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Hi Everyone,
I apologize if the post is long - thanks to all of you for collecting this information - if it was not for this site I don't know what I would be doing right now. I will try to post a summary followed by details to make this flow a little better.
Me - BS Husband Her - WS Wife Emotional affair with co-worker for 2 months
3 Weeks ago my wife said she did not think she was in love with me anymore and did not know if she wanted to be married. She did not explain why and said she wanted to talk to a counselor. Through reading this site I determined that the reason why was my repeated love bank withdrawals and not paying attention to her emotional needs - admiration, affection and conversation. We have a two year old son. She has not felt beautiful since having him. This issue has manifested itself in many ways and in classic husband/wife miscommunication I have not truly understood the issue. My fault for not preventing an affair. 100% her fault for having the affair.
Last night she broke and admitted everything to me. I have told her mom and confronted the guy she was talking to. They kept talking so I told his spouse.
My wife says she wants to work things out. I don't know what to do now.
It seems according to plan A that I am to correct the things I was doing wrong, make big love bank deposits and no withdrawals. Make her feel beautiful and loved like she deserves.
I however have 0 trust for her, am scared, and disgusted. I am scared this will get to her boss and she will lose her job. I am scared that she will divorce me.
Please give me your guidance and I will respond accordingly.
Forever grateful...
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Hi Meh, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would get the book Surviving an Affair and read it so you understand what we are talking about. In the meantime, read this article about what it will take to recover your marriage: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance. here
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks for the reply - I ordered the book - it should be here today or tomorrow - I ordered it last Friday.
Step 1 is complete - I have confronted my WS - I told her know everything and she has admitted everything including what I wrote above about needing to feel beautiful etc. The affair seems to be off for now.
I am so confused about step 2 - How can I possibly do this with my wife now. She is so furious with me. Saying "I hope I don't lose my job" and that I betrayed her trust as well, etc. I feel so disgusted and distanced from her that any attempts to be nice are going to seem contrived. I did tell her I know this is hard for her to and that I will be there for her. She basically is not talking.
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Does she work with the OM?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Just stay calm and just keep telling her you are working to save the marriage, that you love her still and that when she is ready to commit you will be there for her and you are willing to do whatever it takes to have a better marriage for the both of you. Just look good, smell good, take care of things in order to make it through each day, food, chores whatever needs to be completed.....
she is mad because she is having to be accountable for her actions, this is a good thing.........mad is good, let her feel the brunt of all that is happening right now..... make your home her safe place for now. peaceful and free from the outside...... self reflection should start to take place, guilt should set in.........she will see you stepping up to the plate for the marriage real soon......
BW 56 WH 57 Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that..... DS 23, DS 25 D-Day Nov 23/09 NC Mar 1/10 Working on Recovery Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Make no mistake, if OM is co-worker then your WW should leave the job anyway. Thats the real No Contact dr Harley is talking about: The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. As I understand from your story then step 1 is not complete at all. The affair will last as long as they work together. Why is your WW furious with you - because you exposed OMW? If you did, then know that you did the best thing you could to kill the affair. Your marriage survives the anger but does not survive the affair.
Me (FWH) 44 Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42 Married 22 years 2 Children 20 and 22 years Last D-Day for me: May 2009 Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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I however have 0 trust for her, am scared, and disgusted. I am scared this will get to her boss and she will lose her job. I am scared that she will divorce me....Please give me your guidance and I will respond accordingly.
STOP.....BEING.....SCARED!!!!
Dozens (hundreds?) of folks on this site started here in the same situation - or worse! - that you present to us now. As shocking and cataclysmic as it seems to each of us when it OUR relationship that has been dealt a blow, there are elements in most of our stories that work to bind the parties back together.
You did not give much detail about your wife's willingness/availability to talk to you about this, but if she truly wants to "work this out", she's eventually going to have to understand that a lot of the "work" in that phrase will devolve upon her.
Get the books, have both of you read them, complete the EN questionnaires. Start WORKING this problem together, and you have an excellent chance of having a better marriage in the future than you had (or even THOUGHT you had) in the past.
(Just a mechanical suggestion - stay on THIS thread for all ypour questions and concerns. Don't start additional threads.)
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NeverGuessed -I will stay on this thread - I am taking a deep breath and won't be scared.
recon6mo - Her quitting her job immediately will cause us to forclose on our home - I will tell her she needs to look for another job?
jessitaylor - very good advice - that made me hopeful - thanks
MelodyLane - she does work with the OM
Any suggestions on what to do if she files for seperation - do I just go with it or fight it?
I want our marriage to work - she is not really talking right now and has a difficult time explaining her feelings.
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I just want to say again how grateful I am to all of you
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Her quitting her job immediately will cause us to forclose on our home She'll have some time to look for another job. You won't be thrown out of your home immediately. You can't have both, Meh. Unfortunately, she destroyed her job.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Man this really sucks - we are already two mortgage pmts behind with threats of foreclosure if we don't become current - She and I make the same amt of $ and have no money saved or to spare.
Wow
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Random Question - do you ever tell the WS about marriage builders, the book, plan A, plan B?
I wouldn't think so but people talk about working through the book and site together
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I would keep marriage builders to yourself right now for your support, some wayward spouses do come together when they are willing to work on the marriage..... Your first plan should be to stop the contact between your wayward spouse and the affair person........ Exposure brings the affair out in the open and makes the affair couple responsible for their choices, quickest way to end the affair.. If you spouse is mad, so be it, it's a way to tell that exposure worked, You keep telling your spouse you are willing to work together to have a marriage you both can be happy in and that you understand that the condition the marriage was in before the affair is both your responsibility. Don't give up, be strong every success story starts with a good plan.........think long term not the present and patience a lot of it helps...... Lots of great folks to help here
BW 56 WH 57 Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that..... DS 23, DS 25 D-Day Nov 23/09 NC Mar 1/10 Working on Recovery Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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So I told my wife to look for a new job - she did not respond
What is the best way to go about this part?
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You have to just try to get across the message that she can't continue to work with someone that she has been emotionally attached to if she wants to stay in the marriage.........Tell her that isn't a place where you can feel safe in.........she has to understand that there can't be 3 people in the marriage, that she will have to chose which 2 are going to remain......... Be firm but loving, tell her if she thinks he is more important than you will have to separate yourself from her and that situation, You also tell her that since she is the one chosing to leave the marriage that she should chose to leave the marital home....... Let her think on those realities and tell you need an answer soon so you can plan the life you are going to have because of her decisions......
BW 56 WH 57 Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that..... DS 23, DS 25 D-Day Nov 23/09 NC Mar 1/10 Working on Recovery Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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meh Just know I am right in your shoes as many of us are. Listen to these guys even when you think they are wrong Listen and dont hesitate. The pain can almost be unbearable go see your physician and get some meds to help you!
Divorced 11/5/2013 FXWW EA 2005/2008/2010
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MelodyLane - she does work with the OM This is the where I would start. She has to quit the job in order for your marriage to recover. As long as she sees the OM at work you can consider the affair ACTIVE. It won't end until she ends all contact. Is the OM married? Your most effective weapon against the affair is exposure. We have had affairs killed the day they were exposed. While no guarantee, it is your best hope of saving your marriage. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposing it wide and far ruins the fantasy aspect. Exposure should be done wide and far and all on the same day to create a tsunami effect. Exposure targets are: 1. the OM's wife, if any. 2. all of your parents: yours, your WW's and the OM's 3. close friends and family 4. children 5. the HR director and the affairee's supervisors [we have a sample letter] 6. the OM's facebook friends We can help you develop a strategy to do this. But be assured this is your most effective weapon against the affair. The ones who make it around here expose the affairs. Any suggestions on what to do if she files for seperation - do I just go with it or fight it? Countersue on grounds of adultery and pledge to have the OM hauled into court to give testimony on the stand about his adultery with your wife. Tell her you will fight for possession of the home and custody of the kids. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME. If she wants to separate, MAKE HER LEAVE. WITHOUT THE KIDS. Do not allow her to move the kids of your home without a court order. I want our marriage to work - she is not really talking right now and has a difficult time explaining her feelings. That is because she is preoccupied with an affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Random Question - do you ever tell the WS about marriage builders, the book, plan A, plan B?
I wouldn't think so but people talk about working through the book and site together Only tell the WS about MB when the affair is truly over and all contact has ended.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery." here Dr Harley discusses exposure in this radio clip: click here
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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