It says to Mr. Mehr AND Mrs. Mehr :P

Awesome....

Well I decided after a few messages that this particular issue needed a phone call. I know that he wants to think I am vindictive and a witch, so I wanted to use tone of voice to be reasonable but have boundaries. But... he did NOT answer the phone. So I sent a text directly to him "call when you want to talk about the car"

He texted back "what is there to discuss?"

Then when I didn't respond "I need a new car. what is there to discuss?"

I still didn't respond. He will have to call me, and I have all the time in the world. He can keep driving his junker while he works that one out. I am going to use my tone of voice and calmness to assert that I am not being vindictive but

1. We cannot afford the car he's picked out
2. The kids and I are in poverty, so I want half of the cash
3. He needs to be shopping for a van because we have 4 kids and I won't be dropping them off once the legal separation is through


Prayers!!! ... that I can be calm and kind while asserting these boundaries. I don't know how long it will take him to figure out he needs to call me.

By the way the fact that he is "Plan B"ing me is not a good sign for the marriage!!!

How often is he seeing his children?

Once a week on average? It tends to be two days in a row and then about 10 days before he sees them again. Why do you ask?

Who cares if he is Plan B'ing you. DO NOT GIVE HIM THE CHECK. He will just sign your name. Need to meet at the bank, sign the check together and then transfer your 1/2 out. Send a note to the IM that the vehicles he is looking at is overbudget with 5 other people in the family. Please look at cars with your half of the insurance money.

I have to be careful here. I am an ENTJ and he wants to think of me as a harsh mean lady, he has told me as much. So my response to D-day surprised him, he said that many times too. I don't want to fulfill the part of him that WANTS to think that. But I do want to have good boundaries and draw a line. So this is why I think that breaking Plan B once is a good idea, in this one instance. But I have been doing a very dark Plan B.... now I know why its been so easy, he must have no desire to contact me since he didn't even answer when I called him. SIGH.

As in, he thinks she is "sweet" and I am "cold" -- that's not true at all, but that's the way he's spent time painting it.

I wouldn't break B for this.

Do not try to contact him again. Go darker now again. Stop breaking plan B.

Do not text him. Block his number from texting you.

The check? If you have an attorney, call them and ask what to do. If you don't (I forget if you do), call one and ask over the phone for quick info. It should be free info. Super common and simple and an attorney wouldn't mind telling you if they might end up with you as a client some day.

Meanwhile, make a copy of the check.

Perhaps an attorney will tell you that
you will need to write
"deposit only to account (then your bank account number)"
so that WH would have to scratch it and initial it or be unable to cash/deposit it elsewhere.

Don't panic.

Breaking B is a slippery slope. You will find reasons to do it along the way but you never really have to! See it a your personal challenge to ride through with knowledge and creativity to not break it.

You just set things back to zero for you and your WH in his affair.

Be still.

Oh man I just remembered that tomorrow he is seeing the kids. Now I am worried he will try to talk to me about it in person, and I don't want that. On the phone it would be easier to maintain my cool and remember what I want to say....

I haven't been breaking it though. I worry that through text everything will come across so cold and vindictive. ???

Tomorrow, do not talk to him about it in person. If he approaches you and gets to in front of you....say "I am sorry, we will resolve issues through the intermediary." Then, bat your eyes, give a cute half smile and leave.
Go back to the safe haven of your castle walls.

texting is breaking it though.

I haven't talked to him since 4/14 directly in any way.

oh, right, the text.

Ok I sent a message through the intermediary that he needs to find a vam about half that, since we have 4 kids and I won't be able to drop them off much longer.

No response yet. I am super depressed tonight, since he is clearly ignoring me and hates me.... probably never going to come back..... our poor kids

You don't know he won't come back. I think the real question is will you WANT him back by the time he does.

Yes, your poor kids....it is not ideal being from a divorced family. However, this is not YOUR fault....you didn't cause it and you can't cure it. You just have to be the best mom you can be with the circumstances you have in front of you.


(((Mehr)))

Okay, My head hurts from all of the smacking I have been doing to my forehead reading what you have been writing about.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Yes, you are MAD. That is when you need to stay in Plan B even more. And all of this talking through the intermediaries, what for? YOU figure out what you are going to be able to legally do with the cheque. Don't let him see your hand. This is a WAR and you intend on winning, right?

Also, do you understand that you are in Plan B. That means that what type of car he buys, or doesn't, is no longer any of your concern. You need to get that line of credit paid off. Then, you take half of the money left over. That's where your interactions with your WH about that cheque begins and ends. GET OUT OF THE DRAMA.

Look, you started out today worrying about how you were going to shut down that line of credit and feed your children. Your answer came when that cheque came in. Take the chance you have been given. It could not have worked out better for you than it did right now.

You DID break Plan B, and you intended on breaking it even more by talking to him. DON'T DO IT. There are going to be many more times when you are going to want to break Plan B, but none of them will ever be worth it.

And, if your WH comes and tries to talk to you directly, you say, every time, over and over if necessary, "Are you ready to end all contact with OW for life?" Unless his answer is yes, you say, "Contact my IM when you have." AND WALK AWAY, HANG UP. Whatever.

You were worried that he was using the IM. Well, of course he was. He got YOU to break Plan B and play into his hands and game. STOP THE INSANITY. GET OUT OF THE DRAMA. That is what Plan B is for.

The first part.... I am concerned about what car he buys because I KNEW from Plan A time that he was looking at cars we CANNOT afford. I am not about to hand over this check and have him using even a couple hundred from our account. He DOES NOT GET IT.... WE DO NOT HAVE THE MONEY.... somewhere in his brain, in the fantasy, we are able to afford this.


So.... you think he wanted me to break Plan B so he could be the strong one? I am not following what you mean exactly.

Sorry, but, who cares if he thinks you're cold and vindictive. He, after all, hasn't given much thought to how you feel through all this, has he?

Don't you dare say a word to this man other than asking him if skank is still around. Ok?

Go to the bank with this check, deposit it and hope like hell that you can withdraw half of it the same day. They may require you to wait until it clears.

Then take your half, pay whatever bills you need to pay and when he raises a stink about it just ask if the skank is still around.

Who cares what kind of car he buys. Not your problem.

C'mon mehr, don't start slipping now, ok? You've been doing real good here.

My 4 year old says she does not want to see daddy tomorrow. She wants to hang out with me, she says. "I'm so sad at daddy because you never came home..."