You're not keeping the kids from him, you're keeping them from the EMOTIONAL DAMAGE THE AFFAIR AND OW HAS CAUSED.

That is the way to say it. He must arrange to have the kids when she is not there. After all, it is IMMORAL.

There's no judge saying diddly squat right now. You're going for full custody so I'd just stand my ground. Let daddy play daddy but not when skankho is around. Kids do not need to be exposed to that!

Mehr...can't equals won't.

YOU CAN get intel on the ow. Like I repeat over and over, THERE PROBABLY ARE VERY DARK SKELETONS IN HER CLOSET SHE DOESN'T WANT UNCOVERED. Your job is to uncover them!

When I revealed to my xwh what the PI found (I went after this angle a bit later at the end of the divorce), it seriously shook up my xwh and suddenly he wonderd who the heck was the man shacked up with? He saw the posow in a not very good light and suddenly freaked out.

I think if that had been done much earlier, that it would have been a quite effective tool in breaking them up as well as the affair. You see, if you find out something really really awful about the om or ow, then the WS thinks on a different level...DO I WANT THEM AROUND MY KIDS NOW? My xwh was suddenly not wanting his live in mistress at all to be around my son after that. And he has tried to take custody of his daughter with ow from her b/c of her shady past.

OW don't make good mommies and OM don't make good daddies. Thee is ALWAYS something to find. Judge will love it too.

What about the identity of the ow? Who is she? How does she know wh? You haven't revealed much about her.

Agreed. If it ever comes up in front of a judge, take the offensive, turn it around on your husband.

Seriously. What do YOU have to be ashamed/scared of here? You did nothing wrong.

Refresh my memory, don't your husband and OW work together?

Yes they do work together!! and I wrote a letter to the work and I didn't hear back..... I don't know if anything happened because of Plan B....

She is a nearly divorced woman that was looking for someone serious to replace her 3 kid's dad with..... she found my husband..... the rest is history.

She is 24.... had her first kid at 17..... she seems very much like trailer trash.... but he thinks she is wonderful

Mehr - this is so doomed for failure. A woman who wants a man to replace and become daddy when he is not doesn't have much of a success rate.

It is built on nothing. As her kids grow, they will grow to hate your husband.

I am with you on wanting the two of them to blow up now, but it hasn't happened yet. Wait until Christmas. You will be having your Tree, Santa, and all the great things happen with your kids.

He will look at her and her kids and wonder, why am I here when I should be there watching them open presents.

Patience is our necessity at the moment.

Tough~

See I am getting mixed messages. I have other people telling me that the courts don't care that she is his affair partner and that if I keep the kids from him it will look bad for me in court.

Actually her kids love him. Back in Plan A I heard about it.... because their dad cusses at them.... they told their daddy they wanted their mom to be with MY HUSBAND and not him.

The IM didn't tell me exactly what he said, but he basically is saying that the kids like her and they are just confused because I call her mean lady. That's not true though, I taught them what the Bible says about marriage and that you shouldn't date while married, and they only met her once and that was before they knew she was "dating" daddy and tearing the family apart.

Of course, in fantasyland, ALL the children just LOVE all the AP's.

I teach high school, lemme tell you, with 20 + years expereince, -- I find it a VERY rare situation where a step -mom, step - dad, mom's - boyfriend or dads girlfriend is even tolerated by the children.

Usually a 5 letter word is used to refer to them, and it is almost never "mommy" or "daddy".

BTW-
Why is your IM telling you this stuff? This is only hurting you, and is not important to your recovery.

Fantasy. (that the kids would love her considering what she is doing)
Blameshifting (that you are the one causing the children confusion)
Justification (that you are even questioning the effect on the kids)

You need to continue to request that the children have no contact with OW.
You need to see how your lawyer can have that aspect of the situation legally addressed.
You allow full access to WH of the children with the stated caveat they not be exposed to OW
If he does expose kids to her anyway, you document and reiterate that they are not to be exposed to her but document offering access to the children. That you are not trying to stop his access.

Hope that makes sense.

The children will take their strength from you. How you stand up for the family but are supportive that they have some sort of relationship with their father. You build an awesome life with the children and let WH brainstorm his own side of the fence. He does think his new life is better but he might not always think so.

Stay focused on you. Focused on the children being given the best place to ride the storm with you and to thrive and try not to fret if the kids ever wind up seeing OW. Ideally they won't but if they do.....the fantasy is not sustainable when reality is faced with it.

So. Continue requesting through IM and lawyer no children meeting OW but if Wh does it....reiterate through your intermediaries, legally if you are able to and ride that offense the best you can with no lovebusting and breaking your plan B.

You can control your self. Control plan B. Control how the children are nourished while with you.

You need to be specific when this is addressed.

You are not keeping him from the kids just from his bad example. He is free to see the kids as arranged but not with his trailer trash. The court will not frown unless you tell him you cannot see the kids at all. You just have proper boundaries in place till court tells you otherwise.

Get legal advice from a lawyer, probably not the one you have right now, on what you can LEGALLY do to keep your children away from OW.

Here, where I live, I actually couldn't do anything and I would have lost full custody if I tried to keep the kids from visiting WH when he is living with OW. It would have looked very bad for me. But, I knew that, from a legal standpoint, so I had to do what I could. And I bet, if you asked my WH what my kids think about OW, he would say that they like her. But, in reality, they call her, "Evil princess beep." The "beep" is there way of not swearing, and apparently stands for the "b" word. That they came up with all on their own.

The lawyer I have said there is nothing I can do. I didn't ask about what visitation he can have or anything about that, the last time I called with a question they basically told me to stop calling them because its costing me money.

But seriously, I said he could take them at 11 tomorrow despite knowing she will be there. If I say no will it make me look bad in court? I am terrified....

What you state is that the affair is emotional trauma and the ow has, along with the affair caused emotional abuse and the MAIN FACT is it is IMMORAL to live in sin, openly committing adultery within the little eyes of children who do not need to be exposed to this kind of danger.

CAN'T OR WON'T.

You CAN prove that the affair (your lawyer can) has emotionally hurt the children and that the children DO NOT NEED TO SEE IN FULL VIEW AN AFFAIR BEING CARRIED ON IMMORALLY IN FRONT OF THEIR EYES.

IT IS SIMPLY THE WORST KIND OF PARENTING. The kind of abuse that DOES NOT LEAVE A MARK on the skin. But it does on their soul and lives.

Please please get this ow exposed TO HER FAMILY TOO and also dig deep and get a PI and find things out about her. Anybody going so low as to stoop to break up a marriage with kids HAS TO HAVE SKELETONS in their closet. They need to be exposed!

HAVING THAT EXTRA evidence also kept the ow in my case, limited to when and how she was around my child. and that was AFTER MY DIVORCE AND WHEN HE'D MARRIED HER TOO. So it can be done. You do not stop.

There is a WAY to go about this. And it needs to be set in motion also in your sep papers. You need to have it hammered out in the papers that the kids OF COURSE will see their dad for visitation, but that you have PRIMARY AND SOLE custody and that you only send them to him WHEN IT IS ok with you, and WHEN THEY WILL NOT BE EXPOSED TO THE ADULTERY AND AFFAIR and no overnight visitors of opposite sex not related (this is common wording in divorce and sep papers where I live).

If he violates this after the sep hearing, then you drag him into court on contempt charges.

IF YOU FINALLY DO AS I SAY, and GET THE INTEL ON THE OW AND FIND OUT HER SKELETON IN HER CLOSET, expose it surprise in court, then you might could get an order or protection for her to be kept away from your kids. You MUST DIG DEEPER. I guarantee something isn't right with a woman like this. She could have a drug problem (present or past), she could have some interesting police record, she could be a kleptomaniac or theif or have a dui or some sort of jail record.

YOU FIND THAT OUT. You keep digging and the RIGHT attorney doesn't stop either and fights for you and your kids.

NEVER ROLL OVER and accept what you think is your fate. Never.

I did expose to her family, with the letter from here.

I don't know how to get skeletons in her closet.... is there a free way to do that?? I know that her dad is the town drunk and her mom is such trailer trash that during Plan A when WH and I went away for the weekend her mom asked OW if she was worried that he would go back to me??? What??? They are trashy people....

Mehr, I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say I read your entire thread and I so feel for you. You are an incredibly strong person.

I let him take the kids at 11am today.... I had a garage sale this morning and one of my friend's came to help. I was in the house when WH came to get them (on purpose) but I was seriously incensed when he had the nerve to walk into the garage to show them some catfish he had in a container.... then said he didn't have the carseats, they were at his parents (who live close to me/us) and would have to come back for them.... comes back 15 minutes later... is he crazy?? why would he have the nerve to just walk into the garage and hang out showing some fish around?? You are cheating on me fool!!! BE ASHAMED!!!!

I am so not surprised he walked in and showed the fish.
Waywards have a lot of nerve cause their world is askew in selfness.

But who is this guy!!!! Where is the normal guy!!!!

Yes, I am so triggered...

I definitely feel that if it weren't for the money stress, this all would be so much easier. When i read other people's threads it seems like many of them don't have the money stress that I am dealing with.

I think I will really 'stabilize' and start doing a lot better if I can get a favorable ruling in terms of financial support. So I just have to hang on for another month....