Update: He came home to say that he was wrong. That his gut reaction to say that he couldn't promise me no more affairs came from a place of strong resentment for ways that I've ignored his needs during our marriage. He said that he would discontinue contact with the OW and all of his female friends and coworkers (one of whom he admitted to having romantic feelings for, and another who he admitted he would have had an affair with had the opportunity arisen). He plans to leave his current office in the coming months. He said he would give me 100% of his time, attention and effort, and that if I decided to leave anyway, the house, car, kids, dogs, etc. are mine and he will financially support me so that I can continue with the same lifestyle I'm used to while staying home with the kids. He said he'll go to couple's counseling if I want to, and suggested that I get counseling by myself, too.

What do you guys think?

I think you've disrupted his status quo, and he doesn't like it. I also think he's saying an awful lot of pretty things. But there's nothing in your post that indicates any action on his part.

I would ask him to write an NC letter to his current OW, for starters. Then I would suggest that he talk to Steve Harley to help him get straight. I can tell you from personal experience that couples counseling can be a real waste of money. Your best bang for the buck is to counsel with the Harleys.

See what his reaction is to that.

Thanks for the suggestion, maritalbliss.

Honestly, I know that staying is a stupid thing to do. He's so used to garnering huge amounts of attention (and satisfaction) from other women (emotionally, physically, etc.) that it seems next to impossible for him to actually change that.

And the fact that I actually felt GUILTY about asking him to get rid of all his friends (he has not one male buddy) means I'm ridiculously prone to let this happen again.

But I really would like to give him one more chance. I did tell him that if I don't leave now, I absolutely will kick his butt to the curb at even a hint of an infraction on his part in the future.

I'm not going to say that it's stupid for you to want to stay. This is your life and you get to make that call. But I do think there's going to have to be significant change on his part and he has to be willing to do the work.

Let me re-phrase something so you'll stop feeling guilty about it, ready?:
The fact of the matter is that he has no business having female friends. So he'll need to start hanging with the guys at the water cooler.

Thanks so much for that rephrasing. This is exactly what I need.

He just called me and told me that the OW called him on his work phone this morning to say that her 'psycho ex-boyfriend' is being horrible to her and sent that email. She asked him to get into my email account and send it to her so she could read it. He didn't do it, but when I asked if he told her not to contact him anymore, he said "I left her with the impression that there won't be any more contact." WHAT THE HECK??????

Hello PA,

You say that your WH is sexually insatiable, emotionally needy and only has female friends...

What do you REALLY think is the reason he does not want you to travel with him and thinks you would be "bored" and doesn't want to make arrangements for the kids so that you can accompany him on his "business trips"?

God bless.

Jim

Jim, I've kept excellent tabs on him lately, and there hasn't been opportunity for an affair recently, but I assume it's only a matter of time and he's been setting himself up for the opportunity.

And by the way, I just called the OW, called her out on being a pretty pittiful human being, and said no more contact period. Then I called WH and told him to grow some b***s.

NC letter. Tonight.

Can someone screen his calls? Is there a receptionist? Does he have Caller ID on his work phone?

Apparently, she called the office, mentioned she's a colleague (she is in the same profession and they attended graduate school together), and they put her through. THEN, and here's the topper, he said "I can't talk in front of everyone, call me on my cell phone."

He had the nerve to say to me (when I was mad that he hadn't told her bluntly to buzz off) "...but we've been friends for a long time..."

Well, you've gotta figure that he's a wayward. They say all kinds of weird things.

Your WH needs to inform the receptionist that he is receiving unwanted calls. She needs to screen this person out.

You'll need to role play with your WH for the next possible contact. And he's pretty darned close to the proper way to handle it, which is:
WH: "I can't talk in front of everyone, let me call you right back." Then he gets the number and calls YOU. YOU call HER and unleash a little righteous wife indignation on her.

BTW, In addition to writing the NC letter, WH needs to change his cell phone number. Today.

PA,

By saying there has been no opportunity for an affair I take it there have been no more overnights away from you and you have demanded that there are no more overnight "business trips"?

Dr.Harley states that a couple should NEVER spend their nights away from each other for this very reason.

Why would you think that the OW or another OW could not be seeing him on his "business trips that you should not accompany him on" ESPECIALLY since you have a "take it or leave it attitude" about sex, particularly with someone like your WH who is "insatiable" about sex. Where do you think he has been satisfying himself?

Jim

NC letter tonight or else.

But how should he end the relationships with various other women in his life? My suggestion was to say "I have been unfaithful and lost my wife's trust, and in order to regain her trust and show her that I am completely committed to making her feel safe and loved with me again, I need this relationship to end. We cannot spend time together, discuss non-work related issues, text, or have any other type of contact from this point on." His suggestion (and how he's handling things today) is to avoid them and look busy.

Jim, I'm glad you're being hard on me. Thank you.

These trips haven't been over-nighters, but neither were most of the times he was with the OW.

I don't think he has to make big statements every time a woman approaches him. Body language should do the trick. And you can help him role-play that, as well. Practice being a 'friend' and approach him while he's 'working at his desk.' What possible interaction would there be? Brainstorm that and practice. For example, how would he handle a woman approaching his desk with a work-related matter, but she leans in a little to closely to him. His response would be to move his chair back and stand up with the chair between them while discussing the work-related matter.

Think of other scenarios - and he might have more than you. Role play these. It will help him establish firm boundaries with women if he's had practice.

In my sitch, my H and I role-played a few different scenarios and he thought it was great. He had no conscious experience with setting boundaries before the A, so he learned a lot.

Oh - another thing we've done while role-playing is to keep me in the forefront of his interactions: if a woman approaches him at work and comments on his great-smelling cologne, his response is: "I'll tell my wife - she loves the scent, too, and got it for me as a gift."

He brings me up in conversation frequently, always in a positive, loving way. And that's with males or females.

I think we can try this. I didn't really want him to go through that whole spill with all of the women in the office, mainly just the two who he spends huge amounts of time with and is in constant communication with, one of them whom he's admitted to having romantic feelings for, and who he's gone to great lengths to try to include in our lives and our kids' lives up until this point.

PA,

Anyone he has had an A with either an EA or a PA should be sent a NC letter.

From this point on it is necessary to for the "other women in his life" to see you in the role of his wife, lover, and best friend...

It is necessary for them to SEE this or they will believe his lies to them.

I really think that if at all possible you should make appearances at his work for lunch and let them ALL see you with him having a great time.

Send him little tokens of appreciation like a BIG card or a teddy bear, something to let others SEE you are in love with him and take note of HOW he acts in front of them...

When Mrs.Flint was wayward I sent her flowers and went to visit her when I knew they had been delivered and...

found them in the closet.

God bless.

Jim

Wow, Jim - in the closet? That's remarkably harsh.

The thing is, I do go to his office pretty frequently. I stop by when I'm in the neighborhood, say hi to everyone, have met all of these women many times, sometimes I bring the kids, he even has a few of those tokens from me on permanent display there. Despite all this, he is still wandering and some of these women are pretty aggressive in their pursuits (because he lets them be). I have to wonder if they all just feel very, very bad for the dopey wife.

PA,

Have you considered getting a Voice Activated Recorder for his car yet? Another thing would be to put a GPS on his car and see where he goes during lunch and also after work.

Jim

I've considered a recorder, spyware for his phone, I even mentioned to him that he should put a GPS on the car so I know where he is just to see his reaction to the idea. He was pretty indifferent. As I said earlier, he frequently has to make in-home visits with clients for work, so I don't know how I would even tell these apart from non-work house calls.

I don't know much about this kind of thing. I suppose I need to look into it more. What a sad, scared way to live.

PA,

You are in luck because right below Surviving an Affair is a forum called Operation Investigate that has a LOT of information on GPS, VAR's, keylogging and other investigating tools!

Killing the affairs and restoring your M is a PROCESS...

You just keep swatting it until the beast destroying your M is dead...dead...dead!!!

When you are back on level ground without having the A's interference you may be surprised at how wonderful your M can be...

but first you've got to kill the A.

Jim