@ Held Held High, thank you for the input. I agree, we are both accountable for actions. Being the Major issue in our marriage, i have so much to fix in behavior. In the mean time, i am going to try and work at Walking tall. Thanks for the kudos, I appreciate that.

UPDATE: Had my first call with Dr. Harley today, he was gracious, spent some extra time with me, and we were able to start compiling a road Map.

Heres where i am at, Wcame over and filled out the LB and EN qeustionaire. Can i just say i am Shocked, i had no idea, wish i would have had this information long long ago. On the EN qeustionaire, she filled out everything thorough except for answering the questions in regards to... How could this be better in your Marriage. Did not answer the last question on each of the 10 EN'S. Dr. Harley not surprised.

It is so hard to ride this emotional roller coaster when every signal I am getting from Spouse, Verbal and Non Verbal says she is done. I ofter wonder, if she had the $600 would she file papers today. (have my fingers crossed her parents dont pay for it)

How are, or did others of you Cope with the emontional Roller Coaster, how do you maintain your Resolve to Fight for your Marriage? I know now, as i adopt the core behaviors of MB i am going to be a Fantastic Husband. I want that to Be with W , Its a slow Journey and i cant help but think she will not be willing to wait 4,5,6 or 12 months to really see the big picture as changes of Behavior Evolve and grow.

Why isnt MB taught in College or Forced be4 u get a Marriage license...(if i had only known) I know now, so i am taking that as a Fabulous Positive. Its been a long emotional roller coaster day, my Session was at 9am this morning, and is all i have focused on all day.

Wife has removed her ring...
All contact is initiated by me...
I am doing my best now to avoid all Love Busters...

How can i show Her, her #1 EN which is Affection without applying pressuer, or her feeling like i am manipulating or coering her. (Very Confused Here)

As always, thank you so much to everyone contributing and supporting me, i cant thank you enough.

Looking forward to Responses...

Warmest Regards,
RR

Hi RR,



Start slow. When you meet with her and you have a good time and then feel like a hug - ask her if its okay. There's nothing wrong with asking.



Don't overwhelm yourself with the what ifs of the future. The reality is you may end up losing your wife even after your efforts. At least you can walk away knowing you did your best and gave it 100% - she won't be able to say the same. Hopefully you being her best friend will help open the door returning to love and save the marriage.

Gg

GG,
thanks for the words of encouragement, and the ideas on Affection.

Just got off the phone with her, me initiating contact. She was warm then Cold. on then off . She did ask about my appointment with Dr. Harley. Told her it was fantastic and enlightening. Got her to agree to review the 10 concepts and give me her perspective on its foundations.

She comments, i sure hope you can change this so your next wife or relationship does not go through what i did. Work really hard at it. Then says... Do you understand now, why i didnt want to go another round with you. <---I said, yes at this time i understand why.
(I felt like a wuss for not saying something like, Ya, but you left our Marriage and I am working to change it, you have given up. But i kept it to myself.) Its times like these when its the toughest. She makes a point to Re-Iterate every time we are on the phone she is done. (This part is very depressing)

I know its all part of the process, she is so sensitive i have to walk on eggshells right now. I know the MB principal changes are Imminent for me and with these we could have an incredible Marriage. I just wish she could see it, and give me some time to Show her. I constantly feel like the clock is ticking at a High rate of speed, she has her ring off, shes going to a Big New Years Party, and repeatedly tells me its over, done, shes out.

Thanks...

RR

@RR -


This could be a very good way to have a conversation. To let her know that you understand her position on this, but that it is very hurtful to you. Of course do it without LB.

I think that being open and honest in your relationship with your wife has been absent. You are being her lighthouse right now. You are showing her by your actions what it can be like to be in a recovered marriage with you. Being open and honest with your feelings about the things she says to you could be a good place to start. Remember NO LB. For me it is so much easier for me to LB when I get emotional. Talking about my feelings is emotional for me.

Does your wife believe that you have given up on your marriage and this is all part of you moving on?

I think you really need to be clear that you are fighting for your marriage. DON'T MISLEAD HER! This is only my opinion. Maybe others might have a different take on this.

@Clark
Ty for some more insight. Heres the update, its either going to be ok, or shoot me in the foot. However, not a whole lot too lose.

She was able to vent again tonight 2 me on the phone, she talked about how are wedding was not what she wanted, and the no Honeymoon, and i found out about a horrible conversation she had with my mom the night be4. I let her get it all out, showed love and care, and practiced being a good listener.

I almost LB a couple of times during the 1 hour conversation, like you i get emotional. We discussed my call with Dr. Harley some today, and i continually emphisized that i was ignorant, made tons of mistakes. But with the new education i was getting, which would take TIME, i knew without a doubt over time i would make a great husband. A husband who could treat her with the Care she deserved and Cherish her.

I also told her, i didnt want a divorce, i shared my feelings and shared with her exactly what i wanted. For her to remain where she is, for me to remain here, for Me to work on myself.

In the meantime, we would talk via the phone and go out on one or two fun dates a week, no stress no pressure. That i need time to get my education so i can SHOW her by action rather than Words.(In the past its always words, and thats how we end up in the vicious cycle.)

She didnt say yes, and didnt say no, she said, i want a break from you, i need time, i dont want to talk to you for at least a week. (with care i said, i understand, and care. Take the time you need when your ready you call me.)<----was trying hard not to LB with Disrespectful Judgement. I told her how much i care, that i thought we could have an incredible marriage that we both deserved, but i needed time to improve my education and work on me.

That was the end of the call...we hung up i told her i care and i love you...

Any thoughts....What could i have done better? Was that applying pressure by expressing what i want? (friend said yes under the circumstances) i think it was time to stand up for my position and not be a doormat, but still operate with Care, Compassion and Love. She has shared more with me on the phone over the last 3 calls then over the last 3 years. Only thing, she was crying again tonight, and said she has cried every day since leaving and she was ready to stop crying. (i didnt know what to say)

Warmest Regards,
RR

She asked for a week. Give it to her. I think its great that you are getting some historical honesty. You've expressed to her that you want to fight for your marriage. The next time you talk, stop talking about the state of your marriage. Just talk to her. Use inquiry to find out how her week went.

Remember when you were dating. Did all you talk about is the state of your relationship? NOPE!

Sit tight, wait the week.

RR,
I think you're doing everything you can right now - in time you will be able to do more. Clark is right on the dating thing - stay focused on that. Giving her a week means no txt, no phone, no mail, no contact - respect her wishes.

Gg

@GG thanks for the input...

Update: 4:00pm aint love grand.. Amazing how when u try to do something respectful, you still hit an LB. Urggg...

Wife agreed last night to review MB concepts, i printed out all 57 pages, plus love busters, and EN's. Included the book, His needs Her Needs. Packaged up in envelope. At the last part of call last night, she said: I need to get you out of my head for awhile i need a break, i will call you next week. I am like great, i repect your need for time. Take all you need...i am here working on me MB concepts to save our marriage, she is still saying she wants to go seperate ways.

Heres my FUBAR in an attempt to help her out so she didnt have to come bye today (trying to respect her need for some alone time) i took the envelope with all the materials to a Mutual Friends house. (Her best friend, and one of my Good Friends) Best friend does not know i have moved 3 weeks ago, right down the street, and informs me W has shared almost nothing with her at all. Wife is private. We end up visiting for 2 hours, she asks about MB as she is wondering why i am so calm and Peaceful. I share some of it with her, and tell her, i am focused on me, and Fighting to save my Marriage, i dont want a divorce. Further, i explain to her, under the principals and new info, that i know i can be a Fantastic Husband over time. She was pretty excited.

I leave, she calls Wife, tells wife there is package here and we ended up visiting for 2 hours. Also tells wife, i was trying to respect her privacy and that she could have all the No Contact time she needed. That i would wait til i heard from her, and give her space.

That call lasted 2 mins between the 2. Wife calls me, Raging mad, and Crying again for the 12 day in a row. Understand, she is sensitive and crying is ok, ragin mad, not like her at all.

Wife acts like she feels betrayed, hurt that i did that. I explained that i was trying to be respectful of NC, i had put some money in the envelope that i know she needed, and the last thing i wanted to do was hurt her. ( Dam my Wife is Sensitive)She is like, i was coming to get it today, i knew i said i would. ( i am thinking but did not say, no call , no text, no come by, what am i too think?) The last thing she says, i will call you next week, the week after, or maybey weeks after that. Again, thanks to MB Principals...[/b I was able to stay calm through the whole thing, relaxed, and no LB ing. Focused on comfort, care and support. It was easily actually even when i was under fire. I expressed to her i was sorry that she felt like i made her feel that way.

I really hate these roller coaster rides... I also told her, we did not talk about her, it was about me, MB and outside things. [b](she acted like i was crazy, Wth do you guys talk about for 2 hours)

I know she is still very emotional right now, but i have never heard her speak to me like this. I know emotions can change fast, but Darn It, its times like these when i feel the effort is futile and falling on deaf ears. I know its about being a LIGHTHOUSE I guess time is going to tell on this one, i know she cant afford to File Divorce Papers, but i sure got a Knot in my stomache after this call.

Thanks for listening...I can see MB working well in the rest of my life and interactions with Wife.

All input always appreciated.

RR

WooHoo! @RR, I asked you how do you go from withdrawal to intimacy. So how do you?

I do have a question. Does she act jealous?

@RR -


What is this? Maybe she has a right to be sensitive. Why do you think she is sensitive? IDK, only she does. Remember inquiry is a good conversation starter. If I was to hazard a guess, it would be: HER FREAKIN' MARRIAGE IS OVER.

RR,
I have a different take on this. She was used to things being a certain way for many years. Her parents are her soft pillow to fall. YOU are changing all that. She is fearful because she does not know what these changes will bring. This is why she is confused. It's no longer just changing the marriage - its changing the her life. Do I make sense?

Gg

I suspect that, if I met your wife, I wouldn't assume she was 'sensitive' in the least. I would assume she was HARD.

She got her money. She's good.

RR, do NOT help your WW conduct her A! Do NOT roll over for her! And QUIT GIVING HER MONEY. If she needs marital money it needs to be for MARITAL THINGS.

Clark LOL, Thanks.

I know she has to come from Shutdown, to Conflict, to be lead back to intimicy. Its days like tody, i think, OH NO, if she had the money, she would go file. She was so pissed at me.

No, she has no jealous bones in her body. She didnt act jealous at all. Believe it or not, if 6 months down the road that friend and i started dating for some dumb reason. She would be the first to say congrats. (I know a little warped )

Clark what did you mean by this... (What is this? Maybe she has a right to be sensitive. Why do you think she is sensitive? IDK, only she does. Remember inquiry is a good conversation starter.) If I was to hazard a guess, it would be: HER FREAKIN' MARRIAGE IS OVER. (what are you saying? She is 100% completely done, and i should just throw in the towel, and quit going through this roller coaster ride?)

For what its worth, she says she has talked to know one, obviously when you dont tell your best friend anything, and wait to tell her 3 weeks later i moved right down the street... Thoughts?
Thanks RR

GG,
i think i get what your saying,but am still confused some. I am trying hard not to look into it. She is living in a camper in back of Moms, no money, no car, no Job, and somehow that is better than trying to work on our marriage with me, or at least give me some time to show her as i have asked. I am doing my best to be a her LIGHTHOUSE right now.

Trying to look at it through your eyes as you viewed it, do you really think if she was thinking that way, that she would keep telling me at least once every time we talk that its over. Or that we are finished, or i am a private person its my business, and when we finish this divorce maybey i will talk about it? ( I am not sure i get really confused myself sometimes ) She filled out the LB and EN questionaire, only on the terms that it was helping me help myself, so my next relationship was Healthy. (she is that kind of woman and one who still believes after all this, we could be friends and would want it that way) Its the no conflict, everyone happy, no sadness personality.

Any more thoughts...Today i am at peace and calmness but definately feeling like she has 100% made up her mind.

Thanks
RR

MaritalBliss,
Thank you for the insight..Couple of questions. You would love her as everyone else who meets her does. Warm, friendly, dependable and Attractive. Everyone loves her for sure. She just never ever shares her private feelings at all. THis has been one of our challenges.

I am trying to be tough, she doesnt ask for the money, i offer it. What is conduct her A?(sorry no idea) I feel like if i give her the NC, or in the past few weeks do not initiate contact, she has no opportunity to see the improvements with MB. (I am scared for sure without the contact she cant see it, words with her will not work only action. In the past its always been words) Today friend, noticed immediate difference within 4 minutes of me being there and commented.

Looking for more input now...I guess i keep feeling that if i lose Contact, she cant see the action, therefore she is done. (keep in mind, her first divorce, we were together for 5 years before i found out they were not legally divorced, so without the money, its not on her priorty list. Its almost like right now, its just a piece of paper, she has taken off her Ring.)

Thanks for your input...I am all ears.

RR

IMHO, she is trying to convince herself that her marriage with you is over. That in its self puts her on the roller-coaster. This would definitely fall into what @gg is saying. She's had this idea it is over with you and here you are talking to friends about how you're going to be "Fighting to save my Marriage". Then she is now seeing this new.

Keep up the Plan A, except I think @mb has a point about funding her waywardness.

MaritalBliss,
No evidence of A from RR wife.

RR,
I guess what I'm saying is she's probably dealing with things she's never had to deal with before - getting friend involved in your marriage (unintentionally) because you're trying to become great husband. This makes her look bad if she doesn't want to work on marriage. Although you may think she's 100% decided it may very well be because she's undecided that she is confused and angry. She's not going to admit to you she's undecided - she's to fearful of repeating past. She's dealing with alot right now - seeing a husband breakout of behavior patterns of the past - has to decide if she wants to invest in future - a future unknown to her - either with or without you. I think her confusion, anger is a good thing. Indifference would be bad.

Gg

A or no, I would not suggest that RR give his spouse money in order to conduct her independent behavior.

I suspect there is an affair.

Clark, Thank you very much i get it now. Total Sense... See below please.



GG, thank you so much, you explained it perfectly, and i was not even thinking down that perspective. I know we have to get to some kind of conflict in order to get back to intimacy. My biggest concern, was the NC, and her just locking me out, and with NC, she cant observe behavior. Friend saw it within 4 minutes.

GG, Clark and MaritalBliss, Just want all 3 of you to know how much your posts and support have meant to me over the last week. Your continued interaction and insight has kept me sane, on track, and given me incredible insight. Without you, MB and this forum, i would be the lost ship at sea in the bermuda triangle.

Just wanted you to know how much i appreciate you, your support and your time investment.

Thank you from the bottom of my Heart...

RR