Hi all,
I�m sorry this is long but I just needed to get my story out there and vent a little.

First off, I didn�t find this site until after most of this had happened and I would have handled it much different if I had and would have saved me a bunch of heartache. Anyone questioning if exposure is important, read on, it is.

My husband was hurt at work in June 2010 and he was put on workman�s comp because he has a lot of heavy lifting on his job and they didn�t have any light duty. Anyway looking back, we had started taking each other for granted for about a year before this happened.

On Christmas Day his phone rings and he is sitting right beside me. He is very vague on the phone and just says �you to� and bye. I told him it sounded like a girl�s voice and he denied it.

I didn�t have a chance to get on the computer all that weekend to check phone records so I let it go until I got back to work. I checked his phone and there were thousands (yes thousands) of text messages to this phone number starting from the time I left for work every morning until I was about to get home. Also some after I went to bed because he would say since he was not working he was not tired enough to go to sleep.

I confronted him (D Day#1), of course they were just friends and never met, just talked and texted on the phone because he was lonely while I was at work. I told him I didn�t believe it to let me see the text but they were all deleted. He said that if it made me upset that he would stop and I checked his phone for several days after with no contact. Our marriage was better and we were really working on things but I was still not convinced.

I did more snooping and found an email account that they switched to after he could not use his phone anymore. Then found out he had been meeting her 2 times a week for a month before and they had slept together 2 times from those emails. Confronted again (D Day #2) He said that he told her no more (yes I saw the NC email but didn�t see the email before that warning her it was about to come).

She met him again that Thursday after (normal meeting day) and bought him a pay per use phone that they could use. Found out about that one on D Day #3 and it had all the usually texts on it as to how much she missed him and was he ever going to leave me�.Looking back, I can see the logs and see she was the person doing all the first contacts every day and he would never tell her he was planning on leaving me when she would ask.

Anyway confronted him again on D Day #3 and told him I was leaving. He broke down and cried and told me he didn�t want her he just didn�t know how to break it off and she would not leave him alone. I told him to give me the passwords (when I got the one I found other email address from this one) He had a total of 3 accounts he was talking to multiple girls on so she may have thought he cared but he was lying to her as much as me. I emailed every one of them and told him that he was married and he was lying to them and to leave him alone. Most of them came back and told me they were sorry that they didn�t know (he was responding to online dating sites)

Since that time, he has willingly let me put a gps tracker on his cell phone, I have access to the phone at all times without warning, I can call him at any time and he is to have someone that he is next to take a picture of him and send it from there phone so I can see he is where he said he was and what he is doing at the time. I show up at random times where he is supposed to be. I know there are still holes but I don�t have the money to buy expensive trackers and since he already knows I�m watching his phone he would just get another one.

I have already been through the try to make it better for him stage and now in the �I can�t believe I�m trying� stage. I have good and bad days, on the bad days I just want to cry all day and he understands and apologizes again and holds me until I can stop. On the good days, we don�t talk about it and I don�t have any triggers and it goes great. He is doing everything that he knows how to make it better for me and said he understood that it would take time for me to want to make it work again.

That�s all for now just had to get it out.

One question for the vets,,,,,when do we consider in recovery instead of just surviving?

Hi JL, welcome to Marriage Builders. Good for you for digging out his affairs and putting a stop to them.

Do you have a keylogger on his computer in addition to the GPS? Since he met these women online, I am hoping you have that base covered. If not, get one on there ASAP. A good one is eblaster at spectorsoft.com. It costs about $100 but is very effective and hard to detect.

As far as recovery of your marriage, I would get the book Surviving an Affair along with the Five Steps to Romantic Love and diligently follow the program in SAA.

This program is very different from others in that its goal is to create romantic love in your marriage. If your H is in love with you, he will feel less temptation to cheat. And most marriages do not ever recover from affairs because they don't follow these steps.

The fastest, most effective way to create romantic love in your marriage is to SCHEDULE 20+ hours per week of undivided attention meeting these top 4 emotional needs: sexual fulfillment, affection, conversation, recreational companionship. This will make a huge difference in your marriage that you will see pretty soon.

Melody, I wanted to apologize. I must not have marked this tread as being watched and never saw your post and questions.

I value your imput and hope to one day be able to put "happily recovered " on my post. I know i have a long road ahead but Im sure I will get there.

I will stick to this tread if I have anymore questions or can give updates now that I found it again (I just found the my treads button).


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He does not use the computer only his Droid...that is why I didnt catch him sooner. I do have several programs on the Droid now. Lookout for the GPS and call log. Derex or somethign like that for the texts. I cant afford the expensive ones that log time on the internet but he lets me look at his phone at any time so I can check history. I know it could be deleted but I cant do more than that. As far as GPS, I have called him before when the GPS picked him up somewhere other than work and I told him to have the person he was with snap a picture of him and send it to me from the other persons phone and he did. He was under the guys car trying to get it started for him in the exact location the phone said he was. He realized that he didnt let me know he was going there and now tells me when something like that happens.

He had a "A" pre-paid phone that she bought him after I found contact on his phone so he would just do that again if he wanted to start it up becuase he knows about the programs and encoraged me to put them there and check up on him at any time. We spend VERY little time apart now so I know there has been no contact I just still dont feel "safe" I guess that will come in time and he is very understanding.

I was at a very down point yesterday and everything was a trigger. I feel much better today but we had a talk about him not working on the program(I had bought a program before I found MB but VERY simular aproaches) It may have even been a spin off of this one becuase it is the same thing just uses different words.

I told him I needed him to step up to the plate and do some of the heavy lifting for awhile becuase I was so tired. He said he would make more of an effort and planned out our weekend with me yesterday instead of me comming up with everything. (I had to plan my own birthday stuff this year). That is one place he is lacking, he cant even decide where we are going to eat out. I told him I would like for him to plan out EVERYTHING on our next weekend getaway and suprise me. I know my part in that is to enjoy anything he plans but he knows what I like and I'm sure I will love it.

And no, Giving up is NOT an option. I just needed to vent and didnt want him to hear that I was thinking that way.

We have been together for 13 years and married for 11 of that. We dont have any kids of our own but I have a grown DS and DD and he has a 15 year old that had just moved in with us but he is a great kid.

I hope I answered everying and I just wanted to thank all the vets on here. I dont post much but I get alot from other posts on here and it answers most of my questions before I have to ask them.


Im typing on my phone so I cant copy my answers from my ther tread but I will edit this and put them on this thread when I get home.

Guys, I have one quick question. Since I had not found MB at the time of my D-Days, I only exposed to a few people.

Latley I have been feeling like I need to find the OWH and at least let him know. She told him during one of there last emails I found that she had told him but I dont really believe that as I found where she had reposted her profile on the same dating site that my WH found her on.

The reason I'm worried about doing that is I'm just now starting to belive that she has stopped trying to contact him and dont want to start it back up again. I can switch phones with him but I dont really want to becuase it will just trigger me. I guess I'm being selfish but I dont want to deal with that again.

I value your input so please, let me have it.

PS, we didnt change phone numbers but I do have acess to all records and passwords. I have even changed the password to the email account that she has to one he does not know so he cant delete anything untill I see if first.

JL, you absolutely MUST tell OWH.

You are right, she did not tell her H the truth or else why would she still be on a dating site?

Not only will exposing to OWH actually help protect the A from reigniting but it is the RIGHT thing to do. How would you feel if OWH knew but kept you in the dark?

Now how would the OW be able to get in touch with your H? If he had implemented EPs he would have changed his phone numbers and emails and closed down any social networking profiles to prevent such contact...

I think you added this while I was typing. This is worrisome and I see this coming back to haunt people later. Why not just change the numbers to be safe?

well as you know i am also new here, but i would take the phone for a day as see how you feel, but dont tell him till that AM when he is leaving. the trigger may be that you dont have the phone and you are wondering all day, like the build up them wham, i bet if you had it you would feel you had a litle power. just my thoughts, but i am also a newbie. i took his for a day- funny i checked the gps, and thought he was follow ME! talk about paranoid. duh!i did feel better having it.

Also if she posted again on the dating site i would tell the OWH. thats ridiculous. but i am no where near the expert.

i also have the bad days, major meltdown yesterday, but the ladies pulled me out.

i am going with the look great every day concept.

similar stories.... but they all are i guess.

Please let this poor man know what his WW is up to without delay.

J, waywards lie. It's their stock in trade. You can be sure that her H knows nothing. NOTHING. Every day that goes by exposes him to STDs, to say nothing about his false sense of security and reality.

Your benefit is the added insurance of his knowledge. He'll be an extra set of eyes to help you be sure that the affair does not resume.

Thanks guys. This is what I thought also but wanted to make sure since it had been so long since NC.

I told FWH a few minutes ago and he said that he is fine with it. I thought he would had a problem with it but I guess he is more on board than I gave him credit for.

I don't want to change the number for several reasons that affect me BUT I will swap with him for a few days then at random for a few months.

Wow, she is good.
I have spent all day looking up every phone number and user name I can find and I'm not having any luck. So far I have found addresses in several states and all the phone numbers are to locations that the addresses do not match.

She really knows how to cover her tracks. I think I know where she works but she works 3rd and it is 2 1/2 hours away from me so getting there to follow her would be very hard.

Her facebook page does not have anyone local on it and none are listed as family.

I'm still searching but running out of options, already spent 50.00 on paid lookup sites with no help.

If you have access to her facebook a last option is to send a message to as many of the friends listed that she is a serial adulteress who was in an affair with your husband and ask them to contact her husband. It will shake her little world , the better option is to track down her husband but if you draw to many blanks you have a second route.

google the tax assessor records in the town. at least you will have the address.

Problem is, I dont even know which town is really hers. She told my husband such a small town it could be any of the out lying towns also. I've even gotten an address in the oposite direction of what she told him.

I'm also starting to think she is not using her husbands last name becuase I'm not finding anything that way either. She is using a hyphenated last name and I have used both.

Facebook page is all about her and how wonderfull she is so I dont think her friends would care or belive it untill I can find anouther listing or something that I can send the link of. They think her husband is the worst of low lifes because of the stories she spins.

J, I would also suggest you change your calling plan so that his phone has only calling capabilities. Nix the texting and internet.

He did offer that so I will do that, it will be cheeper that way also.

One day (about 2 months ago)when I found a site on his history that I didnt know why he was on it. He explained the site and said "I see this bothers you, why dont I go back to my old phone and take off the internet and text"

He is really doing everything by the book and I kinda felt bad today becuase I had to bring her up to him again to make sure I had my facts right when I could not find her. He said it didnt bother him but I know it brings up bad memories for him when we were are the worst part.

wow she is good. try obits they usually link the town. also huffington post.com this shows any contributions to elected, the are required to post by law. i think you best show is the husband do you know anything about him?

best shot is the husband sorry typo

Just an update, nothing really to tell. I've still not gotten anywhere. Her kids names are very unique and I know what school they go to so I have even tried to google there first names hoping a last name will pop up.

I had to take a break at it since I was getting so really bad triggers going through the emails and text trying to find clues. I was feeling very depressed and drained so I have not looked for about 3 days.

I'm starting to feel better today so I will try more this weekend. I have not given up yet but running out of options.

On the plus side, according to her facebook page, her world is falling apart and everyone is turning on her, even her kids. Maybe they already found out about the guys after hime. I believe in karma.

I wouldnt be able to look at her facebook, unless i was blasting something out. it would just upset me. If you know the school you should have the town name. you have the supposed last name or names you can get an addrees for the tax assessors office at city/town hall.

Or on her FB friends, look at how many have the same last name, for example. if she has 3 smiths there, they are probably related.

i have not found one good paid site, so dont waste your money. some librarys have access to lexis-nexis, usually its for law research but you can find good things on it. I did find OW#1 (or what every number she was) divorce settlement.