eol,

I respectfully suggest you take the actions suggested above. Your being proactive in this will help to calm you.

I would also not tolerate any affair conversations in your home. If you catch her communicating, I would interrupt that conversation and tell her to take it out of your home. It is extremely disrespectful to you and your child.

Is this OM married?

No, never married, no kids.

You have verified this independently? Meaning this isn't information you received thru your WW, right?

He's definitely not married. No kids. He's connected to my WW's sport group.

As fate would have it, my WW ended up staying with her girlfriend until after 11 last night, consoling her because of her own marital troubles. The friend is also on the receiving end of an adulterous spouse.

It's an interesting dynamic, because neither my WW's best friend nor mother would offer my WW any support for her EA behavior, since they are both victims of infidelity.

I have independent confirmation that's where she was. Plus the OM is out of town at the moment.

So, there was no opportunity to to confront her with her emails arranging to be called by him when I'm not home. Damn, that one hurts.

And in the morning, our child was up, and I won't do this when he's at home and awake.

Is the consensus to not do this? To wait and gather more evidence? That feels wrong to me, but my instincts suck.

She also spent the afternoon sending me messages to arrange fun time together, and inviting me to join her friends for drinks. She hasn't doone that in a year.

endofline - I'm a victim of an emotional affair who found this site at a time when I thought it was possible to save my marriage. I didn't - I've started a thread in Divorcing/Divorced.
I won't TJ (thread-jack) by telling my whole story, but I will give you this piece of advice - FIGHT LIKE HELL TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE and do this by taking advice such as that quoted above. Don't mess around with this - make the demand that she end the relationship and end contact with this other guy NOW. That includes texting, calls, Facebook, etc. He is attacking your marriage - he is attacking your family. This is war, my friend. Get a keylogger. Get a VAR. Do whatever it takes but fight as hard as you can and listen to the advice you're getting here.

My marriage is ending, but I know deep down inside that I did everything to save it. You need to do the same.

God Bless and good luck

It's up to you if you want to save your marriage or not, but you have a child together and that, in my books, is worth fighting for. Even if down the road you decide it's not salvagable or worth it, you might want to consider going for custody...and in that event, all of the ammunition you have will be of help to you. So PLEASE think with a clear head, keep cool, and listen to what MelodyLane tells you, she's helped so many here, take the steps she directs you to take. Meanwhile, YOU keep the power by remaining cool and collected, calm, no LB, no DJ, there is time enough for a battle later on, right now state to her that OM is a dealbreaker with consequences, and protect your child from all this mess. Gather information, gather, gather, gather! That can aid you should you need it later on. And you might want to start thinking about exposure once you've collected evidence...but get the goods first.

If she's using the home phone you can easily record all the calls. Go to Radio Shack and get a phone recording adapter. This will convert the phone line into a microphone plug. Get a digital , voice activated recorder. Plug the phone adapter into the recorder and you will have all of their conversations recorded.

eol,

Listen to the advice. Do NOT leave your house. The fact is that you have the upper hand right now, because you KNOW she is lying to you, and she has no clue that you know about the lies.

That puts you in the position to build up a very strong Plan A. Read up on that, and also look for the thread "Carrot and Stick of Plan A".

You deal out very good Plan A stuff when you see glimpses of your true wife. When the wayward wife shows herself, then you deal out the "stick" of Plan A.

Plan A works to show you at your best.

Meanwhile, you look at what she is doing - you continue to spy and gather evidence.

You tell her that you do NOT want the OM in the marriage, that you do NOT talk about divorce, and that you refuse to give up on recovering the marriage from the insult and betrayal this man means to your marriage. Period. Do NOT back down on it.

Keep repeating things to her like, "I want our marriage to work, and for that to happen the OM must no longer be in the picture"

"I want our marriage to work, and you must stop contact with him"

Then CHANGE THE SUBJECT, for example, "I completely refuse to accept your relationship wtih the OM. Do you want some coffee, I made some fresh."

State your position, then change the subject. Do not engage in negotiating anything with her until she stops contact with the other man. Stand your ground.

SB

This is soooo critical. Please listen to this advice. Contact of any kind must stop. The OM must be out of the picture or your efforts will fail. Believe me.

That sounds like fantastic advice. If anything, it's the exact opposite of what I always do, so it has to be better than what I've already gotten.