He told TS to go into Plan B and send her WH a PBL letter. Find an intermediary.

TS, do you think your H found this forum?

Also, we can help you set up the visitation schedule. You don't need a counselor for that. IF your children agree to it, I would give him visitation every Wednesday night and either Saturday and Sunday afternoons for 4-5 hours. I would specify that he is to NEVER bring those kids around his adultery partner.

Do you have neutral party in mind for an IM? The IM has to agree to remain neutral and ONLY pass on pertinent information about the kids and finances IN HER OWN WORDS. If your H sends an email making threats or spewing fogbabble, that should NEVER get through. We can help your IM do this. Being an IM is the easiest job in the world if done right.

Thanks gals...them are fighting words Sooo crazy but he set up emergency MC session today. It went well, our individual counselors are husband and wife. WTF, he never had any interest before! Another session with kids counselor tomorrow. Omg, is the fog lifting? Gas lighting probably! Kinda late now as I get ready for plan B. I dont know if he found forum, but certainly website. I changed name to throw him off. Prepping for Plan B, but need to lay low and let my posts fall back a couple pages. Thank u for everything...see u in the dark!

Hi friends, it has been awhile! I was concerned my WH found the forum, but I have access to his laptop history and so far so good. So, quick update. I was prepping for Plan B, saw lawyer, IM, etc. However, in the meantime the OW ended it with him. My friends & community put enough social pressure, I never said a word, though the desire to confront her very publicly is sooo strong. He is pining away for her I'm sure.

At this point, my best bet is Plan A again. I can do it as I have a "male" mentality. I am frustrated, but he may file for divorce at the slightest provocation, he is so fogged up. In Oregon, he will get it No guarantees that they won't attempt to be together when all is said and done, however my childen are terrified of her and know she is the devil. Their life would be dismal and they both know it, the whole community is appalled and I have a big support system. He KNOWS they have no future, (mostly because of children, exposing to community etc.) but says that she is an addiction. Grrrr.

So, WH says he loves me, and I feel if we can make it through withdrawal there is hope. However, I have very little trust and he won't put EP's in place because he is not willing to work on our marriage. (yet) If there is contact again, Plan B. *Sigh* I hate relying on OW to stay away, and he has swore to the children he won't be contacting her "for now"...but it's a chance I have to take.

Sooo, any suggestions for building the Love Bank while WH is in withdrawal? He spends all of his free time with us so I have ample opportunity, but not a whole lot of ideas. Nothing worked the last few months, probably because he was so engrossed in the affair.

Was wondering how you were doing, Texas!



Excellent!!!


Will your H spend one on one time with you? Is there any chance you two can get away together for a few days?

I would love one on one, we STILL have such a great time together. However, he won't be on board with it yet. As soon as he indicates he wants to work on marriage, I am going to instill EP's and purchase MB Online program. Those are my conditions and I won't negotiate. Hard to do the POJA when he has such a bad taste in his mouth from MB exposure!

We are months away though from beginning recovery, he is sooo grouchy and mad about PA exposure at end of April. Annnd, that's assuming no contact is maintained. Also, anyone that asks, I tell them the affair is going strong because until EP's in place, it may as well be! Obviously if he doesn't want to work on marriage, the affair is still foremost in his mind. Damn.

So you have tried asking him to do things with you and he says no? Hmmm this makes me worry about continued contact...

If you are pretty confident there is NC, keep trying to get him to spend some time with you...

Our MC recommended we go to a bar and sit side by side (less pressure) and just talk. I tried to open conversation to things I knew he enjoyed (like his work) and this worked out well for us. We also did some other things like purchased "The Office" seasons on DVD and began watching them together. It isn't technically UA time but it gave us a chance to relax and laugh together and also gave us something to talk about...

I haven't attempted the one on one time.....he is sooo grumpy. Withdrawal most likely. I just cannot get in the Plan A frame of mind again. I am polite, but knowing he is "in love" (according to the recording) with someone else is hard to swallow.

{{{texas}}} Ugs, withdrawal...

How many weeks has it been since the last contact?

Only May 19th, by text. Very early into the NC if at all. The only reason he is doing it is he promised our kids, and she is the one who broke it off. (i think...info via snooping)

OK, was worried that there was recent contact you may not know about, but this sounds very normal for only one week of NC.

Someone posted some great conversation tips during Plan A and I used it throughout w/d as well...it worked great for me. My sister said it also helped her. If you need some help in this area, lmk and I'll go find it for you.

Hang in there, it'll get better

K, any help is much appreciated! I am just down this week, the kids have had a rough time. In some ways it has made him see how destructive the affair is. But, it is impossible to be the attentive wife when they are struggling...I can barely look at him!

TS,

Glad you're doing well, but seriously, have VAR's in his car and everywhere again.

You have to carry one with you. I am still ? if there is contact. Even if the ow breaks up with him. You see that part might be part of HER playbook. In my sitch with my xwh, the ow broke up with him when she saw she could never be the nice guy/gal. But it was an ultimatum to make him decide to leave or not.

Don't think they don't do that b/c ow do! Anyhow, please be proactive and start getting recon again b/c I don't somehow buy that they aren't in contact. Esp if he isn't wanting to do things w/you. Something just is well, fishy right now.

Protect yourself. Hide the var somewhere in his vehicle LESS conspicuous like maybe the seat.

That is because you should be in PLAN B. You should not be in Plan A for one more day. Plan A is only supposed to last 3 to 4 weeks for women. I would send him a Plan B letter telling him not to contact you until he is ready to commit to the marriage. I seriously doubt the affair is over, though. He probably went further underground.

Ok, I will get another VAR. He found and destroyed the first one. I was wondering if that was her motivation. On one hand, she KNOWS my children will never accept her.
She has caused such emotional harm and destruction in our family. Is there a legal way to prove that, has anyone tried to sue on behalf of minor children for emotional damages? I want to make sure she can NEVER be around them. That might help speed up his decision
The first week of NC he asked if I would go to MC. However, he got stuck at work and missed appt. After that, I wrote him a letter saying MC is useless until he can PROVE there is NC whatsoever. So idk if I shot myself in the foot there. I would rather go the MB Online program route, but counseling may help initially.

Melodylane, I know that in SAA, John was in Plan A for the entire time, like a year and a half. Initially, Dr. Harley recommended I stay in Plan A thru August. When I found out about resumed contact, he said Plan B. However, before I went into Plan B I re-exposed the physical affair and then OW "broke up" with him....let me call the show on Tuesday and see what he says. We are only like less than 2 weeks into NC. (hopefully)

John in SAA is a MAN, not a woman. Plan A is only supposed to last 3 to 4 weeks FOR WOMEN and Dr Harley already told you to go into Plan B.

Why do you need to call Dr Harley AGAIN and ask him? He has already told you to go into Plan B. And as far as the affair breaking up, I doubt that. He would likely be back if that were true.

The point is that he has not committed to recovering the marriage and until that happens, there is no point in staying in Plan A. It is not supposed to be a way of life. Staying in Plan A too long is actually harmful to your chances of recovery.

Oh dear, Texas. I didn't know he wasn't back and I didn't know that you weren't monitoring him.

Even if, say, he moved back home, you would still need to be looking at Plan B if he isn't willing to do what Dr Harley says is required for R ~ 1) agree to NC for life, 2) EPs & transparency and 3) agree to a plan to rebuild your M. Sure, there is some wiggle room if you are verifying NC and he is withdrawing but this doesn't sound like the case here.

You can't just keep Plan A'ing him indefinitely. Agreed that you have been in Plan A too long. It will destroy your LB$ and it can cause health problems. Dr Harley talks a lot about damaging your immune system, maybe even in just Friday's show....

Look I did things long ago with plan A when they said to do a longer plan A not like now. It hurt my health! It did.

Please please go to plan B. This guy is NOT OUT OF THE EMA. Not at all. He has taken and destroyed evidence against him because he is GUILTY and he is continuing doing that very thing.

You have to be good to yourself. You cannot keep doing this, and the wild, out of control wh has to be reigned in. Plan B. ANOTHER huge exposure maybe, and if it were me (knowing what I know now about a stubborn, vile wayward H can be like) I'd drag his butt into court so quick to get a temp hearing and drag the SKANKHO in there too making her take the stand and thoroughly put her through the ringer having her spill every scary and skanky detail to hundreds of strangers and to the judge. It makes them (the OP) feel like THE CRIMINALS THEY ARE.

Ok, Plan B it is....I needed that xtra push. If I hire my attorney it is a 5k retainer or 10k if I plan on going to court. Spendy. I can borrow the money from my Dad and ask for WH to pay my legal expenses? I am a SAHM. So basically ask for sole custody and legal separation? My lawyer said this make it much easier for him to get a divorce if I initiate it. Can u do Plan B without legal separation? Also, any sample letters? Thanks.

Do you think you two can come to an agreement about visitation and $$ without a lawyer?