mehr-

My husband's infidelity, and his dumsel in distress ( love that article- my counselor had me read that a long time ago) was exactly that described scenario. She was a twit, and he tried to be her savior. So stupid. But I Plan A'd too long, but went to Plan B within a few days of posting on here.

I still maintain it saved my marriage. Don't second guess yourself. Trust yourself. You're a smart cookie. And no dumsel in distress.

That's exactly it... in Plan A I heard from him plenty about how he is essentially saving her, because her soon to be exhusband was horrible, she isn't very good looking and has 3 kids.... he said I would have a better chance to find someone (raise eyebrows, what a weird thing to say)... so he is playing the savior/rescuer. I said something about it to him and he said I am right. Um but yet he continues.

What happened in your plan B? Was it a long time? Have a thread about it?

I can't help but feel that I don't have as long in me as Dr. Harley recommends (2 years total).... if their relationship doesn't flop by soeme point .... I am just going to be ready for Plan D.... I don't know how long though.... I guess I'll know when I see it.

He was depressed even before but it got worse when he started the affair (hindsight). I hope he is HORRIBLY depressed right now. He needs to hit rock bottom ... fun just prolongs the affair.

You can read my thread. I exposed in March- kicked him put and went to B at the same time- he came back, then I sent him out again, because his withdrawal was so bad, but we started to heal beginning in September. And he moves in soon after that.

It was a longterm affair. And horribly messy. I can't believe some of the things I listened to. But affairs are ugly and hurtful, but things can turn around. They can.

As best as I have been able to uncover, this started as an inappropriate friendship sometime in the late fall, by December I think he started to have some feelings, and it didn't get physical until......... end February? Possibly 1st of March to be exact, they day he helped her move (but I didn't know at the time). I believe the feelings were revealed b/w them in middle of February, I am basing this on his rapid change in demeanor, it could have been earlier.

So this isn't a long term affair... so she isn't "old news" yet....

How do I find your thread? I was expecting a link in your signature or something....

Affairs, I am convinced occur when people of the opposite gender spend any time alone together.
Walking
Talking
Eating
etc.
It is so amazing that there are not more affairs destroying marriages and families now that I think of it.
I don't think being depressed is the factor that sways things.
Either a person starts spending time alone with a person of the opposite gender and keeps crossing lines of betraying their spouse or they don't cross the lines. It is a constant choice an individual makes.
The smartest choice is at the start. To never be alone with anyone who is the opposite gender for any reason.

I so believe this now.

I do.

I think being depressed doesn't=affair. I think *some people choose to self medicate in a depression, and the boundaries and choices go away faster than they would in a non depressed person, because the thrill gives them a hit faster. I don't think emotionally healthy people have affairs. I don't think emotionally healthy people are affair partners.

Mehr- look under my username, and view posts. I would prefer not to have a direct link in this thread, but you can find my thread that way.

Wow...love that quote. Thanks. Nik

I have decided to file for legal separation. I made an appointment with lawyer tomorrow. I hope they don't give me too hard of a time being a separation and not a divorce. This scares me a lot, I feel like by getting the ball rolling he might just keep it rolling into a divorce.... you know, since I am forcing him to lawyer up anyway.

He is just spending too much money and the money stress is affecting me so it has to go. We are not in contact (Plan B) but I check our online banking and in the last 10 days he has spent 478 dollars on eating out, movies, gas and groceries.... for one person (okay 2 since apparently he has to pay for her eating out every day, and 1 person doesn't spend 30 dollars at olive garden). I spent 262 on gas and groceries for 5 people. There is no money to pay the bills because he has been so foolish about the money. I had my intermediary let him know how much we have and he kept spending anyway. So I guess I have to do something legal.

But this is very scary close to divorce. I wonder if it is over.

I am wondering if I should include a letter to DH for him to get just after being served... maybe from his parents... to explain that I am still committed to him. I am not sure he would still think so after I file... What do you think???

I see I forgot to post this, but my 6.5year old son came home yesterday after "visitation" and said that when daddy was leaving before I got there he told daddy to stop "playing with" [name of OW] and come home and daddy said something about mommy telling him bad things (like maybe he thought I was prompting him but I am not) and 6.5yo kept insisting he needs to stop what he is doing and WH said "I love you, I love you, but me and OW get along and its what its supposed to be like..." over and over and 6.5yo didn't like that, he says "daddy should tell the truth and stop" ...

Something like that, 6.5 year old was telling me this so I don't know that I understand all that was said.

Does your H have the same OW mine had? LOL. I heard these exact same things.

YOU are doing great Mehr for going for the legal separation. Please serve him and depose the ow. Let them know you want (your mean bulldog attorney you get) an immediate hearing as he is destroying your family finances, and you are being placed in dire circumstances.

You get him on the stand. You get OW ON THE STAND too. You depose them in front of God and everybody!

It is ok to tell his parents, but I'd just say I still love my H, but I cannot allow our family to be put in peril and in financial jeopardy as he is putting his affair and his hobag ahead of his children and wife and the obligations.

I would also, if possible, ask for far more than you think. My old attny did this. You ask for far more, you make the WS see the writing on the wall, that they will go down if they go to a final hearing in court, and then they settle for a bit less, which is really more $ than you wanted anyhow.

My situation was wierd financially. It seemed like I got alot, but in reality my xh reported very little and shifted $ overseas and in different accounts all over the place (we had forensic accountant and he couldn't find it all). But when we had to negotiate with the actual monetary disclosures that he presented, it looked like I got a sweet deal. Better than most, but in light of his real worth (and the debt he left later on) it wasn't that great. But we tried the ask very very high, settle for better than we'd get if we went by the basic court numbers.

Do not feel sorry for your wh. He is lying to and emotionally harming your children by forcing them to be around the ow. I'd stop this right now and revoke him seeing them with ow around. Because of this, I'd ask for SOLE CUSTODY and for the ow to not be around when on visitation (if any) with their father.

How sad he is harming the emotions of the children. Waywards do not care who they hurt. Just lie and rewrite the truth and history.

Legal separation is a scary step but by its pure nature (you are not filing for D) it signifies you want to work on the marriage. If he makes it into a D it is not because you got the ball rolling.
If he makes it into a D, it will be because he is trying to prove to his OW that he 'loves' her.
We know that love is nothing more than love bank deposits that reach a certain level.
As betrayed spouses we also know that 'what goes up, can go down'.
Now stay dark. Even if he turns the legal sep into a D.

The best thing you can do is simply protect your finances and stay dark. Dark.

Your 6.5 year old is a doll.

My H was depressed as well...we had just met whom we suspect to be his birth mother and several counselors have said it was the perceived rejection from the adoption that sent him into a depression. She was at a funeral with her son who looks exactly like my H. It was so weird.

IDK if that is true or not but looking back it could not make better sense.

It really doesn't matter. The bottom line is if they had had better boundaries, depressed or not, an A would not have happened.

Hang in there. It does get better. Don't second guess yourself. You are doing the right thing. If you got back to my posts and late Feb/early March 2007 you can see I was in a place similar to you.

I didn't post a lot while in PB because I knew my H was reading here but you can still see some of what was going on.

We are getting closer to fully recovered every day, BTW. In PB you will recover no matter what, either in the M or by yourself. PB is the safest place for you.

Hug that baby and Mehr?

PROTECT that baby from further emotional harm from their wayward bio dad.

It is not divorce yet. But you are going to have to stand up and do what's right for yourself and the kids right now. It sets a precedence as to you being tough, not taking what he's doing, and showing him you will not allow him to mentally and emotionally harm the kids!

Do all of this and stay dark! Dark and remember..have no mercy on the waywards. They have shown none to you, your children, or to the family finances. Stand strong and tall!

Praying for you all.

P.S. you have exposed to her STBXH, right???

This A is probably the reason they are divorcing. Please tell me you exposed to him...that is SO important. OW lie all the time ~ they may or may not be divorcing, do not take your H's word for it nor the OW's. Talk to OWH yourself.

I will if I can!!! You can bet that and trying to make her Not be at visitation are high on my list of desires. I hope I have a lawyer that will help me with that.

Yes I did, and its not why they are divorcing unfortunately.... she is trailer trash and is surrounded by trailer trash, it appears even her ex is one of those. He didn't seem concerned about his children being around a married man.

Okay so you guys think a note to him is not a good idea? I will at least let his parents know why I am doing it (but not until too late to warn WH), his mom told me on Sunday that his dad called him up and left another message telling him he doesn't agree with what he is doing. Awesome! Bring on the pressure ...