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xo13 #2445825 11/23/10 03:33 PM
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Boy do I understand your frustration.

Originally Posted by xo13
I have tried telling him but I must not be telling him the right way and every time I do talk about it � he tells me to give him time .. he needs to do it on his terms and that he understands my needs he just needs time and he wants me to be patient� Please HELP!!!

I wonder why he feels he needs time? Does that mean he acknowledges there is a problem? Wonder what his terms are?

Hey I'm new here so I don't really know what to say. But based on the materials I've read, perhaps husband's love bank is also empty. If I change my habits to make deposits while not making any withdrawals, then over time I might get his attention. This will require a lot of patience. Keeping resentment at bay during the process is not easy. But I keep reading posts and try to focus on people who are successful and back in love and that would make all the effort worth it.

If your H watches at lot of TV, perhaps you can use that time to cuddle, hold hands, or give affection in some way. Let him know you like to be with him. It may take a long time before he responds.

Keep us posted.

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Thank you! I think it helps to know that there are other people in the same situation as me. I think it helps to write about it not feel like you are being judged. I hate discussing these things with girlfriends because they automatically think that I should leave and that our marriage is no good and can be so judgmental and offer poor quality advise� grrrr....

I am also very new to this, but I need to write about this.. I need to share this with someone because I am ready to burst� this morning while driving to work I was ready to cry� He slept on the couch again, not really sure if he was up playing the game again or just decided to sleep on the couch .. need to check the computer log when I get home.. so I was upset .. he avoided me this morning and timed things just right so he would not be in the kitchen at the same time as me so we would not have to talk about it again and by tonight million other things will happen and I will forget and get over it �right? (I leave the house about 7am and he stays home to watch the kids and take them to school at 8am) � so on the way to work I was ready to cry � tears started to fill up my eyes and I kept telling myself do not cry � do not cry � there is a way to fix this

Not sure what he needs time for?!?!? He does not deny that there is an issue, we have gone to counseling over this, but as soon as things were starting to get better, we stopped� now he does not want to go back because he knows what the issues are and does not need to pay someone to tell him � I should ask him about the terms... you bring up at good point!!

As for the deposits into the love bank � not always so easy � I am sure that I have done things to push him away � but the key is to understand what these things are so I don�t do it again and one way to solve this is by having that very uncomfortable conversation about it instead of sweeping it under the rug and waiting or asking for more time � time heals, but you also need to talk about things � I think!

xo13 #2445849 11/23/10 04:12 PM
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Originally Posted by xo13
� so on the way to work I was ready to cry � tears started to fill up my eyes and I kept telling myself do not cry � do not cry �

Go ahead and cry. I do. Maybe someday we won't have to. You are not alone (((hug))).

Originally Posted by xo13
As for the deposits into the love bank � not always so easy � I am sure that I have done things to push him away � but the key is to understand what these things are so I don�t do it again and one way to solve this is by having that very uncomfortable conversation about it instead of sweeping it under the rug and waiting or asking for more time � time heals, but you also need to talk about things � I think!

Just remember those "uncomfortable conversations" make withdrawals. You are absolutely right, you need to talk about it. Just make sure the bank balance can handle it.

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The work thing is a hard one for men. Try letting him know you appreciate how much he does for you and the family. I admire how hard you are working. Thanks for supporting us. And no "buts". Just give the compliment and leave it at that.

Maybe some night when he is playing computer games -- sit near him and tell him those things. Ask: "How are things at work? Hard? Stressful? Any changes? Can I help?"

And then: "Would you like to hear about my day? " Then share something nice. Ask for advice on a problem and let him fix it. And say thanks.

If you have a nice conversation.. try the next day to say: "That was nice. But honey, I really miss you. I really need you in my life. You are neglecting our marriage plain and simple. We must spend time together. PLEASE send me one text or give me one email or call during the day. something nice. Pretend you are courting me (which he is.... if you want SF you need to be courting all the time... all week. And it should be FUN. It should be a joy to be thoughtful and do nice things for your special lady.)


Me: 43
ExWW: 44
Married 16yrs. 4 children

EA (ExWW): May-Nov 2009 + Aug-Dec 2010
D-DAY JAN 30, 2011
Exposure: FEB 7, 2011
Contact Again: Apr 25, 2011
Divorce Final Sept 2012

"I want to be married and stay married. Now I uunderstand the kind of marriage I want and we all deserve. But I also know it takes two to want to Build that Marriage."
TheRoad #2445968 11/23/10 10:51 PM
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Originally Posted by TheRoad
Never reveal thank you are gathering intelligence all that does is tell the WS that what he is doing is working.

And, telling them warns the WS to keep their vigilance up and not get sloppy because they will get caught then.

I almost swear that Melody has stated that if no evidence is found...etc

I apologize if I'm wrong. But at some point--months, years, etc. She should tell him that she has questioned his fidelity and has been checking his email, etc.


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I second the complimenting on his financial support of the family. I would be honest with him about the gaming. Something along the lines of understanding that he enjoys the games and you want him to play them but that you would most of hte evenings reserved for the two of you. Tell him you miss his company and would like some attention from him.


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Thank you for your comments. So today I immediately went to work on this spending time together thing. At 10pm I turned the TV off even though the new were on and asked the question �Are you happy with how we have been treating each other� I know a risky question if the love bank is empty, which based on today�s discussion I think it is.. in addition a risky question since he had couple of beers, but I was doing this � I am not waiting anymore � I am tired of feeling this way and I know he is too � based on today�s discussion� ok back to the story. I did let him talk for almost 20 minutes � he was getting angry and really just wanted to engage in an argument. I kept my cool I have no idea how I did this, but I did it even when he was saying these hurtful things about me� like I could never do his job because it is so so hard and so on � to me that is hurtful because I like to think I am somewhat intelligent and if present me with a challenge I will try my best to solve it � I just kept reminding myself he is just angry and do not engage just listen and let him talk even though my blood pressure was raising� it felt good not to engage� after he was done I told him that I love him and cared about him I took my time saying that because I really wanted him to hear it � and asked him if he thinks that way we treat each other helps our relationship? Once again he started getting angry this time he didn�t even answer the question. Said that I didn�t care about him! Said that I sat him back! Lied to me about couple of things that I know for a fact are not even remotely close from my investigation�.and tried to blame me for it�. It is good to know these things because if I didn�t I would have engaged into the argument � after about 10 minutes he paused �. I think he realized something � but really not sure � then said he didn�t know what the question was ??? So I asked again �.Then he said what the F**** are you some kind of psychiatrist?? I said no and repeated the question� he finally answered NO� I then asked him if this can be changed and if yes how?? He didn�t know � I told him that I had couple if ideas� and one of them would be spending more time alone� which opened another can of worms where he once again said some very angry things � I stopped him at one time and said that he was going too far with his comments and that I would appreciate for him to stop � to my surprise he did� A little more back and forth and then finally he said it.. which I think is the reason we are having issues �. That I care only about the kids and not him!!! The way he said it � wow I felt that inside of me and really could see how he would feel that way� he kept going on about that for a little while longer and then stepped outside and I jumped from the couch with joy � and said I get it !!! I understand how you feel!! OK this is really long after he came back in I told him thank you and went and give him and hug he give me one back and almost fall asleep on his chest but the dog did wake us up� he went outside to check on things and when he came back I told him thank you for talking to me tonight and said that I love him and that I was going to sleep�. He give me a really good hug � one that you feel your insides � wow that is what I miss about our relationship the most his hugs that have so much passion �. ?!?! Thank you everyone for the tips!! I think I just really need to take time�. So we agreed that we need to spend more time alone, we just need to make arrangements on how and what?!?!? That is my assignment for tomorrow�

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Originally Posted by stretch123
Try letting him know you appreciate how much he does for you and the family.

Maybe some night when he is playing computer games -- sit near him and tell him those things. Ask: "How are things at work? Hard? Stressful? Any changes? Can I help?"

And then: "Would you like to hear about my day? " Then share something nice. Ask for advice on a
admire how hard you are working. Thanks for supporting us. And no "buts". Just give the compliment and leave it at that.
problem and let him fix it. And say thanks.

If you have a nice conversation.. try the next day to say: "That was nice. But honey, I really miss you. I really need you in my life. You are neglecting our marriage plain and simple. We must spend time together. PLEASE send me one text or give me one email or call during the day. something nice. Pretend you are courting me (which he is.... if you want SF you need to be courting all the time... all week. And it should be FUN. It should be a joy to be thoughtful and do nice things for your special lady.)[/color]

These are some very good tips I can tell you I am not very good at saying these thigns so I could understand why his love bank is running on empty

xo13 #2445980 11/24/10 12:01 AM
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ok so I tried the quote thing it did not turn out the way I planned it sorry...

xo13 #2445990 11/24/10 05:01 AM
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xo13,

The willingness to TRY sometimes makes all the difference if your H sees it. From my own personal experiences, a significant portion of the reason my STBXW and I are divorcing is her unwillingness to try to meet my needs in the way I need her to meet them. A good example is conversation. There are others but this one is most germane. Somewhat recently, I asked her if she wouldn't mind asking how my day went. I always (even now) ask her how her day went and probably spend a good 30 minutes listening to her on this subject every single day which I know scores major bank points. On the flip side, she hasn't asked me how my day went once that either of us can recall in years. She says it doesn't occur to her to do so much like to doesn't occur to her to say thank you when I do something. After our conversation about this a few weeks ago, she still hasn't once asked me how my day went (I've reminded her about the conversation twice).

It hurts me that she's so uninterested in mine and the children's lives that she can't muster up enough thoughtfulness to inquire how our day was. Despite this, she feels that if it doesn't occur to her to do something naturally, she shouldn't have to go out of her way to do it.

This is a fundamental difference in our view on our marriage that we're never going to get past me thinks. So anyway, this was my roundabout way of saying that it's important to meet your husband's needs (and he yours) in the way that he likes but in many ways, the attempt alone is important even if you don't get it right initially because it shows you cared enough to try.

By the way, excellent job not getting drawn into the anger and craziness in that discussion. Perhaps some of the other posters can give you some tips on redirecting so he doesn't AO so frequently which is a killer to any discussion. But still, great job!

Travis


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Originally Posted by tccoastguard
xo13,

By the way, excellent job not getting drawn into the anger and craziness in that discussion. Perhaps some of the other posters can give you some tips on redirecting so he doesn't AO so frequently which is a killer to any discussion. But still, great job!

Travis


Thank you kind words� and sorry about your situation� If there are ways to redirect the angry comments please let me know how I would love to know�

xo13 #2446048 11/24/10 09:37 AM
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OK so I felt good about the discussion yesterday I really did� He still slept on the couch and played his game but this morning I checked his messages and he sent an e-mail out after our discussion that said something like that � �sorry to leave you all hanging.. wife had a meltdown again� don�t ever marry a polish woman (I am polish) .. nothing against polish people but the woman can be very dramatic� ok so what does that mean?!?!? Should I be bothered by it � well I am because he is apologetic to the people online who play the game and makes that a priority� ????

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Something that has worked for us is holding hands during tough discussions. Sometimes it is difficult to achieve, especially if he is already mad, but it has never failed to calm things down. Ask for his participation in this when things are not tense. Try something like, in a quiet moment (washing dishes together, etc), "Hey, I was thinking, sometimes our tougher discussions get a little crazy and I thought maybe we could calm them down if we held hands while we're talking. Is that something you'd be willing to try?"

If he agrees to it, then next time things get hot, go sit by him and offer your hand, MOUTH SHUT and smile on your face. Once you're 'in position', continue the discussion.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
CWMI #2446053 11/24/10 09:50 AM
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CWMI... that sounds good ... but I am not sure about it I will give it a try .. but he is such a man... not sure how he will respond kinda scard to even sugesst.... thanks

xo13 #2446069 11/24/10 10:24 AM
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Originally Posted by xo13
A little more back and forth and then finally he said it.. which I think is the reason we are having issues �. That I care only about the kids and not him!!!

Now you're getting to the meat of the matter.

You say he says angry and hurtful things...can you be more specific? In there somewhere, he is likely expressing unmet emotional needs, but he doesn't have the tools to really express them in a safe and non-attacking manner. This was an issue for me for the longest time.

Conversely, you get to learn to listen without automatically becoming defensive. My wife had to learn this skill.

A frank question: how has your sex life been? When our sex life dried up early in our marriage, I started staying up later...I saw no reason to come to bed since nothing was going to happen anyway, regardless of how much courting I did throughout the day. I was very resentful and this crept into my interactions with my wife and kids. I got past it with a lot of work, but it required effort on my wife's part as well.

We really feel it when we don't get our 15 hours. It's hard with three small kids, but as JC told us, babysitters are cheaper than divorce attorneys...


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Originally Posted by bitbucket
Originally Posted by xo13
A little more back and forth and then finally he said it.. which I think is the reason we are having issues �. That I care only about the kids and not him!!!

Now you're getting to the meat of the matter.

You say he says angry and hurtful things...can you be more specific? In there somewhere, he is likely expressing unmet emotional needs, but he doesn't have the tools to really express them in a safe and non-attacking manner. This was an issue for me for the longest time.

Conversely, you get to learn to listen without automatically becoming defensive. My wife had to learn this skill.

A frank question: how has your sex life been? When our sex life dried up early in our marriage, I started staying up later...I saw no reason to come to bed since nothing was going to happen anyway, regardless of how much courting I did throughout the day. I was very resentful and this crept into my interactions with my wife and kids. I got past it with a lot of work, but it required effort on my wife's part as well.

We really feel it when we don't get our 15 hours. It's hard with three small kids, but as JC told us, babysitters are cheaper than divorce attorneys...

^^^^^^ x10

Also, add in; have you ever rejected him for sex? Do you realize that when you do that, it is more than just the act that you are rejecting? You are not just "not in the mood," you are rejecting him as a whole. No, that's not how you mean it, but that's how it FEELS.

It cumulative, too. I got to the point where I felt like I was lost and rejected, even when she didn't reject me. She had no clue that I spent years crying myself to sleep, even when she "accepted" me, because the years of rejection and resentment had destroyed everything for me.

I stopped going to bed because all that was in my marital bed for me was pain and rejection. I was alone even if she was next to me.

*edit*

The people I played online games with; never rejected me, never judged me, never had angry outbursts. Just like an affair partner, they did nothing but meet important emotional needs without making LB$ withdrawals. They did not make me feel like a disappointment and a failure.

Make sense?

Last edited by HeadHeldHigh; 11/24/10 04:48 PM.

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Have a Happy Thanksgiving xo.

I thought of something else... sounds like he could be unhappy and just sulking a lot. I did that a lot when I knew the marriage wasn't going well. I knew she wasn't happy. My attitude was: I have no idea what's wrong. This is a mystery. I bet she leaves me and I will be angry and sad and alone and have no idea why that happened. I spent time feeling sorry for myself and avoiding her.

If your H is feeling anything like this... then at least he CARES. At least its a sign he is also depressed about the marriage. But he probably can't explain it.

So he sounds upset you seem to care about the kids and not him. MB has a lot of advice. UA and RC are important. Stay patient. It will take time for him to understand how his behaviors are really bad and need some change.



Me: 43
ExWW: 44
Married 16yrs. 4 children

EA (ExWW): May-Nov 2009 + Aug-Dec 2010
D-DAY JAN 30, 2011
Exposure: FEB 7, 2011
Contact Again: Apr 25, 2011
Divorce Final Sept 2012

"I want to be married and stay married. Now I uunderstand the kind of marriage I want and we all deserve. But I also know it takes two to want to Build that Marriage."
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HeadHeldHigh, super info! I am sure I have rejected him at some point of time or another. Our relationship has gone through a lot of ups and downs. I think that we both hurt each other. I was attending school at one point of time during our relationship, so there was no time for us at all and between that my full time job and kids, I could see how I just completely neglected everything about us. I could see how the people he plays during the game are just there � they don�t judge � they are just there! I get that� I just hope that our relationship is not too far gone that we can�t see the goodness.
We did have somewhat good Thanksgiving. He cooks, but for the first time he helped me cut things up for stuffing � he is bit obsessive compulsive if things are not done his way � so we were working together in a kitchen and we got to the mushrooms � he makes the best stuffed mushrooms � I was helping him and I was just not doing a good enough job. He got mad� I did not engage � even though I was super mad� went to sit on the couch with the kids� After he was done he came back and said he was sorry for how he was acted, I said thank you, and told him that I hope you can see that our relationship is more important than some stupid mushrooms! I really did appreciate that he acknowledge that his angry outburst was not appreciated and that he apologized.

xo13 #2446577 11/26/10 04:17 PM
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Stretch123, Thanks! Patience � something I defiantly I would love to have more of!!

xo13 #2446579 11/26/10 04:27 PM
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Bitbucket I see how the kids just eat up all of my time and its OK with me because I love them and I really don�t mind it� and I tend to spend most of my energy on them and not on our relationship and I could see how his needs are not being met at all right now. I want to change that, but he needs to know that this is for real, that I mean this, and he needs to allow me, which I am assuming will take time.
I could see how since his needs have been neglected for so long he became overly angry, resentful, and thinking/feeling as the only way I can get attention from my woman is when I get angry .. that is the only way she will notice me or like you said he simply doesn�t have the appropriate skills to express them� either way� what will fix that??? How can we get past that??
Sex life is non existent � but its mostly him now� there was a time it was reversed but that has changed and now he does not want to participate and tells me to wait every time I ask about it�. At this point of time I think I am so deprived for affection that I ask for sex instead of talking about the real issue hoping that sex would interest him and he would want to participate� and that was I would get at least a little affection from him� even if it is not what I really want� the reason we don�t have sex is also my reason for thinking that he is messing around somewhere on the side� please tell me that if a men is not getting any from his wife it does not automatically mean he is cheating?!?!?
15 hours a week� still working on that one�

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