How am I feeding the affair?..... how do I plug holes.... my IM sent message reminding him not to message me or come to the front door...

You feed the affair by allowing him to continue to get ENs met by you which in turn, allows him to continue cake eating. There have been cases of cake-eating WS's for DECADES.

Before I found MB, and before I KNEW about the A, I allowed that to happen. I may never recover my marriage because of it. I did too much damage.

How you plug up holes is by not allowing him to break through,

BTW, next time he sends you a text, IGNORE IT.

No reminder message through the IMs.

You didn't get a message.

Get it?

Also, you need to re-focus off of your WH and onto you.

I know from where I speak. I am having a rotten day today, and I know that it is from the minimal contact that I had. Some close encounters of the wayward kind, as I call it. Now, I am in a spin that has me reeling. I know what it feels like to be out of the drama and out of the tailspins, but I also know what it felt like before.

i remember what it was like to have that connection, but I was worth more.

you are worth more.

Walk the Plan B walk. Do it better than I ever could.

Plug up the holes.

I didn't talk to him and I stood behind the door so I don't see how I can be meeting his emotional needs.... I have to take care of the kids so i guess in some distant way I meet the domestic support one, but I can't stop doing that.

yup.

mehr, I'm not one of the experts and so take what I say with a grain of salt. But, part of what Plan B accomplishes is healing for the BS. When you stand behind the door, but you know that he's there, it's damaging for YOU.

I didn't have any other option.... I was trying to get the kids into the house....

It appears he is getting a lawyer and mentioned to my lawyer all the money that I "blew" through.... the money that I moved for our property tax bill which is quite large and should be here this month.

I just got this text message

"U want to talk to me u can text me directly if i continue getting lectures from [IM] i will block her number"


What do I do now!!!!

I'm going to pretend I didn't get it.

I have reason to believe my in laws are paying for his lawyer.

Get rid of the cell.
Get a prepaid for now.....$100 for 1000 minutes.

Then, you will stop getting his texts that you can't block.

He is trying to control you and goad you and is tantrumming and you can stick to your plan if you

have your own attorney
keep using IM (sure, he can block them and have NO venue of communication...let him)


You document all the chances you are giving him to
see the kids
communicate civilly through an intermediary


You hold the reigns. He is trying like heck to grapple them back from you. Boo hoo hoo to him.

You can be peeved by his actions. You can be puzzled and appallled AND you can still love him but not enable his affair and craziness to suck you into the vortex of toxicity.

It is exhausting until he gets it. Until he realizes it is not his game anymore.

I would just not even mention the text to IM.

I would continue as I had planned using IM or nothing....and as mentioned if you can not block him cause he is on that cell account.....use a prepaid phone if you need one.

This just gets worse and worse....

{{{mehr}}} Hang in there, sweetie!

Yes. Pretend you didn't get it.

Also, if the IM is lecturing him, then you might need a new IM.

Cause he is upping the anti to get you to 'behave' and acquiesce. The self preservation things you have done with $ are scaring him and he is reacting with anger (anger=fear) and trying to blameshift the whole mess he made onto

little old you

You need to not take any bait to react but continue to follow your plan and respond to situations with making choices based on your and your children's financial security.

No lashes back at him----------- that would feed him more to get even nastier.

It sucks. No two ways about it.

If you stick to your guns now and act like a responsible, clear thinking, nonconversating in person self....he WILL get with the program. He WILL eventually stop attacking you with his words and finances and nastiness.

Stay your course. Add no fuel. Clearly plan.

I am trying... its like he is just starting to grasp what this is going to mean for him financially.... what his life is going to look like....

Your IM shouldn't be lecturing him. Does she have the training guide? Less is better than more. Remain neutral & filter passed messages. That is her job!

I would not be surprised if the 'lectures' were basic, simple facts.
Maybe IM is lecturing and maybe IM is sending info and WH just is rebelling getting it from other than directly mehr.
What do you think mehr? Ask IM if they are sending basic unemotional facts back and forth or more complex messages. You don't have to tell IM about the text but can inquire if they are communicating basic facts only to check in on how they are doing at the procedure. Gotta love any IM. IMs are heaven sent.

A good one is worth their weight and more in gold.

Every time you see his TMs it is setting you back. Every time.

Are you going to plug up that hole or are you going to keep looking at his messages?

Have your IM re-send your Plan B letter, highlighting the part where you state it is just far too painful to be in contact with him since it is your desire to save the M as well as the part where you stated that you are not using the IM as a punishment but as a way to save you from the pain of communicating with him.

If the IM doesn't have a copy of your Plan B letter then just ask IM to reiterate these points above.

He's foggy and as usual, is in "me me me" mode ~ completely ignoring the fact that you are in immense pain over his continued A and betrayal.