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thank you all for your words of support...I was in near total emotional meltdown. I have been tightly controlled since dday1 which was in August. I have not let her see me cry, I have not raised my voice or been disrespectful in any way, not once.
But tonight (last night?? WTF) I was just too exhausted to give a hang. I cried my mother-lovin' eyes out. I think she was aghast at the depth of my pain and had to stand in the impact of her actions for the first time. After I finally got a grip she lost it herself and declared "I am a horrible person!" and had a meltdown of her own.
I told her she's not a horrible person, she just a person who did a horrible thing and the choice is hers whether or not to correct it or live with it.
BS (me) 49
WW 49
married 6 years
dday1 8/23/10 NC 9/3/10
NC broken 12/10
dday2 2/6/11
NC2 3/5/11
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regarding the boys...
This is a very touchy subject for me. They are not my biological children so my future access to them depends entirely on the goodwill of WW. She can divorce me 12 times but I will NEVER NEVER abandon them. She has not threatened to do this and acknowledges that I am the best thing that's ever happened to them, but using them as a tool will go over like a lead balloon.
Their father didn't see them but once or twice a year for a long time, but now sees them for 24 hours about every 6 weeks. In between he doesn't call or text. They flat out hate him and wish they never had to see him. I don't want them to have to suffer loss again, ever. They've paid more than their fair share.
So how do I proceed without unduly messing with their lives?
BS (me) 49
WW 49
married 6 years
dday1 8/23/10 NC 9/3/10
NC broken 12/10
dday2 2/6/11
NC2 3/5/11
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You could possibly adopt them, if WW is open to this. This idiot father of theirs sounds like he would eagerly give it up if it meant he didn't have to pay child support (if he does now), which you can add as a stipulation--he can sign away parental rights.
On the other hand, adopting them would leave you open to paying child support if you and WW ever divorced.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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I consulted an attorney about adoption a while back, but when I found out that he would have to sign away his rights, we realized that wasn't gonna happen. He has paid CS religously for 13 years and at that time was trying to get WW to alter custody agreement (she has sole custody, but he still has rights & responsibilities).
Exposure is starting to have an impact on her. I've done my part, I think I'll just try to keep things quiet for a few days and see if the conflict in her mind boils over. She's in a bad place emotionally right now, which I guess is where we want her to be.
BS (me) 49
WW 49
married 6 years
dday1 8/23/10 NC 9/3/10
NC broken 12/10
dday2 2/6/11
NC2 3/5/11
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fight,
There is absolutely no reason to hide your emotions and your hurt because of what has happened to your life. Your wife should know and feel what pain she has caused you.
You are right the choice to either fix the mistake she made or live with the consequences is the question for her. Give her time to process her choices and just be the man she married.
As far as the boys, you think she has all the power, what you forget is the boys love you and need you in their lives, she knows it, they know it, you will not lose them.
Let her feel the brunt of her decisions. Self reflection is something you want to happen. The fog should be lifting soon..........
Hang in there, be that great dad you are and just keep yourself busy...........
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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well WW cried all morining as she got ready for work. Said she is going to call her therapist. She stopped seeing him while she was in NC a couple of months ago.
I am guardedly hopeful that the reality of the quandry she's created is beginning to seep thru the fog.
BS (me) 49
WW 49
married 6 years
dday1 8/23/10 NC 9/3/10
NC broken 12/10
dday2 2/6/11
NC2 3/5/11
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That's AWESOME fight4life! I hope this is the beginning of a recovery for you.
BS(me)- 45
WW - 41
D-day 1 - (PA) 01/2011
DS - 6
Exposure: early 02/2011
Started Plan B - 7/11
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thanks Andy. At least my dog still loves me and today that's enough to survive
BS (me) 49
WW 49
married 6 years
dday1 8/23/10 NC 9/3/10
NC broken 12/10
dday2 2/6/11
NC2 3/5/11
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well WW cried all morining as she got ready for work. Said she is going to call her therapist. She stopped seeing him while she was in NC a couple of months ago.
I am guardedly hopeful that the reality of the quandry she's created is beginning to seep thru the fog. This is very bad news. I would not encourage her to see a therapist and I hope she doesn't follow through. You may end up separated and divorced over this. fight, can you persuade her to counsel with one of the Marriage Builders coaches instead? They are pro marriage and will counsel her in a way that will help your marriage, not harm it. See, an IC will persuade her to make decisions on her current state of mind [fogginess] not realizing the effect her affair has on her mind. What they often recommend is a "trial separation," which is devastating to marriage. A therapist will counsel her on individual desires [of the moment] and not to the benefit of the marriage. The reason this is a disaster is because most people place credibility on the word of a "counselor" and often follow through on bad advice.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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its not a disaster. I know he helped her see that she created falsely negative perceptions of me and our M in order to justify the A, and told her to be honest with me regardless of the fallout.
She will not see a MC yet - doesnt want to give me "false hope". She has no conception of a plan, not as much as the first step. Right now she has the idea of getting thru the school year before doing anything, which she now know will require NC. She doesn't know whether to poop or wind her watch.
I've taken it as a good sign that she is conflicted enough to look for guidance. She'll find out soon enough that there is no way forward without compromising herself as human being, a mother, etc. and that OM wants his A but can't put her or her kids in a position to sustain it.
BS (me) 49
WW 49
married 6 years
dday1 8/23/10 NC 9/3/10
NC broken 12/10
dday2 2/6/11
NC2 3/5/11
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Fight you are winning this so far, I have been on here a while also with a WW. There are guys who win and guys who lose and you can tell quick who is who. Your path looks good so far so just hang on. Its a roller coaster. It really is, there bad patches still to come. You are doing great but I know it does not seem that way. And you are in the best hands.
BTW steve's counselling is great, I have done both his and other counselling to try to save my marriage. He surprised me with how concise he was. No wasted effort or time. If you can get WW to go, do it.
FBH,Dad
No half measures, in anything.
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Reynolds -
Good God, thank you for that. I really think certain realities are beginning to dawn:
she can't do the right thing and keep the OM
she can't protect her children and keep the OM
she can't be a good person and keep the OM
she can't maintain her lifestyle and keep the OM
keeping the OM means selling out everything - marriage, family, extended family, her image with her kids, EVERYTHING.
while I doubt all that has been absorbed the fantasy is definitely shattered
Last edited by fight4life; 02/09/11 01:04 PM.
BS (me) 49
WW 49
married 6 years
dday1 8/23/10 NC 9/3/10
NC broken 12/10
dday2 2/6/11
NC2 3/5/11
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Right now she has the idea of getting thru the school year before doing anything, Do not agree to this. I know you think that it keeps you married for another 5 months, but you need to realize it also keeps you in limbo for another 5 months. Force her hand. If she will not agree to give up the affair, make her go live in it. Make her move out (preferably without the boys) and go live in the basement with OM. That fantasy will fizzle pretty darn fast. But never never ever agree to let her continue the status quo for another 5 months. It will drive you out of your mind.
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no worries on that front, Lex.
Last night she said "we have to start thinking of ways to do this". I told her that I have one solution and I've offered it. If it doesn't involve restoring our M then I won't be a party to it. She knows the clock is ticking.
OM is 200 miles away in his brother's basement, content to destroy a family. Her intent, so far as she's able to articulate it, is to move out locally and carry on a long distance affair as a single mother with a full time job and to shield all of this from the boys. I didn't say it makes any sense
BS (me) 49
WW 49
married 6 years
dday1 8/23/10 NC 9/3/10
NC broken 12/10
dday2 2/6/11
NC2 3/5/11
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fight4life - the intent - except for the 200 mile distance - sounds vaguely familiar. I think my WW wants to be single, have no responsibilities, have fun, but have a family on the side (just in case). In case of what..I don't know.
BS(me)- 45
WW - 41
D-day 1 - (PA) 01/2011
DS - 6
Exposure: early 02/2011
Started Plan B - 7/11
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WW called from work...just want to make sure you'e okay (translation: please assuage my guilt).
Not sure if this is a MB answer, but I told her "aside from the obvious, yes, I'm not melting down if that's what you mean. Of course, the day isn't over."
I feel like I need a day when we're not on the bleeding edge of this thing. I haven't eaten since Sunday, unless celexxa and coffee is considered a meal.
Last edited by fight4life; 02/09/11 02:21 PM.
BS (me) 49
WW 49
married 6 years
dday1 8/23/10 NC 9/3/10
NC broken 12/10
dday2 2/6/11
NC2 3/5/11
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fight4life - Man, you've got to take care of yourself right now. Get to a gym, do a workout, go for a jog. Instead of sitting around mopping, get active (you'll be more 'attractive' to your WW) and be cheerful. I know you're going to have to act! At the very least it'll make her wonder what's going on with you. I've worked out more frequently in the last 6 weeks than I have in the last 4 years. I'm not eating as much or as well, so I've also dropped weight, about 15-18 pounds. I don't want to lose anymore, so I'm paying attention more now. I needed to lose those pounds anyway.
BS(me)- 45
WW - 41
D-day 1 - (PA) 01/2011
DS - 6
Exposure: early 02/2011
Started Plan B - 7/11
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okay. I feel like I have to get my ducks lined up here.
I completed exposure yesterday. Some evidence of the impact hitting WW but no signs of the fog lifting.
Hyper-emotional night/morning followed by a relatively calm day. Since there hasn't been any new fallout I believe she thinks I've accepted it.
Do I just plan A her for a few days? Should I let her know that I have no intention of giving up? How much of an impact can I reasonably expect?
I totally intend on keeping the pressure on, but it seems like it might be good to let what's been done sink in before dropping new bombs like contacting OM and putting the heat on him.
WW got a therapist appt for tomorrow. I'd like to tee up some food for thought before she goes in. Ideas?
BS (me) 49
WW 49
married 6 years
dday1 8/23/10 NC 9/3/10
NC broken 12/10
dday2 2/6/11
NC2 3/5/11
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Do I just plan A her for a few days?Should I let her know that I have no intention of giving up? Yes to both of these. For a few days you are in limbo ~ but ONLY a few days. Your mantra is "I am fighting for our M. I want this M." How much of an impact can I reasonably expect? Impact of your Plan A I assume? Not much. You will probably see glimpses of her responding to it but then she will regress. Don't despair, it's normal. I totally intend on keeping the pressure on, but it seems like it might be good to let what's been done sink in before dropping new bombs like contacting OM and putting the heat on him. Wrong. Do this NOW. It won't be better if things start to settle down and then you drop ANOTHER bombshell. Do this today, while the A is already crumbling. PLEASE.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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Contact the coaching center here and set up an appt. with them. Invite your WW but do it even if she won't. SH can get you on a good path in the meantime. Don't put any hope in the traditional therapist. We went through 3 and none of them helped one bit. MB is the way to go.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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