I can't do this. He is my/our only income.

I have all the of money from the check and he does not know I cashed it.

Until you have a court order from him to do otherwise, keep the cash in a safe place. Make him do the leg work to get the cash from you.

If you can, only use it for food, gas, anything associated with your kids. Keep all the receipts.

Trust me a judge will look at your situation and will not bat at eye if you are using the money for your family. Once the judge hears the reasons your lawyer presents, the judge will have no option but to look at your WH with utter disgust, and then joking in his mind say,

"You POS - I should make you to take the bus or walk your azz everywhere!!"

The law will be on the side of you kids - don't worry!

Good job!

Mehr...good @ the check.

But PLEASE stop trying to find ways to suck in the wh or find out what is floating in wh's brain.

Right now, he did one good thing AND YOU BROUGHT THE KIDS TO THE IL'S HOUSE. Why why why why why why.

I told you, SOLE CUSTODY is the only way. YOu cannot show the courts you rely on the IL's or your WH in any way, and in plan B you cannot either.

Why why why do you try to engage EITHER of them. (wh or IL's). Look. The IL's are probably sad their son is a pos. I'd never myself allow my son to ever do that. But they did and NOW THEY ENABLE HIM.

So you're supporting THAT enablement system by bringing the kids over there and letting bad daddy see the kids. What did bad daddy do? Oh he jumped off the car.

I'll bet your neighbor would have done it or anybody ELSE IN THE WORLD BUT WH.

YES, btw, HE IS HIDING $ FROM YOU RIGHT NOW. I wouldn't be surprised if he did what my xwh did too...which was illegally gift it to his PARENTS and they also helped him hide the $ from me.

So they're in the enemy camp right now. Look Mehr. ANYONE WHO ENABLES THE AFFAIR IS THE ENEMY. Enemy of the marriage and family. So they fall into plan B too. And they are not to be trusted on any level.

Your wh knows his clock's gonna get cleaned by the judge. He will be viewed as a horrible person. Why on earth after that vehicle drove DID YOU NOT GO AND CAMP OUT AT THE JUDGES' OFFICE yesterday?

You need to be on your lawyers like fleas on a hound. They need to work for YOU. And they also need to find out where your wh is hiding money. THAT HAS TO HAPPEN TOO and another thing your attny needs to have the judge make him answer. If not, he can get thrown in jail.

Your wh is thinking of only one thing..MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME.

Not "uh oh, have I screwed up?"

Nope. Yours is bounding head first at top speed and if he's a tornado, I'd say he's a P-3 (Peachy scale 3) tornado and gaining strength as he and his evil, selfishness, and infidelity swirls around him going faster and faster. The only thing that can stop him IS THE JUDGE right now. The judge and something called reality.

Stop worrying about the

M. It is NOT a M right now anyway. And if and when he loses the wayward self, and wishes to return, then it is only up to YOU if you would even accept him back but that's so far away right now that you cannot think of it. Just know "he's danger. He's getting more wayward".

Odds are he's getting help in what to do from the ow or from your IL's. Did you ever btw have a woman to woman confrontation w//the ow? Did you? Did she ever hear the words that you will drag her into court, that she is going to be held accountable for her evil and disgraceful and nasty actions? Did she?

Good for the food stamps too. But Mehr. If it were me, even fi my car wouldn't start, I'd call my neighbor and have them DRIVE me to the damn judge.

You have to help stop the tornado right now. You have to secure an emergency hearing. Your lawyers don't seem very good to me right now, and they don't seem to want to fight for you or the kids at all. Just my .02. I'd almost demand my $ back and go call up every attny who is recommended well and ask "how mean are you? How could you help a mom of 4 kids who is basically starving and has been abandoned by their husband and father? How HARD WILL YOU LEGALLY FIGHT FOR ME?" I'd tell them I didn't have much money, but that I really needed strong legal help.

Your attny needs to know that either they do that (AND YOU TELL THEM WHAT i SAID..the how hard will you fight for us) or they're fired b/c they have not done one thing to help you in a very dire situation.

I had a lawyer who would file a motion so quick it would make your head spin during my time divorcing and separating from darth. You need one like that. and one who will actually GET AN EMERGENCY HEARING. If not, you tell them you're firing them, want your $ back, and will get an attny who will or YOU will. (after all I MYSELF WITHOUT ANY DAMN ATTORNEY GOT AN EMERGENCY HEARING FASTER THAN MY OWN PAID ATTNY'S DID FIVE YEARS EARLIER).

I know you want to hear hearts and flowers and how he will end with the ow and come back home and that you'll all forgive and forget but Mehr girl, that is NOT HAPPENING NOW AND MIGHT NOT.

The very best and only chance imho of the wayward ever reconsidering his position is for a few things to happen.
1)the court slams down on him so hard that he can't speak for days because the actual reality has hit him and shot him b/w the eyes.
2)he realizes that he won't have a swingin' rutting lair to take his wench posow. He won't be able to afford it.
3)he realizes the world WILL VIEW HIM AS THE AWFUL SWIRLING ADULTEROUS TORNADO after he takes the stand and has to ADMIT TO THE WORLD what he has done.
4)he might not see the ow as he did before, and neither will their home town or community after the posow takes the stand and is brought to her skanky and diseased knees as she has to explain to hundreds how she conspired to destroy a marriage and keep four precious children from having food on the table.
5)When people on the street will begin to hear of what he has done. When "word" other than from the exposure you did (hell I say keep on exposing always) makes things suddenly ANYTHING BUT FUN in affairland.

You see, the only thing you can do in plan B is let them see REALITY but take away the wayward glasses. Rip em' off. You let them see less money, everybody thinks they s*ck as people and are pos's, the affair is viewed as ugly, bad and the truth gets out, and that he's a horrible daddy and husband. Oh and you TAKE AWAY THE PLAY MONEY (your joint assets) FROM THE AFFAIR so the affair just isn't any more fun.

YOU CAUSE EXTREME STRESS AND HORRIBLE INJURY TO THE AFFAIR. Reality does that and the judge can be your friend. It is all how you paint it to the judge and if your attny can do a decent enough job at it.

Want to hear what my xwh was told (paraphrased) by the judge after he was discovered (it was valentine's day of all days, that i was in court for the emergency hearing)he'd squandered over 30k in assets OVER ONE WEEK and yet couldn't pay my cs or ss and refused to help us survive (my child and I) after he left?

The man (my xwh) wore a fine suit and his rolex watch into court that day striding in with an ego the size of godzilla. All puffed-up, prideful, and of course wayward. Across the courtroom was me, dressed in a nice dress. I was told by my attny to not wear my huge wedding ring (which I ended up selling to even afford to feed my child), and a nice church dress and flats.

My attny was good. He was like a local "matlock" and liked too. But he was sneaky. He found out the day before and got access to a secret bank account of my xwh and found out what he'd really done with the money and that there was NO REASON why he couldn't pay us just bare minimums and found more.

I was called to the stand (hundreds in the courtroom)and was scared to death but I was confident it had to be done. My attorney asked if I'd heard of such and such bank acct. I did not. He asked me to show him my own bank account. It was like yours, almost zero. I told him I'd fed my son well, giving him all he needed to eat, but that I'd lived off of spaghetti and sauce for about 2 weeks as I wasn't yet working but was interviewing for jobs. The judge looked horrified and turned and looked at me with compassion. Everybody in court was horrified too watching and hearing.

Then the attorney asked me if I knew where my husband who had ABANDONED me was the weekend before (my attny kept using key words and emphasized them always like ADULTERY ABANDONMENT, MENTAL CRUELTY, ABSENT FATHER, ETC). I said I had no idea where he was (I was in plan B). He told the court that my xwh had been in Las Vegas, spent over 20k gambling and staying in one of the finest suites at Cesar's Palace, that he'd also spent 12k on furniture for his rutting pad, and that as of the day before, for Valentine's day, he'd sent TWO DIFFERENT WOMEN two dozen roses, and spent over 500 on Victoria's secret purchases.

I openly began to cry and wept and wept in public like I'd never done. And my attorney PLANNED that to be my response to get the most gutteral reaction from both the judge and everybody in that d*mn courtroom. The baliff handed me tissues and tried to even hug me. The judge excused me from the stand, said I could go to the restroom and cry if I needed to, and I walked out to the restroom for a few minutes. A few ladies from the courtroom, TOTAL STRANGERS, came in, following me, offering love, prayers, and hugs until I walked back in.

I walked back in and my xwh was on the stand. He was being grilled by the judge hard. I mean HARD. His attny tried to spin things, but the judge at one time point blank asked him how many women was he having affairs with? Mind you, the main ow, monkeyho WAS IN THE COURT AND GOT DEPOSED TOO. She found out that day SHE WAS NOT THE ONLY OW. When my xwh was trying to explain away (poorly) his actions in vegas, the judge saw a glimpse of his flashy rolex on his wrist.

the judge went insanely angry. HOW DARE YOU SIR, MOCK ME, MOCK YOUR WIFE, THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD AND THIS COURT BY WEARING INTO THIS ROOM A ROLEX LIKE THAT WHEN YOUR POOR WIFE HAS HAD TO EAT SPAGHETTI, FEEDING ONLY MEAT AND VEGGIES WHICH SHE CANNOT EVEN AFFORD TO HER CHILD WHILE YOU'RE LIVING LIKE A KING IN LAS VEGAS EATING AT FIVE STAR RESTAURANTS? He then said, "I should make you take that d*amn watch off, and hand it over to your w, but I won't. I'll make it easier for her and give her all she needs from you and all she and that child need to survive. I cannot WAIT to hear of all the fun you've had from your mistress sitting out there too. Which one is she?

The judge at the end of the trial before his final verdict (100 percent in my favor and all my attny costs paid too)he looked at my xwh and said, "If I ever catch you in my court room doing any of these evil kind of things again, I will throw this (a huge book on his desk) right at you." I swear he said that.

After the judgement went down, people actually clapped. My attny said he hadn't seen that happen in years and as we walked out, the strangers in there slapped me on the back, telling me "you take it to him" and "You take care of that child, we're praying for you" and "way to go" like I was a prize fighter who'd just won the world champ belt.

Meanwhile my heart broke that day further, but I knew who and what I was dealing with and I did whatever I had to do for my child b/c it was clear that as long as my xwh was a wayward, there was NO HELPING OR GETTING THRU TO HIM. The only thing that did or ever did was self-preservation, fear of being thrown in jail, legal actions, and further embarassment.

Oh his ow and him slunk out of the courtroom, and my attny's paralegal watched that part and stayed behind. She said women called the ow HORRIBLE names as she walked out. I think "home wrecker" was the mildest and said vile things about my xwh too as they slunk out of the courtroom.

You see Mehr. I LIVED THIS. And sometimes waywards get THIS BAD AND YET MARRIAGES RECOVER. But sometimes waywards get THIS BAD AND MARRIAGES DO NOT. Mine didn't. But I recovered myself and my child and we did pretty darn well.

It was hard for several years, and I worked my butt off, but it paid off. The evil affairs have ended. The tornado for the moment (the p-5) in my life has stopped swirling, and I am peaceful, happy, my son is great, and I'm thrilled to be married to the most wonderful, loving, handsome, and amazing man in the world. No matter what you go through, what matters most is WHAT YOU DO DURING THAT STORM and HOW you weather it.

So do not think that you or others here are the only ones going thru this mess. Many others have too.

But one thing is clear. When and if the wayward gets so bad that there has to be swift, hard, and decisive legal action, you REMAIN IN A DARKEST OF PLAN B AND LET THE LAW DEAL HARSHLY WITH THEM. You will when when the wayward is either stopped, (meaning the ws is no longer wayward) or SUBDUED (if they remain an unrepentant wayard as my xwh is still to this day).

My heart also recovered too, Mehr. I wish I could make all of this go away for you and other women and men here. I wish I could wave a wand and make everything go to the place it was before the affairs began but I can't. But I CAN ARM YOU WITH the truth and with logic and with advice.

It is the only reason I'm here. To help others who need help to make good decisions so they can be good parents and get thru this mess. To help victims of the evil tornados everywhere.

PM, she is already IN Plan B. Or at least she is supposed to be.

You aren't going to get away without at least one

Do you live on a desert island where there are no neighbours? Seriously.

There are going to be MANY reasons to break Plan B. You need to find the reasons to stick to it. Next time that you want to break plan B(and there WILL be a next time), I want you to come here and post FIRST. Then wait until you have at least 10 responses to that post before you make the decision to break Plan B.

I KNOW how hard it is to change your life and realize that you don't have your rock anymore. I KNOW. We ALL know.

I know Scotty, I know.... hehe... not that this makes it "okay" but as a way of explanation, my sister in law had been messaging me that very day about how I shouldn't be "ignoring" my husband because it isn't Biblical and this or that other way would work better..... so when my van broke, and I called up my in laws (since they live a few blocks away) and they said they were out of town but they could call WH .... I said ok. I was starting to get confused.... sometimes I have to learn the hard way. I definitely didn't help the situation.

I will say that this being the first time I've gotten a look at him in a month: He's gained some weight.

I realized a couple hours ago that yesterday was 1 month in Plan B.... I didn't notice that yesterday... I think that's progress.

Today I hardly thought of him, when I did pray for him it was almost like he's becoming less real in my life. He's ... away? It just feels different. I even find that I care less... just a little...

I just finished reading Love Must Be Tough by Dr. Dobson. It seems to go right along with Plan B. I did notice him mention exposure and not shielding the wayward from the natural consequences of their behavior, letting reality hit them and emotional pain. I also noticed that he called infidelity an addiction just like Dr. Harley.

Okay, next time someone says that it isn't biblical to ignore your WH, you need to say something like this, "It isn't biblical to commit adultery."

I am also quite sarcastic(as a Canadian, it's what we are good at) and I would probably say something like, "It's against biblical and human law to commit murder, so I decided ignoring would be a better option."

I believe that you should keep your in-laws at arms length. They are not supporting you in your efforts to stick to a solid Plan B, and are instead encouraging you to go along with your WH's interests. It needs to be all business with them. You need to find some other people you can rely on instead. Give it some thought.

Mehr,

Matthew 18, verses 15 - 17: "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector."

That one little section appears to strongly recommend exposure for the purpose of bringing the sinner to repentance. If the sinner will not repent and keeps on doing that sin, he is shunned.

Exposure and Plan B is not done to hurt your spouse but to kill the affair and bring him back. I hate it when people use religion to advocate some sort of a doormat kind of treatment, as though, simply because we are Christians mean we are to allow all kinds of bad behavior because of some kind of "love" or "compassion."

Further, there were instances in the Old Testament (can't quote them right off the bat) where God Himself left His beloved people to fend for themselves because they kept rebelling against Him, committing adultery with other gods.

Not a Bible scholar here, but I wanted to offer to you a way to refute those who would have you become a Christian doormat.

May not be a bible scholar, but you did a good job.

You may also want to consider Hosea chapters 2 and three. Hosea is told to take an adulterous wife to himself. She is a textbook wayward. Selfish, lying, self-serving... Hosea tells us that exposure is necessary (I will uncover her nakedness), then he is told to cut off all her avenues for adultery... Then when she hits rock bottom (plan B), (She shall pursue her lovers but not overtake them, and she shall seek them but shall not find them. Then she shall say, 'I will go and return to my first husband, for it was better for me then than now.' )

it is only then that she is brought in with terms and conditions

Hos 3:1-3 And the LORD said to me, "Go again, love a woman who is loved by another man and is an adulteress, even as the LORD loves the children of Israel, though they turn to other gods and love cakes of raisins." (2) So I bought her for fifteen shekels of silver and a homer and a lethech of barley. (3) And I said to her, "You must dwell as mine for many days. You shall not play the whore, or belong to another man; so will I also be to you."

So there you go.. the basic outline for the MB program...

I think I will work this week on taking the terms, phrases and ideas from MB and lining them up this way with Scripture. A bit of exegetical work for any Christian on the list who is interested... just don't know where I should post it...

Good stuff!!!

Sometimes I am still surprised that I am here a single mom of 4.... did not see that coming.

And yes, I STILL want to know what typically happens in affairland in Plan B.... aren't there posts about that?

There are posts.....somewhere in the plethora of them.
One of my favorite statements about the waywards in plan B is from Longhorn's notable posts (from 2005) in the notable posts section of the forums. It states

"In Plan B, you cut off all communication with your wayward spouse. Having shown them how wonderful a person you can be as a marriage partner, you remove yourself from their lives to show them how bad it is out there without you. In Plan A, fence-sitting is almost unavoidable. Your wayward spouse gets some of their emotional needs met by you and others met by the other person. In Plan B, you suddenly, and completely, stop providing those needs you had been filling for your spouse. When they aren’t being met, it increases strife in that fantasy world your spouse and his or her partner in adultery have in common with only each other. Strife begets pressure. Pressure begets unhappiness. Unhappiness begets separation…and you win."

Is there a way to change the title of this thread?

Try going back to your very first post and clicking on edit.

If that doesn't work you could ask the mods if they are able to do it. Click notify on that same first post to ask the mods and tell them what you want it renamed to.

Thank you.... yeah the edit on the first post isn't there maybe because of the merging of the two threads....

Thank you.... I think I just need to hear there is some hope.... its in there somewhere....

I'm with you on this one. As one who has just been in Plan B for about a week, I've always thought that it was more a less the sign of the death of the marriage. I haven't read of too many marriages that have survived Plan B. This gives me a little hope as well. I know there's no guarantees but there's nothing wrong with being somewhat optimistic.

I don't know about that.... it does feel particularly hopeless, but I read on some thread that it nearly always has to go to Plan B before they finally stop and come back to the marriage.

The ones which are successful also INJECT AS MUCH PAIN AND STRESS into the affair from afar as possible.

Thus, plan B in letting the affair partner meet all the EN's is self destructing. You see, when there's suddenly less $ for the affair (if there is a support and custody monetary and visitation sep plan in force), everybody knows what they're doing is wrong (more stress on them and disdain), and the ws is seeing the children far less and is not allowed to have them around the kids, and also when some of their other main EN's aren't getting met b/c the BS is out of the picture...

then we WS comes back.

We have many WS come back home during plan B. heck even my uuber xwh wanted to come home, but it was a totally different situation b/c the ow was pregnant. I actually DIDN'T want him back.

MB is the best plan of attack there is. It is a proactive one. It reserves and saves your sanity, self respect, and creates a path towards marital healing should the affair end. It also fosters personal healing too, if the wayward remains just that.

Will those who have had their spouses back after plan B please come in and give your thoughts? We need some MB encouragement here!

By forcing reality onto the affair (and not breaking plan B) through the means I said above (and you not even seeing them or uttering a word to them) you can break the affair down from afar and put so much stress on it that it will break!

That is why I believe when you go to plan B, you really let them have reality of what it is like when you're divorced. You MAKE them pay either cs or alimony, they aren't welcomed back to your house (as long as the affair is alive), they aren't allowed usual parenting scenarios, and you make sure everybody AND the mailman knows they're cheaters.

As much pressure as you possibly can.

I'm on it.... I am going to be getting child support AND alimony...