Plan B IS mostly about protecting your LB. It has been stated that the biggest chance of NOT having marital recovery is actually the BS not wanting to recover. This gives YOU a better chance.

You need to do MB with NO EXPECTATIONS.

That means that Plan A is done without expecting anything from your WS and Plan B, DITTO.

MOST affairs die a natural death within 2 years, so there is no coincidence that DrH has stated that a BS should be in Plan B for 2 years.

I myself, am in no hurry to get remarried, or even be divorced, so I am okay staying in Plan B for 2+ years, for personal recovery alone.

I can see how eventually, even with the minimal breaks that I have in my Plan b, that I would get to a point where I wouldn't even consider marital recovery. I am not there yet, but I can see how I could be.

That's why it is very important to plug up those holes. You need to protect YOURSELF AND YOUR LB.

There is no guarantees with Plan B, for marital recovery, but it is your best option. I'll take that chance any day.

mehr, i have just found this site and it has helped me immensely, if only to help me be strong. I so admire that you have been able to follow plan b at all, I am not so strong. I have cried when I read your posts, the pain these situations cause is unbelievable! I also have been a stay at home mom for over 10 years and he left us in shambles. What I wanted to say, besides offering my prayers and any support I might can give, is that how can a man who says he loves us do this to us? I dont get that at all. I have come to realize that he loves himself more and he has sacrificed his family for himself. YOU and your children deserve much, much more than what your husband has to offer. I could not BELIEVE my husband did this to us, AND now OW is pregnant. I also am feeling the heartache and pain, my littlest wanted his daddy back home. But in my case, the trust is destroyed forever and I find myself wondering why I have so little self respect for myself that I even give him the time of day. Hang in there, girl. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I can't imagine waiting 2 years in Plan B.... maybe if God called me to.... but otherwise I think after a year I will be done. Time itself works against me. Even now I think back to how he was in 2010 and I wonder why I would want that back? COULD he be better, yes, but I also found a few journal entries that I brought to the counselor, how I was being treated around Christmas.... not cool.... I think it COULD be better and I think he is a good guy essentially, but if he lives this out for 2 years I will no longer believe that.

It is easy to begin to lose hope in plan B. Why? Because IF you have gotten to the stage where the waywards' actions and affair WARRANTS YOU TO MOVE to plan B, then things are a bit worse.

There are imho many ws' out there whom upon exposure drop the op like a hot potatoe. And there are some who continue to negatively spiral further down after exposure and are the hard ws' to break. If you get to plan B, then it's an entrenched affair imho.

So, that is that. Plan B is a way to remove yourself from the drama and has MANY HIDDEN and many OPEN bonuses to it. One is that when you remove yourself from the drama, and reality begins to be up against the affair, they can't band against you. It will no longer be "us" vs. bs anymore. See? That is one huge thing I can tell you from having lived thru this. For a good long while it was my xwh and ow versus me. They would band against me and it was THE ONLY D*AMN THING THAT ACTUALLY UNIFED THEM AT ALL. You see, it is easy to make the bs look like the bad guy IN THE BEGINNING OF THE AFFAIR isn't it?

I mean, for an affair to even happen, there is twisting and rewriting of truth, and so much lying that you cannot imagine. Thus, you HAVE to be the bad guy, even if you're by no means that way at all. You were SPUN that way.

The other good thing about plan B is the reality factor of it. You're not there to meet the important EN's like family, home, comfort, and yes, there are loving en's that you filled. So the skanky op has to do ALL OF THAT and more. Plus if you can get either very limited time with the kids around the ws and hopefully the kids NEVER around the op at all, then the ws feels the absence from the home EVEN STRONGER. They feel the void. And then there's getting hit with paying cs or ss and not being able to support an affair, second residence, and all bills for two households either. So that's another love buster to the skanky affair.

So here's a rundown of plan b and it's GOOD POINTS: you remove yourself from their seedy little sleaze triangle, you make the op meet all the en's, you take $ away from the affair, the ws sees the kids far less, sees the bs NEVER, and has to begin to face reality.

When your wh runs into a friend from church or a relative, (whom I hope you have exposed to), then they will say something to them. Everybody will know about their little secret, and it won't be pretty to them. They'll FEEL the repercussions of their actions.

So imho, some of the really powerful stuff happens in the plan B. Not to mention, if you go to court, you RE EXPOSE all over again, in the court of law, in front of hundreds of people from your town, and get the affair partner to be exposed too! Double win! Plus, there's the feeling of going into that courtroom and having a judge lecture the ws too that usually happen.

People say plan B doesn't work, but there are lots here who have had plan B work for them.

My xwh's affair basically ended six months after his affairage to the wistress, which would have placed it directly at the two year mark, when he lamely tried to ask me out (which I DECLINED as he was married), and tell me how he'd made a horrible mistake being with her, getting her pregnant and marrying her. But alas, I don't date married.

Usually imho, the affair WILL end sometime during the first two years. Too much life and too much loss of their stupid fantasy. It is basically doomed.

So don't give up. YOU work it HARDER than A sometimes, if it has to get to that point.

And it is up to you, if and when you ever choose to have the WS to come back, and it is up to you if at any time you decide you've had it with them period. Others may do something different, but when the ow was pregnant, I decided to divorce him. However, (for the poster who has the ow pregnant above) there are many marriages saved who have an oc.

During plan B you do recover yourself. I mean, it is the weight of being with a wayward, interacting and the crazy making that's gone. Many many times the ws DOES INDEED COME BACK, but even if they don't, guess what? You got yourself back and I'm glad I did the whole MB plan.

My M didn't survive, but then again I had one of the worst MB offender ws EVER! But his actions and attempt to reconcile at the 2 year mark were right on target wtih MB. I also have to say, knowing MB and its' precepts, has helped me in my new marriage and helps us have the marriage I always dreamed of! I am happier now than ever.

Thanks for all your words!!

I will say that he told me that she has her tubes tied.... so there shouldn't be an OC.... but if there were there would be only two acceptable options for me, one he never sees the child or two he and I adopt the child and she never sees the child. That's all. No triangles.

I just don't know if I have it in me to wait two years. But maybe that is what God wants me to do. One day at a time... I don't think I can set an end date for Plan B yet.

Peachy, do you have a thread somewhere telling your story? I'd love to hear your experiences with MB.

[quote=IzzyB YOU and your children deserve much, much more than what your husband has to offer.

I am so new to this and have been reading many many posts. IN NO WAY did I intend to imply anything opposite of MB and vets advice. Offering support only.

Mehr,

This sentence was an eye opener to me! Yes, if they can be with trash (OW) for so long they can never be the good guy they once were. They are far far gone.
Blessing

Hi peachy
so your WH marriage to OW lasted from 2004 to 2011, 7 years?

I am convinced that this, at the beginning of the A, is the glue that keeps them together as OW hears all the things WH does not like about BS and modifies herself accordingly to fit what WH wants from a woman. SO she molds herself to be the anti-BS.
But after a while when, like in my case, exposure was wide and far and I really give them no trouble whatsoever....

I guess they could still be bitching about me exposing to all and making a big deal out of him leavin me when he had warned me he would. So why can I be so hard headed!
But still, after almost 2 years that game can't hold much longer.
I think what holds them together is the anti-BS personality the OW has developed. Up until she adores the WH and pretends to be the opposite of the BS, then the A goes on as WH choices keep being validated by OW.
When OW turns into the sewage and witch she actually is....the story might end. If it does not, then WH ends up spending lots of years of his life in a landfill.
blessing

Yeah... some thoughts on this.... April 9, 2011.... the day that my husband came home and said a lot of things, one of them being that he isn't sure she REALLY likes all the same things as him or if she just likes them because he likes them. HMMM. He had a full day of clarity. I hope there's love busters all over the place over there. Trouble is Dr. Harley says its after marriage that women want to go their own way (recreationally)... so OW will I suppose continue "liking" all this stuff for who knows how much longer.

She is definitely the anti-BS. We are even opposite in myers briggs personalities, if what WH said is accurate.

Hey Mehr, just wanted to reach out and say I feel your pain. My WH keeps on trying to contact me too. Its painful for me when he does that because if he misses me so much like he says then why continue on with OW? Who understands these people?! I got a lot of great info from the people that posted on your thread so thank you all for that from me also!

Keep strong Mehr! And remember you have a friend here, and maybe we can get through this and learn together.

Live and learn! {{{{mehr}}}}

Just feeling very fearful today.... I had been calling the lawyer, asking when can we get a court date? The secretary finally told me that we HAVE TO wait 30 days from when he got served (5/20) and there is nothing we can do until then, and even then we have to get a court date and not sure how quick that will be because my county requires both lawyers to be on a conference call to even set it up.

So he is sitting over there with a full paycheck, and all the money I have is all I will have for an undetermined amount of time. There is no protection for mothers..... he is punishing me for cashing that check.... and now he can have all the fun he wants.... and I have no idea when I will have any money than what I have now..... how can a decent man go SO BAD. I cannot conprehend what is happening to my life.... all I do is deal with things.... and he gets a vacation.... and he dumped 4 kids on me.... I hate him.

Does anyone know if with a legal separation I can sell the house? I am going to need to find something cheaper.

Then again I wouldn't qualify for another house because I have no job.... I am truly stuck in the worst possible spot with no options...

Is the house in both of your names? If so, you might want to tell him that you cannot pay the mortgage. Any money you have will have to go to food and necessities.

Also:

Check out local food banks
Power companies have programs to help those in need
Ask for help at your church

And document everything you have to do to survive. It will help out in court.

Also re-expose to everyone, that he has left you destitute.

You are again waiting on YOUR LAWYER who imho, isn't doing a good job of protecting you. They are trying to get a REGULAR hearing...I SAY YOU GO TO THE COURTHOUSE like I've been telling you to do, and talking to the judge's assistant or somebody there to find out how to get an EMERGENCY hearing since things are so dire.

Why are you waiting to try this approach? If your lawyer cannot try to get you AN EMERGENCY HEARING they aren't much of a lawyer at all and are not protecting you or your kids.

Maybe things are different here?? They said there is NO WAY to get a hearing until he's responded and he gets 30 days.... I feel like I have no options....

Well, interesting.
Guess you have to use the car insurance $ you planned on saving for security.
Ugh.

Document all funds spent. Keep reciepts of everything and start a spreadsheet with categories. Don't leave out a single dime.

Document, document, document.

When the hearing finally happens.......take all documentation with you.

You can't sell it alone. I don't know what state you're in, and I don't know if you're both on the title, but you'll at minimum need his signature on the deed. Sorry, probably not what you wanted to hear

Yup and that's just the way he planned it.