Thanks GloveOil,

I think part of me still wants to say it wasn't all my fault because that (small) part of me wants to think that if BH thinks it wasn't my fault he's more likely to come home. My defenses have been high this week, because I was so scared he wouldn't come home - I still am in fact. But we spoke yesterday about some of the finer details that I'd withheld origionally, and although it set us back because it was yet another thing i'd hidden from him, the more we talked about it the better it seems to be. It sounds like a very simple thing - tell the truth, they're less likely to hate you, and I do honestly think that I know that now. So we've talked about everything, even about the things i really don't want him to know about (details etc), and I think that ownership is part of that process too.

BH ordered Surviving an Affair before I joined this site and we have said we will read it together.

-

on a side note we had our first counselling session last night. It was OK, not what I thought it would be, and we talked about a lot of stuff I didn't really think was relevant (childhood, previous employment etc) but we're going to stick with it as now they've got our "back story" I hope that things will be more productive.

Letter of NC went out yesterday too, and today I'm going to stay with my mum for a few days so BH can come back home and have some time here alone making his decision.

Quote

My husband and I have been married for only 11 months

This is a key point. You keep saying �we�ve been married for 11 months but have been together for 5 years� but the salient fact is that you cheated on your husband before you�d even been married a year. Not a good sign at all.

Quote

On Saturday we had the obligitary arguments,

Rather a bore isn�t it? So inconvenient to have to sit through it, what? The optional arguments can be much more interesting.


The fundamental issues lie in the fact that you act inappropriately around men and can�t be truthful to your husband. It wasn�t that you couldn�t talk to your husband, it was that you wouldn�t. Let�s see, talk to my husband about a problem or create an even bigger one by boinking a co-worker. Yeah, I can see the logic there.

Quote

Flirts became more sexual, and eventually physical without me knowing how to stop them.

How about �NO!�

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an occasional flirt is ok, but constant flirting with the same person is not

Wrong again.


Were you possessed? Kidnapped by aliens and one took your place and committed adultery? Then I guess it was you. Wish we had a dollar for each time we heard this from a wayward.


Sorry, seems a bit more of that convoluted logic. yes, it's better to just try to shift blame and get this unpleasantness behind us as quickly as possible.


This is why your husband should have doubts about anything that you say. He shouldn�t trust you because you are not trustworthy. It has been only ten days since you were caught. Your entire thread is full of wayward speak, and it seems to me that you are also following the script in that you are already impatient for him to get over it. You had the obligatory arguments; he is going through the obligatory pain so you, of course, should say the obligatory things about counseling, and it�s funny that you can talk now but couldn�t before.

Your situation and behavior is not new or unique, it's all been said and done here before. It's all about you, yes, now YOU'RE HURTING and you're wondering if you should let your husband know? You don't seem to be hurting, actually you don't even register as contrite, never mind genuinely remorseful.

DEar MrsB,

You need to confess everything about the two affairs to your husband.. You need to tell him who they are immediately. If you dont confess every last iota your recovery wont work. You need to read wolf pack girl's posts to realize what could happen if you dont confess everything.

You need to quit your job immediately, get welfare if you must

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2423067&page=1


EVERYTHING must be on the table.

You may also ask him if he would do the Personal History Questionnaire. If you two want to move this forward, I suggest you tell him about the time you ate your own boogers, and he tells you about the time he peeked into the girls' locker room in middle school.

It's time to share your deepest, darkest secrets with each other; total Radical Honesty.

MBH,

Trust what people are saying here, reveal all even if it is during the time you were only dating, your H will be reviewing his memory for suspect moments.

Perhaps someday he will be doing something ordinary and will remember a small detail from long time ago as if it was a punch to the face. This is what happened to me with my W.

God Bless
Gamma

MrsBH, I wasn't going to weigh in - in fact, I really should be going to bed right now but I've pretty much become an insomniac since 2011 got underway. But since others have referred to my thread I can offer at least a cautionary tale. I don't know that I offer great advice, other than "don't do what I did!"

If you've read my massive thread, #1 you'll know that I am pretty wordy (understatement!) and #2 for a while there, I did a lot of whining. Some may think I still do, I dunno!

And #3, and most importantly, that what these other folks are referring to is that I subjected my H to trickle truth for months. Four months, to be exact. I lied over and over, to his face, looked him in the eye, swore upon everything that was holy that I had never had sex with my A partner. I lied because I was afraid of losing him, I lied because I was selfish, I lied to protect myself, and I *thought* I was lying to protect him, but I was denying him crucial information about his life that I had no right to deny.

I don't know what the outcome would have been if I'd been honest with my H that very first day. I remember that day. It was a Sunday. We'd just gotten home from church. H had stayed home and just the girls and I had gone. I remember the outfit I was wearing, right down to the shoes. I remember being on my knees in the driveway and begging him not to go. And I knew that day that I wanted my H more than the POSOM, but by lying to my H, I put my wants and desires ahead of his - the desire for an honest and faithful wife.

So, my H put heart and soul into recovery and Plan A'ed the heck out of me (this was before MB, but he was essentially doing Plan A). I fell back into crazy, head-over-heels love for him. But the whole time I kept lying. I'd gotten in too deep, I told myself. I can't tell him now. And I selfishly didn't want what he was doing - meeting my EN's like a trooper - to stop. When he finally found out the truth, it devastated him. It negated everything that we did over those four months. He couldn't believe anything I did or said from that point forward, and in fact doubted everything I'd done during our entire relationship. I finally got to the point I took a polygraph. Too little, too late. And now, he's gone.

No, I don't know what would have happened had I been honest on that August day. But at least I would have given him the truth that he deserved.

My other mistake - well, I made many mistakes, but let's just cover 2 of them here, ok? - my other mistake was not being able to put my expectations on hold. I wanted the H I had during those 4 months back so badly that I was constantly feeling hurt by one thing or another, because I was expecting my H to meet my needs. You simply can't have any expectations. And yes, it is hard. Yes, it hurts when your needs aren't met. But you're going to have to pull most of the weight of recovery for a while. We have dealt a mortal wound to our H's - lots of folks here have described it like having a trauma patient who is bleeding out...my trickle truth was like kicking him while he was down. And then I expected to be able to slap a bandaid on a gaping wound and him get up and be all lovey dovey again? Yeah. Selfish.

So, in the end not really any advice, just if you truly value your M, then do this the right way. You've found MB early on in your recovery, and your H has given you a beautiful gift, the gift of a second chance. None of us FWS's deserve a second chance. But he's holding out that brass ring for you. Grab it and cherish it, give that gift the respect and honor it deserves, and do whatever you can to keep it and protect it.

{t/j...}





I once broke up with my "boyfriend" in elementary school because someone told me he put boogers in the water fountain. {end t/j}

Thanks wulffpack_girl for your candid response, I hope things are going well for you!!

I hope MrsB that you and your husband are reading these threads together!

((((WPG)))) Tit-for-tat... you got me crying...

Wait, wait, wait... men don't cry! Nothing to see here, move along.


Anyway, my whole booger eating comment is based on this; affairs rely on secrets and lies to begin and to continue. Truth kills them.

Many of us have our little secrets or shames, things nobody, or very few people, know. Sharing those things with your spouse is a wonderful opportunity to reconnect, and is a great exercise in radical honesty.

Bit of an update as I want to make sure I keep posting and keep getting the advise from people here.

BH moved back in 11 days ago, we've had 2 couples counselling sessions, and have spent a lot of time talking. We've completed the LB and EN questionnaires, and have started reading through the SAA book - we've read the first 6 chapters now. Things seem to be going well at the moment, we both have up and down days, but are able to comfort one another when needed and have been able to talk about what's caused the dips so that we can work on avoiding them again.

BH has been really controlled when he's angry or upset, trying really hard not to have any outbursts, and fortunately he's only been angry or upset for a few hours at a time rather than days. We've found that talking after helps a lot, as I get to know what it is that triggers him and visa versa.

The honesty policy continues, as I am currently still working with OM I have been ensuring that BH knows the days we are going to see each other, and telling him of any contact that has been attempted by either of us - so far only one instance yesterday but soon sorted it with an email to OM with BH BCC'd in. We also talked during the EN questionnaire about some things from my past that I hadn't previously shared with anyone.

I've applied for a few jobs, with the most promising one coming up yesterday - and I have passed my driving test and bought a car to widen the area I can look for jobs in. At the moment we are dealing with me working with OM, though both of us are looking forward to me getting a new job so that NC can truly start.

I've also explained the situation to both managers in my team at work so that they can help me to ensure I have as little contact as possible with OM - both have been very supportive, and have agreed to ensure we do not have to work closely together.

BH and I are working really well together at the moment, and things are not as difficult as we had thought that they may be. The main problem that I am having at the moment is trying to ensure I'm aware of BHs triggers for AO so that I can avoid them - except at the moment even BH doesn't know what they are so that's proving difficult.

Any advice on identifying triggers and helping BH when he's angry?

MrsB, what was this contact about? Did OM try to contact you to be "friends", or what? What did you reply?

I know of one couple here, The Wonderings, who faced contact from OM. MrsW informed MrW BEFORE she attempted any reply, and in at least one instance, MrW replied telling OM to take a hike. I think his reply carried more weight than one from her would have. She showed OM that she was fully committed to her marriage by forwarding the email to her H and letting HIM reply - not just by cc-ing him.

Having your BH reply is a great idea. There was one instance about a month after D-Day for us that the OM came to the school where I taught to visit some former special needs students. I immediately called my DH on my cell phone when I realized he was there and stayed in my classroom with the door shut (it was during my planning period). DH emailed OM and told him he hoped to never hear of him coming to my school again and would tell the administration. It helped DH feel safer that I told him immediately, it gave him some power to be able to respond to it, and it drove home the point to OM that he had better stay away.

Mrs. B said she "BCC'ed" her husband which means OM doesn't know that she "cc'ed" her husband. It should be open and obvious to OM that any necessary work communication (for the necessary next few weeks until you get a job...though I'd love for you to just quit TODAY)....should include a CC (not a BCC) to your husband.

In fact...if your manager(s) understand...if you MUST email OM why not send it to OM through the manager as in:

Manager...could you please inform so and so (OM) that blah, blah, blah...business things and then she can BCC her husband since it's NOT direct communication with OM.


Any extra steps and FIGHT to avoid OM demonstrated in word AND action by Mrs.BH only helps demonstrate her sincerity towards Mr.BerkHunt. Especially in this situation where OM really wasn't a romantic interest at all and there is no indication OM is actively pursuing her.

I hope your job search can put you in a all female or mostly married female office/workplace setting. I think your situation involved two or more office sexual encounters so your husband is likely to be untrusting of you working closely with any males not just ONE particular OM. Presuming rebuilding his trust in you is important to you.

Mr. Wondering

The communication from OM was face to face, I was talking to a female colleague at work, and he tried to join in the conversation, asking me direct questions about my car etc.

I contacted BH before I emailed OM to say what had happened, and we agreed I should email OM restating that all communication was unacceptable, and that that included talking at work. I only BCC'd rather than CC'd as I didn't want OM to think I was only saying it for BHs benefit.

BH and I have discussed ongoing contact with male work colleagues and that it would be difficult for him even in a new role, but it is a bridge that we will have to cross when we come to it. He has made it clear what is and isn't acceptable, and has drawn the line much firmer than would have been the case previously (i.e. before we both agreed male friends were ok, and occasional flirting was ok, we have now discussed that this is not OK). I think knowing this will make it much easier for us.

Unfortunately I'm not in a position to be able to pick and choose the role I go for dependant on the people I work with, nor am I able to quit tomorrow - this is something that BH and I have discussed on many occasions and he has said that he does not want me to due to financial strain it would put on us, but we both have a clear idea of what is acceptable and it will be a relief to get out of my current role no matter where i go.



can I also take the opportunity to thank everyone who has commented on this thread for there comments, particularly those of you who are BS's yourselves. I know that my H has a difficult time showing how much I have hurt him and how angry he is as he doesn't want to upset me, and the strong viewpoints of people here helps me to understand and let me know what to do. We're doing really really well at the moment and I think that that is hugely due to the advise we have had here, and so thanks for that!

Your willingness to post and put up with the strong opinions here is a testament to the notion that you may have just made a series of really bad youthful mistakes.

You are only 24. I'm glad I'm not being judged for the rest of my life for the mistakes I made when I was 24. However, I wisely waited until I was 30 to marry. Like it or not (at times when your taker wants to enjoy it's youth) you ARE married and that has significant meaning and responsibilities.

By posting and staying engaged discussing and learning about marriage you are doing yourself, your husband and your marriage a great service. Through this experience you (and your husband) have the opportunity to become great role models for other struggling young persons and couples as you reshape your goals, your relationship and your lives.

BOTH OF YOU...TOGETHER.

Good luck to you...we will be thanking you someday when we see you turn this around into something respectable and wonderful and share the experience of getting there with others.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- Why BerkeleyHunt? Are you and/or your husband aware it can have a really negative connotation? So say my British friends.

Thanks MrW, i really hope and believe that we can still make this a fantastic marriage.

re the berkeleyhunt, it is a name hubby chose some time ago as a part of his twisted sense of humor because of the nagative connotation - one of many things i love about him

I also recall your husband's story of quickly moving in together and thought maybe your marriage suffered due to both of you kind of coming at this as "renters" instead of "buyers".

One of Dr. Harleys books discusses some of the huge pitfalls of living together before marriage and why it's a terrible choice that often results in what happened to the two of you. The book is called: Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders: Turning Revolving Romance into Lasting Love.

It's available at Amazon pretty cheap (about $7 to $11) even in my favorite format CD audio version whereupon you can listen to the CD's together in the car on a road trip vacation alone together pausing and discussing uninterrupted in the car along the way. Link to BRFreeloaders at Amazon

IMO, this book and His Needs/Her Needs will be your most beneficial books.

Mr. W

He forgot to translate that into British for you!