Yes. Attorneys push for D vs LS. I've experienced it and probably every one else too.

Yay on the grounds!

Face it, no matter what, once your WH started the A.....the finances were going to take a hit. The fog is oblivious to it as it pulls into the coast to envelop the wayward.

Ok. YOu have the bulk of the family living with you, so you simply file for appropriate child support AND spousal support as you are not to live in poverty with a wayward with no responsibilities living it up.

And tell the attorney if he/she doesn't do what YOU say, you'll fire them.

Seriously, you file for SOLE CUSTODY because of the immoral living conditions of your wayward husband, living under same roof as other woman. You also cite that no member of the opposite sex is to reside or spend the night under the same roof as your wayward husband, unless they are related by blood.

You CAN do that. Meanwhile, make the attorney realize that it is EXPENSIVE to raise the kids, and your wh has to PAY for that.

Also, ask for all attorney expenses to be met at the first hearing. WH must pay for that too.

Soon your wh will learn he cannot have the kids around ow as he wishes, esp not when she cannot spend the night (great if they're shacking up together) and that he can't have affair money to play around with either.

No court will let the mother of the kids who is innocent and being taken advantage of by a wayward spouse go huntgy or her kids and live in poverty. Get over that now! Your wh will be solely working to support his family even if he does not reside under the same roof. He'll "get it" soon.

Meanwhile attorney works for you. YOu do everything legally possible to make it so horrible and bad and inconvenient for the ow to be in the same zip code as your kids.

also, maybe DO find a private eye or search out legal records of the ow. You never know. With a confirmed liar and cheat, who knows...maybe she DOES have a criminal record of sorts? Maybe there are huge skeletons other than the affair in her closet. If it were me, I'd have HER investigated. Again, that is all bonuses when you do go to court.

He said there is NOTHING I can do....

And I just looked at our account and despite us being negative 20 dollars.... he spent another 33 dollars today on eating out..... I am STEAMING.... feeling a little "Plan FU" over here.... I am paying the house payment on Thursday even if it bounces the account and he can't eat for the week....

They need to serve him faster. I need to be out of this mess with MY money in MY account. This is going too slow for me already ....

Now that's an interesting idea, why didn't I think of that .... I will call and ask about that.

In the mean time, he said there is absolutely nothing that can be written in the visitation. Is that an Illinois thing? He said definitely there is nothing. All I can hope is that my 6.5yo and 4yo make her life hell and do not accept her ...


No money for a private eye or anything....

Mehr, YOU CAN ASK FOR SOLE CUSTODY.

That you CAN AND SHOULD DO!

The no overnight visitor of the opposite sex is COMMON language in a separation and or divorce decree. Very common. It is added in for the welfare of the children, since in many divorces, the law recognizes that one parent just ever so slightly MIGHT be a bit wayward and not be a good role model.

See?

Make it so. (Captain Picard)

You can always ask for something. They might say no but you
nothing ventured
nothing gained.

Seriously, the language is normal in many many states Mehr. You don't want to subject the children to repeated immorality and confusion. Most lawyers are well-versed this is common too.

I didn't even ASK bout this one, but my attorney wrote it in. He said, "well in your given circumstances I thought you needed this in it." He was right. Not a big deal actually. But a HUGE DEAL to and possibly a deal breaker with the affairmongers.

Makes the rutting lair NOT to be confused with the place of visitation for his children. See?

And you do ask for sole custody. You can even ask for a mental evaluation of your ws if you so desire. If my xwh ever tries to counter me in court, I'll simply require him to have one!

It will be placed as burden of proof onto your wh as to HOW he is good enough to get custody. You see, when a wife or husband comes out shooting with that, the judge wonders what the heck IS that other party DOING to make them want to limit time with the other parent. Must be the whole smoke/fire thing.

Sets the mood for your lawyer, creates the atmosphere of you winning and then you just provide the evidence.

If you are placed in dire financial straits and he is stealing money out of the accounts, then on behalf of your kids, you go before a judge or have your attorney GET an emergency hearing.

Over 2 years ago I went in myself (had my own evidence in hand, based on court rulings and other documents filed with our courts in non-divorce related situations regarding my xwh) and visited with the assistant to the judge at about 4:30 pm on a friday. Couldn't get there any earlier as I had to work and the court building closed at 5.

I was granted at 4:45 pm an emergency hearing the following monday. Less than 72 hours later based on the severe evidence I had. I have also had 2 other emergency hearings but my former attorney secured them for me within one week.

My xh got served about 8 am on saturday morning telling him he had to show up MONDAY morning at 9 am for the hearing. He went DOWN big time.

If he is causing harm financially to the kids by stealing joint monies and leaving you with nothing, that is part of the abandonment grounds as well as a good reason why you should have sole custody too, as he is NOT being a good parent and not caring if his own kids eat food or starve.

Start thinking with your head, not being reactive and emotionally thinking. I am not being mean, but trying to coax out of you the amazing and wonderfully thinking Mehr that is in there! Step away from the emotional feelings, and realize, you are not in such a bad position (aside from him stealing $). You use legal ju-jitsu with his own actions being made as a weapon against him. Let his own negative energy be used against him in court. He steals money? Great. You get an emergency hearing and get that money back, and a temporary ruling for the separation agreement too!

And the sep agreement will establish the fair and proper amount of child support, spousal support so that you are treated well and the kids aren't placed in jeopardy. Also in that emergency hearing you get full custody of kids, since he abandoned the family home for an immoral adulterous relationship, also having stole joint family monies, placing the children and wife in dire straits, simply so he could carry on his affair.

That's the whole jist of the arguement your lawyer will make.

You can get alot of that done in the emergency hearing. I did in mine. (the first one). I was awarded in that hearing, the grounds I sought in the separation agreement, and monies for back chld support and alimony, and legal fees, and retained a large majority of custody.

if things go to divorce, he will have to prove all the grounds false to get the original sep agreement changed up for the divorce decree.

Lose/lose for the wayward spouse. Huge win for Mehr and the kids.

I am definitely asking for sole custody....

Peachy, sometimes, legally, you can't do a thing about APs being around the kids. I can't. Legally, here in Canada, it doesn't matter. And, generally, my attorney fees are paid by me, and the courts don't believe in a mom, even if she were a SAHM, to not support herself and her children. If I didn't have a job, I would have had to go get one. I can't ask for more than what is figured out my HIS income. Although, even if I had a GREAT paying job, he would still have to pay CS, due to the fact that he has them less than 40% of the time. Sometimes, laws suck.

Mehr, it is great to have this advice from people who have gone through it already. Although some states have different laws, see what things Peachy has suggested that can work in your sitch.

Mehr,

do your children get upset being around the OW? If so tell attorney this and say that your WH will have to pay for counseling if he continues bringing them around the OW.

Why are you leaving money in your account? Take it out and pay a bill and just say it is all gone for this month.

blessings

I would take this up a notch and put a clause in there about him being responsible to pay for couselling for the kids, period. He's the one bollixing up their lives.

@Scotty:
Here in the US the wordings of my sep/divorce decree regarding there not being members of the opposite sex when the child are in the custodial home (unless they're married) is very very common and in many states. Also, I got a job also too. Sure did. You have two separate households and each head of household has to run it, but the main factor is ONE of the two households if kids are involved, they will require more money for that household to run.

If there are parameters placed around the noncustodial home, such as the provision above, it makes it hard for the affair partners to live together, or else the live in partner (ow or om)would have to go elsewhere and stay when the children come to visit the wayward spouse. It certainly LIMITS the time around the op. Until my xh married the ow, it stopped most of that cold, and my son wasn't around her.

Of course, if there is emotional cruelty shown that the children have endured at the hand of the ws, because they are EXPOSED to the affair and the dissolution of the family as they know it, most likely in the US, a judge would rule in the best interest of the children, thus that would also keep an ow or om away from the kids.

There are lots of things you can do. Those are just a few. A good attorney can get creative too.

However if the affair partners marry, then there is little to be done to stop the op/affair marriage partner from being around the children, unless there is a great difference in custody. Like the bs parent has the kids the majority of the time, and the ws parent gets the kids on weekends, or twice a month weekends. Or like me, I got sole custody. That definitely would limit things.

One great thing about the US, is that if there is a great difference in incomes (like my xwh and I as he made about 5x more than I did) they will try to make sure there isn't some insane drop off in manner of living and they'll get some sort of spousal support. In the south, it is common. I got some, but it was not near enough for me to not work. I had to go back to work.

If you have a state where you can list a reason or fault for the divorce, as my state is, you can use that as leverage in negotiation as if the grounds for the separation or divorce are significant, the judge might feel so inclined to rule more so in favor of the more innocent spouse.

My xwh knew that I had significant evidence and several grounds for divorce, all proven clearly, so it was assumed (and it happened every time I had to go to court against him) that he'd always have to foot the legal fees. I'd always get them awarded me.

I think I am starting to get the hang of Plan B and what it means. I have been reading more threads here.

Last couple days I've been thinking-- who am I apart from WH? What do *I* want? I mean so many of the things I do have to do with him. For example, most of the things I cook I make because he likes them.... the way I wash things, the places I go, the music that I listen to, even the TV shows that I watch. That is not to say that he decided these things for me but they were a collective effort. A lot of the things I do seem to surround him and his presense in my life.

I found a couple journal type entries in the last year, where I sat down and wrote out what I was experiencing. I realized when I read them what a horrible husband he was in 2010. I mean we've had good years and bad years like anyone, but in 2010 he was the epitomy of selfishness. Now I can place a reason on it, he was depressed, but that doesn't make an excuse either. He chose to do some of those things or make me feel those ways.

Now I feel like I have an Opportunity .... Plan B can allow me to heal and grow more as a person. Then (like you guys said) whether or not he comes back to me I can move forward. One thing is for sure-- I don't want the WH of 2010 back. He's going to have to be willing to commit to recovery and to growing as a person too. There have been times I've felt like I have been changing and he has chosen not to come with me.

Last year I truly did EVERYTHING... we had 4 kids under 6 and he was refusing to change diapers or help.... again, I can say he was depressed (and unmedicated at this time), but he also made a choice to disengage from the family. Then after he was medicated he continued to use it as a reason to not help with anything (but he was cheating on me by this point too).

I remember a week before D-day it was his day off and he was just laying in bed all day and I was getting really upset with him and I knew the counselor had given him the assignment to wake up by taking a shower and getting more involved. So when he finally got out of bed and into the shower I was relieved. But then he got dressed, put his hat on, said "If you think I don't help much now, see what happens next" and he left the house. I was speechless and gave him an hour to himself before texting, "can you come back before 4yo's swim lesson?" The answer was "no." I was left getting 4 kids ready and to swimming lessons, and all I had wanted was to spend a little time with him as a family.

The sad thing is, now that he is gone, I haven't noticed a difference in my work level around the house. He truly wasn't helping or involved at all. He had completely detached from the family.... and I *think* he had done that before she had really entered the picture.

So.... as horrible as this is and as much as I wish he had worked on things the right way instead of cheating on me, I don't have to go back to that.

The question is, again, who am I apart from WH? What do i want to do? Yesterday and today I started to get some "dreams" and ideas of what I want to do now, regardless of whether he comes back.

I hope he does return though because we have 4 kids and over 12 years together and I think there is something so good about him-- he could be SO much better than he chose to be. But we all have those failing moments right? Whether he redeems himself properly is up to him now.

WH should be getting served early next week and I can't wait for FREEDOM from his crazy choices. The kids and I are truly going to be in poverty and we are applying for food stamps ... but I am also returning to college to be a nurse so its just one step along the way.

Onward and upward....

Hind sight is 20/20 in regards to being proactive or nipping things in the bud. Sometimes, even if you knew, you were only able to control yourself.

I know I tried implementing so many things to make my marriage better over the years and my H didn't 'feel' like putting the effort into a brilliant marriage. I, in plan B, no longer make excuses for his renters mentality. I can say for sure, I was a good sport and as accommodating as a wife could be (as you said about music and foods and etc).

Plan B is good.

as you said
onward and upward.

(((((Mehr)))))

You are getting it. Great job. It's not an easy path you have chosen, but it is very rewarding.

I am proud of you. Keep moving forward.

I finally got this thread condensed with my first one!

Regarding the finances, if you can't get an emergency hearing to secure them, then I suggest you begin making HUGE withdrawals and paying cash for everything. Withdrawal all it, in fact, if that is what you need to take care of your children.

Open up a separate account with just your name on it and transfer enough for the mortgage and bills. Do this NOW so that he cannot continue wiping you out.

Having an affair does not mean he is entitled to spending his children's housing and grocery money. What an [censored].

He just doesn't get it about the finances. That is one area I have always taken care of for him and before me, his mom. I know it is a good move to get the legal separation and let him learn to take care of it himself.

No update really.... just going along day by day.... today was the first time I've caught a visual of him, though. He came to pick up the 6 year old for tball, I opened the door and send him out, and I had to pick up the baby who stood in the doorway. At least I was looking good. But he looked good too-- I didn't like that so much. I would have liked to see him looking visibly stressed. But who knows.

Other than that... its been a dark Plan B.

I am reading through mimi's Plan B thread right now...