Well, he didn't plan on it but he is having a tantrum and figures you are against him cause you didn't hand it over to him and gosh darn it he thinks he is very clever making you use it.

I kinda feel like I am against him right now! I sure wish I could be the one putting pressure instead of the one experiencing it. I guess time will correct. Maybe child support and alimony will hit during a week when OW and her kids are being super annoying and he'll have time to rethink his life.

I've seen three different lawyers regarding my own situation and on certain topics I've gotten three different answers about what is possible and what is not. From the ones who tell me something is not possible, what I've found it really means that they don't want to fight for that specific thing for some reason. Maybe it is hard to get, maybe there is a chance they won't get it and they'll look like they failed; there are a lot of people who would rather give up without trying than try and fail at something.

I say start interviewing other lawyers until one tells you what you want to hear. On one hand they're not going to go so far as to promise you something they don't know for sure they can get, but if one says it's possible and they'll try, that's the kind assertiveness and aggressiveness you want.

I don't have enough money to get another lawyer.

You know Mehr , I get this . I am on food stamps and medical assistance and I never thought I would be. I do not even know day to day how I am going to pay the bills, but I know no matter what , we will be okay. We are not to blame, and though it doesn't feel like it, we are slowly but surely getting stronger. I did not want to tell anyone how bad my situation was, but I did, and they helped. Whether with food, or a bill. No one knows your in a bad place with the kids, unless you tell them . Nobody likes ugliness and they will help. Mehr, I am in a bad place with my boys , I am in foreclosure and have no steady income. But it will be ok. I promise. We will be OK.

Hey mehr, wow you've gone through so much since I last read your post! I know how it feels to feel so helpless. The first 7 months after dday, I had no choice but to stay living with WH. I had zero income of my own and I was pregnant. The pain I went through living there and knowing he was going to go see OW and him still sleeping in the same bed as me was indescribable! I live on my own now but with very limited income. I have applied for medicaid because my WH failed to pay our insurance and they closed it. I have also applied for food stamps. I've always said I would never do this, but uou have to do what you have to do to keep your family safe. WH only gives me $240 a month for DD. That doesn't go very far since I'm the one doing the transporting from my house to his for DD.

Look into government help for now. The resources are there! And fight girl! Don't give up until you get what you need from this irresponsible man!

I am going to call legal aid on Monday and see if we would have to start over if I could get a lawyer through them... I don't have time to start over, but it doesn't seem that my lawyer is really very interested in helping me.... that's the way it feels anyway.

Ok I HAVE TO ask... how long does the "soul mate" stage last? How long until he no longer thinks she is his perfect match?

Again, NO IDEA whats going on in affairland, so this question is just out of the space in my head.

Don't hit me with too many boards.... but tell me how long!!

Praying....

A minute, one day, one hour, one year, one decade, one century. It doesn't matter to you.

I look at it this way, my WH is not at home working on our marriage, so whatever he thinks and does has no bearing on what I am doing and what MY plans are.

I have an end date for my Plan B, and that means that is when I will enter Plan D. If my WH hasn't pulled his head out of his azz by then, then it is what it is. If he does, we shall see. I will not, however, ever communicate directly with my WH or OW as long as the A is still on(OW, I won't communicate with again).

I know that these thoughts come up. I know that you can become obsessive about when this will be over and how much more of this you will have to endure. I used to even say that as long as I KNEW that my WH would come back, one day, I would be okay. Guess what? I don't know that my WH will come back, and I am still going to be okay.

When we tell you that you need to re-focus, you need to try to do it. Small steps at first. That way, you will feel better and better.

You can do this. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time.

The soul mate stage is more likely to end (the affair dying a natural death) if you stay out of the drama and have no (zero) contact.
The marriage fuels the fantasy romance of the affair.
If you are totally out of it........it has to sink or swim without you.

So. No answer on the time frame.

Just know that your lack of participation in the triangle is the best approach.

Well, we have no contact, I hear nothing from him at all... he hears nothing from me....

The more I think about my lawyer the more upset I get. I really don't think he is helping me out.

Not hearing from your WH is a good thing in Plan B, you just don't see that yet.

Mehr, I know it's hard and the legal system does seem to grind slowly. Did you ask your attorney's office about an emergency ex parte hearing for a TRO and support? (WH doesn't have to be present for that, but does gets an opportunity to respond later.) What state are you in? I know that some jurisdictions will do this and some won't unless there is some kind of family violence involved.

If you feel like your attorney is blowing you off, please go back to his office and wait until you are seen. Now, I understand if the process IS at a point where his hands are tied from moving ahead any further, but it is his JOB to make you understand the whys and why nots. He works for you. Unfortunately, there may not be anything else that can be done legally until your husband answers (responds) to the suit.

Do you belong to any church? Sometimes churches have ministries that will help you out. If not, call your local United Way office and tell them your situation.

Please start acting on this now because sometimes these places that will help have their own slow process or waiting lists.

I think I get it... it keeps my life relatively calm instead of being face to face with the reality of what he is choosing to do....

It being a holiday, I wish I had a "normal life" like all the other people around me. I want to have a normal marriage and family and not this broken mess...

Hang in there Mehr! This too, shall pass. It's tough when you're in the middle of it, but it'll pass eventually. I've been on the 'coaster all day with more mood swings than usual. I just tried to keep busy and that helped a bit.

Keeping busy helps, and even without him being around, I get on my own roller coaster.... tonight all I want is him to care enough to stop what he is doing... and I get to these points where I feel like, if he really isn't going to come back, I don't want to waste all this time waiting for him... but I am so sad because I love him and wanted to be with him until I die... and if he marries her and I marry someone else, our kids will always have to deal with two homes... even when they are adults....

(((((Mehr)))))

I remember having these same thoughts last year. This year, not so much.
I don't know if this will help, put it's part of the process. I dpn't think about that as often as I once did. I am much calmer and much more healed. As long as you stick with the steps and listen to people when they tell you to get those holes plugged up and start thinking about things other than your WH, it will get better, I promise.

Just Sunday night, however, I told my DSx2, "When I made the decision to have children, I chose someone whom I trusted. I made the decision believing that I would be raising these children with someone whom I loved and who had the same morals and values as I did. That I wouldn't be doing it alone. Well, that's changed, and that makes me mad." I am hoping to raise good and decent men, husbands and fathers.

Take care of yourself.

Ugh... so today he sent IM messages about wanting the kids earlier than the original schedule, but we have one appointment to work around, and of course.... it is when the other woman is not at work.... so I just know she is involved. I could see I couldn't put it off, so I had the IM send him a message saying I don't want our kids around his affair partner because it really upsets them.

Now I am waiting on response... I just have a bad feeling about this. My kids are already confused, and they are so young, and it would go a long way in his fantasy if they would like her...

How do you know the OW is not at work?
Unless he actually gets them and have them meet with her...do not anticipate. Also, don't anticipate they will like her should they be placed in a situation where they do meet with her.
Also, do not outguess DH's agenda.

If it works for the change in schedule without all the conjecture, allow it.
If it doesn't work for your plans don't agree.

YK?

Ok Mehr.

Take a proactive stance. Tell via IM that "our children will NOT BE EXPOSED to your destructive affair. They are confused enough and will not be around in immoral situation. No spending the nights when and if she is there."

This is something you must must stick to. What is the story with this ow anyhow? Who is she? What's her story? I've said time and time again, (and what I DID AND WHAT HELPED DESTROY THE AFFAIRAGE) and keep my son from even the ow who became his w (my xwh never let her alone around my child much after he found out) that the info I got from the PI WHEN I HAD THE OW INVESTIGATED showed she had a very dark skeleton in her closet. One that my xwh DID NOT KNOW ABOUT.

So his perfect lying posow, who he married, had a very dark secret that would not fare well if I took him back to court (so I used it at every turn). I suggest you also get the goods on the ow too. I bet if she can lie, cheat and conspire to kill a marriage, she has done some really bad stuff too!

Stand firm. Let him know and DEMAND your attny get an emergency hearing asap.

Of course you miss him. You miss the good times. You miss what could be. Did you ever see the movie "men in black"? My son loved that movie, and he himself, in all his five year old wisdom back then, explained the behavior of his horrible wayward daddy to me in an analogy from men in black.

Daddy is like the mean farmer who wasn't nice to his wife and then got too close to the crashed alien space ship. He was pulled into the ship, and then the alien walked around looking like Edgar, the bad farmer. He wore an "edgar" suit. Daddy has AN ALIEN INSIDE OF HIM.

That is what a wayward spouse, the really really wayward ones, the ones who move out and cheat and abandon their families are like. There is only ONE WAY TO DEAL WITH this type of ws. And it is TO DEAL WITH THEM HARSHLY TO THE FULLEST EXTENT OF THE LAW.

Having them have life and legalities simply "not work for them" is the quickest way for them to bottom out and maybe, just maybe "see the lighthouse" within you or the way back home. Some do come back, others who are really bad waywards don't. And they'll continue to wreak more havoc and destruction than you can imagine.

Thus, you're doing THE RIGHT THING by reacting as harshly as you can in dealing with them b/c if they do not come back, they will learn how to live life ON YOUR TERMS, not their foggy wayward terms. Trust me, I did this and dealt with it.

Your interaction and any at all messages filtered thru your IM show a very foggy man even from a distance.

Sure, I missed the man I married. I DID NOT MISS THE ALIEN though. And when I divorced him, I buried the man I married emotionally. Thus I was going to be able to move forward.

The waywards, if they choose to forever remain wayward do not heal. They get WORSE. Like an alcoholic or drug addict. Much worse.

I think you're doing great, and don't worry. Life needs to smack this guy upside his head right now. Let things spiral downward for him and let the skanky ow be known that YOU WON'T LET YOUR KIDS AROUND HER because of the immorality and because also of the MENTAL TRAUMA AND EMOTIONAL HARM the affair has done to the kids because of their DAD'S AFFAIR AND ABANDONMENT. That is what you parrot to him only via the IM. Kids not around ow because of DADDY'S AFFAIR AND ABANDONMENT OF THE KIDS AND ALL THE EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL TRAUMA AND IMMORALITY. Just too much for them.

You stick to this and to your guns and please, please, get some serious intel on the ow. Your wh might thank you one day too. I found out the intel on my xwh's new wife (we'd just divorced and he instantly remarried her within days of it) and when my xwh found out, it threw him for a loop and he even left her for a few days. I found out via a PI and intel, that she had had a drug problem in her early 20's.

I can't. If I keep the kids from him it will look bad for me in court.