Have we made it clear that she will be livid?

Just a few things we�ve all heard, plus some counters:

�I can�t trust you after this!�
Counter babble: �I�m sorry that your affair has caused this problem.�
�How could you betray me?�
Counter babble: �I�ve been asking myself the same thing about your affair.�
�I can�t live with someone who is spying on me!�
Counter, �I couldn�t either! Let�s work on restoring trust.�
�You violated my privacy!�
Counter: �I violated your secrecy, not your privacy. (Plus what I said before)�
�How could you ruin his life like this?�
Counter: �I�ve been asking myself how he could be with a married woman.�
�We had a chance to save things, but you just ruined that!�
Counter: �We can�t save our marriage if you�re having an affair. I will do what�s necessary to end the affair and save our family.�
�You�re only doing this to be vindictive!�
Counter: �No. I�m doing this because you�re having an affair.�

Just keep in mind that you can counter all of this with, �I will do what is necessary to kill your affair and save our marriage.�

Repeat it like a broken record. Counter babble if you can, which isn�t the same as being defensive. It�s putting it back on her.

If you know the guy's full name and he really does have a clearance, call the NCIS (1-877-579-3648) and report him. I think they'll be interested.

Yes, NCIS is real, its the Navy Criminal Investigative Service. They're responsible for most investigations regarding background and security clearances.

During some investigations, called a lifestyle investigation, they ask questions about sexual morality. They're looking for indicators that this person can be swayed to give up information either through pillow talk or blackmail. I do believe carrying on an affair would be a big indicator - specifically for a person working at an embassy.

I hope this helps you.

OMG!!! I said the same thing to my H to my husband when he took the car keys away from me when I wanted to go drunk driving! What a coincidence! My H was trying to "control" me by not allowing me to go drunk driving!!!

You are so mean to want to protect yourself and your children from your wife's destructive actitivies by catching her cheat!!

Thanks to all you. Been a huge help.

Today has been the worst day, by far. Very little sleep last night plus the anxiety from today. I have to steel myself to be cool and collected when I get home. I know that is key.

Anyone have any tricks for overcoming panic/anxiety attacks?

I just walk away for a moment or two, compose myself, speak slowly.......breathe deeply..........and just remember the long term plan, today is just a step towards that.......don't get hung up on the details today...........
Just keep repeating over and over again that you are only trying to save your marriage and that putting an end to the affair is the focus right now........
Don't ever back down from exposure, don't ever take the blame for the affair, they weren't your choices so don't be responsible for them.......
Stay calm and try to be positive even if you don't feel it.............
good luck

Have you finished exposure to everyone on your list today? How is it going?

You are getting the best of advice here.

Incidentally, Dr. Phil had a show on last night about mistresses and brought on betrayed spouses to confront them but he surprised me because he jumped all over a betrayed spouse for telling his son...he did so out of vindictiveness and showed his son the offending emails between WW & OM. I don't think a person needs to go graphic or into too much detail but still they need to expose, giving age-appropriate info as the child can understand.

Going for a walk outside helps. When you are ready and feeling confident, then talk to her.

Home tonight. Did exposure to all on my list. Not too big a list (several of her family and friends were already hiding for her and knew... I know from text I read). I feel she there will not be a lot of pressure from outside on her.

She moved out (was home for a bit, but left when I arrived). Very cold, distant. With her being at a friends, she is obviously able to start up the communication with the OM, despite my best attempts to break the A. I guess this is where I am not so confident it is over.

Then again, just might be me going through the cycles.

I went through the same thing awhile ago it is a really hard thing to go through. To make a marriage work after an affair both spouses have to be willing to work out the problems together. No matter if you go to counseling or you have a good program like the one it sounds like you have, if the other spouse does not follow the correct steps it will never work.

Down, you did a great job moving home! Don't despair, your exposures will pay off. I would focus on exposing to the OM's family and friends and possibly his workplace. Get it while the getting is good!

Where are your kids? Have you exposed to them yet?

DiA,

Please expose to the government and the agency that holds his clearance. It will impact him deeply. He just might realize your W is not worth all of the trouble that he will go through even if he does retain his clearance.

My guess he is cleared to a high level. If that is the case, he is in big trouble. I know what I am talking about here. I have been through those investigations many times as I have held such clearances for over 40 years. You need to continue your exposure. You need to ENJOY your home and most of all ENJOY your children.

Right now focus on the kids. You cannot end the affair, your W and OM must end it. What you are trying to do is make it uncomfortable for them to have the affair (shining light in a dark place so to speak). Shine that light and then be the best Dad you can be. You control ALL of your life, you don't control hers. So...work at enjoying your life and those that love and respect you that are in it.


Calm down, your W has not done or said a single thing that I and others have not read here 10's of thousands of times. It is normal and it is ameanable to the Harley approach because it is so normal.

Will your marriage be saved? Hard to know. Can it be saved? YES! Harley points out that most affairs end within 6 months. The real question is will you be around or want the marriage when it ends. That you work on by focusing on the rest of your life and your children.

Hang in there.

JL

Down,

I've been in your shoes twice. It's agony, but all the BS on these forums survived it. Focus on your kids and yourself tonight.

Tomorrow call the NCIS (1-877-579-3648) and tell them what POSOM is doing. They will investigate and pull his security clearance. The investigation can take a few weeks. Don't let him know what is coming.

I'm assuming POSOM works for the state department. The U.S. Embassy in Norway is in Oslo. The Ambassador is Barry B. White. The fraud and crime e-mail address is oslotips@state.gov. There is more contact info here Norway is 10 hours ahead of PST.

Making OM�s life a living he77 will drive him away faster, especially if a clearance is involved. Don�t be afraid of this, but also don�t be surprised if you�re asked to offer proof. Have some emails, preferably with .gov or .mil in the address line, to forward to the bosses. I�m sure there�s been some contact through the email system and with official phones. It�s no different than a private company, who wouldn�t appreciate having company resources used to carry on personal relationships.

Keep one thing in the back of your mind: Her leaving opens things up for you on a legal level. You can use it to show that she obviously thinks you�re a good dad since she left the kids with you while leaving. It also opens her up to abandonment charges, which are frowned upon by the courts.

Take care of the kids first and foremost. I completely understand how much of a mess your brain is right now. I went through it will toddlers and remember how absent minded I became during this horrible time. I once left my DD in her overnight diaper for most of the day because I simply forgot to change it with all that was on my mind. I once put my boys in their high chairs to feed them, gave them a small snack while I made their lunch, and then forgot I put the meal in the fridge to cool down for them to eat. They didn�t eat and were horribly grumpy. I finally realized my mistake and saw the meal I made for them in the fridge.

This ordeal will consume you mentally, putting out just about everything else. You�ll forget to eat. You�ll be unable to sleep even though you�re totally exhausted. You�ll have a heavy weight in your chest constantly. You�ll feel like lying in the corner in the fetal position, trying to erase the horrible images in your head of her with another man.

So we know what you�re going through. Take care of those kids and steel yourself for the fight ahead. Do not be afraid of her anger. I was and I allowed that anger to control me. Don�t let it happen to you. Think James Bond. Watch one of his movies for inspiration.

Cool and calm and calculating. Fake it till you make it.

Your doing great man. Dont fret as all this is the same crap they all spew when we take away there cake. If she leaves for a bit in the courts eyes you have even more of an advantage and it also allows reality to show up.
Now finish off this POSOM. Dont let him go unscathed. His clearance is valuable to him and he wont risk it for a WW that has a pissed off Husband and baggage(kids).
Remember what I said about Anger. It takes so much energy to remain angery that its unsustainable for long periods of time.
Hence get any lose ends tied up in Exposure.

I agree you are doing great, we have all lived through what you are right now,
It is exposure that will bring the affair to the light of day, they will be pissed so what they should have thought about that..
This should give you a feeling of control again, don't be angry, have a solid plan.
This part takes a couple of weeks to pass, the sooner you do the exposure the sooner things get to where they should be, your wife will see the OM dump her like a hot potato, she isn't worth that much to him..
You will rock fantasy world with reality this is what you want to do....
Just keep telling your wife you are doing what you need to do to save your marriage. say nothing else.....
hang in there, come here for support

Down, I would consider contacting an attorney today because I have a suspicion that your wife might be getting a restraining order to get you booted. I have seen this happen a couple of times where a husband moves back home and, in a ploy to get him out, she will move out. She hopes it will make him feel guilty enough to leave. When he doesn't leave, she will file a RO. If I were going to file a RO I would wait until Friday late to do it so you wouldn't be able to answer for a few days.

Do you have a VAR in your pocket? If not, stop by Walmart TODAY and get one before you go home. Record all your conversations with her just to be safe.

I've been doing that guys. She wants a divorce, asap. Want's to start this week (today or at the least next week). Arizona is a very easy state to get a divorce. No fault state. I am not sure what to do now.

Expose the affair! Let her file. If she does, then you need to get the meanest attorney you can to defend you. Even though it is a no fault state, many states will let you bring in evidence of adultery. Can you do that? I would not cooperate with her divorce action at all. He affair is doomed to failure and the goal should be to drag out the divorce beyond the affair.

Don't cooperate and let her know you won't be cooperating. You will go for the house, primary custody of your child. Whatever you do, don't cooperate. And finish your exposures.

The key to saving your marriage is to kill the affair, Down. In order to kill it, you have to expose it. Don't let her scare you with divorce talk. Dont' let her distract you. The best chance you have of saving your marriage is to fight the affair and do not cooperate with any divorce except to defend yourself.

Down, where are your kids? Are they with you? Have you told them about her affair? They need to hear what she is doing to their family. And she needs to answer to them.

I am not sure what to do now.

Yes, you do.

You hire a lawyer. You gather all the evidence of her actions, including her moving out. You fight like a hungry junk-yard dog for a discarded pork chop at every step in the process. You ensure she knows you plan to do just that.

You move all joint financial assets into your single-owner accounts. (You might have to return some, but let the courts order that.) If the car she's driving is titled to you, retrieve it, pull the plates, cancel the insurance.

You continue the exposure on his side. (How much worse will it be to his career to have the title of "home-wrecker" pinned into his file?) When it comes to that, your lawyer will find a way to subpoena OM on some reason. You contact your congressman for assistance (State Department officials just "love" congressional interest in their personnel and activities.)