Mehr,

You started off great here at MB, but fell short in executing the proper plan A which calls for nuclear exposure EVEN IN THE WORKPLACE.

And that is why he's off again to teeter totter, do the emotional see saw back and forth to the posow yet again.

YOU have to KILL the affair. YOU MUST expose them AT WORK or this will do nothing but emotionally kill YOU by 1,000 paper cuts until you wave the white flag, surrender to the evil affair, and give the s*utty ow what she wants (to destroy your marriage and the lives of you and your little kids).

There has to be no safe zone for your wh and the ow now. Work CANNOT BE A SAFE ZONE. That is why the heat of exposure must be lit! Light the fires n kick the tires! Time to let the human resources office, all the coworkers, and even the prez or ceo of the company KNOW THEY HAVE TWO POTENTIAL LAWSUITS on their hands and two ticking time bombs. Plus it's damn immoral at the center of everything.

Get started reading the link that MF gave you to learning what the best plan B can be and get the paper and ink (and favorite perfume. Something I did to my plan B letter to trigger a memory and an attachment to me even though I was gone..and it worked).

Your kids depend on you to go to WAR against this affair 100 percent! Not 80%. Not 90%. Not even 99%. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT WAR.

No skirting the whole MB plan anymore Mehr. It's time to WORK THE PLAN that WORKS!

His going back is normal! Its in the book Surviving An Affair.
Sue goes back after initially coming home.
Go dark to plan B for him and stay dark and firm and have some hope though you move forward without him at least for the forseeable future.

Now, OW will have to meet all his needs. Ha! She can not (unless she is unique and I am betting she is not!)

I mean DARKER THAN DARK plan B. And you have to expose. Make it tough to have their little "lurve cocoon" at work, their "rutting lair" and make that place a PLACE OF TORTUROUS STRESS where their neighbors and bosses put them under the scrutiny of being like a microbe under an electron microscope because everybody WILL KNOW THEY ARE HAVING A SLEAZY AFFAIR.

You gotta take out the comfort zone of work and the core of where the affair began.

He has to know he can't come home and eat a good meal or hug the kids and put them to zzz at night. He has to know that Mehr will not be there to have a delightful conversation with him each night or feel the love of affection after he comes home from work. No sleeping in on saturdays with Mehr and have the kids come running into the room jumping on the bed.

Nope. It will all be gone and he will SEE what a BLEAK AND DISMAL future it will be with his skanky rutting partner, the posow, a woman who DOES NOT LOVE YOUR KIDS, just loves wanting to steal your home, your money, and maybe your husband. Trust me, the ow NEVER really wants the kids.

((((mehr))))

Sorry this has happened to you. Take a moment and breathe. Do you have your Plan B all planned out? Is there anything we can help you figure out? You CAN do this.

You are going to prepare yourself for a dark as night Plan B and you will execute it perfectly. Then, in a short time, you will start to feel better. I can PROMISE you that as long as you stick to MB and execute it as best as you can, you WILL be better.

mehr, did you expose this?

Don't believe she told her husband/OW's employer...yet?

I was somewhat prepared for this. I told one of my friends on Sunday night that if he does go back to her, hopefully it at least damages their "magical" relationship. She seems to think they have a future together.... together forever... so that is why I allowed it despite him not having left the workplace. NOW I will not allow him to return without leaving the job first.

I did read Surviving an Affair... more than once. I already had my Plan B letter written and was going to give it to him when he left to go back to her place on Sunday. It felt like time. I had already talked to my in laws about being the intermediary and dropping the kids at their place when he asks to see them. Instead that day he and his dad went and got his stuff and came back here. He is a huge cake eater. He's gone back and forth between us all month, OW has no idea about the cake eating.

Once he was here, it was clear that I was not going to tolerate contact with her and he struggled with withdrawl. He was very genuine in his effort I believe, changing his phone and all, but he got weak.

I am reading that thread about doing Plan B right.

I said in my last thread, some of the people at his job know. I just can't expose with the letter because I don't believe it would do good. I guess I'll have to live with that choice if this goes to divorce.... I think I can. It is a huge workplace and I don't think that either of them would get fired. I talked to someone that I know that works there about this.

Thanks for the support... sorry about all the threads.

Well, if you ever want a real chance at recovery, that job needs to go FIRST. So, next time, he doesn't even speak to you while he is still working there. I think it is a mistake not to tell the workplace, and I hope you aren't going to take any further short cuts with the MB plans. This is all or nothing to be its most effective. Half azzing it will get you half azzed results(if that). Don't be one of those people who look back and say, "If only."

Also, having your ILs as IMs is a BAD BAD idea. I dunno if they would work out well as a drop off place either, but you need to find yourself someone else as an IM.

I agree, the job will need to be gone before I will speak to him about restoration.


I was just reading that in laws are bad IM's.... having trouble figuring out someone else... I don't want him in our home, and I don't want to drop the kids off at HER place.... thinking.

In Plan B, he can NOT be in your home and you would NOT go to her place, EVER.

As far as your IM, do you have any friend who can help you? She needs to remain neutral. I first used a couple who are friends to BOTH WH and I. It didn't work out because it was emailing and they lost internet. Then I used a friend of mine, who has no love lost with WH and she is really STRONG, and that didn't work. My current IM is golden and I am glad to have the peace of mind knowing she is taking care of it for me.

Rack your brains, think think think. Who could you use?

What would happen if instead of using my friend the IM, he sent msgs through his parents anyway? I have a friend in mind but if I were to guess, he'd send msgs through his parents anyway... might be worth a try though

Your WH will NOT like using the IM especially in the beginning...he may even freak out...so whoever you chose will have to be able to remain calm, neutral and be a good filter.

Please have them read this: LINK

The job is what is sealing the 2 of them together. I know this stuff is hard - - I lived through this also.

It concerns me that you will try and find a job with 4 children but you can't expose at work.

Do the Plan B, send him a letter with everything spelled out but understand as long as he is working with her the addiction is there. You need to blow this out of the water. Who cares what he thinks, she thinks, FIL anyone. You are trying to save your M. Don't tell him -- just do

Then, if his job must go before you even consider taking him back, then there's no reason not to expose to his workplace.

Not following your logic here...you stand a good chance of actually speeding up this process by exposing to his employer.

mehr, your best shot is sending the letter and I would also re-expose the A all around letting folks know that your H has abandoned you and the kids for OW. Did you expose to the OW's folks, etc?

Even if they aren't fired, it DOES make an impact knowing that they have been exposed. My sister's H had a workplace A and she sent the letters and did a NUCLEAR exposure, including to their mutual FB friends and OW's relatives on FB. An investigation was done and it was documented, they weren't fired but it did KILL the A!

Please rethink your strategy here.

I'm sorry to hear that he's gone back to OW, mehr. But not surprised. You have been selective about listening to the posters here. That's not unusual. Quite a few betrayeds don't get the concept of exposure because it sounds disloyal to their spouse, or they're afraid the spouse will get mad/fired, etc. That's when they start figuring out how to cut that part of the process out.

The problem is that they give up on their main opportunity to separate the affairees when they decide that their situation is an exception to the rule.

If you don't wish to expose that's up to you. But please, please consider following the advice given to you about Plan B!

Okay, Mehr. You cut corners on exposure and now you are trying to cut corners on Plan B. When you decide that you want to follow MB advice and actually do ALL of it, instead of picking things you like, like you are picking items off of a menu at a restaurant, you will see a real difference. What is your goal here? An amicable D, or a real chance to save your marriage? It's your life, so it's your choice. I hope you make the right one.

Hi Mehr,

Okay now is the time to go dark and really make him live his life without you in it.....this is the only way he will figure out which relationship is more important, the best way to have him really figure out the OW is to have him live the life with her, let her fill all his needs, watch how quickly she will disappoint him.......Don't worry about the finances he can't just leave you high and dry the courts will not allow this..........
let him take the kids, let the OW feel like what life will be like with 4 kids along with your husband.......maybe not something she really planned on.
Don't fill any of his needs, none, go dark, no contact........send him that Plan B letter, get an IM so the transfer of the kids can happen without you having to see him.............
Let it play out, work on yourself and make sure you do not take him back while he is still in contact with the OW any longer......
Stand up for yourself, be strong, you deserve to be respected not disrespected.......being firm on your boundaries it's the only way it works.........
jessi

How am I cutting corners on Plan B? I am not trying to.

Yes I did expose to her family/friends, etc.

About the job... suppose I send that letter.... trying to work the nerve.... where is that pesky form letter... I had it written up before.

I am doing all of this... definitely. I was afraid he would come back for his stuff so I gave it to his parents and they said they would let him know they have it. That way he has no excuse to stop by our house.