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Thanks so much for all your advice already, but I still would like to know....
How long does a midlife crisis last ????
Is it possible he'll snap out of it then ???
That he realizes what he's done and regret it ???
Any experiences with this ???
Last edited by lostwithouthim; 12/19/10 05:33 PM.
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Mid-life crisis my patootie.
He will be over it as soon as his head finds it's way out of his backside.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Mid-life crisis my patootie.
He will be over it as soon as his head finds it's way out of his backside.  That was funny.....even though it wasn't what I wanted to hear.... 
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This is not about 'midlife crisis'
This is about emotional needs not being met and leaving your marriage vulnerable to other people meeting those needs.
Forget all about midlife crisis. It will distract you from doing what you need to do for your family.
Work on yourself. Become more money savvy. Strengthen where you were not being your best self. Grow as a person.
See a lawyer. There is a saying that a fool has himself as a lawyer.
It doesn't have to get nasty. Marriage Builders is all about NOT getting nasty. No love busting (even if you are in plan B). No disrespect. No angry outbursts. It is all about bettering yourself as you try to save your marriage. It is all about being clear on things too. Seeing yourself with more insight than ever before. Caring for yourself as never before while being open to rebuilding.
Your children are not the most important thing in your WH's mind right now. His fix on his emotional needs getting met by another adult IS. Period.
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This is not about 'midlife crisis'
This is about emotional needs not being met and leaving your marriage vulnerable to other people meeting those needs.
Forget all about midlife crisis. It will distract you from doing what you need to do for your family.
Work on yourself. Become more money savvy. Strengthen where you were not being your best self. Grow as a person.
See a lawyer. There is a saying that a fool has himself as a lawyer.
It doesn't have to get nasty. Marriage Builders is all about NOT getting nasty. No love busting (even if you are in plan B). No disrespect. No angry outbursts. It is all about bettering yourself as you try to save your marriage. It is all about being clear on things too. Seeing yourself with more insight than ever before. Caring for yourself as never before while being open to rebuilding.
Your children are not the most important thing in your WH's mind right now. His fix on his emotional needs getting met by another adult IS. Period. What's Plan B ???? Is this what I should be doing now ???
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http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.htmlGet the book Surviving An Affair which is the game plan for marriage builders. Study it. See how it is constructed and based on human nature/logic.
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@lost -
Read up on Plan A. Carrot and stick.
By your WS contemplating divorce he is now thinking about himself. NOT YOU! Therefore he is doing what is fair for himself. NOT YOU!
The MB principles can help you save your marriage.
If you don't want a divorce,
**** DON'T SIGN! *** READ SURVIVING AN AFFAIR ***
You really need to see an attorney.
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Can midlife crisis cause a faithful, loving and caring husband to go over the edge like this ??? Where he throws everything away just for an affair ???? Never in a billion years did I expect this to happen.....not with him  !!!!! He's not the man he used to be for 10 years.....he's cold and I don't know......just awful.... How long does a midlife crisis last ????
Is it possible he'll snap out of it then ???
That he realizes what he's done and regret it ???
Any experiences with this ??? Please, I'm desperate for hope !!!!!!! I know I can't stop the divorce, but I would even give him a chance after because I know he's not himself right now !!!!!!! lost, Dr Harley posted this reply to a thread on December 4 2009. The thread asked whether MB put any faith in the concept of "mid-life crisis". As you will see, Dr Harley described it as rather a meaningless, catch-all term. He recommends treating the behaviour that is defined as MLC. I don't usually put much emphasis on MLC because it tends to be a distraction when trying to solve a marital problem in the most efficient and effective way possible. For example, if a man has an affair, some might argue that it's due to a mid-life crisis which should be treated first. The therapeutic plan would then dictate that he resolve the issue creating the crisis (he's unhappy about the way his life is turning out) and then address the affair itself. Since those having affairs usually want to delay ending them, they like the idea of extended therapy. But the time it takes to complete therapy for midlife crisis usually results in a wife and children long gone.
Granted, when a man has come to my office deeply depressed, wondering if his life's worth living, even I have used the term, mid-life crisis, to help describe what he's going through. Sometimes, in an effort to rise above his depressive state, he uses alcohol and drugs, and very rarely, infidelity, to treat his depression, which invariably makes him even more depressed.
The problem of mid-life crisis, and the resulting deep depression, is almost always due to a man's career. But if he's using drugs, alcohol, or having an affair as a way to treat his depression, my first order of business is to rid him of these self-destructive measures, and then to treat the mid-life crisis. His short-sighted solutions are far more damaging to him than the problem itself.
Why isn't the issue of mid-life crisis mentioned more in my articles? Because it's a very rare cause of infidelity, but a very common excuse to avoid prompt action to end an affair.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I have a suggestion to show your WH you mean business about healing the finances department. Enroll and give him a present of you being in Crown Ministries finances courses, offered at many local churches, which teaches reponsible financial practices at home!
Your WH needs to see YOU are 100 percent committed to change, that he can have the W he always wanted, financial security w/no surprises, and you need to plan A your [censored] off!
Prayers for peace now, and wish you well in getting to recovery!
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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I will have to take it then...I wouldn't be the first mom to raise her kids without a father....
I will deal with what life throws me.... Um. No. Correction. YOUR CHILDREN will have to deal with what THEIR PARENTS threw at them. Not you. 
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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MB PLAN:
1. Expose the affair. Expose it to your family, his family, and the OW's family. Tell his friends, your friends, and any of the OW's friends. Let everyone know about this affair, because affairs thrive on secrecy and it is often the case that once the affair is in the open IT STOPS.
Read on this website about how to expose the affair in the optimum way, not a mean-spirited way, and to garner support for marriage.
2. DO NOT DISCUSS DIVORCE WITH YOUR HUSBAND. If you do not want a divorce, do not discuss it with him. Get an attorney, and have that attorney be very clear on the fact that you do NOT want a divorce. Instruct the attorney to OBSTRUCT the divorce, to drag each and every time possible. File delay after delay.
whenever your husband mentions the word divorce to you, your response is:
I DO NOT DISCUSS DIVORCE. I BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE, AND I WILL ALWAYS DISCUSS HOW TO REPAIR OUR MARRIAGE WITH YOU, BUT I DON'T TALK DIVORCE. WOULD YOU LIKE A CUP OF COFFEE OR A COOKIE?
3. Read about Plan A on this website, and get yourself immediately into Plan A. You need to stop doing the things that you know you have done wrong, let him know you are making those changes, and make the changes for LIFE. He will doubt you. When he says that he doubts you, and that it is too late, your response is:
I KNOW THAT YOU FEEL THAT WAY. I CAN SEE WHY. IT DOESN'T MATTER THOUGH, BECAUSE WITH OR WITHOUT YOU, THESE CHANGES NEED TO BE MADE IN ME, AND I AM MAKING THEM FOR MYSELF, BECAUSE YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT THESE ISSUES, AND I MUST MAKE THE CHANGES BECAUSE IT IS THE ABSOLUTE RIGHT THING TO DO. THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME, AND I DO APOLOGIZE FOR NOT DOING IT SOONER.
He will be doubtful, but stick to your plan.
4. Do not badmouth the OW. The affair is NOT about her. It is about your husband, and the state of your marriage immediately prior to his affair. Do not be fooled by anything else that might lead you into thinking that it was this or that or some other thing. It is about YOUR HUSBAND and the fact that he chose to go outside the marriage to solve marital problems.
5. Be preparing to go to Plan B while you are in Plan A.
Read about Plan A and Plan B on this website.
Stick to the Marriage Builders Plans.
Buy the books His Needs/Her Needs and also Surviving an Affair.
Do not refer your husband to this website, or mention it to him.
Install a keylogger on your computer if he still uses it.
Read the Spying 102 thread for spying ideas.
Do. Not. Leave. Your. Home. and. Do. Not. Kick. Him. Out. Unless. You. Go. to. PLAN B.
Fill out one of the Emotional Needs (EN) Questionnaires on this website as though you are your husband, and work really hard to meet his needs while you are in Plan A. Look good, smell good, be good.
Stay in your Plan A until you are completely ready for Plan B; the Harleys recommend about a month.
delay delay delay the divorce
chances are that the new will wear off the OW as soon as he sees that she does not meet the ENs.
Finally, do not listen to what he says. He is stupid and a liar right now. Trust me. At some point everything he is saying right now he will take back.
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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I will have to take it then...I wouldn't be the first mom to raise her kids without a father....
I will deal with what life throws me.... Um. No. Correction. YOUR CHILDREN will have to deal with what THEIR PARENTS threw at them. Not you. I understand all of your requests to fight him tooth and nail for money....really..... But I know him better than anyone else and I know we wouldn't be friendly after this.... Besides....I checked into it and according to the research and everybody divorced I talked to I wouldn't get any more money out of him than what's already stated in the decree..... And isn't it better for the children to have parents that can get along than parents that shoot lightening bolts from their eyes and spit fire every time they talk to each other ????
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 I am so f***ing frustrated right now, you have no idea !!!!!!! I want to scream and yell at the top of my lungs !!!!! I CANNOT STALL THE DIVORCE !!!! Here in Texas (no fault state) one can get a divorce no matter what !!!! My husband is dead set on divorcing and he won't change his mind right now.... If there was a waiting period for it (like 6 months or a year - like in Germany) then I'm positive I could convince him to give us another chance....because that will give me time to prove my sincerity..... But there is not and I already stalled as much as possible by not signing and making love bank deposits..... If I was to involve another lawyer he would be livid and resent me even more than now.... I know him.....it would mean divorce no matter what..... Trust me, please....I'm begging all of you !!!!If I'd see a way to stall the divorce without him resenting me more and even hating me I would !!!!!!! Besides the point that it would cost even more money (that I don't have and he doesn't want to spend)....and you all know by now money is a big issue for him..... He can't see and doesn't believe that there is another chance for us and he won't back off from divorce..... He might realize it in the future, but there's no way out right now..... I wish there was a way.... But in my case....if anything positive was to happen, it would be after the divorce.... Unless my letter to him (I gave him yesterday) is magically changing his mind..... I'm frustrated because you all think I don't want to try to prevent the divorce .....
Last edited by lostwithouthim; 12/19/10 08:57 PM.
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I don't understand what you DO want to do. I cannot see what you are specifically requesting help with. Can you pose a question about your situation, please?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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You seriously want advice on how to fix your marriage after you're divorced? You have power here. You do not have to hand him the divorce right this minute. You may forever regret this action. Please listen to the people here, they want to help you now, before divorce!
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You seriously want advice on how to fix your marriage after you're divorced? You have power here. You do not have to hand him the divorce right this minute. You may forever regret this action. Please listen to the people here, they want to help you now, before divorce! I cannot prevent the divorce Texas
File a dissolution of marriage petition under the default laws of the state. The non petitioning spouse will be given a specific time in which to respond to the divorce summons and if she or he fails to do so, the judge can grant the divorce decree according to the terms that are stated within.
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It seems that you are looking for opinions on whether there is the chance that he will "give it a try" after the divorce. I'm unconvinced about the value of opinions. Will it really help you if 65% of people tell you that there is a chance, and 45% tell you that there isn't? Are these opinions going to have any effect on the actual outcome? The reason why many of us are here helping others with the MB programme is that it has clear plans of action for marriages in crisis. This forum is not just for debate and opinion; it is here to translate Dr Harley's plans and recommendations into concrete actions in specific situations. It is action-oriented, and it is effective. I see that you came here from another forum. I don't know which that was, but it seems that it did not recommend finding out more about the woman in the pictures and exposing the affair. Very few programmes that I have come across recommend exposure as a tool to end an affair as the MB programme does. As well as exposure, MB recommends that you enter Plan A for a about a month while you demonstrate willingness to meet your WH's emotional needs, followed by Plan B, where you separate from him and leave OW to meet all his needs. During Plan B you have no direct contact with your H. You use an intermediary to pass urgent messages between you, and you use another IM (or the same one) to handle pick-ups and drop-offs with the children. The main effect of Plan B is to protect the BS from the direct assaults of the ongoing affair. It also removes the support that the BS gives the WS, forcing the WS to rely on OW to meet his needs. Since a skanky affair partner is not usually good at meeting all the emotional needs, and she cannot meet the need for family commitment, the affair often crumbles sooner than it would otherwise. The couple then commit to a plan of recovery, which involves each person meeting the other's ENs and spending at least 20 hours per week alone together talking and enjoying sex, affection and recreational activities (no kids, friends or TV). The couple puts extraordinary protections in place to ensure that no secret second life can allow another affair to develop (or the old one to restart). They might have to move home, or the WS might have to change jobs, to ensure no contact for life between the affair partners. MB is about action. The plans are designed to bring about changes in behaviour. People here on MB are advising you to act because we have seen the effects of action on many marriages here. We have also seen the sad effects of inaction. The divorce in your case has proceeded to the stage where it will be final this week, and you will not, in any case, take our advice to expose properly. Your H might wake up after divorce and he might not. I suspect that if you remain friends with him he will be happy with the choice he has made and will see no reason to change his lifestyle.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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File a dissolution of marriage petition under the default laws of the state. The non petitioning spouse will be given a specific time in which to respond to the divorce summons and if she or he fails to do so, the judge can grant the divorce decree according to the terms that are stated within. Did you fail to respond to the divorce summons? Could you have responded with "I don't agree to this divorce"? For how long would that have delayed the divorce? Are you saying that a judge is about to grant the decree because you did not oppose the divorce? I doubt that opposing the divorce on the grounds that you love your H and want to work on the marriage could have made things worse, as you imply. Do you really believe that your H would have hated you for fighting for your marriage, in an act of love? I'm sure that a lawyer could have advised you what to do to delay this process. People can be divorced against their will, but it usually takes longer if they fight.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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On Labor Day weekend he told me he wants a divorce...:eek:
Claiming he has been unhappy for years.....I'm taking him for granted, don't appreciate him and don't respect him.....
..............................
I begged and pleaded, cried and cried, but he said he didn't love me anymore, only as the mother of our children.....
I texted that after 10 years he owes me the truth....he will get his divorce, but he owes me the truth about that ******......
Next day he was distant.....I asked him about her again....he just laughed at me.....I said "I have pictures"....and he said cold "Nothing with me in it!".....
That was it....
I wrote him a final letter saying how much I loved him and such and that he will get his divorce, since I can't force him to love me....
I put it in his car when he went to work.... Gosh, lost, For someone who does not want a divorce, you have done all you can to facilitate it. Begging and pleading and crying and crying didn't cut it. After that failed you should have got off your knees and entered a counter-plea, not signed the papers. And here you are. Where else could you be, having co-operated with this?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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