Have you spoken to Dr. Harley, this will help you put together a personal plan for you........
Things aren't over, the fog is just really thick right now......it's early in the process and you still have lots of opportunity to show your wife you are the best man for her and your marriage is worth the effort to save....
She will realize now that the affair is in the open that it just isn't as great as she had dreamed it would be, the warts will soon show up on the OM........real life now has a way of damaging the fantasy world.........show her the ugly picture and future she can look forward to............
Be the man she married, always look good, smell good, work out........be happy, get on with your life.......I remember a story about a woman that would get all dressed up to the nines and then just go to the library and read, but her husband wondered where and what she was up to.........made him think and compare...............Plan A her the best you can........make her think about what she is giving up.
Remember you have a history and a life together that doesn't just go away......

Both of you are on a full-on emotional roller coaster. She has nowhere to go when she's feeling down about the M but YOU can come here and get encouragement. Do that when you are feeling down.

You are doing great. What is your plan for Plan A'ing her today/tonight? Having an actual Plan in place is very helpful, it gives you something positive to focus on.

What's yours for today?

my plan A...
A huge EN of hers is domestic support. So every day I make sure the kids are taken care of, homework is done, transportation arranged. I make sure she sees me interacting with them. When she gets home dinner is on the table (I have become an excellent cook in my role as Mr. Mom), the house is spotless. I have been impeccable in not letting any of this slide.

I've lost a little weight so I'm making sure to dress well and I splash on a little of her favorite cologne before she gets home. I continue to be affectionate and I tell her I love her every day. Tonight we are doing a yoga class together (we do this 2-3 X per week).

results of her couseling session...

1. she was told to slow down and create a rational basis on which to move forward.

2. a change in scenery will not make her a happy person

3. she cannot blame me for her lack of happiness and admits that the efforts we made together during NC did result in a greater level of happiness

4. she admits that she does not know whether or not to stay in the M.


Last item is huge, as she was unwilling to admit her mind wasn't made up previously

Great! Something out of the ordinary would be nice too...fresh flowers or something else to let her know you are thinking about her.

Don't worry, it's the fog...she is probably also VERY afraid of the work it's going to take to make up for this grievous crime. Give her some time and continue to be the lighthouse and show her what a great M you can have through your Plan A.

You are doing great.

MF - I'm not worried, this is her first admission that the M has any chance whatsoever. "I don't know if you're the right person for me" certainly carries an admission that she doesnt know that I'm wrong either.

Like I said, she is saying this to save face and also because she knows there is a sh*tload of work ahead of her if she wants to give the ginormous mess she's just made out of her life.

Don't tell her you know that however, it might be a LBer.

now that WW is on the fence it is up to me to help her see the reasons to stay/consequences of leaving.

The kids are the biggest thing. My boys & I have a wonderful relationship and even in the fog admits that have been a very good parent. This one is the easiest to break down - it is the simple devastation of a family caused by a corrupt OM (and her, if she allows it to happen).

I am not sure how to play the money card. Without getting to technical, my income is from early withdrawals from my IRA. I could certainly choose to work in addition to that. So I contribute like $80K to the household right now. At age 59 the withdrawal restriction are lifted and we will have a very substantial retirement income. WW would be entitled to nothing in a D.

she hates the money stuff. Considers it akin to blackmail. She resents me for even discussing it. But now that she is looking for a "rational basis" to sort this out, I need to find a way to bring this up without ticking her off.

Can she support herself alone?

Yes. she makes $100K, but has a spending problem. There are times every month where her checking acct is drained. She has $15K in credit card debt. There would be a major lifestyle adjustment - she hits Macy's for $3000 a month or so on average. she's gonna need a new car soon and has nothing socked away for it.

finally had a good night. Anxiety and sadness levels finally out of the danger zone. Awesome plan A night. We did our yoga class (I know it sounds a little fudgy but I played rugby for 11 years and this is every bit as tough). Came home to a nice meal I prepped ahead of time, surprised the W with flowers, watched TV with DS#2, hit the rack early, slept holding each other with Sonny, our 1-year old Zuchon in between us.

It was like the good ol' days, you know, the ones that made her so unhappy. She wants to spend the weekend together capped by a Valentine's Day dinner at one of our favorite eateries.

She seems to be guininely enjoying this, but I know OM is lurking and she is in contact with him. Therefore tonight I present the brutal realities, contrasted against the very nice evening just completed.

fight4life - hey, I played rugby too! It sounds like you're well on your way.

Andy, I am really drawing on that mindset in attacking the A. Its the same viciousness and disregard for personal safety as laying a big hit into fat-butt prop. It might not work out in the short term and its gonna hurt but its part of the effort required to ultimately win.

F4L - I'm drawing on this experience too! I'm a 2nd row player and the exposure feels like blowing someone off the edge of a ruck. Now, the match is continuing and I'm waiting for the next hit. I just don't know when or where it's coming from. In my situation, the short term is going to be tough. I guess this will be a bunch of pick-n-go's for a while. The only difference is that I'm the only guy doing it. There's no help available from my fellow mates.

I'm going to call some members of WW's family today to encourage them to keep the heat on. I'm looking for some guidance on this.

I want to say that in spite of her reaction their words have had an impact. As reality begins to set in she is faced with brutal consequences - the worst of which is the terrible damage that will be done to her children. Maybe I can get them to throw in that they can never accept the man who took advantage of her vulnerability to take this awful step.

veteran feedback on this next step would be greeatly appreciated.

F4L - I read your point in another thread about accepted the other man and that's true. I never thought about that until I read it. Remember, that goes the other way too. If your WW has met any of the OMs family - she's probably going to get some looks from them too. In the fog babbble, my wife said last night that the OM won't talk to her. I don't know if that's true or not, but I'm obviously hoping it is. That would be a factor in her feeling down - maybe exposure is doing its job. I just don't know. Her entire mind set is on divorce right now, the mechanics of how to handle our son, divide up assets, etc.

I would call them, if the family are anti-affair/pro-marriage and state they will never accept OM it helps you. You used the words "her children" play this as "our children" even though family know the status it gives them the message of a single family unit .

Perfect idea. If they point out how devastating this will be for the boys and how they will never accept this bum into the family, that will splash some cold water on her.

When you have you talk with her tonight, be sure and emphasize that the boys need to be told what she and the OM are doing. Tell her that she needs to end her affair NOW or this will lead to divorce. You will not live like this. Ask her to send him a no contact letter. Tell her you have a plan to bring the passion and romance back to your marriage.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? The no contact letter is in there. And if you don't have it, I would get it today.

yes, I have SAA, and have read it twice