OK, this is why we also usually recommend doing ALL of your exposure and AVOIDING your WS until it is all done ~ because the WS freaks out and the BS becomes afraid to finish the job.

Your WW is furious ~ that's good, that's what you want! It's working! Keep going, DO NOT stop now.

Many WSs will threaten to leave, some even pack up a bag and leave but they almost always come back, sometime within hours.

Down,

How is it going?

I am at work, she is home working on what she will do moving forward (moving out for now, it appears).

I am exposing through email and text as best I can.

I'm pretty much up and down by the hour.

DIZ,

You�re doing great. Don�t hamper your progress by making some classic mistakes. A couple of DON�Ts for you.

1. Don�t tell your WW about Marriage Builders or the advice we�re giving you. This website is a secret source of info for you.

2. Don�t be afraid of your WW�s anger. You will survive her anger. Your marriage will not survive an continuing affair.

3. Be calm and cool. Think James Bond whenever you�re dealing with your WW. Channel him. Role play him when you deal with her. Being cool and calm will scare her a lot more than ranting and raving. Imagine these two scenarios: WW comes and tells you that you�re ruining his life and risking his career. Your reaction can be a yelling rant where you say, �You�re da*mn right! I will ruin his life and destroy him!� All while yelling, turning red, and having veins bulge out of your head. In contrast, imagine staying cool and calm instead. SHE rants and raves and you then say, �I don�t care about OM at all. I will do whatever is necessary to save this marriage and end your affair.� You say it matter of fact. You say it cool and calm. You then ask, �Want a cookie? Just baked them for you.� Then watch her go nuts, because she will.

4. If she talks divorce, clarify her fantasy in her head. She imagines that she�ll get everything. Make a few things clear for her. If she says she will divorce, you say, �I would much rather save our marriage. If you go down that path, I can tell you right now I will not make it easy or pleasant. I will fight tooth and nail for everything. I will subpoena the other man to come and testify about your affair. I will fight for sole physical and legal custody of the kids. I will fight for every single thing in our house, down to the last fork. I�d much rather end your affair and rebuild our marriage.� Say it in a James Bond, calm and cool style. It will freak her out.

5. Show absolutely no fear. Do not cry, beg or plead. YOU are in control, not her.

6. Be cold and heartless with the other man. Make his life so much he77 that he sprints away from your WW. The fact that he works for the government could be very good for you. He will feverishly protect his clearance and status. Exposure to his boss will have a massive impact. Find out if he�s married and expose to his wife, who will be your biggest ally.

7. Be calm. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Don�t act on emotion, but act on a plan. We�ll help you put it together.

One more thing:

I'm glad you're exposing. It is the number one piece of advice we give all betrayed here. There is never one instance when we advise someone to not expose. It is the most important step you can take to kill the affair. It feels wrong to you, but trust us. It works.

And all waywards make threats. Scary, evil threats in response. That is normal.

She might leave but not because of your exposure, but because of her own infidelity and knowing that it is wrong (why others knowing about it is so dreadful to waywards).

Do not engage in any of her threats. Just tell her you would like her to stay and the kids do stay with you either way. Period.

She wants you to react negatively to her reaction to the exposure in order to justify her affair more.

After I exposed, I asked my FWH what his plan was ~ was he going to come home and be a man and fix the mess he'd made, or make it all worse by bailing.

His answer "I can't come home now that you've told everyone ~ I am humiliated and can never face another person again. I will never be able to make this right, I'm done."

He was home 6 weeks later and we began recovery.

DiA: Think about what has changed in the last 24 hours. You got more results than Jack Bauer.

POSOM is running scared, thereby showing WW what a "value" he was.

WW is terrified (trust us here : TERR - I - FIED!) about the dung-storm about to hit her from friends, family, etc.

You have the self-respect-boost (even if it hasn't hit you yet - give it time) that you have FOUGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE.

DO NOT LET UP!!!!!

Telling your children will be brutal - brutal but necessary. They'll likely suspect what's happening, but letting them divine the reality, and be in error about the details, is unfair to them.

You don't know the folks here well yet, but when Melody Lane and NeverGuessed stress the same point - TREAT IT AS IF YOU FOUND A TABLET THAT MOSES DROPPED. Get that mini-recorder before you see her in person again!!!!!

Thanks all. I am doing my best to stay calm and even keeled.

Thanks for the Bond advice, Help...

I have to admit it's hard threatening the nuclear divorce option (fighting tooth and nail). It's something that I said I would never do. But I udnerstand if makes reality much more stark. I will continue to hold that line.

Spoke to my BILaw about this. He says call the Ambassador and tell him. He assures me they will probably put him under investigation and at the very least have some serious issues with his actions. My BIL was stationed in several embassy's for 17 years of his military career.He finished his career at the white house as Cheneys aid. He says the Govt clearance needed will be at risk because of this OM actions. I would rock his world If I was you.

Diz,

I advise you as a man who fell for the �amicable divorce line�. I was told by my ex that the only chance we had to reconcile was to have time apart to heal and then get back together.

So I rolled over, gave her everything, and did as she asked. I ended up unemployed, without my stuff, separated from my kids, and then refighting for custody later.

Dispel from your mind the idea of the amicable divorce. It doesn�t exist, but she�ll try to sell you on it. Let her know that the path of divorce will be nasty and full of nothing but pain for her while the path of reconciling is much more pleasant to follow.

Your coolness at doing what is necessary (as a man of action, not emotions) will seriously shake her up.

Is OM married? Girlfriend? Anything on his facebook page that hints he�s married?

OK, I have to ask a question, and I sure it's a newbie. If I had the focus, I would look it up in other posts.

I am NOW being labeled as a massive control freak (because I used keylogger, hacked email, tracked phone logs, searched her purse, emailed the OM, threatened to fight for everything in the divorce, etc). I would not say I was a control freak before (or I would have caught the A sooner), but I it was certainly a 70/30 split when it came to decision making. This entire episode seems to "reinforce" her feeling that I will always be controlling, which is pushing her away even more. Am I just being to paranoid about that???

Like I said, newbie... of to buy a recorder.

Can't find his FB page. I think he is divorced (from investigations). Called the ex up and the new husband answered. Was very quiet and would not confirm or deny this guys existence. I also called what I think was his parents house, but was told I had wrong number.

You are being labeled as "contolling" because you are preventing your WW from carrying on with the OM. It is what all waywards say.

Your desire to snoop is a natural defense mechanism. Don�t reveal that you�re snooping or you will drive her further underground.

You collect your evidence and then strike. If you were snooping when all was normal, then I�d say you�re a control freak. But how normal is it to learn that your wife has been boinking another man? Not normal. An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior. (Thank Victor Frankl for that one. Get �Man�s Search for Meaning�. It�s fantastic.)

Spy to protect not only yourself, but your family. Defend your marriage for your children. Think of it as fighting for them and their home and family. The WW is very good at convincing herself that, �the kids will be ok� and that, �It�s better for the kids that I be happy than unhappy in a bad marriage.� They tell themselves such things. They really believe that kids will eventually like this because mom or dad is happy with the OM/OW.

Quite the opposite. I divorced when my DD was 3. She recently said (now 8), in front of my new wife, that she wishes that we had never divorced. I wish my parents had never divorced.

Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see when it comes to your WW. Snoop for the truth. She is the one who has the burden of winning over trustworthiness.

Which reminds me:

She�ll claim that you�re violating her privacy. Educate her in this manner, �I�ve done no such thing. I�ve violated your secrecy, not your privacy. And I have a right to know if you�re with another man given that you put my health at risk and that it will destroy us financially. Privacy is closing the door when you go to the bathroom. Secrecy is the only thing I�ve touched on. Want a cookie?�

OMG...I can't believe you mentioned that book Help... THAT is the book the OM gave my WW!!!

It was back when he was doing a volunteer study (he is a sociologist and was interviewing people in the small town she grew up in near our city). She "liked" that he showed interest in her, asked her questions like "what does time mean to you", etc. Gave her that book. Probably identified her weaknesses and pounced.

Good points on secrecy vs. privacy.

My brain is hearing all that you guys are saying, really, it is. Just hard to envision someone so angry as she was today ever not being that angry.

It may or may not be the wrong number. I wouldn't have much to offer someone other than sympathy if I got a call from a guy claiming that my ex was having an affair. I might take action to expose it to her boyfriend, but would otherwise not have much to say.

You may or may not have gotten the right parents. But you'll know soon enough if you did.

Exposure is key. I commend you for being brave. Don't be afraid. It feels wrong, but it's the most important step to killing the affair if you're going to succeed in doing so.

FWIW, these vets are 100% correct..after I exposed, my W went all exorcist on me, even calling family I exposed to herself to complain to them I exposed...and she threatened to leave, divorce, etc. all the things the vets said she would say...she left....and came back an hour later.

Can't promise exposure will save the M, but now know without it...well, the WS would never clear from the fog. She really had to decide then and there if she was pro-marriage or pro-OM...

I am one more voice here to say: these people with this advice are not jilted vindictive people. They are providing valid compassionate and professional advice. These same people have compassion and direction when the offending person comes here looking for advice.

I just wanted to add that. Time is of essence for you.

-pdc

Disregard the book if it will act as a trigger to you. That sucks since it�s a good book. If you can get past the trigger aspect of it, read the book. It really helped me a lot. I was given the book when I was dealing with the emotional devastation of the changes in my life back then. I was literally in the psych ward and was given that book by a nurse there. I started reading and couldn�t put it down to the point where I had to go get a highlighter.

But I understand if the book is an unpleasant trigger.