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I recently found out that my husband of 10 1/2 years cheated on me! With a man! I am devastated!!! I had no clue!!! I just picked up his phone and saw a text from a "friend" saying he thought our marriage was over. I started crying uncontrollably and screaming no, no, no! My husband rushed into the room and asked what was wrong. I asked him who this person was. He had no reply. He than held me down and told me the affair was over. That it only happened once and that he was disgusted with himself. He says he wants our marriage to work. This was all three weeks ago. This past weekend we went out of town, and while gone I found out it did happen more than once. I am totally crushed. I don't know what to think. How can I trust him? How do I make this work? Do I want it to work? I love him more now than when I married him but I don't know if I can get past this! Any suggestions?
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Hi HM, welcome to Marriage Builders! Sorry you are here. I would get the book Surviving an Affair as soon possible so you understand what you are dealing with. In the meantime, check out these links: How to Survive Infidelity your greatest weapon against the affair: When Should An Affair Be Exposed?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks! I actually have the book already. But it's all about male/female affairs. I will check out the links though.
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Thanks! I actually have the book already. But it's all about male/female affairs. I will check out the links though. Don't worry, it applies to all affairs. It applies to your situation. You would use the same tactics to save your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks! I actually have the book already. But it's all about male/female affairs. I will check out the links though. Do not have sex with your husband until you have both been checked for sexually transmitted diseases.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Oh definately! I already took care of that and made him see our doctor. It's so embarrassing to me. I feel so dirty myself and I did nothing wrong. I am trying everyday to put it behind me but every time I look at him I feel like I don't know who I'm looking at. I'm so angry but I still love him so much. I want to leave but yet I don't. I'm so confused.
Me 35 yrs old
Husband 36 yrs old
Married 10 1/2 years
Discovered affair 3/6/11
Marriage rocky but still together!!!!
Determined to survive!!!!
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Hi there Hurt,
I just wanted to let you know that what you are feeling is normal, everyone that has dealt with an affair in the marriage, feels the same.........it is such a difficult thing to deal with, this is a great place to get a plan together for your marriage and yourself........
First of all you have to make sure there isn't anymore contact between them
and then you have to set up boundaries to make sure the situation can never happen again....
Complete transparency needs to happen and then the two of you work together to fill each other's emotional needs and the relationship should get back to a good place,
IC and MC might also be very helpful, good luck and welcome aboard....
jessi
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Thanks Jessi! I found this site last night and I'm so glad I did! My husband says it's all over and I have access to check everything. But he won't tell me everything. Says he's trying to protect me. Which I appreciate. But I still want to know why, how long, where, ect...! He is seeing a counselor, I start next week and we are going to start couples counseling. Any other suggestions?
Me 35 yrs old
Husband 36 yrs old
Married 10 1/2 years
Discovered affair 3/6/11
Marriage rocky but still together!!!!
Determined to survive!!!!
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Thanks! I actually have the book already. But it's all about male/female affairs. I will check out the links though. Don't worry, it applies to all affairs. It applies to your situation. You would use the same tactics to save your marriage. Hurt, this is very true, and I have heard Dr. Harley say so many times. You need the same things for recovery that any betrayed spouse needs: 1. No contact with the affair partner for the rest of his life. This is absolute no contact. No working at the same job, going to the same church, etc. Many couples find it helpful or necessary to move to a new city or state to ensure that there is absolutely no contact. 2. Extraordinary precautions to prevent a resurgence of the affair or a new affair with someone else. This includes radical honesty (transparency) about everything he is doing, thinking, plans for the future, personal history, etc. The conditions that led to an affair have to be completely eliminated. 3. Commitment to a marital recovery program. I took this list from a recent post by board member Doormat_No_More, but he got the list from Dr. Harley: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=163282&Number=2493824#Post2493824
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Hi again,
some people need to know the details, but maybe you could focus on the feelings at the time instead of the actual facts.........why have that in your head.......it doesn't help believe me......
How did you find out? Have you exposed the affair to anyone? Was it someone he works with?
Do you have a plan for recovery yet, there is plenty of info on the site and you could consider online counseling from the Harley's
Again sorry you are here, but you are among friends willing to help
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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My husband says it's all over and I have access to check everything. But he won't tell me everything. Says he's trying to protect me. Hurt, this is not good. Your marriage will not recover if your husband does not establish transparency for you. Instead of trying to protect you and decide what you do or do not need to know, you need him to adopt the policy that you are the one to decide what you need to know. If he really wants to protect you, then he needs to make it possible for you to protect yourself.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Thanks Jessi! I found this site last night and I'm so glad I did! My husband says it's all over and I have access to check everything. But he won't tell me everything. Says he's trying to protect me. Which I appreciate. But I still want to know why, how long, where, ect...! He is seeing a counselor, I start next week and we are going to start couples counseling. Any other suggestions? HM, he will need to answer all your questions if trust is to be ever be regained. He is not protecting you by withholding facts about YOUR LIFE. His affair is pertinent information about your life. Most marriage counselors do not have the slightest idea how to save marriages so I would ensure that your MC follows these steps. This is what it will take to recover your marriage: "The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks again! I don't want the images in my head!!! True! But I'm just so full of questions! It was no one I know and they live about a 1 1/2 hour trip from us. I found out because my husband received a text from a "friend" of ours and I was going to reply because my husband was in the shower. But the text said the "friend" thought our marriage was over. I started reading through the previous texts and found everything. He immediately started telling me it was over and he was sorry. That he never meant for it to happen. He begs me everyday not to leave him. I've told him Im not going anywhere. To me marriage us forever but I never in a million years thought I'd be going through this. I gave told my best friend and my mom and dad, although my parents don't know it was with another guy. I don't know what my dad would do. We are also doing the couples devotional book from the movie Fireproof and he is doing the individual book from the same movie. Have you seen it? It's really good! Of course I'm a Christian so I have God on my side. He has been my rock and shield thru the past few weeks. I just found out on March 6th. That date will forever be in my mind!
Me 35 yrs old
Husband 36 yrs old
Married 10 1/2 years
Discovered affair 3/6/11
Marriage rocky but still together!!!!
Determined to survive!!!!
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Thanks MelodyLane! I will definately talk to him tonight!!! I've tried but so far he is not willing to talk about everything. He is slowly telling me things though. But I'll try again tonight!
Me 35 yrs old
Husband 36 yrs old
Married 10 1/2 years
Discovered affair 3/6/11
Marriage rocky but still together!!!!
Determined to survive!!!!
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Posts: 1,820
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I have seen the movie Fireproof, exposure is so your husband can be accountable for his actions, anyone that is important to him know, his parents, his siblings, his friends, work place. It just makes it harder for him to do it again or continue, I have to say that a lot of affairs go further under ground when they are discovered you need to keep checking until you are sure.
He is going to say everything you want to hear, but don't believe the words only his actions.........don't trust him for now, he will have to prove he can be trusted again..
It is really early in on discovery, don't be so willing to make him feel comfortable, you have a long way to go setting up boundaries.........he needs to feel a little scared about his life falling apart........consequences is a good thing, getting to the problem is key, have you seen anything before that you have tipped you off that he was capable of this?
lots to fix before forgivess is given.
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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I don't want the images in my head!!! True! But I'm just so full of questions! Hurt, one thing some couples have done is establish one timeslot each week to talk about the affair. The betrayed spouse writes their questions down ahead of time and doesn't ask them unless they have been on the list a few days, so he or she has had time to think it over and decide they really want the answer. BUT, your husband isn't showing that he's willing to be transparent. I would imagine that makes you suspicious of everything!! And rightly so. It sounds like there are some even more damaging things that he does not want you to find out. It was no one I know and they live about a 1 1/2 hour trip from us. It sounds he is going to need to change his life in such a way that it is impossible for him to take a 1 1/2 hour trip alone without your knowledge. But the text said the "friend" thought our marriage was over. I started reading through the previous texts and found everything. He immediately started telling me it was over and he was sorry. Did the texts you saw indicate that the affair was over? He begs me everyday not to leave him. I would tell him: "I am willing to give our marriage a chance if you will agree to never see this man again as long as you live, and will go through the Marriage Builders program of marital recovery with me." Make it clear that he needs to actually DO something! Have you read Dr. Harley's article about Just Compensation? It's a three-part article: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.htmlhttp://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042b_qa.htmlhttp://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042c_qa.htmlWe are also doing the couples devotional book from the movie Fireproof and he is doing the individual book from the same movie. Have you seen it? It's really good! I've seen Fireproof and really liked it, but one thing I didn't like about The Love Dare is that the ideas may seem really loving to some recipients but not to others. For example, some women love flowers and others simply do not care and they mean nothing to them. In my opinion it's better to get enough information about each other that the caring things you do for each other are things that the other person actually likes. This is what you have to do if you want to have a marriage with romantic love. Romantic love is the litmus test to find out if your caring love is being carried out properly or not.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Hurt, being a Christian, I thought you might appreciate this Bible verse about the value of exposure: Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God. This is John 3:20-21. Dr. Harley has a Christian devotional guide for his marriage program coming out later this year which is going to talk about the Christian underpinnings of his program. But I think it's going to be focusing on the more positive aspects. 
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Thanks for all the above info. I'm planning on talking to him tonight about all the info I've been given. I know it's an uphill battle!
Me 35 yrs old
Husband 36 yrs old
Married 10 1/2 years
Discovered affair 3/6/11
Marriage rocky but still together!!!!
Determined to survive!!!!
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Posts: 267
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Um... I'm really surprised no one has brought up the elephant in the room - your husband's sexual orientation. This is not just a normal affair - he may truly be attracted to men and felt forced to hide it during your marriage.
I'm sorry for the pain you're going through - you certainly don't deserve it, and needless to say he should have been more honest with you and himself before marriage about hiss desires and feelings.
I'm not saying that he is 100% homosexual - perhaps somewhere on the sliding spectrum from homosexual to heterosexual, but, it's time for him to be honest. How long has he been attracted to men? Did he repress it out of shame? Is he truly attracted to women or not?
His answers to those questions will determine whether or not the marriage can be saved. If he's coming out of the closet and is gay, then you're fighting a losing battle.
Being homosexual is not a choice; it's genetic. Why has no one brought this up until me?
Anyway, keep us posted. Best wishes through this difficult time.
Peter
Formerly ConfuzedHusband
BH
WW (Now XW)
Married 4 years, No children.
EA/PA from 2/2008 to 5/2008.
DDay: 5/17/2008 - Separated 6/1/2008 - Filed 8/3/2008
Divorce final 3/2009.
Now in a committed relationship with a woman of character who loves me so much better and deeper than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea what I was missing out on and am so grateful God gave me a free "second chance" at love and life.
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nvm
Last edited by Arpeggi; 03/31/11 05:06 PM. Reason: Oops - double post
Formerly ConfuzedHusband
BH
WW (Now XW)
Married 4 years, No children.
EA/PA from 2/2008 to 5/2008.
DDay: 5/17/2008 - Separated 6/1/2008 - Filed 8/3/2008
Divorce final 3/2009.
Now in a committed relationship with a woman of character who loves me so much better and deeper than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea what I was missing out on and am so grateful God gave me a free "second chance" at love and life.
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