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good job
be strong dont give in................a good plan gets good results.
jessi
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Maybe I shouldn't have let him return until we had them in place, but I felt like even if he goes back this will hurt their relationship (him leaving her) so I did. Any advice? Now you're seeing the results of not following a plan. He returned home to the same situation. You set the bar so low that he didn't have to do anything but continue as normal. Do you understand that Plan B is to protect YOU? It is to protect any love that you have left for him. Here's Dr. Harley on Plan A & Plan B (bold emphasis mine): Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.
So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B.
Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B. You can read more about it here.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Re-exposing is crucial here ~ I would expose again and DEFINITELY to the workplace. That's really non-negotiable. That could very easily be the final nail in the coffin for the A.
Even if they don't get fired they will be humiliated in front of their co-workers, everyone will know what a homewrecker the OW is and the female co-workers will want to keep her away from their husbands and the male co-workers will see her as a snake. Your H will be seen as a scumbag.
These are CONSEQUENCES of their A. They SHOULD be ashamed and humiliated and trust me ~ when their co-workers find out and your H and the OW see the disgust in their faces when the truth comes out, that alone could very easily kill the A.
That is how my H's A died, the day I exposed.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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Do you see what not exposing the workplace did?
It allowed them to carry on their A. No one there knew (or not nearly enough people) and they felt "safe" to carry the A on.
You said you know he loves you...but that the addiction is too strong. Think of your H as an alcoholic ~ if he was trying to get clean, would you let him go to a bar? Of course not.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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Please expose at work... it did not break up my husbands affair, but they were investigated and embarrassed. I do not regret it. My husband too, tried to reconcile, 3 wks later he said he wanted a divorce. I had no boundaries. Then Go to Plan B immediatly. I have not spoken or seen my husband since he told me he wanted a divorce. Get in control and Plan B is the only way.
Me BW 43 / WH 44
2 DS 7 and 4
D day 8-2010
Asked him to leave 9-10
Exposed 11-10
FR 1-2011
Back with OW / In Plan B 2-11
False Recovery Back in Plan B 7-12
Divorced
Better Life in Progress!
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How am I cutting corners on Plan B? I am not trying to.
Yes I did expose to her family/friends, etc.
About the job... suppose I send that letter.... trying to work the nerve.... where is that pesky form letter... I had it written up before. Okay, hang on a second, mehr. Get yourself pulled together, here. You're trying to do everything all at once now. Form a PLAN. What is your PLAN? How did you expose to her family and friends? Who actually knows? Her parents? What was the response to your exposure?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Mehr, the way I see you cutting corners is by still trying to use your In-laws as your IMs. You have seen and read that that is a BAD BAD idea. We told you that you needed to expose to the workplace, and you decided it wasn't for you, even though you were told it was part of the plans. Now, we are telling you to find someone else. You need to find someone else to be your IM. A sample exposure letter, written by Brit's Brat, a MB member and corporate attorney:
To Whom It May Concern:
This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.
WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.
If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.
Regards,
BS hope this helps and I hope you go through with exposure at the workplace. It IS important.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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It's time to either roll over Mehr and let the skanky immoral ow come into your house. Why not go give her your house key? And remind the kids to be nice and polite to her too, since you're NOT ENDING THIS AFFAIR by EXPOSING it to the utmost of your ability.
Either you roll over Mehr, going "paws up" or else you stand up as a woman and mother and fight this with every bit of energy you have.
Also a bit of legalese to you too...DO NOT GO GET A JOB. Why? You need to be seen LEGALLY AS A FULL TIME STAY AT HOME MOM. For the calculation of 1)child support and 2)for securing FULL CUSTODY of your children.
If you should have to file legal separation paperwork, you need to be able to prove those two things for honestly, a settlement to go your way.
Trust me, my xh tried to get me to go to work for quite a while as our son was very young.
Mehr, child support is calculated on incomes. He pays less if you earn more. Get it?
DO NOT GO GET A JOB. If you're hurting for money, realize this jacka@s of a man, is FINANCING AN AFFAIR too, and that is expensive. YOU make him pay if things are getting tought $-wise.
Now expose at work or this will be in the end a divorce, rather than a dark plan B and possibly separation.
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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How am I cutting corners on Plan B? I am not trying to.
Yes I did expose to her family/friends, etc.
About the job... suppose I send that letter.... trying to work the nerve.... where is that pesky form letter... I had it written up before. Okay, hang on a second, mehr. Get yourself pulled together, here. You're trying to do everything all at once now. Form a PLAN. What is your PLAN? How did you expose to her family and friends? Who actually knows? Her parents? What was the response to your exposure? Ok. I am going to expose to the work place. That really scares me and I don't know why. I am going to ask one of my other friends to be the IM... but I can still use IL's house as a place for him to visit them right? Because I don't want him in our house or he might sneak marital property. How did I expose... well I called people the night I found out. Lots of people. His family knows, our friends, my family, our pastor. Then I came on here and you guys said to also tell HER people. So I did that through facebook messages.... I did research, found out who her mama is  and her brother and her brother's wife, etc. and I gave them a version of the form letter you guys gave me. The response... his family is trying to get us back together... everyone in our circle is not okay with this.... her circle though, sounds like trailer trash. So they are okay with it. Though i heard that her brother was mad at first at the OW, but then became mad at me (I presume after she gave her version of the story)... a couple people wrote back and said "Not my business." So the rocks they can hide under are all in her circle because his family won't tolerate it.
Married 1/2000.
D-Day 3/7/11. WH moved in with OW and they married in 2013.
Single mom of 4.
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Maybe I shouldn't have let him return until we had them in place, but I felt like even if he goes back this will hurt their relationship (him leaving her) so I did. Any advice? Now you're seeing the results of not following a plan. He returned home to the same situation. You set the bar so low that he didn't have to do anything but continue as normal. You know, I don't think I can agree with this... because in Surviving an Affair Sue asked to return home once and Jon accepted... I do see what you are saying, but Dr. harley didn't tell Jon not to accept... I think doing it a second time would be extremely stupid though. The job would have to be gone...
Married 1/2000.
D-Day 3/7/11. WH moved in with OW and they married in 2013.
Single mom of 4.
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I'm sorry I lost it, does anyone have a copy of that form letter for exposing to work?
Married 1/2000.
D-Day 3/7/11. WH moved in with OW and they married in 2013.
Single mom of 4.
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You know, I don't think I can agree with this... And you think doing it your way is working?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I am too beat up for this... just beat me up some more... this site is so harsh 
Married 1/2000.
D-Day 3/7/11. WH moved in with OW and they married in 2013.
Single mom of 4.
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Scotty posted the BritsBrats letter for you, scroll up.
mehr, don't despair. Fight, OK? Use all the tools you've got. Expose and then do the best Plan B you can. Yes, you are going to get some 2x4s but you are ALSO getting tons of great advice and support.
Hang in there.
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I am too beat up for this... just beat me up some more... this site is so harsh Oh, mehr, honey! Please don't bail now! And please don't think we're being harsh! We've been where you are! Please, please will you let us help you?? Don't leave here, sister! We want to help you save your marriage! Please, please expose. mehr 
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Look, I had to get some 2 x 4's also Mehr.
Your have four little reasons why you need to try and try with all your might. We care believe it or not and we don't know you.
It's not harsh. It's trying to get you to kill the affair and the safe zone is at work right? It can no longer be their comfort zone. We're pulling for you, but you kept saving the one place, their affair spawning nest, the office, as a place that so far, has been EXPOSURE FREE.
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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I see the letter.... I am typing one up.... I tried to do research though and could only find HUGE big wigs in the company...
Married 1/2000.
D-Day 3/7/11. WH moved in with OW and they married in 2013.
Single mom of 4.
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Do I have to ask them to call me... lol.... I think I am going to pass out in fear....
Married 1/2000.
D-Day 3/7/11. WH moved in with OW and they married in 2013.
Single mom of 4.
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I see the letter.... I am typing one up.... I tried to do research though and could only find HUGE big wigs in the company... I remember the site, mehr - did you manage to narrow it down to a more local exposure? You figured out the right departments? You can do this, sweetie! Sincerly yours, A fellow poster WHOSE HUSBAND'S AFFAIR ENDED THE DAY THE OWH EXPOSED THEM AT WORK.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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No I haven't narrowed it down. I think I will use the compliance and ethics guys and the human resources guy. Whoever is in charge of the general area that they work in would be nice... but I don't know who he is...
Married 1/2000.
D-Day 3/7/11. WH moved in with OW and they married in 2013.
Single mom of 4.
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