DEFINITELY use the Ethics & Compliance guy. I am that in my company and assure you that it is part of my job to make sure these types of things are investigated when the come to our attention.

So my friends said basically no to being the intermediary... they think no contact is a good idea but I should use the in laws... but that isn't going to work and that is already obvious. I had explained this no contact thing to them. I was asking if they could watch the kids for a bit on Monday, and MIL says "Did you ask WH?" Ummmm...

Also if I expose to what is WH/FIL's work place, I think I can count them as lost friends.

Not sure who to ask next, most of my/our closest friends are relatives... brothers, sisters, parents...

In your experience, if the exposure letter is found to be true by corporate investigation, what are the results. Is it always termination, a stern warning, etc.? I know every company is different, but is there some sort of generalization?

My WW works for a Fortune 100 company with 40K employees, so I would assume that they don't need the hassle and relieve her of her duties. Or must the company find hard evidence of company resources being used, even if they know the affair has occurred?

Do you have any relatives nearby?

Oh, and screw what your in-laws say or think about you exposing to your husband's employer. If they haven't come down on their son like a ton of bricks for this, then they aren't friends of the marriage and you should keep them at arms length. Remain civil for the grandkids, but just know who your real friends are.

Just my opinion, but if someone stays silent and doesn't openly condemn bad behavior, then that person is just as guilty as the person that openly supported bad behavior.

weolm,

What an employer does depends on that specific employer, their company policies and the circumstances. I work for an EXTREMELY large Fortune 100 company (130,000 employees). In my company, because of the way our company policies are written, the affair must somehow affect the workplace before action will be taken. Just the existence of an affair is not enough. So, for example, if the affair partners work in a supervisor/subordinate relationship, we would likely rearrange the work relationship so the one no longer reports to the other. If the affair partners are using company resources to further their affair (e.g., company cell phones, travel, expense accounts) more serious discipline up to and including discharge would be considered.

I sent the letter today to just the two people, hope it is enough. I did say how it was affecting their job, I know they have both made mistakes because of the distraction, and that they spend time chatting on the clock. I mentioned both. We will see. It was very scary to send.

Today my in laws told me that WH wants to see the kids on his next days off at their house. It made me cry. I know its good he wants to see them, but just the whole.... him moving on in his life, being with her and being okay with not being in contact with me ... it feels a lot like divorce. I am so sad, I don't want this for the kids and I miss him.

my in laws are terrible intermediaries but I am having trouble finding another. My parents are not geographically close enough to be doable.

I think you need an IM who only does the communication aspect of the whole thing and maybe use the in-laws as a drop off point.

I am always unsure if my advise is sound, but if I had no one local to screen my e-mails etc, then I would go to whoever would be good. I have read so many stories where this was an issue.

I have thought about this question, but never had to do it.

Hang in there OK, I feel so bad for you. I am so sorry you are going through this.

HU

Well here's a real problem I can't figure out. WH has an unusual schedule because of where he works, and so he wants to see them Thursday and/or Friday.... while the in laws work.... so I will have to drop them off in his presense... I have no idea how to manage this with Plan B.... He works over the weekend when other people have off....

Great job on the exposure to the workplace. So is the exposure complete now?


How old are your kids? Can he come to the house, stay in his car and they walk out themselves?

Kids are 6, 4, 3, 1 ... and no because I have the van and they can't all fit into his car...

Oh and yes, that should complete the exposure.

What kind of car does he have? Maybe he should have thought about seeing his kids before he left them.

I think I would be so angry I would let HIM figure out how he plans on seeing his kids, not your problem.

Do not make this easy on him, this was his choice, not yours!

HU

Yeah, I've thought about that, but how would we afford all new carseats? Ugh-- we have no money because he is spending it all eating at fast food restaurants with HER. Apparently neither of them can cook.

In some ways Plan A was easier for me than Plan B. With Plan A I could see the constant waffling... one day "I miss you, I love you" ... then cold and distant... I had something to do, like a job.... with Plan B I just wait and I have NO IDEA what is going on. For all I know he's having a blast with her and he's glad I finally went away.

He must finance his KIDS before his AFFAIR. That is part of plan B. If he will not pay for his children, then the law will make him.

You must make things extremely difficult for him and for the affair.

Tough tacos if this guy spends all the family money eating out. His KIDS and his WIFE have to eat too, you know?

Plan B is good. It will make him miss home and the kids and you. It makes the posow 100 percent in the situation to have to make him happy and fill all his EN's. Trust me, if he was waffling at all, he will be making huge giant waffles in the next few weeks!

The ow cannot fill that goal, thus if the grandparents are horrible IM's (sounds like they are borderline enablers of your wh and his affair) then they cannot be used. Their house is not your waywards' safe zone for his seeing his kids.

You need to also make sure the grandparents KNOW and will not ENABLE your wh in allowing the posow around the kids at all at their home.

Oh Mehr,

My heart breaks for you. Did you say your family does not live close?

I can't imagine being at home with 4 little ones, changing diapers and feeding mouths. You really need some time to just have some down time.

Maybe someone will come on with an answer for you. I am really stumped.

HU

He definitely was waffling all the time, its why he came home.... but then once home I was not tolerating him to have both of us, so he went back.

I am paying bills and getting groceries and stuff on the day he gets paid, get the mnoey before he spends it. There still isn't enough for new carseats. I also called and reported the credit card lost or stolen so that he can't run up any more debt... only a couple hundred, but I could see he was not getting that we don't have the money.

Its so hard not to see any waffling. I worry he really doesn't miss me. I don't think I have been so insecure before!

i have determined that she snuck in and stole his intimate conversation need with her midnight chats when they got off work... affection/sex followed that, I need an STD test because there was cross over (sigh)... and even when the cat was out of the bag he couldn't stay away from me... every time he visited he would say "You are so hot. Man you look good. People would say I am crazy if they saw the two of you."

So... need I am currently meeting (or was the day I went Plan B)... domestic support and/or family committment... physical attractiveness... and in his words (stupid wayward), sexually "so many more possibilities with you" (I guess because I am thin and she is not) .... soooooo whatever the heck that means...

edit to add: Forgot about recreational companionship. He had that with me until he moved out and then she took that place, although in Plan A he was getting it both places. In his words... referring to his affair... "We just have fun together." Grr.

Plan B can be a mindset as much as literal. IMO, and many will disagree, you can make it worse by insisting on a dark plan B when you have a baby in arms. I never did dark plan B, but I definitely benifited from the concept. I would drop ds off with not even a glance toward XH. You have to cut off your emotions COMPLETELY from him. Pretend he doesn't exist. NOTHING. No animosity, no love. Just blank. Hand over the baby, the bottles and the diaper bag and walk back to your car.

((((hugs))) I know it is tough.

My suggestion is you pass kids over to ILs and have IM tell him to figure out how to cart all four kids in a vehicle without using the one you are using.
Maybe you can have ILs come to get kids from your car to take in to him too?
Have a better intermediary and
detach.
Do not let him be coddled by wondering how he will manage the fathering duties without your assistance. He is a big boy. He should be able to brainstorm ideas that don't include utilizing you as his hired nanny/chauffer

PLEASE DO NOT DO A WATERED DOWN VERSION OF PLAN B.

It may be harder in your sitch, but you need to figure it out. Any contact with your WH STRENGTHENS AND FEEDS THE AFFAIR. You don't need that. As you said, an EN you were meeting was PA, if he sees you, you fill it.

So, what kind of visitation schedule are you going to have? And have you separated your money yet? Do you know what you could legally get for CS? All of these things need to get figured out.

And being in Plan B, you shouldn't know that he is going out to eat. You shouldn't know ANYTHING about him, including how much money he doesn't have, etc. Plan B IS a state of mind, but that means that you have to change your way of thinking.

You need to be able to control the dropoffs and pick ups. What time do his parents leave for work and when do they arrive back home? It may put your children in some discomfort having to wake up to go there early, but it is what you need to do so you don't see him. Come on Mehr, think. You are doing so well. There takes some planning and work to get into a solid Plan B. In the end, it's worth it.

I know because of online banking, I do know how much child support I could get and its a lot less than i am getting by not separating the money. We aren't talking about money, I just look online, and spend what there is.

I am thinking about how to do this drop off thing.... I am lost on how to have him avoid seeing me when he wants to see them on a weekday.... I want to do this right, but I don't know how.