Well once you get to the conference, they discuss all the info about affairs. End within 36 mos, the lying, deceit, etc. Then they start talking about how to rebuild your marriage the right way (seems they use a lot of dr. harleys stuff as well). I want to get him to go to see that yes, there is still a chance! I can't seem to do it any other way. I am willing to try Plan b again but how do I handle pass offs for visitations?? That is my question.. how do I do it before I determine if I can do plan b or not?

You have not done a proper Plan B. There is to be NO contact with the wayward during Plan B.

An IM is an Intermediary. This person should be someone you trust who can accept communication from WH during Plan B, and will be able to weed out the bs he'll try to spout to re-engage you.

You do not have ANY contact with WH during Plan B.

I guess not, not the way the book describes. So I guess the IM would also have to do drop offs/pickups for my children as well. How do you handle him trying to come to the house, etc? It is still his house, however he can't get in b/c locks have been changed. How long would it take to do this plan b (or how long should i do it for)? I'll go back to the library and check the book out tomorrow.

i read your story-so sorry. your ws is more messed up than mine(jk)
oh my, i am sure those here can help you. i decided against plan B as my atty said a legal separation leads to D almost always, costs a lot and just delays the inevitable.
and actions speak louder than words-my ws continues occasionally to tell me he loves me but seems to be getting rather cozy in his new found bachelor ways....
blessings coming atcha!

Thanks mom! I am actually reading your thread right now as I type this! My WH is soooooooooooooooo far in lala it's ridiculous. He has completely changed his life to accomodate her. WE are talking clothes, mannerisms, spending habits, eating habits, activities, EVERYTHING. He has even walked away from the majority of his friends now. NO ONE (except maybe his family) agrees with what he is doing....

I am unsure if I am going to plan b at this point in time. I will continue to be pleasant, work on myself, focus on myself and my boys, focus on schoolwork, and getting back into shape. I will consider plan b possibly after returning from the conference OR if he chooses not to go. At this point he is considering so I don't want to slam any doors on that at this point. However, the restraining order will be checked into next week........... what a freakin mess. I feel like I am living a Lifetime movie.....

Best of luck to you too mom.... I am on page 30 right now so I still have a little ways left ot go to get caught up on yours tory.

my story never culminated in proof-ws split with his blackberry, laptop and 2nd phone. i had a p i who trailed him for a week, but alleged ow was out of country, did find though that while ws was apartment hunting during that time, he looked at two apartments 30miles from our home, and incidently halfway closer to HER hometown.
i truly continue to pray for my ws and for our M, but i can certainly see my future without him now, sadly.
i hope you get the legal protection you need for your boys-that is the difficult part for me plan B'ing. we have no family in our new state and i have no intermediary person to help with transferring the kids...
blessings coming to you and those darling boys

What about your neighbors you are friends with?? Surely you have to know SOMEONE that could do this! A friend from church.... someone! Which state do you live?

NLF, most of the BS's here are living a lifetime movie or an episode of Springer.
I know you want to get your WH to this "conference"; but my fear for you is that the A has not ended and the conference or any amount of counseling will not make any difference until he has ended the A.
Your WH is an alien who will do anything to maintain his current lifestyle. The point of plan B is to protect yourself. By protecting yourself you will also be emotionally stronger to help your children through some of this mess.

My WXH also would not the A; and no amount of exposure, plan A, or plan B deterred him from the path of self destruction. It was finally apparent that the path I would have to take was to walk away and re-build my life.
Hope this helps some.

Thanks mymissy! He is totally an alien... he has changed into someone noone knows......beard and all. Apparently, the conference is supposed to help end affairs and they have a great track record at doing so. I have the article printed out to give my husband that was recommend earlier and then I am thinking about going to plan b. I am going to talk to my friend about helping me with it and dropping kids off for me/meeting him with kids for visitations. Depending on how this weekend goes, he may not be getting visitations any more if he is continuing to sleep over at her house with the kids. He wouldn't like it if I were sleeping at another man's house with the kids so why on Earth is HE??? Well, b.c he doesn't think I would and he is the exception to the rule apparently. Right now he is INVINCIBLE>

So WH dropped the kids off and the first thing my oldest son says is, "we stayed at (OW) house ALL weekend!" So I told him that was it.... I had it. He wasn't thinking about the kids and only himself. I told him he lost his visitations until I had time to talk to my attorney. I was told it is going to be very hard to get a restraining order against her.

WHAT ELSE DO I DO?!!!

Can u file for a seperation and talk to ur atty about setting some rules on how the kids can not stay at ows house or have her be around ur kids?

Divorce has been filed in October. He and I had agreed that the children will not stay the night at her house. I don't know what I can do about keeping her away from the kids but I did tell him his visitations are now over since he is NOT putting the kids welfare as a #1 priority. This is a confusing enough time for them as it is; they don't need more confusion about why they are staying the night at another woman's house knowing that we are still married. My son asks why daddy sleeps in her room while they stay the night there and why she calls her bedroom hers and daddys bedroom if daddy's not living there. I have sent an email to my attorney about this and hope to hear from him tomorrow.

NLF, just read your thread.

You need a PLAN today. You are all over the place. Re-read your thread.

Maybe you are in Plan A
Maybe you are in Plan B

Stop talking about your feelings, stop trying to get him into this conference, stop trying to reason with him.

All you are doing is driving him closer to the OW. Like you I dwelled on the OW instead of getting into a good plan.

Plan A is a way to show you are capable of meeting his ENs but without begging, pleading, and trying to let him "see the light".

Expose but be very careful of exposing the OW's lifestyle unless you have positive proof. She can get you on defamation of character.

Get a counselor who can make a recommendation that in the best interest of the children only day visition or not at OW till after the divorce and continued counseling (which he will have to pay). Tell the counselor what your children are witnessing and how stressful it is for them.

Quit all the emails. If he calls you or emails you don't answer for a few days unless it is about the children.

Detach Detach Detach.

I know how difficult it is to watch how they become aliens. This A will destruct on its own, especially with the fighting and arguments.

Have you talked to OW XH. Maybe he can shed some light on their situation and see if she is a serial cheater. Find out what you can about her without letting h know.

Be a parent to your children. Take time for yourself and be still. It takes time and prayer.

blessings.

Yes, I have proof of the things she has done... straight from HER mouth. She and her XH were very close friends of ours. I don't talk to XH as he is trying to move forward and he's done with her but I am still trying to save what is possibly left. I am meeting with my counselor today and also emailed my attorney. He is coming tonight to get some stuff I asked him to and the kids and I will NOT be here. I am not going to be returning calls or emails either. I talked to a friend last night about going to plan b.

As you said, I need to stop reasoning. I realized that last night in bed. I am done. It is time for plan b. Luckily, I have the kids the next 2 weekends so it is prime time.

I did try plan A.... I am not going back to that b/c when I tried to meet his needs, all he did was get nasty to me and I was even more frustrated. So yes, plan b is what I need to do.

So.... I will start looking into plan b. I will meet with my friend tonight and see if she will be the IM. I have no other choices. I need to figure out a letter also. Anyone have any good examples I should check out or reference to write mine?

Thanks again for your advice. I do feel all over the place, and my actions are showing it. I kinda feel like I am bipolar or something! (I am not though!)

So, my DS just came home from school and said that OW son told him at recess today that my WH and OW are getting.


MARRIED! Nice.....

NLF, I am so sorry that you had to hear such news. It really is time for you to move to a very dark plan B; you need to protect yourself and be emotionally strong for your children. Right now there is no reasoning or understanding; but again I stress how important it is for you to remove yourself and detach. Make a plan and stick to it. Again I am sorry you had to hear that, I know how much news from the alien side can hurt.
Hugs and prayers; come here and vent your feelings often, you will need to.

Thank you so much. I went to go get the book last night but neither of the book stores in town had it. I am currently working on plan b. It is going to be hard b/c WH wants to attend dr appts and such with the kids. He did in the past as well but honestly, just seeing him last night invoked such rage in me, I wanted to strangle him. He totally is in a deeeeeeeeeeeep fog!!! I just can't stand to see him like this. He is in a relationship (if you want to call it that) with a woman who is so controlling and even my kids are telling me they don't want to go over there and they DEF don't want him to marry her. I know everyone says that affairages don't last but this is about the most painful thing to experience. Sometimes I feel like running away from him and my "so called friend" would be so easier. I find myself praying that nothing tragic ever happens to me b/c I don't ever want this OW to take my place as the boys' mother....if that were to happen.

Starting Plan B./.... any suggestions? Letter written, intermediary is on board, and have people to help with drop offs and pick ups.

Yes....STAY DARK

My counselor was in agreement with my idea and I spoke with my brother about it. He isn't so sure b/c I am dragging more people into it and accommodating him too much. He believes that in order to bring him back to reality, he needs to have someone else also be doing pick ups and such. He wonders why I am doing all the work in this? I said b/c I am the one who needs to separate from him. I can't see him any more and it hurts me too much to constantly try to remind him of what he is doing to the kids.

Kids are lined up to see a psychologist and hopefully that will shed some insight into what he is doing to the kid psychologically. I am also hoping that maybe this will make it easier to keep OW AWAY from my kids.

I am praying that God is going to lead the way on this one....