I missed it, what's the note for?

Mehr, maybe NO note is best.

Trust me, they know why. And you need to find the recent thread about "the art of war".

You do not play into your enemy's hands. Your inlaws, as kind as they may be, might accidentally leak this into to the wayward husband. DO NOT TIP YOUR HAT..DO NOT GIVE ANY WARNING.

This needs to come as a shock. A hard hitting hammer of truth! (dang, now I sound like Charlie sheen!)

If you contact them, do not do it in writing (in case they change sides..blood water thick thing you know), just give them a friendly call from a cell phone. AFTER you serve him.

And listen to me my friend, YOUR ATTORNEY WORKS FOR YOU, it is not the other way around. You make them do what your wishes are! I am so tired of this stuff about what an attorney wants blah blah blah. I told my attorneys what they would do and what I desired. And trust me, I had a really really bad evil wayward, one of the worst, with tons of money who legally could keep attorneys burying me in paperwork. But I was hard lined, held his feet to the fire.

You can always expose to the ow's side AFTER the legalities are laid out.

Your FOCUS right now Mehr, IS ON GETTING AND HIRING A MEAN, BULLDOG JUNKYARD DOG GROWLING ATTORNEY! And filing like I said. 100 percent custody, barring ow from seeing them and the horrible emotional pain inflicted on your children courtesy of your husband, HUSBAND HAS ABANDONED your FAMILY (this is another ground) and that husband is having an adulterous affair with a (named) Mrs. Skankyho, and you also cite that your husband has squandered marital assets paying only for the affair and not taking care of his financial obligations.

You go for the jugular Mehr. It is not against your H, it is against him as a wayward and alien, and the ow, and the AFFAIR.

Grounds:
adultery
abandonment
emotional cruelty to you
emotional cruelty to the kids

I agree. Don't tell the in-laws. When they call you, as they most likely will, after you have filed, just let them know that you needed to do this to protect your finances and your children. That it saddens you, but you need to protect your children.

Now, about this bank account. It's a GIANT hole. Have you opened your own account? You will need to do this, once you can so you can mentally separate from your WH further. Also, you will need to protect YOUR money.

(((((MEHR)))))

No note to WH.

Don't tell ILs til the legal separation is filed and underway. Then, tell ILs you love WH, want to reconcile and pray the affair dies but must protect yourself and the children legally.

Then, if WH turns the legal sep into a D.....stay the course. Stay the course.

Question.... if WH doesn't have any cash, but his income is too high for legal aid, how does he get a lawyer?

Um to clarify, not that I want to fix it for him, I actually want it to be AS HARD AS POSSIBLE and I am worried if there is no other way his parents will bail him out.... I hope not. I definitely will not be telling them before he is served.

Not your concern when you go to Plan B. He will find a solution of some sorts. His parents......you can't control what they choose to do for WH either.

You can control your own actions and the model you set for your children when they watch you dealing with this.

Then you don't worry about what the alien wayward has to do. It is advantage: Mehr!

Sorry to be like that, but you need to watch out for yourself right now. My x IL's also went with the blood is thicker than water route and unwisely chose their wayward son to support.

YOU support the kids and yourself and your family and friends do too!

If given a chance afterward, let your iL's know you love them, and that you hope that soon he will realize that things cannot go on like this or he will lose his marriage and family forever. That you are simply making sure that you and the kids are protected financially since he's supporting financially his affair and ow and that you are protecting the kids from the horrible emotional trauma from being exposed to the affair.

That's like your mantra to the inlaws. Give them no furter information at all. Or none. Mehr, they already know what is going on here.

Does Plan B really maintain what's left of the love? I feel like its still draining out...

Then it means you're OVERDUE for plan B and you need to pursue that and a legal separation right now.

You're under severe mental strain right now.

Seriously, when a guy is being DOWNRIGHT EVIL and emotionally harmful to your kids, I could care less if my love for him would be staying or waning. I'd want to protect my kids. Get legal help now.

It does. It helps you recover your authentic self and think clearly but it sort of is there to draw on if the wayward ever is seriously ready to carry his part of the load to recover the marriage.

I consider it a 'pause' button.

One that is being held by an increasingly stronger and stronger person (the betrayed one).

I have to tell you, the longer I read here on the forums, the less I worry about the A ending and I worry much more about the BS's LB$ & respect for the WS ~ the reserve being enought to work through a recovery.

I agree with Scotty, you need to open your own account (or do whatever you need to) so that you aren't seeing what he is doing with his $$... You are mentally still too involved in what the waywards are doing. You've got to separate yourself from it completely.

{{{mehr}}}}

Good for you Mehr, you are doing the right thing.

In case you missed it ( ) I'll repost what Peachy said. It's excellent advice. I'd print it out, take it to your attorney and say "Here, THIS is what I want to happen."

FYI, my neighbor had a "no overnight visitors" thing written into his separation (and later divorce) agreement, so go ahead and put whatever you want in there.

Okau MEHR, now you have been given my gentle 2x4s, but I see that it didn't work for you and you need some GIANT ones.

On another thread which you started, http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...at&Number=2504719&gonew=1#UNREAD you asked about how a Plan B effects a WS. As a BS IN Plan B, you shouldn't give a rat's azz. I know it is hard to understand this at first, but you need to get on board with Plan B. You may think that you are in Plan B, but you aren't in it completely......YET. With our help, you can be, and soon. Listen to what we are telling you and DO what we advise and you will be feeling better in no time.

Understand this, Plan B is not simply about no direct communication with your WS. It is a state of mind. It is a LIFESTYLE change. You need to refocus your thoughts to YOURSELF and YOUR recovery.

Of course your LB is taking a hit, you're not in a true Plan B. You CAN be. You need to make that choice right now. Do you want to have a chance to recover your marriage? If you still hold out that hope, right now, as you are reading this, you need to listen up and follow through. What you need to do is get yourself behind the darkest Plan B curtain you can and STAY THERE.

Come on Mehr, I am not telling you this to harm you. I want to HELP you. We ALL want to help you. So, Get into that dark as night Plan B and flourish in it.

Have you made a dent in reading through my thread yet? I go into Plan B around Page 44. You can see what has happened to me before that day and since. You let me know if you see a difference. And I had holes in my Plan B. I suffered because of them. My LB has taken hits. It's a good thing I started with as large a balance as I did, or I would have been done a LONNNNGGG time ago.

I don't know what will help you get into the right mindset. I don't know what words I can express to help you WANT a better life for you than the one you have now. I so desperately want to get you into a dark Plan B. How can I help you achieve that? What can I do to help you, Mehr? I am in pain for you.

As I see it, you need to do some things TODAY to get into the darkest Plan B possible.

I will tell you that I still don't like your visitation arrangements. We can tackle that after we have filled up the other holes, but I believe those are part of the reason that you have been having such a difficult time with plan B. It would be my advice to plug this hole up, RIGHT NOW.

Next, you need to get rid of that bank account. You CAN NOT know what your WH is spending where. What happens when you look at the account? You see that he has spent X dollars at X place and you get MAD. You think about who he spent the money on and you KNOW what he is doing. That is NO Plan B. Get a legal document to FORCE him to pay what he is supposed to. Whether he gives you the money or not, will be another issue. But, the only things that you should know about HIS money is whether he gives you what he is supposed to.

Then, change your way of thinking and STOP THINKING about your WH. It takes practice. It is hard work. Thing is, recovery(so I have been told) is harder than Plan B, so get yourself ready for a long hard road.

I want you to FLOURISH in Plan B. I want you to flourish in LIFE. Come, walk with me in the darkness of Plan B. I am here, holding your hand and guiding you. I PROMISE that if you do a truly dark Plan B, you will feel WONDERFUL and STRONG in no time. Join me?

mehr, what are you doing to keep busy? This will help keep your mind off of your WH. Here are some things I did during Plan B:

~went out to dinner/movies with girlfriends every time FWH had the kids

~redecorated the MA bedroom, MA bathroom, main hallways and entryways. This took a LOT of time and I had fun doing it. Use freecycle for supplies if you don't have money for them (we didn't either but I didn't care ~ I figured if WH was out screwing around, I could use our credit cards to make our house nice for me and the kids)

~went on a couple of small trips ~ one to visit a friend I met from MB, another to Palm Springs with our kids and some friends

~got a new haircut and exercised like crazy

~went on walks at the beach with girlfriends every chance I got

~had dinner with friends and family so the nights weren't so long

Do whatever you need to do to keep busy. Your mind has too much time to think about what your WH is/isn't doing and that isn't helping you.

Mehr - I have been in a dark Plan B for a couple weeks now, and it is amazing the difference. My mind is focusing on me. I am doing individual counseling, exercising my hinny off, and engaging my children much better.

I have so much hope that my POSWH will see the light of day sometime. I am not going to say I am sitting around waiting for him, but I will admit I have hope.

My hope today focuses on our four children (7,5,3 &1), so for me reconciliation is mostly about them. I am able to forgive him because the greatest gifts I can give to my babies are

1) A healthy Mom
2) The family back
3) Forgiveness so they can see a healthy marriage

Now my POSWH is 10' deep in dung at the moment. Today it seems hopeless that he will return. I know I am changing, and I know his #1 EN is physical appearance.

Guess what I will look like when I meet him in court sometime this fall? Not only will I look like the wife of his youth, but he will see that I am not a fat, lazy, knitter, who sits around all day compromising my health.

How did I deplete my POSWH bank, by showing him I didn't care enough about my health.

Granted my breasts will still sag (breastfed for years) my stretch marks will still be there, but my overall health will be great. I plan to run a 15K in October.

Go Dark and only focus on you, your children, and what you want out of life.

Reality is they are sleeping with another, they may break up with their Wh#@$, and they may go and still sleep with another. You cannot have you mind wrapped around their wayward behavior. The statistics are in your favor. There will be a time in the future where he will want you back. You have to be prepared for that little moment of opportunity (even if you are divorced) to either fully reconcile, or officially be done with him.

Wrap you mind around all the reasons you deserve a husband:

1) I am a great wife
2) I am a great wife because I can massage feet the best
3) I am a great wife because I change thousands of poopy diapers
4) I am a great wife because I can cook him his favorite meal
5) I am a great wife because I have empathy for him
6) I am a great wife because I can make him laugh
7) I am a great wife because I am there for our babies
8) I am a great wife because I can load a dishwasher while cooking
9) I am a great wife because I mop the floor on my hands and knees
10 I am a great wife because .....

Keep telling yourself hourly, daily, weekly why you deserve a great husband because you are a great wife. There will only be two options either for him or for another man. That doesn't change who you are as a wife.

I pray for you and all the waywards because the empathy we have for them as they self - destruct is profound. I just pray they will come out of the dung and breathe our sweet air.

God Bless

Yeah this is confusing to me... because it seems to me that if I move on in life without him, it would be hard to go back. I don't know how to explain it... almost like, I worry I won't want him back if I allow myself to get complete over him, but then I'll feel morally obligated....

I took your advice and was reading some of your old threads last night. Of course once this legal separation goes through we are going to be in poverty so I am not going to have money for fun.

Ok saw the lawyer today, he tried to talk me into a divorce and could not understand why I wanted a separation... he said I would pay more money this way.... but I stuck with the separation... anyone else have that experience?

The lawyer said there was nothing I could do to keep the other woman from being involved in the visitation unless I could prove she was a danger to the kids from drugs or something like that. Maybe that is the case in this state or something ...

But the grounds is listed as adultery and with Her Name on it.

Money is going to be a big problem for us.... since we are suddenly going to be living on 1/2 income but with 5/6ths of the family. But I am on board with the healing thing, I was listening to MB radio about it. I am still concerned that if I heal up I won't want him back at all, but then it sounds like in "Plan C" I won't want him back either sooo....

Mehr, sorry I didn't get a chance to address your concern earlier. My internet goes a little screwy with rain and wind. Guess what was happening today?

Anyways, I too had and sometimes have those same fears about moving ahead. What I have come to learn is that the marriage I once had is gone. The DH I once thought I had is long gone. I am no longer the person I was before I learned of my WH's A. In all of this, I NEED to move forward. I need to go ahead in life and become the person who I want to be. The best me that I CAN be. There have been many changes, some small and some large. I have done it ALL with ME in mind. Even if my WH were to come back, it wouldn't be to the marriage we once had, nor would I want that again. I will not settle for that type of marriage again. My bar is set HIGH.

I will expect, from my next relationship, a lot more than what I got from this one. I will not SETTLE for less than what I can offer someone else. And with the help of MB, I have learned how to be a spectacular wife to someone. I have learned how to have a spectacular marriage and I will NOT settle for less. It doesn't matter WHO that person is in that new relationship(I am still holding out hope that it will be my WH) is, I will NOT SETTLE FOR LESS THAN SPECTACULAR. For this to happen, either with my WH or without, I will need to heal and become the strongest person I can. THAT is Plan B. Healing one's wounds and becoming stronger because of those wounds.

So, Mehr, although you might be frightened at the prospect of losing your WH, understand that you will need to learn that you don't want your WH. You want someone BETTER. It could be him, and maybe no one, but you won't settle.

So, how are the plans coming along for plugging up those holes? As Pep just mentioned on my thread today, you need to do things that are uncomfortable and not easy, to grow(okay, she said it a bit differently). Baby steps forward. Don't look at the big picture, just the day to day, small changes. When you look back at this thread next year, you will be AMAZED at the difference.