeks, see how it goes. We were pretty sure it was a done deal.

*Then the few weeks happened. Hoooo boy, he and I were both wrong in how we factored the kids and the stress on home life into this. The kids are SENS.I.TIVE. And I'm a bit of a "stress bunny," as DH likes to say. So even my efforts to control my stress/anxiety were insufficient to keep it from seeping into family life.

*Evenings weren't so relaxing anymore. I was busy running around trying to take care of meals, cleaning, time with DH (which was sorely compromised), sleep... Not enough hours in the day.

*Time with the kids was drastically different - reduced in duration and, more significantly, in quality.

A few nanny glitches added in, and DH and I decided it just wasn't worth it. We'll figure out the "rest of our life" stuff without medical school right now. Maybe he and I will both go at some point, maybe I won't ever go back. Right now, though, we are settling back into me being a homemaker - and it is muuuuuch nicer for all of us.

The house is peaceful. It feelss like a home. The frenetic stress bunny and impact on our relationship, the kids, and the home were far worse tradeoffs than me continuing to stay home for now and us exploring other "rest of our life" options.

So that's where we are. He mentioned the other day that at the beginning of summer (maybe around when I switched this topic to "I think it's over"?) he was certain that a divorce was the only way to go, he would finance the kids while I got a career education, that was the only path to freedom and happiness for him... And then he referred to the present, our relationship in the context of it being unstable and not able to sustain the damage medical school's stress would throw at it... I'm trying not to be too positive, but ?

Hi Mrs V!

Seen you around here and there. Was curious to see how you and your BH are doing? You've always struck me as one of the FWW's that really gets it and I am so hoping that you and your BH can eventually figure things out and make it work.

I'm definitely pulling for you and your family.

for what?

You saw med school not working so you find a new choice. Evidently your BH makes good money. So go school part time. So it takes ten years to get a BS (degree, you already have a non degree BS ) and start a career when the kids are old enough to not need a mom 24/7.

Thanks for checking in, y'all!

Not really a whole lot to report. We've passed the two year mark, and things are leveling out. Still some highs, still some lows. (Now that I think about it, not as much A-related as just me improving at meeting DH's needs in ways he wants them met. Certainly the A makes the errors worse, but that's expected). All par for the course, I suspect.

I'm operating with no expectations, I guess, and we're just keeping our heads down and getting through this. I, too, hope DH and I make it out of this with a good M. Time will tell.

Thanks for the cheering section, mindshare! How are things with your situation?

Sounds like you are doing ok Mrs V. I hope that at some point you can get your BH to consider some MB in your marriage. Maybe you can find a way to get him involved in very small ways for starters? Any chance of that?

Don't want to t/j on you but you asked so I will answer. The D train left the station a long time ago in my sitch. Complicated financial sitch is prolonging my day of true freedom. F?WW is still in the fog and will probably spend her remaining days there. Just want the train to make it to the final stop so I can use my new found MB knowledge in a new relationship in the future. Thanks for asking Mrs V.

I'm sorry to hear about the D, mindshare. Obviously, I have a very great interest in marriages recovering from infidelity (especially when the wife was the adulterer), and we all know how rough it is when the path we thought our lives were headed is all of a sudden rewritten.

The great thing about MB is that it works whether you're M'd or not. You'll always get something out of it you can take with you.

I want to dispel any misconceptions: DH is amazingly involved given all that I put him through. While he doesn't post on MB, he occasionally reads, and he is well-versed in the concepts. Now that we have a language for all of this relationship stuff, it's easier to pay attention and communicate about it as needed.

I think I mentioned earlier that he bought me counseling for us with the Harleys for my birthday after D-day?

I catch myself even now, and have to remind myself that just because other people recover doesn't mean we will. Or that our recovery will look exactly like someone else's. Or that we'll do it faster or slower or whatever. Each one is different. If I start getting my expectations up about our recovery, that there will even be a marital recovery, how I think it should go, what I want right now from it, then I'm doing my DH a huge disservice (to put it mildly) - I'm still the perpetrator, and me pushing my recovery agenda on him isn't going to do either of us any good.

No, not an epic update-y post. Just needed to change the subject w/in this thread!

Thanks for this Mrs V. You are absolutely correct!

Not all M's can or should be saved. I'm at peace with my decision.

Wow Mrs V! This is really cool. I must have missed this post. I was under the impression your BH was not really into the whole MB thing. I'm glad to hear that he is open to the concepts. You are so correct that having a common lingo that you both understand is so helpful!

Sounds like you guys are doing pretty well.

Recovery takes patience. Sounds like you've figured that out already. Keep plugging away....