Ugh.... 6year old came back in the house crying, he cries every time he says goodbye to his dad.... he said he told daddy that I miss him (as in me, his wife), uhoh.... I worry he will think I told him to say that and i did not....

He sent a message through the intermediary as to when DS' picture day is for tball. He uses that intermediary so faithfully, not like so many of the Plan B threads I read where he dislikes it... I almost think he likes being out of contact....

Someone encourage me I am not just wasting my time doing Plan B instead of getting a divorce.... double ugh.

Who knows what your WH is thinking or doing and for how long he will continue to do so......no one knows.

You can't tell how long that will be BUT being in plan B is best for YOU.
Even if you get a divorce, it is the best road for you to be out of the circle of betrayal.

You work on you. Eat healthy foods, get some exercise, nurture the kids. Adore the kids.

The children are going to be sad. They want their Dad. Dad doesn't want them enough to stop his affair now or yet.

Only time, and riding it out in plan B allows for recovery of yourself and or the marriage.

Mehr,

Most likely his dad (wh)is trying to say lies and rewrite history to even a child, so seriously you need to consider getting only full custody with the children. It is horrendous the lies that unrepentant waywards will tell the kids.

Talk to your child (possibly tape it with a var) and give it to a child psychologist if the child is always always visibly shaken and cries after leaving their dad. He might be doing what my xwh did to my son which was tell him something like "daddy doesn't really love mommy, but like a friend, and Miss X is who daddy loves" or something crazy like that. Have your child communicate openly with you and find out if the ws is saying horrid things like that.

A wayward who has left the family home and is living with or almost living with their ow or om is dangerous to if the children's mental health. They are. The ultimate of selfishness. Usually they force the kids to be around the affair partner or try to force some kind of contact and say horrible or outlandish things to the kids to try to sway them.

My xwh did that. And I caught him doing it. Got it nipped in bud.

This is why I am an advocate for going for full custody as an affair is also emotional abuse too, for not only the bs, but TO THE KIDS as well. You're being too nice Mehr.

He has to see the distinct difference. He still has not had a reality wake up call as of yet. He needs that separation agreement and the words SOLE CUSTODY and the grounds of adultery, mental cruelty and abandonment staring him in the eyes and needs to read in that document the name of the other woman.

Once he sees you're not playing around, a bit more reality will come crashing down. Plus as I've said, divorce if done right (with you having uuber mean lawyer who will bite his *ads off)will become expensive for a wayward and they won't enjoy their newfound fantasy at all.

This is why I think coming down hard and fast on the affairees as quick as you can in plan B is the best, once plan B is entered.

They have to see there will be no nicey nicey. No shared holidays. No friendly visits. No holiday outings. No shred of what was once a happy family if they continue with the affair. They will see what a divorce because of an unrepentant and harmful affair looks like.

Also, getting full custody is great for plan B! You can ask for it in the sep agreement, and I might add, please get an endorsement from a child psych or their pediatrician showing that the stress of having them around their wayward daddy and the hobag is too much emotionally and is HARMFUL to the children. Judges understand that.

I got custody pretty easily. I showed the pain caused my son courtesy of his crazy wayward daddy.

Even with sole custody he gets visitation. He doesn't really see the kids all that often right now, but you're right, it upsets them and I wish I could just skip it. Him being dead would be easier than this. I pray that God can change his heart and bring him back to sanity before he does too much more damage to the kids.

For example, before tonight, it was the Sunday before last... over a week... since he had the kids. He is seeing them 4.5 hours on Thursday and Friday. I can't take any more time away from him even with sole custody.

In my state, they are even forcing me to take a class on how to be a good parent during a divorce/separation (you can imagine what this contains).

The courts don't care here at all if the kids are sad about the situation.

I'm by no means a vet here, but in reading your thread I keep getting the impression that your attorney is not listening to you. If he says he can't put anything in about the ow, I'd want him to explain exactly why. If it's in your state law, ask to see the law. Often professionals just do what they've always done. You need to approach your interactions with him as the strong, smart woman you really are and push for what you need.

My FWH used our IM faithfully as well.

When DS cries after your WH drops him off, it is ok to let him call his Daddy and tell him he loves and misses him and wants him to come home. It is good for WH to know how his children are hurting over his selfish choices.

DS asks him to come home every time he says "goodbye".... so he knows...

Just need to vent.... we are already in the red, and last night WH thought we had enough money to go to the movies and out to eat with OW. I can't wait until I can't see that crap!! He is so stupid. I have always taken care of the money for him, and we had just enough for our life. We cannot afford 4 kids AND for him to go on dates with his mistress.

OW has her kids every other week, this is the week she doesn't have the kids.... he always spends more on these weeks. Its like they re-enter the fantasy where they are dating, instead of cheating and each with a family.

Thanks MF.... maybe it doesn't mean there is no hope....

MEHR...take the freaking money OUT OF THE ACCOUNT.

You are enabling his affair by allowing this. That money is needed to FEED YOUR CHILDREN. I am sorry to sound harsh but you are not caring for your children by allowing this.

Your children's needs come FIRST, before your ahole WH's desires to have a mistress.

Why are you not doing this??? There is nothing stopping you from doing this and I cannot for the life of me figure out why you are allowing it.

Completely agree.

You know when he gets paid, right? Assuming a direct-deposit going through at midnight on Thursday, I'd be at that bank when it opened on Friday.

If need be, open your own account with the same bank. Empty the joint account and deposit it all into the new account. Set up online bill pay, etc. and you're set.

Why would you give him YOUR house money to spend on his AFFAIR? He needs to understand the consequence of this. NO MONEY. You are trying to figure him out as a logical person.

HE is an Alien. Trying to figure out his actions is like trying to figure out a rock. You can't.

Concentrate on yourself and let him fall. Get to the bank. You have 4 children not 5. Take care of them. Blessings.

Refresh my memory, isn't there an option for court-ordered financial support or something?

I CANNOT take the money out of the account because there is NO MONEY. We are in the red.... literally. He is using the credit link attached to the account, knowing we are negative, to go on dates.The real money is already spent.

I am trying to get that, its taking forever. I also applied for "food stamps" because we are just that bad off, but that is taking forever too. Ridiculous, it is...

Okay. So I know what I need to do, having thought about what is said here. I have to figure out how to cancel that dang credit line, and get my own account, take my money out each time he is paid .... I keep expecting him to stop the direct deposit but he hasn't.... no complaint about that of course, but its weird.

He still hasn't asked me for divorce or anything. Its like he's checked into virtual reality vacation...

Close the credit line. Simple.

Do this TODAY. And in the future, begin withdrawing all funds as soon as they are deposited into an account with only your name on it so that you can pay the mortgage, bills and buy food for your children.

Document what you are spending money on so that if he ever b*tches about it you can prove you were only protecting your children from his wasteful spending.

Yeah, right.

Except for some minor details like .....


Pretty sobering ....

If he does anything with the money you file for D and ask for an emergency hearing to get that money back into the account so that he can support his four children and wife!