fight4life,
I love the attitude, never give up on yourself and all that is important to you........
I used to say one thing that my husband and his OW underestimated was ME!!!!!
I found the strength in me I didn't know I had, I was proud of how I was able to plan and conduct myself in a civil, fair way.................I was determined that NO ONE was taking my life from me..................NOPE.............I felt very powerful and focused...........
You give up you lose............

f4l - looks like we're still barrelling down parallel tracks. Hang in there!

f4l, where is she going to go in June? (sorry if I missed it.)

I don't know, but I think what she has in mind is me leaving. She has no savings to buy anything. she's dropped hints like "I'll understand if you can't accept this and want to leave"

plus this house was purchased with a significant amount of my money as a down payment, which I would argue is a preexisting asset

And you can respond: "I have no intention of leaving my home and my family. I will not be punished because of YOUR affair. That was YOUR decision and YOU need to make adjustments in YOUR life to accommodate YOUR affair."

If she won't end the A I would begin ASKING her, as a courtesy to you and the boys, to LEAVE.

Politely tell her the disrespect and pain she is causing is just too much and you fear a nervous breakdown. MB phrased it nicely ~ this is HER choice to have an A, not yours; therefore SHE needs to go, not you.

Ask her friends and family to keep the pressure on her. If you are paying for anything that is supporting the A (cell phone, computer access, etc.), cut that off immediately, no warning.

Never forget the goal of cheating is to have BOTH. Waywards want both a spouse AND a boyfriend/girlfriend on the side.

In order to keep both, WW told OM what he wanted to hear and then told you what you wanted to hear.

It's cruel and cold-blooded and beyond selfish, but that's what you have to do in order to keep two people dangling.

Just try to remember that in a bizarre way, it's not personal. In her mind, she's just doing what she has to do to keep her two men in her life.

But believe me, I do understand how very much it hurts.

a common friend (who WW introduced me to) had lunch w/her today. She vented her outrage over exposure. The gall! The injustice! I have seen very little of this except on the 1st day. Glad to hear she's still burning 2 weeks later.

He told her he was there as her friend and everything was in confidence, and promptly called me from the car on the way out to give all the details.

She told him essentially what she's told me. Hasn't made a final decision, wants to get thru the school year, acknowledges that I stepped up to the place since dday #1 and that I am good parent.

Another day in paradise...just gonna keep working it

F4L,

You know OM might already be with another woman, get a PI to figure out when the woman is at his place drive your W down there and drop her off, instant death of fantasy.

God Bless
Gamma

OM is in another state and has loads of freedom. He is always flirting on FB. I wouldn't be surprised. I'll make calls tomorrow, maybe I can set something up this weekend. There goes another G.

holding off on the PI for now...OM is an ex-cop and my ExW told WW that I had her followed by a PI (not true, but whatever). Will pick that one up in a couple of weeks.

WW knows that I plan to stay in the house and that I am pursuing a job w/a fortune 500 company here. We have a date on Saturday where the COO of the target company will be joining us socially.

She assumed that I would be the one to leave (we are both from ~200 miles away) so that is a big monkey wrench in her vision of the future.

told WW this morning that someone dropped a dime on her and told me she called ExW, said she was just overjoyed to compare notes on what a piece of crap I am.

While she did not deny it, she took issue in a big way about the timing of the conversation. Says I always wait until morning or when she's at work to mention things, hinting that I am trying to mess her up at work. None of this is true and it troubles me that everything is construed to reconfirm that I am this rotten bum.

Nice way to try to take the heat off and make this YOUR problem. Good grief, like there is EVER a right time to bring this stuff up. If you'd brought it up tomorrow, she would have accused you of trying to ruin her weekend.

I would have responded "Yes, this is a terrible time for you to have an affair. It's ruining my day as well. Your timing could not be any worse."

best weekend since dday...

we put the ExW call behind us and went to DS#1's lacrosse game fri night, good times, lots of friends around. Sat we had a date. Again, good time, WW appreciated the effort I'm making.

But the big news happened today. We had a very civil conversation about the whole thing. I told her I am staying in this house if she leaves and the kids could stay with me permanently. She said I would never get custody. I said maybe not, but I'm staying and the judge will ask them where they want to live.

We talked about telling the kids and this killed her. She had something like a panic attack - heart pounding, light headed, stomach doing summersaults. DS#2 asked her what was wrong and she said we're having M trouble. He cried and demanded "You have to make this work!"

She is a puddle right now - really powerful internal conflict going on. Sorry for your troubles, says I, but this was inevitable.

I would smile if I weren't so heartbroken for that boy. But this is exactly why I wanted you to tell those kids. You can see the effect it is having on her. She needed to see it and I applaud you for bringing this up to her. I would keep reminding her how heartbroken the boys will be, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY FIND OUT THIS IS ALL FOR SOME SORRY SCUMBAG WHO LIVES IN A BASEMENT AND DOESN'T GIVE A RATS [censored] ABOUT THEM. <----make certain she understands you will not sit by idly and lie to those boys to cover up her crime.

Mel -

This is so perfect. She let the cat out of the bag, so now I can't be blamed or threatened. I told DS2 that there is nothing I won't do to keep our family together but if she thinks she'll be happier apart, I can't stop her from leaving.

I also told WW today that my committment to the boys is a forever thing and that there is no portion of poop for me to eat that will ever change that.

I wish you would consider getting phone coaching from Steve Harley and let me explain why. Your wife is torn about leaving you because it doesn't make practical sense for her. You are the logical choice.

The only thing lacking is that she has fallen out of love with you and doesn't even know that she can fall back in love if she uses this program. If she knew she could not only fall in love with you she would probably choose you. But she doesn't believe that.

That is why I am hoping you try to get her on the phone wiht Steve. He is going to sell her on the fact that he can show her how to fall in love with you. That will remove the last obstacle holding her back.

my intention was to get things in motion tomorrow for a session with Steve. No idea what the lead time is, but I will find out. I will absolutely encourage her to join me, but I am going forward with it regardless of her answer.

I have told her that choosing to remain married is not the end of the road, but the beginning of a process that includes a proven plan for restoring everything in our M. I've said it is a requirement of our remaining together.

Right now I think there has been a shift from "I just want to make sure I'm not making a mistake" to "hold on, I need to think about this more carefully"

I need to exploit that before this guttersnipe shifts her thinking back.

Have you talked to Steve yet yourself? Because he won't counsel you together anyway. She doesn't need to be there at first.

I would set up the appointment for you ALONE and then have Steve tell you how to get her on the phone for the next session. [he splits the sessions - 30/30]

He will give you talking points to use to persuade her to get on the phone for the NEXT appointment.