So I told my wife to look for a new job - she did not respond...What is the best way to go about this part?

Sit her down. Lay it out as follows:
- We cannot start rebuilding our relationship until the affair is over and dead.
- It cannot be over and dead while the conditions that led to it (the two AP's working together) continue to exist.
- There is no "Yeah, but..." here. THE REBUILDING CANNOT START UNTIL THE AP'S ARE SEPARATED AND A NC CONDITON IS IN PLACE.
- If this cannot be brought about the chances of a successful recovery are HUGELY diminished.
- Whatever the economic or lifestyle impacts of the NC conditions, they are merely the delayed result of the decision to have an affair, a sunk cost, or a bill that has finally come due.

Not fun, but necessary, Meh.

Thanks again everyone - here is an update

So this A has completely been exposed and blown up.

I called the OM's wife and told her exactly what happened yesterday morning and that my wife broke down, admitted everything and said that since having our first child 1 1/2 yrs ago, she has not felt beautiful and that OM has boosted her ego/made her feel special etc.

The OM's wife has been calling my wife repeatedly and left her a message saying "you and your husband better never talk to my family again. Sorry that you are needy and have to feel beautiful but that is husbands job and he is all mine. You will have to find that elsewhere. And we will be talking about this!"

My wife called me immediately and told me that the OM's wife left this message on her phone. My wife said the she threw up, has been freaking out, is scared the OM's wife will come to her work - she also proactively told me that she called OM this morning and they both agreed that this absolutely must stop now.

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So, after repeated lying my wife broke down crying, saying why all this happened and admitted to lying. She is a full time worker and full time in school as well. I feel that I caught this very early on. The phone records show that the all-day texting started out of the blue 7 weeks ago. I honestly feel that this was just texting.

My wife at this point is adamant that this whole A is over. That she nor the other guy (bc his wife is pissed) want this to continue at all. My wife says she feels dirty because of this and that she wants to see a counselor and work on our marriage. I feel like she is being honest at this point. It seems that the consequences of this exposure are far outweighing the fantasy of the affair for my wife. She has been distraught, stressed out, said she threw up at work.

Note: the work in the same building but not with each other - at most they would see each other twice a week in passing. I am still pushing her to seek employment elsewhere.

It's great that OMW knows and is royally ticked. I'd still get her out of that job. Even once every few weeks to see each other is too much. That will be a constant trigger. When they don't see each other they'll wonder when they will next. It's going to remain in the forefront of their minds.

From Dr. Harley, emphasis mine:

Thanks maritalbliss - I am going to push this quitting the job thing - she has got too... I can already see how it will go otherwise.

This current tornado of exposure will die down - the NC will continue painfully for them both as they see each other at work and the irresistible temptation is there. Eventually one of them will break and make the move.

I still don't think my wife is completely out of the fog. I think she has made the decision to stop but does not realize how dangerous the situation is to herself. I think her intentions are good. I really want her to get on this site now and start reading info - full time school/full time job - so little time for MB for her. She needs to make the time and get her priorities straight.

I feel like it will really start bothering me if she does not start some proactive tasks to get our marriage back on track. I have written down, talked to and showed her that I know what went wrong. She needs to begin the remorse process and start showing me that she wants this to work. Right now, she has just said that she wants IC.

I keep going back and forth between my self-awakening of how my woman wants to be treated, my relief that she has admitted everything and wants to stay married, and my huge doubts about this affair being permanently over.


I think my wife feels hurt and that her intentions to have the affair over are good enough. Though she is busy I want action on her part - I am so exhausted from guiding this entire thing. I have apologized for our marital faults, spent hours and days on MB, researched affairs, coordinated detection of the A and exposure, put up with her lying to my face repeatedly, and made suggestions of where my wife and I go from here - MC, IC, MB, etc. I am supporting her now the way I should - gave her back massage last night, sent her flowers, told her even though what she did is bad she is not a bad person, told her I would support her.

I am really growing tired of doing all the work here. I will continue to do it but really want to be able to shut up and see action on her part.

Clarrification -

"I think my wife feels hurt and that her intentions to have the affair over are good enough."

I do not mean that her intentions are good enough for me - they are not. I mean that she feels that they are good enough for her and that she feels so strongly to end this right now that she thinks she will.

Her feelings are immaterial. Her thoughts are immaterial. What is required of her right now is action. She's got to prove through her actions that she is committed to recovery.

And, not being mean but pointing out the obvious: I don't care how busy she is - she managed to make time for an affair, didn't she?

thanks maritalbliss -and I don't take that meanly from you - for my skin is thick as bricks right now!!!

You are correct about the time for the affair - in fact people saying they don't have time is a pet peave of mine. There is always somebody a lot busier than you and still finding to take the time to do what you won't. Just think of all the excuses not to exercise due to time constraints. end rant

Yes I agree on the action - that is what I want now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I guess I will continue pressing the quitting work issue, being the best husband and father I can be, and hoping/praying that she will take action - I can't make her do it.

Well, yes, in a way you can. If this is a condition you have for recovery and she refuses, you'll know she's putting her job first over your marriage. You need to decide at that point whether you're interested in recovering your M while she continues to work there.

Many betrayeds have made this a requirement for their wayward to stay in the marriage. Are you willing to do that? Because she'll smell your ambivalence if you're not, and will balk at quitting.

I can't make her do it.

Oh, puh-leeeze!

Remember, you were going to ditch the "scared" crap, right?

• Stop being "scared" of her refusal - it is NOT to be a matter of negotiation.
• Stop being "scared" of exposing to her (and his) workplace.
• Stop being "scared" of exposing to her entire family, friends, etc.

Look at the positive developments you garnered by "manning up" and exposing to OMW. Now continue the process.

If either OM or WW was in a supervisory position, that person is very likely to have serious problems with the HR department, up to and possibly including being let go. If it's WW, well, them's the breaks; if OM, hurray for your side. Once WW's family is fully advised about the affair, WW will find herself a LOT less cocksure about telling you "No" regarding breaking off contact (via job action) with OM.

Now for the bad news that I'm surprised no one here has mentioned before - Start preparing yourself for the distinct possibility that this affair was NOT limited to an exchange of inappropriate e-messages. Given proximity (together every day - check!) and time (three months? not sure) almost every EA morphs into some form of PA. If you set your mind toward that probability, you might find yourself more "incented" to actively drive this thing into the ground.

Thanks for the advice - big eye opener Neverguessed - I have tried not to think of the possibility that more has happened than just texts. I don't know if I will ever find out for sure.




Its gone down like this - the OM is basically playing dumb to his wife - I told his wife that my wife opened up about everything. I told his wife that there were 10-50 text exchanges per day including picture messages for 7 weeks. I told her that my wife said her husband was making her feel special, beautiful, etc. The OM's wife was very silent on the phone, thanked me and I told her that she could call me if she needed to talk. Since then, the OM has texted me saying that it was nothing but texting and to leave his family alone. Basically his wife is being naive - I am certain that OM has said it was just texting, he had no idea that my wife felt that way and that I am crazy for blowing it up.

My wife just called pissed about the OM's wife calling her. My wife says she wants all this to stop right now and that she is mad that this other woman is probably going to be talking bad about our family. My wife said she is disgusted with herself and the situation. She also said she is pissed that the OM is handling the situation by playing dumb and putting it all of on her. She said she wished the OM would take responsibility and that he knows he is wrong.

Yep, I will bet our farm if we had one that more went on besides texting. There is no way that they only texted for seven weeks. Prepare yourself for the very worse. I know it's hard and it feels like Mohammed Ali just sucker punched you, but there is always a lot more to the story than what the WS admits to at first. Dr. Harley recommends complete honesty and although I had to run out of the room to scream and throw up several times during my FWH telling me the entire truth, in the long run it helped our M and helped me to see that he was willing to dig down deep and not hold any secrets between him and XOW.
You must also stop being afraid to lose your W and your M. MB is a wonderful program and Plan A works well but one of the things that we as BS have to have is a strong backbone where we Plan A but also don't make our WS think that we are a doormat or are so afraid to lose them. WS sometimes get too cocky and some of them abusive. The sad reality is you have to be able to stand up for yourself even if it means putting your WS out of your life if they are not willing to do the hard work in re-building the M. Some WS when they find that you are so afraid to lose them, will become even more narcissistic which isn't healthy for your M or you. You can�t let her think that you won�t show her the door if she continues her bad behavior. You have to know that you are worthy of a faithful, honest spouse who doesn�t run into another man�s arms when things go south in the M.
We counseled with Dr. Harley and I did a modified Plan A where I showed my FWH that I would kick him out on his butt if he wasn�t willing to put in the hard work to repair our M. My DH knows that I will execute Plan OUT where I will kick him out of my life for good if he ever brings a third party into my M and he knows that I can live without him if I need to. Also, keep yourself looking good each and every day. Exercise and eat right and make sure you do nice things for yourself every now and then. Sometimes we consume ourselves with our spouses and their A that we forget how wonderful and special we are. Don�t forget that your WW is lucky to have you and that you are willing to stay and re-build after what she did.

Meh, don't fall for ANYTHING the OM says. During my wife's A with the OM, I talked to the OM on the phone and he SWORE nothing was happening beyond texting/friendship.

Then he and my wife admitted to an EA "only."

Then they admitted they met at a hotel but only "kissed" and decided it was wrong.

They they admitted they had sex once.

Then they admitted they had sex many times.

Then my wife admitted the OM promised her a new life with money, excitement, new house, cars, etc, and that he planned to divorce his wife and kids for my wife and kids.

Men will sell their own wife, mother, and kids to get a free piece of a**.

Sorry to be blunt, but you are being trickle-truthed like I was. My wife's texting went crazy AFTER they started having sex (to the tune of 13,000 texts the month following their first sex date.)

Thanks cobol - trying not to cry right now

I fear that you are right --- I asked my wife did anything besides texting go on and her response is "when would there have been time." Classic lying in my opinion. There is always time -

I am convinced that there had to be more - how will I ever get that out of her????????

WTF wider and cobol

How in the world am I going to get truth -

I want to go punch something and throw up right now - I have had a bad gut feeling about this... something else has to have gone on.

Your right - why would it be just texting----------but every affair doesn't include sex.

This is awful - I just want the truth - I know she is hiding something else - she has to be

I found a message where she told him "i really miss you calling me beautiful" I found that the other day - it kicked off D-Day

I can't stop thinking about the sex thing

My wife said the same thing: "how would I have TIME for an A???" Well, guess what. The POSOM flew into town when my wife was supposed to be doing overnight business trips.

OF COURSE she didn't have time for an A (rolling my eyes in sarcasm.....)

I know - you have to be right




She has gone to "study" so many times and left the house saying she had to go to the library - in fact it just dawned on me that she used to always study at home and just in the last semester said she needed to go to the library.

13,ooo text messages, don't be a fool, there was more to that relationship than texting, I got the same story, just friends helping each other, then yes they were in an Ea, and then finally over a couple of weeks the truth comes out......a full fledged affair with I love you's as well..............
dont' believe it for a minute........

How do I break this