Start writing your Plan B letter, get an IM lined up.

The IM is NON-NEGOTIABLE. This is a MUST for Plan B.

MF -

I see that your sitch changed during plan B. It just feels so much like giving up, I am so afraid for my boys. Can you tell me how it worked for you?

How what worked for me? Plan B?

yes, what do you think occured during plan B to alter the course of your M?

I think my H woke up to the realities of life without me and without our family.

He woke up to the devastation he had caused over a FANTASY. Even during the A (false recovery, I didn't know the A was still on) he told me he knew it wasn't "real" ~ that he wasn't real with the OW and she wasn't real with him.

He woke up to who he may very well be stuck with since I was now out of his life ~ and he did not like that reality. That was never his plan but now I had taken the option of ME out of his life.

He woke up to the loneliness of what being a single man and father was really like...since once the reality hit him that deep down he knew he would never end up with the OW, and *I* was gone...he was now ALONE.

fight...my H now cherishes me very much. He sees what he almost lost. We are not fully recovered, but we are getting closer every day.

Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder, IMHO. Not always, but sometimes.

I am hopeful that my WW will come to same realizations...I take care of the house/yard, taxi the kids, do all the cooking and cleaning, household errands, etc. She will find her free time ground down to nothing while trying to carry on a long distance A with a man who cannot help her in these ways

I also know that the boys will be very unhappy about this and hopefully that will help her finally see what she is doing to her family.

I'm a bit confused, looking for some clarity

The havoc I've created appears only to be between WW and myself. Her conversations w/OM never are about her homelife. She doesn't complain about me, he doesn't ask anything about the future except as it concerns the A. It seems like it is still totally in the bubble.

We have guys here in similar situations who are hunkering down for an extended Plan A. I can do this if its what's needed. But that seems to me like it would be enabling the A - taking care of the home front while the A stays safe and protected and I don't want to do that. Things are calm & warm between us but she is clear that she is only "trying to make sure she isn't making a mistake".

I can also move on to plan B, where suddenly all of the proctection of my managing the home disappears. I don't want to allow her to continue this thing on her time table.

Any and all suggestions and comments are welcome. The only thing I have left is exposing to the kids. Can that be done and stay in the house? What can your experiences teach me?

fight4life - You're right, I'm in a similar boat with my WW - I think the only difference is that my WW's affair is broken up. We're definitely in conflict, as expected by the vets. I'm prepared to hunker down and Plan A as long as possible. There is one caveat, come April WW will have to make a decision. Either she moves out or we start counseling - if she continues to stay in the house. I'll probably get some 2x4's for that, but I feel it's a way to turn up the heat on her.

Our 5 year old DS has spent a couple of nights in her room - that's more nights than he's ever spent in our bed, ever. So, for now, I'm going to Plan A, as best I can. I think that's the right approach, but the vets can set me straight.

Hi fight, I would not move to plan B for awhile. A BH needs to stay in a longer Plan A and just cause as much holy hell as possible in the affair. Dr Harley says the OM should hear from you every time he tries to contact your wife. You should be confronting her every time about her affair. Continue to expose the affair and do everything in your power to insert reality.

I would set a time line and continually tell her that this will go to divorce if it doesn't stop. Dont' tell her your timeline, but don't plan on going longer than 6 months from D-Day to filing for divorce. Your mileage will vary on this, but you need to start making plans to go into Plan B NOW, so you will be ready within a few months. Some men can only last 2 months.

I would strongly advise you tell the kids. That will be a wake up to her when she is forced to explain this to the kids.

I know I have to tell the kids. I've resigned myself to doing it.

I know what I'm going to hear...that I'm using them, that DS1 has his SATs coming up, DS2 has his confirmation coming up, etc.

But I do see that if I can weather that particular storm, the onus for breaking up the family will be squarely on her, because they will know that I am committed to staying together if she ends the A. She has never been able to deny them anything and this will really wreak havoc for her. I totally see that it is a game changer.

Did you save the quotes I posted from Dr Harley? If she objects, tell her that a leading psychologist says it is damaging to lie to children about the source of tension in their homes. It teaches them dishonesty. It is lies and adultery that poison little kids, not the truth. Tell her the kids have a right to know that she is willing to break up their family over nothing. Since they are the ones who will pay the price, they have a right to know and she should answer their questions about that.

fight4life - You're in my thoughts as you approach this difficult time. My DS is 5 and has no real idea of what's going on. He knows that his mom wants to get 'unmarried' and that his dad does not. I made it very clear to WW that I will put it back on her, when he asks about it. She didn't look happy, but it's only right. She's the one that's running out on her family, not me.

thanks Andy, and likewise. I am stronger now than last week as the inevitability of this step has sunk in. but I will still hate to do it.

Mel - yes I have the quotes and am getting my ducks lined up

caught a conversation btwn WW & OM on my VAR. Heard some of the most awful vile stuff - she thinks I'm emotionally damaged, can't stand being around me, brought up porn she found years ago, says this is the only relationship that she regrets having in her life. Says she's just trying to stick it out until school is done for the year. She called my ExW to compare notes. Not surprisingly, she got what she was looking for (ExW also was a wayward). She is totally checked out of the M.

I feel like I should talk to the kids tonight and go straight to plan B. I need some support in the worst way right now

F4L, I haven't posted to you before, but I can feel the urgency in your post, so here I am, FWIW.

Some things to consider:

Waywards lie. They say anything and everything to self-justify their behavior. They intrinsically know that having an affair is wrong, so they have to find a way to lower their standards to calm their immorality.

The choice of trying to recover a marriage falls to the betrayed spouse (BS). This site is about marriage building, but not "marriage at all costs." So this is what you have to reconcile within your own head:

• Do you want to recover your marriage?
• Have you followed the Harley's program to the best of your ability (have you done Plan A - honestly and completely)?
• Has your exposure of the affair been total and nuclear?

In other words, have you done everything in your power to do what you can? Can you walk away from this marriage knowing that you gave it your all?

If the answer is yes, then it's probably time for Plan B. You should draw up a letter to hand to her when you insist she leave (*she* leaves, got it?). In it you spell out the conditions for her return (no contact for life with OM, etc.). Then you close the door and go dark.

You may never hear from her again (I haven't from mine). And you need to be OK with that. Plan B is as much about as YOU recovering as recovering your marriage.

If you choose to Plan B (or Plan D, for that matter), please continue to post here and let us help and guide you.

Maybe this has helped, maybe it hasn't. But know at least that there is an entire army of Marriage Builders behind you!

thank you for the speedy reply...I know she exaggerated, she has given me a very different picture, but it still stings like mad to hear it.

I have been plan A'ing since Sept (she broke NC in Dec). I didn't expose until dday #2 earlier this month. I exposed widely, but not to the children (16 & 13). I was going to do that friday until I heard her call.

The thing that really got me was she called me shortly after ripping me to OM and also to her SIL and asked if I would make such n' such for dinner, all sweetness and light. It absolutely chilled me. Its a brand new level of betrayal.

If it's any comfort to you, F4L, she is not any different than a cast of thousands.

My WxW spent Super Bowl Sunday with me, cooking, cleaning and just being Mrs. Fred_in_VA. We sat down to watch the game, with fresh food and hot bread and proceeded to enjoy ourselves.

At half time she got up, put on her jacket and said she was "going out" to watch the rest of the game "on a really big screen" (his). And oh, she probably wouldn't be back that night."

I was left standing there with food in my hands going "Wh- wh- what???"

There is no measure to the mindset of a wayward. Trying to understand one is like trying to figure out why a drunk keeps drinking.

She's foggy, this isn't shocking OR unusual. We've ALL heard our WSs say similar things and then call us right back and act all "sweetness and light". It's very hurtful but not at all unusual.

Tell the children tonight and then go straight to Plan B. First on your list ~ write you PBL and get your IM lined up. Plan A her for 1-2 more days while you work like mad getting this stuff done.

okay...eff this, I'm done being a sad sack. If I'm going down, I'm going down swinging. I'm getting into therapy to work on my personal R. I am going to be the man she married and present a viable alternative. Still gonna expose to the kids, staying in the plan. When I reach the end of my rope I'll make more damn rope.

MF - she won't leave the house until June (although that may change when I expose). She has nowhere to go, especially with 2 kids in school. I won't leave my house, my M or my family. If she wants to go and leave the kids, so be it (can't see it though). I think she'll stay here for the time being.