Brief synopsis...

Married 6 years, second marriage for both, she has 2 sons 16 & 13. We were high school sweethearts but broke up when I went away to college (she was a year behind in school). I looked her up during my divorce a few years back. It was the easiest, most intense relationship I ever had, madly in love.

After we got married, by mutual decision based on what we thought was best for the family, I left my job and became Mr Mom which I have been doing ever since. I have a good income from my IRA, so I also contribute financially. The boys and I have a very good relationship.

During the financial meltdown a few years ago things got pretty tight and I was feeling the pressure as I watched staggering sums of money evaporate. WW was having trouble at work and wanted to quit her job. I told her that she couldn't quit as we would need her income for at least the foreseeable future. Since she got zero empathy from me she began to mentally pack it in.

I found out she had been having a PA with another old flame back in August. I confronted her and she admitted everything. It was an EA for less than 3 months and a PA for less than a month. While I was putting my exposure plan together she announced it was over, NC was in place, MC was set up and she was going to give the M her best shot. I chose at that point not to expose.

I had a ton of monitoring in place - email, cell phone records, facebook, credit cards, gps, everything. Plus OM was 200 miles away which made things at least difficult to avoid detection. I checked up a lot - even to the point of checking her odometer and once in while cheking to see if she was shere she claimed to be. Everything always checked out.

Today she went to an exercise class. I checked her work cell phone while she was inside, and there it was. She called OM on the way there.

So here I am back at ground zero, I feel just battered. So for the experts out there - yes, I know you told me so. Nuclear exposure is happening this week for certain. Her mother, brothers, everyone on POSOM's fb friends list, his ex, everyone. My question is do I confront first, expose first, collect more data, what? Right now all I have is that one phone call.

I exposed the relatives first (they usually are the ones that ill go nuclear, if they love their children, they'll confront them, too--which happened in my case). My father in law didn't need any proof he believes I am a honest man but her sister was different... so you might need proof, too.

The friends were like cluster bombs, they started texting everyone and before long it was if the town knew.

All that helped tick off the OM and make him retreat to his brokenhearted wife.

Is this OM married?

So you are saying that if WS continued with affair you would have Exposed. Well she has continued the affair. So Expose!

All that time between confronting WS and now is wiped out.

It's as if you confronted and the first thing she did was call the OM. EXPOSE!

OM is married but seperated

I do not need further convincing on exposure

You confronted they went underground now you expose, no pea shooter tactics, full exposure, hit the target audience fast, as for the OM take him down inform his family, friends and if you can his co workers. Make it very uncomfortable for him.

As for your wife, let her company know she is conducting an affair using company propery and time, she has to feel the heat at work as she has most certainly been using their facilities for the affair.

I would start with his wife and then work your way out. Include the kids in this exposure, because they will need to know too.

fight4life, by the way, I am so sorry this is happening to you.

One of the many reasons I'm really disappointed is because I've been doing a stellar plan A. Not once have I raised my voice, made a accusation or judgment, or dismissed her. Not once. And she freely admits that I have been doing everything she's asked of me. We spend a ton of recreational time together and in many ways our marriage is much better than before. I wouldn't say its 100% but so might has been addressed and she's slowly gotten more engaged. This is seriously disorienting.

Hello Fight4life,

Not really disorienting when you understand what an affair is. She is getting her EN's met by BOTH of you. Why would she give up the OM when she can have both of you?

Kill the affair with exposure immediately. Your Plan A is not meant or expected to stop her affair, just for her to see that you CAN meet her EN's once the affair has been killed.

God bless.

Jim

fight, I wrote this to you about Plan A, in September:

It seems you didn't take in what I explained about Plan A.

fight, do you know that Plan A is only supposed to be a very short term plan until the affair ends? Plan A is one sided giving. You should have been in Plan Recovery all this time. I believe Sugarcane is right that your one sided giving has not been helpful to your marriage. It has essentially rewarded a cake eating spouse who appears to have been forgiven unconditionally. That only cemented her selfish, entitled behavior.

I agree with her opinion that skipping exposure has harmed your chances at recovery but am glad you can see the benefits of it now. It really does serve to wake up a WS.

You may have mentioned previously, but what was her marital status when you looked her up?

divorced for 7 years when I contacted her.

Mel -
I may have misused the term plan A. It was my belief that the affair was over. I beleive I read that Dr H says about 15% of waywards stop the A upon discovery. I had pretty good snooping in place which I relaxed somewhat as things continued to check out. I was very skeptical at first - 15% is like 1 in 7 - but no act caused me to raise an eyebrow. I eventually stepped up my snooping because its been 5 months and intimacy is still awkward.

Do you think I need to get a recording before I expose? Or do I just blow everyone up asap?

I think you would be better off getting a recording before you expose. I suspect there has been contact all along. How do you think she has been doing it?

i have a recorder, just have to figure out how to work the damn thing. It'll be in her car tomorrow AM.

she used her personal cell exclusively pre dday. She continued to use for about a few days and tehn suddenly announced that it was over and that phone has been clean ever since. I know she is reluctant to use work email/phone because things are checked pretty closely there and there have been instances where emails have been read by management. I found the call on her work cell this AM. I checked it in her car while she was doing yoga. I have done that several times in the past but it was always clean. She was probably just more careful to delete the call record before.

I bet you are correct.

okay I figured out this VAR. Turned off the LED and beeper on it. Found a spot in her car that is unlikely to be discovered and tested it. I am completely disgusted with what my M has become.

Do you have access to the phone records? I'm assuming you have OM's phone number memorized or written down in a safe place.

I'm confused.

You said


And then you said
I don't mean to split hairs, but were you in the process of divorcing when you looked her up, or had you been divorced for years before you looked her up? It can't be both.