Melodylane & Pepper & others....Ummm...you were all absolutely correct. The VAR revealed that this was a physical affair earlier on (late Feb. Thru middle of March?) They did stop for several weeks and had picked up again sometime in the middle of April. Soooo, exposed again that it is a PA. Burned their conversations on a disc and let a couple people hear it for proof. Then, exposed.
This has been very, very intense. Children know and he is LIVID, previously I had said she was a bad friend that hurt mommy. Now they know she is having sleepovers etc. And taking daddy away. Any good links to the necessity of exposure for children? He says I am destroying them, ya ya, like sleeping with her doesnt?
Sooo, am going to confront her in person with some friends soon, she was terrified of me before they went underground. Then she got confident cause they hid it. Now she is completely freaked and I hope this convinces her that this affair is waaay too much trouble.
Also, her ex has been a great ally. He passes on any info I choose to give him, like how hilarious it would be if we passed out the discs around town since gossip is the main pastime here.
I feel like I am back to square one...he is furious and all the hard work in Plan A will be overshadowed by this. I want to continue in Plan A, knowing it is Physical shouldn't change that but will make it more difficult. Suggestions? Feeling like exposure was biggest love buster, how do I rebuild my account when he will barely talk to me and is so mad kids know? (they are giving him hell!)

Are you wanting the links for yourself or to show him? You really can't educate a WS about this stuff. Of course he is angry! He's been caught AGAIN and he knows this is going to cause problems for him and OW.

Try not to react to his rantings. Stay consistent in your Plan A actions, until you can't. That's when you go to Plan B. I know you want to stay in Plan A, but you really DO need to get your Plan B prepared and ready to launch. Do you have the letter written? Do you have IMs ready (and educated about being an IM?) Will you be protected legally (i.e., support, visitation, kid exchanges, etc.?)

I'm so sorry that it's a PA, but it's no surprise.

As far as contacting OW at this point? Why? Remember, that a lot of affairs THRIVE on the drama.

If you have the constitution, fortitude and friends to back you, I would confront her, it works wonders. If you choose this route plan it have words ready, be calm, say you piece and let her feel your wrath. Confrontation if done well is a successful tool, you must be certain your are secure if you go this route.

Exposure is not the lovebuster.
His infidelity is....exposure is just what it is.....truth. Unattractive truth.

Continue to plan A. It is difficult to listen to the venom spewed by your once team-mate spouse. It sucks hearing and dealing with it.

Remain calm on the exterior (though you may be horrified at the things WH says to you in your mind). Remain calm appearing.

You did what is right for the children. WH is blameshifting the situation and you just need to know that. Trying to educate him is not going to be do-able right now. Ride the venom out.

I would, if you have friends backing you up (and to witness the confrontation), confront OW. Make sure you don't physically attack her or threaten to physically attack her with the witnesses there. Verbally tell her you know all about it. That it must stop. That she is never going to be accepted or even have the kind of relationship any woman would ever truly want with a man if she continues. That she needs to find a man who doesn't belong to another woman and have children with one. She needs to get over him and find an unattatched man.

Thank you so much, my friends who are just pillars in this community will be there for support. She does not like drama and is trying to salvage what is left of her reputation.
Also, I need to be clear that I do not believe in divorce and will make it very difficult, expensive and lengthy. She divorced her husband last month and waived the waiting periods, it was super quick but they had been on the verge for years. (20 year marriage with multiple affairs, emotional abuse and alcoholism involved)
Our family was soooo close to perfect, she needs to know that no matter what he is telling her. All of this could have been avoided had I known we were not meeting each others needs. We were so happy and then it caught up to us. You can only be in love for so long, at some point those unmet needs can destroy you.
I am prepping for Plan B, meet with Pro-Marriage attorney tomorrow. Asked very close, Christian friend to be IM...hope she agrees. I know part of the purpose if Plan B is to protect my feelings of love and I am ok on that front. I know this affair is an addiction, I don't hate him for it even though it is grossly physical. I am more disgusted than anything...
I think I will be on MB radio again Tuesday, let's see what the boss Dr. Harley says...

Oh! I think having your voice activated recorder at the confrontation would be a good idea. Documenting the exchange of words.
Have it in a pocket or someplace not noticable but able to collect dialog.

Ok, so I need to get the links for info on exposure to kids because some of my friends are skeptical too...I need to refresh my memory so I can explain it to them. Also, when he is going off about it I would like a calm, cool, concise response. I can't educate him, but I can tell the kids why they need to know....he is making me the bad guy for telling them and damaging "everyone." Frustrating. BTW, kids are 11, girl, and 7, boy.

Oh wow, he is soooo mad. Says he and I are over....I think he means it

Breathe.
He may leave and that isn't unusual.
Breathe.

You did the right thing not keeping his horrible secret. Don't say that to him. Just breathe.

Hopefully someone else can link you to Dr. Harley's page about exposure and telling children.
Children can handle the truth.

Melodylane has gathered a great post about telling the children.
HERE

Hang on there, RainRain, you are doing great!

So I changed my name on the Forum because he is furious. Took my laptop, journals, copies of the VAR evidence. Is there a way to change the name of my thread? Thanks.

uuuuuh no, I believe his adultery and his lies are destroying them. If you told them he had won a Nobel prize, would that destroy them? Of course not. His comment is irrational.

Dr. Harley on telling the children:

here



here

here

Don't try and reason with a falling down drunk, TS. Just tell him that adultery and lies hurt little children and since his affair hurts them they have a right to know the truth. Tell him that lying to children teaches them to be dishonest and you will not allow him to do that. Period. Too bad if he doesn't like it.

NOTHING YOU SAY CAN MAKE HIM LIKE IT SO DON'T EVEN TRY. You cannot reason with an addict. Don't waste your time.

Dr. Laura show [4:25 min into segment - 5-15-08]

Caller: Husband had an affair with good friend for 2 years. Her H ws one of his "buddies."

Dr. Laura: Do you have minor children?

Caller: Yes, we both do

Dr. Laura: They are willing to hurt your kids? Why are they willing to break up the families?

caller: Basically, they said they are not "happy."

Dr L: So that is the explanation for being willing to hurt their kids? They are doing this to be "happy?"

What can I do to possibly help you?

Caller: I need to know what to tell my kids.

Dr. Laura: THE TRUTH. They are breaking up 2 families because they have decided.....

See, I am not of the school where you stand by and do pretend with kids where this is all ok. Because this is NOT OK.

The most important story is that this is NOT OK. sit down with your husband and tell him you are going to explain to our children, in a factual, non hysterical way I am going to explain to the kids the horrible thing you are doing to destroy their family. That you are "not happy" is not sufficient reason to destroy 2 families and I am going to make this clear to them because I want them to grow up understanding this is WRONG.

That is my advice. And i think everybody should be clear this is selfish behavior that is WRONG, vows were made.

Not being "happy" is something you work to turnaround, not something you destroy a family over. If both of these people were to hear this was going to happen they will have second thoughts.

DO not think for a moment you are doing wrong by telling your children this. It is your moral obligation to teach them right from wrong. EVEN when it demonstrates a parent has done wrong. The parent cannot be whitewashed and get away with that - THAT IS WRONG and that does not teach the children

I really hope alot of people hear this. Alot of ppl want to whitewash what they are doing. Kids should know that is your attitude.

But to tell the custodial parent: hey don't make me look bad for my own selfish gain is ABSURD! and is EVIL! We are going to make wrong seem ok. Kids will lose any sense of right and wrong. Kids will be taught that anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy." Kids lose any sense of right or wrong. "well, it makes me happy to use drugs" when I am 12 It makes me "happy" to get on my knees and give 4 6th graders oral sex. That is what they teach their kids.

This is what happens when you whitewash wrongdoing to make no body feel bad which is why I get called MEAN. I get called mean because I say the truth. "Its MEAN to say something is right or wrong; its mean to make somebody feel bad!" Its MEAN to say the truth. People get shut down when they get called "judgmental" when they say the truth. The intent is to shut you down. Well, I don't shut up. Kids don't learn important truths when they allow others to shut them down. We don't help our children when we don't say the truth and support them in saying what is right and wrong.

Love it.....thanks so much!

I just heard the show. How are you doing? Do you need help with your Plan B?

Dr Harley told her that the reason her H is so furious about the exposure is because the affair is still on. Which we knew! Her H claimed that he slept with the OW "because" TS exposed his affair earlier. Dr H said that is probably a lie.

Dr Harley: "You have come to a point where Plan A is simply untenable."

and then the phone rang!!!

Phone rang here too MelodyLane and I re-listened to the rebroadcast.
Way to go TexasSun.
I heard the resolve in your voice to work through this the best way possible.

Ok. From now on Texassun (and big hugs to you from GA), please go and rent a safety deposit box to place ALL EVIDENCE in or directly pass it to your attorney.

My xwh actually broke into my home to steal evidence of his affair and a certain incident which happened. Your wh is desperate right now, knows that his fantasy life and his reality (you, the marriage and his children) have collided head on. He is behaving like an angry child now, but he is imho, reckless as to stealing your computer and evidence.

I would from this point forware do as I once did and walk around with the var in your pocket if there is any any at all contact with wh and especially do carry it when you and your wonderful friends confront skankyho. YOU need that evidence. You need to also get on tape that he indeed stole the evidence.

Anyhow, you have gotten some wonderful advice. And I agree that telling the children is a must. Tell them gently, but tell them the truth. My son knows the truth. 100%.

I also believe it is now time for plan B and a harder line approach on this man. His anger and acting out is something you should and the kids should no longer tolerate. I know it was gut wrenching hearing that verbal vomit on the var, but just know that it gave you the truth you were seeking and now you know how to defeat the affair monster.

In a wierd way, seeing your wh respond so sharply, recklessly, and angrily is good. Why? It means he is ashamed on some level of his actions and doesn't want the really ugly truth getting out there. So that's good. That means on some level he knows wrong and right.

He's acting as a wayward does when they're told to choose. And when the world finds out what he's been doing with ms. skankyho.

So far, you're doing beautifully in your MB plan. But now, I think, the direction points to you entering a dark dark plan B. It was smart of you to make that appt to go see the Christian family law attorney. I say get a temporary agreement set up, and have him served (sep agreement, NOT divorce) and put his things out on the front porch, with locks changed. Also, I'd have in that written that you are to have sole custody, and that there are to be no contact with the ow and the kids. Also, I'd have the finances clearly spelled out too, since affairs can get pricey, esp with a newly divorced skank ow on the prowl.

You go TexasSun! You're being an amazing woman and a stand-up mom to your kids! You can do it! We're all praying and rooting for you.

I listened to that and man, you are doing GREAT! You are so strong! Just right now do not react to the wayward and protect any evidence. Carry that var in your pocket at all times until he's out of the house. Also carry it to when you confront the ow.